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True Love[]

True love

By Trainer Gold's Persona and Xiaangling

Love is like something that you build as you get older. First, you just think it's something that isn't that big. And after a while, you learn things and you develop real feelings. But I never liked anyone in the 23 years of my life, I never found any girl or boy interesting. Until my sister, Charlotte, introduced her friend to me.

"Voila! This is my friend, Blake!"

She was a pretty cute girl in my opinion. She had blonde hair, pale skin, blue eyes, and a height of 6'2. Or should I say “my type”? That was the first time I ever caught feelings for someone.

“Hi, Blake,” I said.

“O-o-o-oh! Hi,” Blake said.

“My name is Em, nice to meet you.”

She smiled and blushed. She seemed introverted too. I walked toward her and said the words that started the “fun”.

“Wanna go on a date?” I asked.

“Sure,” Blake said.

My sister looked at me weirdly, then once I noticed it she smiled. She mouthed something and it seemed like she said “sorry she was the only one". I was about to ask her what she meant, but Blake rushed out the door.

“C’mon!” Blake said.

“Alright, wait!”

We were walking in a park and Blake and I were talking about our love lives and hers was really… weird.

“I’ve dated about 12 guys in my life, and every time we go on our first date someone tries to take him from me so I have a talk with the person, and then my boyfriend breaks up with me."

I gave her a look that I wanted her to notice. It was a look of suspicion. She yanked me towards her and started pacing past a house. A man was staring at her and he gave her the finger and told me “That girl is a murderer!” She didn't look like a murderer so I didn’t listen.

“What’s wrong with him? Is he your ex?” She didn’t answer and just paced faster. I was about to ask her what happened between those two but she probably wanted to keep it private since she wasn't answering. I wanted to know what happened with those two. I don’t think she does anyway. We arrived and sat down on a bench. She rested her head on my shoulder and started talking to me.

“Would you kill for me?” Blake asked. I was scared by the question but I answered honestly. “No, why would I do that?” She stopped resting her head, got up, and walked to another guy. She was talking to him and they laughed a few times. She came back after 5 minutes and she said that it was time to go. I went up to the man and was about to start a fight.

“That's my girlfriend you know.” I said. I only said it as a bluff since I actually liked Blake a little bit already. “Um, we’re going on a date tomorrow,” the man said. I was shocked. But I already felt that she was gonna do something like that She’s a pretty girl that has dated 12 guys, but that might just be because the guys themselves. I walked away and me and Blake started walking back to my house.

“That guy was a major weirdo! He asked me for pictures and he wanted my number. He was a creep. He tried to play with my hair too! Why didn’t you beat him u-” I cut her off.

“You really think you can lie?” I asked. I did this to find the truth in what happened.

“What?”

“You know damn well that you two were having a nice conversation and you both were laughing your asses off. I went up to him after you came back from talking to him and he said that you asked him out to a date!” I yelled.

“But you’re my true love and why would I ever cheat on anyone? I've only cheated on 11-” Blake said.

"You slipped up!" I said.

I ran home and I didn’t hear from her or talk about her for the rest of the day. I finally knew what my sister meant by “sorry she was the only one”. She knew that Blake was a bedswervering bitch! I cried. I did. I knew my entire life that love was fake! I guess I'm better off without anyone...

“Em…” my sister said. I turned around and she was hollow. She held up her hand to show a stab wound. I got out of my bed and rushed to her.

“Charlotte! What happened?” I asked. She started talking, but she was barely audible since she was also crying. “She was here and she started talking about true love and she was mad that I didn’t let her in the house and-” I cut her off.

“That’s all I need to hear. Use all that energy into staying alive.” I said. I took her into the bathroom and bandaged her up. She went to her room and went to sleep. I locked every single door in the house to make sure no one could come in. I don't know who would go psycho for love but I know there's someone that would. I went to sleep after making sure the house was secure. I didn't want to get the cops involved since I don't have a good history with them. They tortured her because they thought she was guilty of killing 12 people. She was about to get put on death row.

The next morning, I checked my sister’s room and she was gone. Later, the police arrived and said that she was murdered by a girl named Black Robinson that has killed 12 people, and make that 13 if you added this one. She was arrested and the only reason she was caught was because there was a witness last night that saw it from their window. A few years later I dated another girl and she looked pretty close to what Blake looked like.

