Forums: Index > Writers' Workshop > Vangeance
This is a story about the darkest parts of the mind. About how people aren’t born to hate, they are taught. That people aren’t born to do bad things, they are molded, like clay, into it. Sometimes, psychopaths aren’t born, they’re made. Keep in mind as you read this story that we are all monsters. Some just show it more than others.
It was a Monday morning. Outside, rain came down with a soft pitter-patter. On top of that came the tick of the clock as it moved the minute hand.
16 year old Gabby Hilbert Hayes eyes shot open, and darted at her clock. 6:00 AM. Time for school. She groaned. Being a new girl at her school, and this being her first day, she knew she had to give a good first impression. She got out a pair of black leggings, and her favorite green t-shirt, with a v-neck. She liked the combination, as she thought it really complimented her blonde hair and bright green eyes. Putting some makeup on and brushing her hair, she looked in the mirror, nodding in satisfaction.
She ran down the stairs, as Gabby’s mom gave her toast.
“I see your up early”, chuckled Gabby’s mother.
“Mom, you know first impressions are super important! I don’t want to embarrass myself the first day…”, huffed Gabby.
“I know I know. Bye dear.”
“Bye mom.”
Gabby grabbed her phone, and her black and white floral backpack, and ran off. She looked at her phone. 7:45, school starts in 15 minutes! Gabby ran, occasionally bumping into some people on the sidewalk, as a string of soft apologies were in her wake. Finally, she reached her final destination, and ran to her class. She looked at her schedule. Biology was her first period. The teacher spots Gabby, and beckons her to the front of the class. Gabby gulped. All eyes were on her.
“Class, I would like you to meet Gabby. Gabby, why don’t you sit in the back corner, alright?” the teacher said.
Gabby nodded, and tentatively went to her seat as whispered abrupted. Ignoring them, Gabby concentrated on her work.
Finally, lunch came. Gabby looked around, realizing she had nowhere to sit. She sighs and goes to an empty table, and starts opening her lunch. It was very simple but still delicious, with chips, a sandwich, and yogurt. She starts eating her sandwich, when she noticed a group of boys and girls were walking to her table. Three boys, and three girls. Uh-oh. Cue the popular kids. A platinum blonde girl slams her hand on the table. Gabby remembered that this girl she helped in math, with a problem.
“Who the HELL do you think you are?! A teacher’s pet?” The blonde spat. Gabby was sort of stunned by the outburst. This blonde should be thankful, not verbally attacking her! Gabby quickly gained her composure, and smiled innocently.
“Oh you mean in math? You seemed to be really, really struggling, so I thought I’d help you! Don’t worry, it’s common for people to be bad at math. If you want I can see if I can tutor you.” Crooned Gabby, sweetly. One of the boys in the group snorted.
The blonde’s face turned fifty shades of red. She grabbed hold of Gabby’s shirt.
“Listen you little shit-“, seethed the blonde.
“Ah, ah, ah! I haven’t even been introduced yet and your already threatening me! How extremely rude…” tutted Ganby. The crowd that was forming around Gabby’s table laughed.
“Her name is Tanesha”, said a person in the crowd.
“Thank you! I appreciate you telling me that.” Beamed Gabby. Gabby, if she did say so herself, was a witty, charming young girl, who knew who to take care of a bully. Gabby knew that if she stays calm, innocent and kind, outside influence would take part. Majority beats the minority. Gabby smiled widely.
“Want a chip?” Cooed Gabby, and Tanesha grumbled profanities under her breath, before walking away with her loonies trailing behind. Just for that win, her day got a whole lot better.
Gabby was sad to have enemies the first day, but really, she expected that. Nobody went through life enemy free, you know. And so for the past week, Gabby went through her day having Tanesha’s death stare burn holes in her head, as well as diffusing near fights, and avoiding her at all cost. She found out the two other girls' names, Vanessa and Carol. The three boys were Tony, Sam, and Cameron. Tony was Tanesha’s boyfriend. Sam, Gabby was quite fond of, as he was very nice to her, and defended her sometimes.
Right now it was almost Halloween, and the Autumn leaves were beginning to fall in beautiful hues. Gabby was enjoying the scenery. Autumn was her favorite season, as it was the most beautiful, and something about it just was so elegant and enchanting, you just had to love it. Her admiration was soon interrupted when she started hearing footsteps.
“I’m not deaf, you know. I can hear you guys.” Gabby exclaimed.
“Awe, that's no way to say hello!” Tanesha sneered, in mockery of Gabby.
Gabby only smiled.
