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I wasn't thrilled when I found out we'd be moving to Georgia. I didn't know anything about it other than it was a swamp infested land filled with hicks. Upon arriving and seeing my new home it was a somewhat depressing sight. I sighed oh well, it's not like I get out that much anyway. Ever since my last breakup I've been mostly a shut-in bordering on agoraphobic, I sit in my dark room playing COD and browsing various message boards. It was after a few weeks since we moved in when my older brother Sam came into my room with a surprise I hadn't seen coming

“Hey pussy! stop being depressed we're in a new spot now we might as well enjoy it and you especially need to get some bitches!”

I was taken aback by his statement.

“What do you mean? like to get on one of those dating apps? I dunno man you know I haven't really been myself lately I don't think-”

“Too late I already made you a profile”

“You… WHAT?

“Yea man I took some pictures from your insta and mad you a dope bio”

“Sam, this says ‘I like to rock out with my cock out’ what the fuck dude you made me look like an asshole.

“No way broseph, see for yourself you already got a couple matches!”

He was right, I was shocked.

“Alright man tell you what i'll see if I can go meet up with a girl tonight if it'll get you off my back, now get the fuck out of my room!”

He left promptly with both middle fingers up “later pussy”

After playing a few more rounds of COD I begrudgingly decided to look through my matches. Most of them were your average blonde college bimbos with bios like “here for a good time not a long time” However one of them really stood out to me. Her name was Chelsey. She was a cool punk chick with ginger hair, there were pictures of her at shows and skateboarding. I thought she was cool so we got to talking, right away we got along well we both had the same raunchy sense of humor, she told me about the town and mentioned some of her favorite spots including a beach where apparently the water was so polluted if you had any open cuts it would eat away at your flesh.

She mentioned there was a house show she was going to tonight, she was going to attend with some friends and invited me out. I accepted. For the first time in a long time I was actually really excited for something. I got ready.

We met up outside the house full of drunken youths moshing in the living room. We talked for a while, swapping stories and laughing at each other's jokes. It was really nice to be with someone who seemed to enjoy my company and me likewise. She was pretty just like her pictures. She had just the right amount of freckles and beautiful forest green eyes.

Just then we heard a commotion inside the house.

It sounded like a violent fight had broken out, but the shrill screams of everyone inside made it apparent it was something far more sinister. Everyone began running out of the house, some were bleeding severely from their face or neck. That's when we saw a tall man stumble out onto the stoop of the house, his clothes soaked in blood and his face was missing so much of his skin you could see his skull and his eyes were bulging out of his head.

It was at this moment the implicit danger of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks. I grabbed my date and we set off running through the swampy forest next to the house. That's when I saw them, more and more of these animated corpses all around us. This is it I thought, I couldn't believe I was going to die like this and worse I couldn't even save Chelsey. That's when it hit me.

“Hey you told me about that beach here do you think we can get to it?

“Its right down that hill but that water is disgusting why would we-”

“No time to explain, let's go” I shouted and ran down the hill with her around my arm.

We ran onto the foggy musty beach with the horde not far behind us. It was quite a romantic sight. I thought watching the waves crashing onto the serene shore, the moon reflecting off of black waves. I thought if my plan worked we could come back here someday for a date. We rushed into the water and began treading water out past the breakers. The water was gross and it stung my legs where I was cut by the branches while running through the forest. Upon our assailants entering into the water their flesh sizzled it ate away until they were no longer able to swim and eventually they all succumbed to their watery grave. We swam to shore and looked out at the water together for a moment.

"Say you think I can stay with you for the night? I don't think I'd sleep very well alone”

I looked at her and smiled.

“I couldn't think of a better way to end the night.”

We walked back to my place sogging wet but I didn't care.

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~~You clever son of a beach! ~~[]

I loved your story man! I laughed when I read the part where he was reading his bio. It's a clever story but I think it would be better if you cut away when they're talking outside to the inside of the house so we know what was happening inside a bit better. Other than that, it's a good draft!

Te (talk) 14:07, 18 March 2022 (UTC)[]

Howdy Boda, I'm here to offer a bit of constructive criticism on your story.

In terms of technical issues:

Capitalization: Ensure proper nouns (names, like "Sam"), the pronoun "I", acronyms (like COD, otherwise people will think he's playing with a fish), and the beginning of every new sentence or line of dialogue is capitalized. There's a number of cases where capitalization is needed here, but none where it's unwarranted (so far from what I've seen).

Punctuation: There's a few cases where a comma would really help with the sentence structure/flow, or a period/end of sentence would be necessary.

For example:

“hey pussy stop being depressed we're in a new spot now we might as well enjoy it and you especially need to get some bitches!”

When cleaned up, could look something like this (I'll bold the differences):

Hey pussy! Stop being depressed, we're in a new spot now so we might as well enjoy it. You =, especially, need to get some bitches!”

Some of the commas aren't totally necessary, but really help dictate the flow of speech. If I, for example, briefly pause when speaking to say "for example" (as I literally just did), then I would put a comma in order to indicate a small break in the flow / interruption of thought (despite it being relevant, and part of the same sentence).

Another case when commas are very useful is in lists. Like this: “A table, chair, and wall were damaged in the fire.” Putting a comma before the “and” isn’t necessary in some types of English. American English warrants it though.

Dialogue: When you begin a new string of dialogue, or switch speakers during a conversation always begin a new line.

For example:

"I passed gas and touched cloth," I said.

"Should we pull over? Do you need a bathroom?" She asked.

Treat each new speaker as a new paragraph. If the dialogue is interrupted, like this.

"Fuck it, I'm pulling over!" She yelled. "It's stinking up the whole damn car!"

It's clear that it's the same speaker, despite being separate strings of dialogue. That can be part of the same line.

Also, ensure that you close your dialogue. The line  “This is it I thought, I couldn't believe I was going to die like this and worse I couldn't even save Chelsey. That's when it hit me

simply doesn't have an ending.

Now onto the plot:

I liked this story. The characters were believable, despite the story being so brief. You clearly illustrated who they are, as soon as they are introduced (respectively).

The random zombies in a sleepy, swampy Georgia town is kind of a cool concept. I would have liked to see a bit more elements of fear/concern, but this story is very short (so far).

If you intend to keep it as is, maybe flesh out a bit of the environment more (characters, reactions, scenery, the zombies, etc.). While it isn’t necessary to give a background on the why of the zombies (as obviously, from the protagonist’s perspective, he’d have no friggin idea), I wouldn’t mind a little bit more details about them.

The last point I’d make is that you may want to consider “What makes this a creepypasta?”

Anyways, in closing: I liked this story. It has a lot of potential. If you fix up the technical issues, it’d be in a good state, but I’d like a bit more details. Good work here Boda!