What seems to be real
Nathen and I were best friends for as long as we can remember. We used to play in the park every Sunday and get ice cream in the afternoon or have sleepovers at my house and play videogames past 12.
Then he moved…
It was a big fork in the path, his father said he found a “better job” or as Nathen would quote it. They moved to Massachusetts, three states away from where we lived. We were devastated when we found out and when it came to that day I cried all night afterwards.
6 years later I was now 15 and technology took a big curve. Now cars drive themselves, every gamer has a SP54 Vr headset with virtual touch, Businesses are mostly online with machines doing all of the labor work. And finally, I was going to meet Nathen again. He had recently moved back and was going to the same highschool as me “it's almost like destiny” he told me on a virtual screen that was displayed through my sensory wristband (the modern day cell phone). Although he moved we never lost touch, the internet helped with that by the use of social media and online games. The day had come again, finishing where it left off 6 years ago. The front doors opened as I walked through Sycamore High, the Freshmen stared in awe as they would usually do for their first few days at their new highschool. I saw his schedule before and he was in the same first class that I was in.
When I entered the classroom I saw him, barely as he looked so different now, but I saw him. I immediately ran up to him and gave him a hug, he smiled back, probably in shock of seeing me again. As the bell rang we were told that we could sit wherever we want today, the teacher Mr. Eran announced that Nathon was a new kid at this school in a 60 year old monotone voice. He looked like he had no soul left in him, as if the countless days of staring at a screen sucked it all up. That is how almost all old people are like these days. The teacher rambled on for 20 minutes, I was whispering to Nathen about all of the fun we had together back in the old days, Nathen nodded on as though he could not remember. Probably because it has been so long and he has moved on. Then as I was in the middle of telling him how one time we used to get chased all the time by the 2 dogs that lived across the street, he looked so entranced, his eyes looked like they just wanted to know more and more. Then the teacher said “class do you got that” and Nathen immediately looked up at Mr. Eran in confusion and raised his hand. “Yes Nathen?” Mr. Eran asked and Nathen replied “I am sorry sir but I could not compute.”
So, after reading your draft, the story so far seems to be well written. It's a little lacking in imagery, though. Cheeselover405 23:27, 19 November 2020 (UTC)
So you're saying Nathen is a robot? That isn't entirely obvious the way it's written now. Nathen just seems a bit weird. You should spend more time fleshing his character out, so to speak. Make it really obvious that now he's very different from how the narrator remembers him. Show people what Nathen was like when he was young. Then spend some time showing what Nathen is like now. Maybe he was the class clown before or cried easily or really loved animals but now he seems emotionless/cold and extremely logically. Also, make sure you spell the characters' names correctly through out (Nathen vs Nathon). That's my two cents. Good luck! ExRwood (talk) 03:32, 20 November 2020 (UTC)ExRwood