“Ohh I so apologize! That was so RUDE of me, please, forgive my insolence!!” Cried Gabby dramatically. She could have been a pretty good actress.
Tanesha was just fuming. She stomped up to Gabby and pushed her to the ground. Gabby yelped in surprise. She wasn’t so keen on any physical confrontation, and in all honesty, didn’t believe Tanesha had the guts to really do it: Gabby’s body hit the pavement, making brush burns into Gabby’s hands, shoulder, cheek, and knees. Gabby grunts. But before her mind processes what was happening, Gabby got a kick to the stomach. A wheeze left Gabby’s lips, followed by a series of coughing and dry heaving.
“EVER SINCE YOU CAME TO THIS SCHOOL, ALL YOU EVER GAVE ME WAS TROUBLE. ITS ABOUT TIME SOMEBODY PUT YOU IN YOUR PLACE YOU FUCKING BITCH!” Tanesha screeched, as repeated kicks were inflicted.
“Tanesha… I-I think t-thats enough…” mumbled Vanessa, as she shifted uncomfortably.
Same walked over to Tanesha, and attempted to push her away. Tanesha turned around and was about to punch Sam, when she came back to reality, and stopped her blind rage. She gasped. She became flustered.
“L-let’s just g-go to school…” Tanesha mumbled as she scurried away.
Gabby layed there, groaning in pain. A young woman came running out of her house in her robe and slippers. Gabby knew this lady very well, as she always says hello to her. Sometimes Gabby might get a cookie or 2 made by her. The sweet lady’s name is Veronica. She started fussing over Gabby, and got her into her house, while Gabby called her mom, explaining the whole situation, and where she was.
Eventually Gabby’s mother did come and worried over her daughter, before thanking Veronica and leaving. Gabby finally reached the wonderful confines of her room. She was in complete agony. She went to her bed, and looked at her injuries. A giant bruise was forming every single place Tanesha kicked or hit. She was a mess. Her face was terrible too. A black eye was forming in her right eye. A gosh was on her right cheek, and her lip was busted. Exhausted, she dozed off, taking on and off naps, her mother occasionally checking in on her.
The next day Gabby didn’t go to school. Nor the day after that. It was the day before Halloween, and Gabby felt the injuries were…. Tolerable to look at now. So she put mascara on, put her hair up, and went to school. Gabby was getting some weird glances and many questioned what happened. She told the truth. Soon, word spread, and by lunch, Tanesha was slamming her hand on Gabby’s table.
“WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HAVE TO TELL THE WHOLE SCHOOL?!” Screamed Tanesha.
“Actually, I told one or two people, who told other people. I don’t have time nor the energy to tell the entire school.” Said Gabby as she sipped her juice (it was very delicious for a matter of fact).
“Do you know how BADLY this destroys my reputation?!” Growled Tanesha.
“Number 1. What reputation? Number 2. That’s not my problem now is it?” Shrugged Gabby as Sam snorts.
Tanesha looked like she was gonna flip a table. Suddenly she took a few breaths, and sat down, folding her hands calmly.
“You know what, I forgive you”, said Tanesha solemnly, “I was a real bitch to you. And I apologize.”
“Who are you and what have you done to Tanesha?” Said Gabby suspiciously.
Tanesha laughed. Gabby didn’t like how she was acting at all. People who act like this usually want something in return.
“So what do you want?” Said Gabby, not amused at all of the situation.
“You should come to my Halloween party tonight. I’ll be expecting you there. It’s at 7, here is my address.” Said Tanesha, while writing down her address on a slip of paper.
Gabby sighs and reluctantly takes it. Finally Tanesha and her loonies left, leaving Gabby with her thoughts and skepticism.
Once home Gabby grabbed all her supplies. This included a white dress, red food coloring, and knife. Gabby looked at her watch. 6:45, time to go! Gabby rushed out and to her surprise found the house fairly quickly. Bustles and bustles of people swarmed it, it wasn’t that hard to miss. Tanesha spotted Gabby, and her smile widened. Her costume was Cleopatra.
“GABBY!!” Squealed Tanesha, as she tightly hugged Gabby. There was a bunch of red flags throughout that whole ordeal. Something wasn’t right.
“Come on, I live near the forest and it’s super pretty when the sunset comes. Come on, I wanna show you!” Exclaimed an overly excited Tanesha. She started to drag Gabby out and she had no choice but to go.
20 minutes going deeper and deeper into the forest, Gabby just had to say something.
“Hey… we are pretty far gone, are we lost or something?” Said Gabby nervously.
Suddenly Tanesha just froze. She just… stood there.
“Er… Tanesha?” Said a now worried, very worried Gabby.
