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Greetings dear traveler! Please allow me to extend our warmest welcome to our establishment! Please do come in! No doubt you have traveled so far trying to find your way, it simply will not do to have you left out in the cold!

There we are! It must be nice to rid yourself of the dreadful world outside! Please do make yourself comfortable, I would hate to see anyone coming through our doors feeling any less than right at home! Ah nonsense my dear! It is my duty to personally see to it that all our guests are properly attended to! Being a drop in making a simple pit stop hardly excludes you from the scope of my services! Could I get your name, if you don’t mind me asking?

Mmhmm… oh no, there’s no problem at all! Just an err of familiarity, if memory serves. If you will allow me but a moment…

Well let me say I certainly am glad to have crossed your path! As it so happens the place you were searching for is in fact this very establishment! I am so thrilled you were able to find us! It is no easy trek finding us out…

I’m sorry? Oh nonsense! I am more than happy to accommodate you; I will take you to your suite right away! Now, now, please do not fret…early arrivals are hardly an obstacle to our establishment. On behalf of our organization, I must insist that your experience here is up to the same high standard we provide for all guests who pass through our gates. The circumstances of your arrival are hardly of consequence to how you will be treated here!

However, if you are not yet ready to settle in, I am more than happy to take you on a tour of our facility. Many of our visitors find that getting acquainted with our services allows them to ease into their accommodations much more smoothly!

Fantastic! In that case let us proceed!

***

Welcome dear traveler, to the last hotel you will ever need stay in! Our establishment has gone by many names over the years, but rest assured in that time, we have always presided at the forefront of providing the most unforgettable experiences tailor made to every whim of every individual who comes through our doors! We pride ourselves on unwaveringly providing every amenity the human mind can conjure. As a matter of fact, it all begins right here in our lobby!

This floor of the hotel is what I like to call ‘the Museum’. Imagine an entire floor dedicated to a collection of treasures so vast that not even the worldliest nomads could comprehend its scope. Yes, these labyrinthian corridors can be quite daunting at first glance, but don’t let that perturb you. Behind every door of these halls awaits something guaranteed to take your breath away! Will you find an exotic artifact from an ancient empire? The delectable recipe for your favorite childhood dish? Perhaps an experience you cannot explain with words? I honestly wish I could tell you! Every room you find is a window to a whole new world, and with something new to be found around every corner, you may very well lose yourself here! Why just ask the visitors who stop in just to kill some time! Many of them will tell you that they could spend days wandering from room to room in search of a new experience! Well, if you could pull them away long enough to get a word in that is! If you were to ask me to describe it in one sentence, I would say, it is the greatest place to be when you forgot where you had to be!

With that being said, we should keep moving. As tempting as this place is to the wandering eye, there is still so much more to see! Now if I can just remember which of these doors was the right one… ah ha! If you would kindly follow me right this way, we will proceed to our next feature! Tally ho!

***

Our next floor is where you will find our in-house nightclub! Whatever you thought you knew about a night on the town, you best put those notions to rest; this place is now the only party-going experience you will ever think about again! With all the exotic folks you will meet here and the spirit that they’re bringing with them, I would dare you leave here having any less than a night you will never forget! And with doors being open all hours of all days, I can assure you the only thing you will be disturbing on this floor is the peace! And yes, I did say ALL hours! You see we’ve got all manner of lively folk finding their way to our abode literally all the time! The folks who say they will sleep when they’re dead are positively pansy standing next to one of these fine guests! Don’t believe me? Look around! See the way the music moves them! How they move across that floor! Not an inch of ground left uncovered! The only advice for you in this world of wonders is to find something… or someone… who strikes your fancy, and to hold on tight! You will find these fine party-goers will slip right through your fingers if you are not quick enough!

With that being said, we must be carrying on now, darling. We have a great deal of ground to cover before we reach your final destination!

***

You seem to be looking rather weak in the knees! Well I suppose I would be lying if I said the entertainment isn’t infamous for knocking the wind out of your sails! Never mind that though! We are about to visit the floor where you can kick back and satiate some of your more literal appetites!

Next stop on our tour… the dining hall! This wonderland of culinary delights will treat you to the greatest variety of dishes from across the ages, prepped by in house staff with more years in their field than ants fried under a backyard scientist’s magnifying glass! Perhaps my favorite part of our dining hall though is that you can have whatever you want, whenever you want it! And I’m talking about more than just having cake for breakfast! Literally any thing you can imagine, and maybe even a few things you can’t, is here for your consumption! You want some whisky with your eggs? No problem! Looking for a ceremonial smoke to spiritually awaken your love of chicken soup? Be my guest! We’ve got the finest selection of everything from prime rib to cheesecake to satisfy your cravings, and everything from craft beer to opioids for your… other cravings. If you were to ask me where to start in our buffet of wonders, I tell you now my personal favorite is a delightful little Ayahuasca blend we discovered in the backwoods of Peru. If you have a dose of that concoction after its really had time to simmer, then chase it down with some 19th century French absinthe, well, let’s just say you’ll be awakening more than your taste buds in that endeavor!