She told me about her love life when we were walking to the park, which she picked to go to and she said:

“I’ve dated about 13 guys in my life, and every time we go on our first date someone tries to take him from me so I have a talk with the person and then my boyfriend breaks up with me. And one of their sisters died recently and I think I might try again since she’s gone. Without her me and him are here having a new start.”

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me when cryo archers from genshin impact bro (talk) 16:29, 26 May 2022 (UTC) Xiaangling[]

"Until my sister, Mai introduced her friend to me." There should be a comma after "Mai", which would make the sentence look a little more something like "Until my sister, Mai, introduced her friend to me."

"Wala! This is my friend, Blake!" I'm pretty sure you mean "Voila"?

"“O-o-o-oh! Hi,” Blake said." That's a lot of stuttering. You good, Blake? /j. This one's just my opinion, you could change it if you like, but maybe you could cut down on the stutters. To make something like ""O-Oh, hi!" Blake said, stuttering frequently." I read stories in my head, and I don't quite know how to read "O-O-Oh!"

“My name is Seth, nice to meet you” You forgot your punctuation there at the end.

“Wanna go on a date?” I asked. “Sure,” Blake said. Who asks someone on a date IMMEDIATELY? You didn't even ask Mai if this was all right with her. What if Mai had a crush or something? Kinda inconsiderate...

My sister looked at me weirdly then once I noticed it, she smiled. She mouthed something and it seemed like she said “sorry she was the only one”. I was about to ask her but Blake rushed out the door. "My sister looked at me weirdly then once I noticed it, she smiled." needs a comma after "weirdly" and for the comma to be removed after "it". "My sister looked at me weirdly, then once I noticed it she smiled. She mouthed something and it seemed like she said “sorry she was the only one” sounds much better (imo). “I’ve dated about 12 guys in my life and every time we go on our first date someone tries to take him from me so I have a talk with the person nd then my boyfriend breaks up with me.” Blake said. You could use a comma after "life". And also, and*. Also, a comma after "then". But this is optional. This would create something like "“I’ve dated about 12 guys in my life, and every time we go on our first date someone tries to take him from me so I have a talk with the person and then, my boyfriend breaks up with me.” Blake said."

"She doesn’t look like a murderer so, I didn’t listen." Remove the comma.

"I was about to ask her the more important question but, she doesn't want that pressure on her." You could either remove the comma, or replace it with an ellipsis. (Ellipsis = ...)

"“Thats my girlfriend you know,” I said." Needs an apostrophe in "Thats" and you could put a comma after girlfriend to create "That's my girlfriend, you know,". Also, the ending of the quotation should be a period because the sentence is not being continued.

"It was going to be true love but, love is fake. I was right all along!" Unnecessary comma after "but". The sentence also makes no sense and I don't know how to explain this.

"“Charolette! What happened?” I asked." Wasn't her name Mai?

"The next morning, I checked my sister’s room and she was gone. Later, the police arrived and said that she was murdered by a girl named Black Robinson that has killed 12 people and made that 13 if you add this one." Black? She was using a fake name? Who names their child Black? My name might as well be Purple. Also, add should be changed to "added" because of your use of past-tense. You could also put a comma after "people". Your end sentence could look something like "The next morning, I checked my sister’s room and she was gone. Later, the police arrived and said that she was murdered by a girl named Black Robinson that has killed 12 people, and made that 13 if you added this one." But the comma is optional, cause tbh I'm not quite sure about that decision.

"“I’ve dated about 13 guys in my life and every time we go on our first date someone tries to take him from me so I have a talk with the person nd then my boyfriend breaks up with me. And one of their sisters died recently and I think I might try again since she’s gone.”" Basically what I said last time.

I don't know what to say about this story, it's kind of cliche, but I can't put my finger on what's the cliche part. It's just my opinion though. But it's DEFINITELY an improvement! Gj!

Thanks LMAO[]

I was going to change the name to Charlotte oops! Grammarly must have corrected me when It said Blake but it might be a good idea. I think I should put more dialogue before they go on their date. I feel like somethings cliche too but I just can't put my finger on it.

me when cryo archers from genshin impact bro (talk) 17:19, 26 May 2022 (UTC) Xiaangling[]

OH, and I forgot to mention. How'd the police find the girl's full name??

