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The waiter[]

I rubbed my eyes, I’d been awake for hours washing dishes for “my favorite job ever”. Honestly, it’s only one of my side jobs, and I had to be home in 20 minutes so my sister wouldn’t burn the house down. The whole restaurant was nearly empty, with the exception of a few rats and the bosses assistant, Debbie. I finished the last few plates, threw the yellow rubber gloves in the sink and then went out to the dining area of the restaurant to see if anyone was still there. Nope, no one in site. I then felt a hand on my shoulder. Startled I looked over to see Debbie handing me a check.

“Good work today, Rigby. You’re free to leave whenever.”

Debbie flashed me a smile, which I calculated as fake, and then she walked out the back door. Funny how she is nice to me but rude and cocky to everyone else. I shrugged to myself, grabbed my coat before setting the alarm and shutting the door behind me. I walked to my car, keeping a distance from the broken lighters and garbage in the parking lot. I checked under my car, like anyone would want to steal my ankles at this time of night, and then got in the drivers seat. I put my head on the steering wheel, wanting to just go to sleep right then and there, but my gut said: ‘go home Rigby, your sister probably started a fire or skinned Hershey.’ Hershey is my family’s cat, he is old but still gets around. I picked up my head, put the key in, then turned it and to my dismay;

My car wouldn’t turn on.

”CAN I HAVE ONE DAY WHERE I DON’T SCREAM?”

I walked over and popped the hood of the car open. Found a rat in the wires. I picked the rat up and chucked it across the parking lot, like I cared that a rat would hit its head on the concrete.


[Note: still working on this!]









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ZugZuwang (talk) 12:50, 25 March 2022 (UTC)[]

Okay, here's some feedback on your story:

Transcripts are somewhat difficult to create a fleshed out story from without being either too heavy handed with exposition or too vague and cliched.

This is unfortunately the latter.

You need to have a clear plot idea that fits into an overarching event happening outside of the interview when you make a transcript pasta. This reads like an excerpt of an OC origin story rather than an established, original pasta.

It's not enough to hook me when I see a tired old cliché of "guy goes crazy and kills family in a gruesome way. You can absolutely make a transcript pasta if you come up with an interesting and novel idea that doesn't just involve the aforementioned cliché.

The suspenseful moment at the end is also ineffective because there's just no build up and no substance to impact the story. You also have some grammar issues, with the wrong use of "your" where it should be "you're."

This could become something interesting, but you do need to re-evaluate the plot and how you're going to execute it.

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