Welcome to Delta Escape Rooms: A Tight Squeeze[]
PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS A DRAFT. IT IS NOT CLOSE TO BEING FINISHED YET. THANKS.
This account was taken with permission from the records of the Solomon County Police Department.
Subject: Alan Panchinker
Time of Account: 3:45 a.m. PT
I...I’m not sure what happened before I woke up. I mean, I just remember sitting on my couch, watching TV. I’m pretty sure I passed out or something. When I woke up, I was lying on a cold, hard floor in an unfamiliar room.
I sat up to take my bearings: the room was about as big as my living room, and everything–the walls, the floor, even the door–were made of concrete. There was a medium-sized bookshelf filled with a variety of books, a small desk with locked drawers, and what seemed to be some kind of hole in the floor in the far corner. And...a person.
I thought he was dead for a moment. The guy was lying deathly still, on his stomach, appearing not to even breathe. Instincts told me to stay away, just in case, but instead, I slowly inched forward towards the man. Gingerly, I poked him in the shoulder, then harder the second time.
With a groan, the man stirred
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Cornco- *splutters and dies* (talk) 23:57, 22 March 2022 (UTC)[]
There isn't a whole lot here to analyse, but I'll do my best. What I will say is that if this is in the context of a police interview, you might want to consider writing the main bulk of the story as more as a script than a regular creepypasta. For example, it would make a little more sense if you structure the opening two paragraphs like this:
INTERVIEWER: From the beginning, please, Mr. Panchinker. (side note: bit of a weird name, but whatever)
PANCHINKER: I...I’m not sure what happened before I woke up. I mean, I just remember sitting on my couch, watching TV. I’m pretty sure I passed out or something. When I woke up, I was lying on a cold, hard floor in an unfamiliar room.
INTERVIEWER: What was the first thing you did in this room?
PANCHINKER: I sat up to take my bearings: the room was about as big as my living room, and everything–the walls, the floor, even the door–were blah blah blah you get the idea.
Assuming this is supposed to be based off a visual recording, you could even put little asides in-between lines to describe body language and the like, just to give it a bit more detail.
Finally, the title is kinda bloated. I would say drop the opening "Welcome to", or better yet, lose the subtitle as well and just call it "Delta Escape Rooms".
That's all the criticism I can levy to this. Hope it helps.