“NOW!” Yelled Tanesha, then Gabby’s world faded to black.
Gabby slowly woke up with her head throbbing. She noticed she was chained in a dark (and oddly smelly) room.
Gabby was extremely confused.
“What the…” mumbled Gabby. Where was she? What happened? She had so many unanswered questions.
Right now she was scared shitless. She didn’t want to die. She didn’t want to be beat up again, if worst, tortured. Gabby just wanted to go home.
“I see you’re awake.” Said a voice. Gabby knew it immediately. Tanesha.
“What do you want from me? I did nothing to you. Nothing! You are the only one attacking me, harassing me . Just leave me alone!” Seethed Gabby.
“You did NOTHING?! All you ever did was mock me, embarrass me, you made me loose my REPUTATION! You piece of good for nothing shit, you DESERVE to ROT. IN. HELL.” Roars Tanesha.
“I ONLY DID THAT BECAUSE I WAS DEFENDING MYSELF!” Cried Gabby.
“Shut the FUCK up.” Growled Tanesha,”Right now all I want to hear are your SCREAMS of agony.”
“I… I don’t think we should do this… Tanesha.. please don’t.” Pleaded Vanessa.
“Whose side are you on?! Do you wanna be like her?” Threatened Tanesha. Vanessa shook her head. Tanesha turned back to Gabby, an insane look gleamed in her eyes.
“Where shall we start? How bout cutting every last bit of your fucking MOUTH.” Smiled Tanesha, cruelly.
Gabby’s eyes start to flood with tears. Ganesha brought out a switch blade. Gabby screamed in terror, and Tanesha stabbed the knife in her cheek. Right under the cheek bone, to the lips, then to the other side. Blood gushed out in pools, as Gabby howled in agony. Tanesha started cutting to the start of the wound down to her jaw bone, to the other side of her face, and repeating the same ordeal. Tanesha now has Gabby’s cheeks and chin fully cut off. Gabby quivered in so much pain. Tanesha started laughing wildly, as she examines Gabby’s skin, no longer connected in her face. You could see every single last one of Gabby’s teeth.
Gabby could see the looks of the other peoples faces. The look of terror. Sadness. Gabby shakily tried to bring her hand to her nonexistent lower half of her face. Tears began to fall like a waterfall. She started to sob. Her wails echoed in that awful, DISGUSTING, room.
“Now now, I’m not even done!” Cooed Tanesha.
She pulled out a chain from her pocket. It was a rope chain saw. Gabby’s eyes widened. What was she going to do with that chain?! Tanesha lifted the pieces of skirt from Gabby’s leg. Gabby then realized, Tanesha was going to cut off her legs. Gabby flailed around, trying so desperately to at least have a fighting chance, but to no avail. She went limp, sobbing, as she realized that she couldn’t do anything, to save her life.
Tanesha started to giggle madly, as Gabby whimpered. Gabby, as a last resort, looked pleadingly at Sam, but he just looked away. Gabby’s heart sank. Not even Sam. She had no body.
Tanesha immediately started to saw Gabby’s legs off. Gabby screamed. Probably even the deepest parts of hell could hear Gabby’s soul-freezing screams.
Gabby has never been in so much agony in her life. Her body was plagued with spasms as Tanesha slowly cut into her second leg. Gabby watched as the last leg she had dropped to the floor. She watched as Tanesha had fits of insanity, as she giggled and babbled to herself. Tanesha got changed from her bloody costume, and walked out, with her loonies, like nothing had happened. Gabby just laid there, on the floor, as the life drained from
her, one minute at a time.
It was 12:00 when Gabby Hilbert Hayes died, at sixteen years old.
. . .
Gabby woke up with a start. She looked down. She was… looking down at herself…? She gasped.
“I… I-I thought… I thought I died…” Gabby mumbled, surprisingly being fully understandable though mouthless.
There was only one possible explanation to this. Gabby was a ghost. But how? Ghosts weren’t real. Well… she guessed they were now cause now she is one. Gabby sighed, and floated away from her… gruesome body. She went outside, and started to think. What now? She was a ghost. All her dreams, and hopes, were shattered. Gabby wondered how long it’ll take to find her body. She wondered how her mother will take her death.
Gabby’s heart ached for her mother. Her poor mother… finding out her daughter was brutally murdered… She hoped her mother would stay strong.