Answer[]

They're police...?

me when cryo archers from genshin impact bro (talk) 17:34, 26 May 2022 (UTC)Xiaangling[]

oh.

I guess.... they are police. Yes. That makes sense. YOUNEVERSAWMEHEREAAAAAAAAOKBYE

Lol[]

LMAO! It's okay bro.

me when cryo archers from genshin impact bro (talk) 14:03, 27 May 2022 (UTC)Xiaangling[]

MORE.

"Until my sister, Charolette introduced her friend to me." It's already a crime to spell "Charlotte" like "Charolette". Either the person that named her has an accent, they can't spell, or everyone around them thought it was intentional and they were merely trying to be unique.

"She was a pretty cute girl in my opinion. She had blonde hair, pale skin, blue eyes, and height. Or should I say “my type”? That was the first time I ever felt a feeling for someone. But that's where a yandere was born." | This makes no sense. "That was the first time I ever felt a feeling for someone" could be changed to "That was the first time I ever caught feelings for someone. "But that's where a yandere was born." COME OOOONNNN WHO CARES IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE SO MUCH YOU KILL PEOPLE FOR THEM? IT'S AN OVERUSED CLICHE TROPE AND- Anyway, I digress- who was the yandere? I thought she killed those other people before she met Seth. Also... you just spoiled the "plot twist" (if I can call it that, it was quite obvious really) for the reader. Also, she had "height"? Come on. I could be 2'11 and TECHNICALLY I would still have height. I'm gonna assume this means she's tall, therefore you could say she was 91'9 or something which would make the sentence say "She had blonde hair, pale skin, blue eyes, and a height of 91'9."

"“She was here and she started talking about true love and she was mad that I didn’t let her in the house and-” I cut her off." Seth is supposed to know who "she" is, yes. Of course.

"“That’s all I need to hear. Use all that pacing into staying alive.”" Pacing? Pacing around the room? You could change the word "pacing" to energy. But anyhow, this protagonist is STRANGELY calm for someone who's just seen their sister stabbed.

" I said. I took her into the bathroom and bandaged her up. She went to her room and went to sleep. I went to sleep also." You could switch out the period after the first "sleep" for a comma, and also, this protagonist is an idiot. HOW DO YOU GO TO SLEEP KNOWING A POSSIBLE MURDERER KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE? ARE YOU NOT CONCERNED FOR YOUR SISTER? And also, did you not call the police? 911, perHAPS????

" Later, the police arrived and said that she was murdered by a girl named Black Robinson that has killed 12 people, and made that 13 if you added this one." How'd the police show up? You didn't call 911. I'm to assume the stabbing has been in the house after Blake let herself in, right? So who saw?


"And one of their sisters died recently and I think I might try again since she’s gone.”" Can't believe I didn't catch this one before. I'm pretty sure you need a comma after "recently".' Also, are we expected to believe that this sister died just because she got stabbed in the HAND? TOUGHEN UP. MY GOD. /j

Also, you didn't fix the errors on the previous comments I made... Also, Grammarly is NOT a viable option for proofreading. Grammarly is just as much trash as... Kokomi with 4pc Blizzard Strayers. (reference)

On the flipside, I liked how the protagonist's gender was ambiguous, ig... but this is probably just a self insert. I mean, YOUR NAME IS SETH. And also, you're non-binary right? Kind of a self-insert pasta. AND! I'm so proud of youuuuuuuuuu!! This is the first time the protagonist has been a good guy (but a stoic-faced idiot)!!! This is a major breakthrough in your creepypasta writing!!! Sound the trumpets, play the jukeboxes!!! YAY!!!!

Thanks Lmao![]

I was gonna give up on Grammarly but now I really am since you brought up the Kokomi with 4pc Blizzard Strayers lol! I made all of the edits! Check it out now.

me when cryo archers from genshin impact bro (talk) 16:36, 27 May 2022 (UTC)Xiaangling[]

Hi... again. *insert evil expression here*

"Until my sister, Charlotte introduced her friend to me." Comma after "Charlotte".

"But I never liked anyone in my entire 23 years of life. I never found any girl or boy interesting." This sentence could be changed to "But I never liked anyone in the 23 years of my life, I never found any girl or boy interesting."

"She had blonde hair, pale skin, blue eyes, and height of 6'2." Change it to "She had blonde hair, pale skin, blue eyes, and *a* height of 6'2." Also, may I just mention this woman is TALL. Like omg 6'2 LMAO

"I was about to ask her but Blake rushed out the door." You COULD add a comma after "but", but it's not really too necessary. Just a little nitpick.