***

Hm? Sorry darling, I didn’t catch that, what seems to be the trouble? Oh? Why were there tubes being fed down their throats? Ha ha! Oh yes, I’m surprised you noticed that inconspicuous little feature!

You see the guests who sign up for that accommodation also sign up to be looked after in the most intimate, attentive way we can hope to provide! We keep exhaustive records on each and every one of our client’s tastes, desires and preferences so that when they arrive, all they need do is sit back and let us tend to their needs! Ha ha, oh, they may not know it, but we keep a close watch on all our client’s habits and routines before they arrive; it allows us to provide every single guest with their own personalized treatment! You have your own too, custom created for you and you alone! Ah but I shouldn’t be letting on about that, should I? Better not to spoil the surprise! After all, we still have so much more to cover before you need worry about that!

***

On the fourth floor you can help yourselves to our in-house gym! This is the perfect place for any and all to come and… do a little bit of work on themselves if you will! You can’t be the most pristinely sculpted and chiseled version of yourself without putting the work in after all! Have you ever tried to make an omelette without breaking a few eggs? It’s a dreadfully idiotic endeavor! But never fear my dear, this is a judgment free zone! As a matter of fact, we pride ourselves on our haven of physicality being a purely collaborative effort! That’s right no matter what time you come and what routine you are practicing, we ensure that our patrons are buddied up, this way you will always have someone watching over every program you test and every gain you make! Isn’t it wonderful, being able to share your growth with someone? We do everything within our means to push all our patrons in every activity they undertake! And that’s the beauty of our buddy system! Anytime you start getting… accustomed to your routines, your partner in crime will be right there to raise the stakes and push you even harder, just as you will do for them! After all, how does one test new limits, if they can’t surpass old ones? 

Well we best continue! Let our champions continue pursuing the spirit to make them win!

***

Aah this one is my personal favorite. This here is our dedicated sports center! Since there are games in progress, I will have to explain its features to you from the sidelines. It’s a shame the referees aren’t more flexible about visitors because this place is absolutely exhilarating! Our facility is the absolute perfect place for anyone with a bit of a competitive streak to come and blow off some steam, and maybe get in a few digs while they’re at it. And the best part of this place is that it is fully equipped to engage our clients in quite literally, any sport they can imagine! You want hockey, football, boxing? Sure thing! Cross country and gymnastics? Absolutely! We can host everything from martial arts tournaments, to jousting, to even lumberjack tournaments! We even have a fox tossing arena! I mean… how many people can honestly make such a claim! Oh no, don’t worry. We hold ourselves to an incredibly high standard; we would never allow animals of any kind to be harmed in our establishment. We simply substitute other patrons into that role!

What? What do you mean that’s dangerous? Oh, darling you really must take a second look at your surroundings! You’ve really got to live a little when you the opportunity presents itself. Do you see those fine individuals? If they come here seeking action, they commit themselves to it fully. And you will find they are not as perturbed by that thought as you would think. They did sign up for this after all.

Ah, here we are! If you take a look below, you will see my absolute favorite place; the wave pool! You see how much of a crowd this little marvel draws? Trust me it is a much greater sight to see up close! From up here it all looks like a bunch of ants scurrying around not knowing where to … ooh ooh, watch this watch this! The wave is coming! Ha ha! Look at them all go! See how wild they get when that wave starts throwing them around! I have worked for this institution for a very long time, but I never cease to find joy in little moments like that!

***

The next stop in our procession will be the sauna! Can anyone in history have possibly devised a more perfect method of relaxation? It certainly would take a lot to convince myself, never mind the patrons who lounge their days away here! I must say this feature is a standout for the variety you have available. No towel sharing, energy leaching backrooms full of panting dogs in this sauna, no sir! Inside each structure you see are our bath houses, where each tub is flanked by a suite of individual steam rooms along every wall.  I don’t need to tell you the power that a long deep soak in one of these places can do for body and mind. I swear it is practically divine! However, if need be, you can take a break from the deep clean and step outside where you may enjoy one of our fire-pits. While I have no doubt, you can warm your souls here all on your own, we have above what is absolutely the most breathtaking view of the clearest, most star studded night sky you will ever have the pleasure of seeing. This haven is the perfect place for people to forget themselves for a while and enjoy what they have in the moment. Lord knows how much trouble people have with that these days.

***

How much to stop for a soak? Oh no you misunderstand darling; you don’t pay with any sort of currency. You yourself came here with no form of payment, if you remember.

Oh no that’s quite alright! As a matter of fact, no one you see here brings anything of monetary value when they come.

Take a closer look at the fires. Do any familiar looking shapes stand out to you? Perhaps the shape of a hand? Or maybe its attached to an arm You may find that if you look closely, the patrons of the fire-pits are already pondering what the next piece of kindling will be.  