Gabby wondered what should she do now? Her eyes caught the sight of a mirror. She saw her grotesque reflection. Her hair… her lush, blonde hair… was now a deep raven black. Her eyes were now fully green, and glowed a light green hue. Her face… her cheeks were gone, and chin, too. Blood dripped from her face wound. Blood that will drip forever. Scraps and bruises littered her whole body. Her dress was ripped, with holes everywhere. Her skirt to her dress was dirt and blood covered. She noticed long metal chains on her wrists, the same chains that held her down as she was forced to accept her gruesome fate. Then… her legs. Just stumps now, not even legs. The stumps went to the middle of her thigh. That too bled, and that too probably will bleed forever.
Gabby, as she saw each and every single thing Tanesha did to her, got angry. She was so pissed, until she realized. She was dead. If she killed… someone. Nobody would be able to arrest her, as she was dead!
An eye for an eye, as they always say.
. . .
Tanesha hummed as she fluffed her pink pillow. It’s been 2 weeks since that stupid PEST was… let’s just say merely exterminated.
Tanesha looked at her phone. She was getting a little peeved. None of her friend group has messaged her, for… she checks her watch, 9:00, it has been a whopping 2 hours. Not even Tony, her boyfriend has given her one message. How unbearably rude! Tanesha knew how skeptical and afraid they were to do the murder. Maybe they are just paranoid.
Tanesha groaned, then flopped onto her bed. Suddenly her phone dinged. She gasped in delight. It took them long enough!
“Huh…?” Tanesha muttered as she looked at her messages.
She screamed. On each of the messages sent, was her friends… strangled… Each and every one of them. Vanessa… Carol… Her boyfriend, Tony… Cameron… Sam…
She couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Tanesha dropped her phone, and whimpered. She was so terrified it wasn’t even funny. Suddenly, she heard laughter, and Tanesha’s heart sank. She was home alone. Tanesha started to cry.
“Please, I-I’ll give you money! I’ll give you anything, what do you want, I’ll get it!” Pleaded Tanesha.
“I want my fucking LIFE back, you know the one you took from me?” Growled Gabby.
Tanesha’s heart sank.
“Do you wanna know what you did to me?! LET’S TAKE A PREVIEW OF HELL, SHALL WE?!” Screeched Gabby.
“I… No… please no… I’m sorry-“ begged Tanesha.
“A liBuddy You Aint Got That Style (talk) 22:32, 9 October 2023 (UTC)l’ “sorry” won’t cut it. You can’t just say sorry I took your fucking mouth, legs, and future. You got to REPENT for your SINS.” Screamed Gabby.
Tanesha heard with horror, chains being dragged amongst the silence. That terrible, awful, horrid scratching sound, as it slowly made its way toward Tanesha. It was as if it was counting each second, each last second of life Tanesha might have.
screeEEEECH
screeEEEECH
screeEEEECH
“Boo.” Said Gabby, as she appeared right in front of Tanesha’s face. Tanesha screamed as loud as she could, the whole world could probably hear her terror.
“PLEASE DON’T KILL ME- PLEASE I’M BEGGING YOU!” Sobbed Tanesha.
“You’re funny. Did YOU let me live when I begged?” Hell, to the no. Which means, why do you have to live when you didn’t give me the same honor?” Tutted Gabby.
Gabby suddenly snaked the chains that were on Gabby around Tanesha’s neck, suffocating her. She tried gasping but got no sizes she clawed at the chains but she was just grabbing air. She could feel the chains cut into her skin. Her face become blue. She could feel the life draining from her body. She looked at Gabby with pleading eyes.
“Revenge is the sweetest thing, ain’t it?” Said Gabby sweetly, before tightening her hold around the neck of Tanesha, as she watched her go limp.
This, is Vengeance.
Buddy You Aint Got That Style (talk) 22:32, 9 October 2023 (UTC)Buddy You Aint Got That Style
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Squidmanescape (talk) 08:09, 10 October 2023 (UTC)[]
I'm just going to repeat my critique from last time and then update it a little.
I think this might work, but my take is that you should probably focus more on her life and actions as a ghost, and how those affect the people she helps. For example, you could have her help someone who is being bullied and tell her backstory to that character as part of the story.
If you just focus on the backstory of the character without going into the actual ramifications of murder amongst normal people who don't murder each other, I feel like it could just turn into a specific kind of power fantasy which has been done so many times that it's not allowed on the site.
This is just what I talked about. People don't just torture others because it's fun. That's a legitimately messed-up thing to do. Just because the character's bully is more evil than the character, that doesn't mean the character is a good person.
You didn't even show that Gabby still has a moral compass, even though you said you would. In stories that are "Jeff-inspired", in other words written like this, it's really easy to forget to do that.
I don't think you will ever be able to put this story on this site without rewriting it from another point of view, though I guess you could put it on the Spinpasta Wiki if you want.