"We were walking in a park and me and she was talking about our love life and her’s was really…weird." You gotta be kidding me X_X. You don't need an apostrophe in "her's", and also, you need a space after your "...".

"“I’ve dated about 12 guys in my life, and every time we go on our first date someone tries to take him from me so I have a talk with the person and then, my boyfriend breaks up with me.” Blake said." Wow. Popular lady, aren't you! Also, move the comma after "then" to after "person" to create the sentence of “I’ve dated about 12 guys in my life, and every time we go on our first date someone tries to take him from me so I have a talk with the person, and then my boyfriend breaks up with me."

"I was about to ask her the more important question but..she doesn't want that pressure on her." What question? The "Do you wanna be my girlfriend? Wink wink, nudge nudge, bow chicka wow wow?" That? I guess that would make sense... But when I first read, I thought the question would be "Are you actually a murderer?" or "Is that guy your ex or not?" so it could use more clarification IMO. By the way, spaces after your periods and "..."s.

"“That's my girlfriend you know.” I said." What? Since when? I thought the previous question actually WAS "Will you be my girlfriend?" Did Seth say this to scare the other guy off, or what? "I walked away and I and Blake started walking back to my house." You could change "I and Blake" to "me and Blake".

" I finally knew what my sister meant by “sorry she was the only one”. " But I don't. Maybe I'm being dense, but what does "sorry she was the only one" even mean?

" She started talking but she was barely audible since she was also crying." Comma after "talking".

Yay, some of the plot holes are cleared! WOOOOOO

Thanks![]

I did the edits and I added some more text (just a little). Btw, I had to make my protag be smarter. And what do you think his name should be because I don't want to have a self insert?

Also here is your evil impression

Download (42)

me when cryo archers from genshin impact bro (talk) 18:06, 27 May 2022 (UTC)Xiaangling[]

Hi for the... what, 4th time?

"We were walking in a park and me and she was talking about our love life and hers was really… weird." Me and *she* could be changed to "me and Her" or "me and Blake"

"A man was staring at her and he gave her the finger and told me “That girl is a murderer!”" If he knew, why did he not report it to the police if he had a valid reason to believe this?

And also, I think a good name for the protagonist would be Em, but I'm not good at making up names. :P

Thanks again![]

You see how at the end someone that looks like Blake appears again? Thats how she got away with it (if that made sense). Also, check your talk page.

me when cryo archers from genshin impact bro (talk) 18:40, 27 May 2022 (UTC)Xiaangling[]

hi

" I only said It as a bluff since I actually liked Blake a little bit already." Why is "it" uppercased lol

Climax![]

Should I post this tomorrow or should we keep waiting? @Tewahway will see how much I've improved!

me when cryo archers from genshin impact bro (talk) 19:40, 27 May 2022 (UTC)Xiaangling[]

I asked Tehwahway to come onto the Writers Workshop and look at the creepypasta just to be safe, so I think we should wait for him.

Alright![]

Okay, I hope it's good, it will be! Right?

Tewahway (Talk) 20:51, 27 May 2022 (UTC)[]

I'm pressed for time, but I'm going to try to give as much feedback as I can. I'll underline any notable issues, and explain them.

“My name is Em, nice to meet you.”

If Seth is the main character, his sister is Charlotte, and the prospective girlfriend's name is Blake... Who the hell is Em?

My sister looked at me weirdly, then once I noticed it she smiled. She mouthed something and it seemed like she said “sorry she was the only one". I was about to ask her but, Blake rushed out the door. “C’mon!” Blake said. Not totally sure what's supposed to be implied here. Is his sister trying to set him up, and Blake was the only appropriate girl she could find? Also, he was about to ask her what? The comma is probably not really necessary there either.

We were walking in a park and me and her wastalking about our love life and hers was really… weird.

"and me and her" reads really awkwardly. You could definitely rephrase that into something more coherent. "We were walking in a park. Blake and I..." Also, "was" should be "were". One more, "love life" in the plural is kind of awkward. "love lives" may make more sense. Reconstructed, the sentence could look something like this:

We were walking in a park. Blake and I were talking about our love lives and hers was really… weird. Anyway, moving on...

I gave her a look that I wanted her to notice. It was a look of suspicion. She yanked me towards her and started pacing past a house. A man was staring at her and he gave her the finger and told me “That girl is a murderer!” She doesn’t look like a murderer so I didn’t listen.

Tense, again. "Doesn't should be didn't".

“What’s wrong with him? Is he your ex?” She didn’t answer and just paced faster. I was about to ask her the more important question but.. she doesn't want that pressure on her. I wanted to know what happened with those two. I don’t think she does anyway. We arrived and sat down on a bench. She rested her head on my shoulder and started talking to me.

What more important question? Who was that guy? How do you know each other? What happens with guys on your first date? There's quite a few questions. Also, how does he know what she wants?

Regarding the I don't think she does anyway. What does this mean? He doesn't think she does... what?

“That's my girlfriend you know.” I said. I only said it as a bluff since I actually liked Blake a little bit already. “Um, we’re going on a date tomorrow,” the man said. I was shocked. Not! I already knew that she was gonna do that. She’s a pretty girl that has dated 12 guys, what are you supposed to expect? I walked away and me and Blake started walking back to my house.

He was shocked... not? He wasn't shocked? How did he know she would do that. He knew that she would go talk to another guy, but how did he know that she would set up another date? Just because she's had a ton of first dates doesn't mean she's a floozy. She said herself that she never seems to get past the first date.

I ran home and I didn’t hear from her or talk about her for the rest of the day. I finally knew what my sister meant by “sorry she was the only one”. She knew that Blake was a favored bitch! I cried. I did. I knew my entire life that love was fake! I guess I'm better off without anyone...

What does "favoured bitch" mean?

“That’s all I need to hear. Use all that energy into staying alive.” I said. I took her into the bathroom and bandaged her up. She went to her room and went to sleep. I locked every single door in the house to make sure no one could come in. I don't know who would go psycho for love but I know there's someone that would. I went to sleep after making sure the house was secure.

Very stale and unrealistic dialogue. A young man who has found his sister to be the victim of a stabbing isn't going to react that way. Also, why would they not call an ambulance / the cops? Let's be real here, would you comfortably be able to sleep in this situation?

The next morning, I checked my sister’s room and she was gone. Later, the police arrived and said that she was murdered by a girl named Black Robinson that has killed 12 people, and make that 13 if you added this one. She was arrested and the only reason she was caught was because there was a witness last night that saw it from their window. A few years later I dated another girl and she looked pretty close to what Blake looked like.

Why is her name "Black" all the sudden? Also, why kill the sister when she always killed her prospective boyfriends? That's not her M.O. at all... Furthermore, would he not be concerned or put off by a girl who looks just like the one who murdered his sister?

“I’ve dated about 13 guys in my life, and every time we go on our first date someone tries to take him from me so I have a talk with the person and then my boyfriend breaks up with me. And one of their sisters died recently and I think I might try again since she’s gone.”

Why does she claim the sister as one of her boyfriends, but then make a distinction about it? Also, why him? Again?

The details here are foggy, and vague at best. I will admit, that it's much more cohesive, and well put together than before, but there are some seriously glaring issues with the plot. We don't need to know everything, but we need to know something.

Here's the facts: Seth doesn't believe in love, gets a crush on a girl who's a psycho (and murders her prospective boyfriends), she kills his sister (for some reason), then attempts to date him again? Does that really seem all that reasonable, realistic, or believable?

Don't get me wrong, this is a huge improvement. Good job on that, but there are still some glaring issues here. Really try to make us see what you see in your head. For every single detail you let us know you should know 100. Let us get a glimpse into a well created, and thought out story.

I'd go into more depth, but as I mentioned, I'm pressed for time. Good improvements, but still not quite there yet.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!![]

Okay that helped the hella a lot! Thank you for this because I never thought about some things here. Well that means that this will still be in the works till what like next Friday or something. And now you see why I had to get someone to delete it because of some plot holes that needed to be filled in. Thank you very for you time! Have a good day!

Xia![]

I may not be working on this creepypasta this weekend(expect weekends to be off days). Also, on June 11th that's when I will be on a little hiatus myself. So I might log into my account on my cousins Ipad. And that's when I'll get in touch with you on discord! If you don't see me putting commas in the wrong places during the weekend then I'm taking the weekend off! Have a good day ttyl!

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