Oh no don’t be concerned for them. The cost may seem too high to pay for such a trivial thing; you may also find that it is of vital importance for these folks. These simple little pits of flame provide our patrons with something they hold very dear; perspective. A little dose of that is a highly sought-after treasure that not everyone can capture. One thing I have come to learn myself, is that one of the greatest lessons you can learn here, is the importance of give and take. Many who spend their time here understand this better than anyone.

***

Coming up is something I guarantee you have no hope of seeing anywhere else. This floor is home to our nature reserve! Yes, you heard me right! We have here our very own plot of conserved land established within the confines of our establishment’s walls! We have gone to great lengths with this exhibition to preserve and maintain everything you see here so our guests have the privilege of experiencing the wild and breathtaking beauty of nature as it was meant to be! My recommendation to get the fullest experience you can here is to go to the creek and then follow it to where the woodland and the prairie biomes meet. You will not only get a full form view of nature along the creek, but you will be greeted with a truly humbling view when you reach the clearing.

With all that said though, I cannot understate how fortunate we are to have the active involvement of our patrons providing all the resources and upkeep needed to ensure the lasting integrity of this preserve. Although it is certainly a learning opportunity for those who involve themselves, it simply wouldn’t be possible for us to maintain this paradise without the time and effort put in by…excuse me sir! Sir! You must not to run on this path, you will startle the… oh look what you’ve done! Yes, now you must run! That's it! Just a little further and you… ooh! Oh my! They are just absolutely ripping him apart! That is positively dreadful! My word, I wish you didn’t have to see that. Unfortunately for some though, that is what happens when you choose to run with the wolves. Nature has a way of sinking its teeth into you.

***

Alright, one more stop before we reach the end of our tour. And if you thought our previous exhibitions were sights to behold, then our theater will be damned sure to take away whatever breath you had left! We put on live shows of the widest scope and scale under every genre you can name! Be it romance, tragedy, comedy, and just a pinch of horror! Certainly not on par with the average playgoer’s sensibilities, but we aim to surprise our guests in ways not even we can think of!

What do I mean by that you ask? Well as you may have seen with our previous exhibitions, many of the activities we put on require patron participation, and here we take it just a tiny step further! Every play that is hosted on our stages is produced, acted and choreographed by the patrons who book their stay on this floor! We even have people specializing in creating sets and props for Pete sake! You see, every patron here has a story to share with the world. Whether they know it or not when they get here, they will find this environment to be perfect for coming into their own! The stories and productions of yesteryear are all well and good as well, and we are more than happy to put on those shows for our patrons as well, perhaps with a twist here or there.

We have come to learn that the greatest method of engaging your audience is to, well, give the shows to your audience! You may find yourself surprised at just what a person can do when they are made to commit to something! To explore those deep, dark recesses of their psyche and pull out something truly… jaw dropping! Still lost for ideas? Never fear! We have just the cure for the wicked mistress known as writer’s block! Every balcony is accompanied with walls worth of bookshelves absolutely packed full of literature! All you need do is ask one of our lovely librarians to throw you a bone. They would sooner kill than see our patrons stuck in a creative rut!

Oh bother! What terrible timing! We will have to leave before the final act of this play is complete! And just as the villain gets their just deserts?! My word, and people don’t understand why I hate cliff-hangers!

***

Alright my dear, just one more floor to go and we will be arriving at your room! Now that you’ve had your grand tour, what are your first impressions?

Oh my, you don’t look well at all! You’re shaking up a storm too, please, tell me what is the matter?

Horrible? Oh nonsense! This place is admittedly a lot to digest but… leave?

I’m afraid our policy is use it or lose in nature! There can be no returns or refunds once you have arrived. I know you are probably not used to our methods of treatment, but trust me when I say, your experience here will be completely unforgettable! And besides, you practically have to sell your soul to get a room like yours!

But then again… you already knew that. Didn’t you?

***

And here we are at last! The suite you have booked is literally an attraction all its own! Welcome, to the penthouse suites! This is where you will learn what it feels like to have the world revolve around you! This is the place where your every possible thing from your most dire needs to your most innocuous thoughts are catered to at the highest levels of services you can possibly imagine! This is also the floor where you will brush elbows with the high and mighty who reside here, at least in theory! You may find them to be… occupied with their own affairs. That being said, you will soon join their ranks and learn for yourself just how captivating this experience will be! This floor, after all, only caters to the most highly sought-after of our clients! And once we get your suite open…

Here we are my dear! Home sweet home! Feel free to look around and get cozy! After the journey you’ve had, you’re going to want to take some time to recharge! Ah admiring the view, are we? The floor to ceiling windows provide quite a unique… what do you mean you don’t see anything? Darkness? Well, the things we see in the world tend to reflect what we see in ourselves.

I only kid! Perhaps you ought to take a closer look.

Aah. Now you see.

The hands. The faces. The voices. Every moment of your life you ever did something wrong. It’s a lot to take in isn’t it? This is your personalized experience. All the information we have gathered on you, all the things you should not have done but did anyway. Its all coming to take a massive bite out of you.

Every horrid decision you have ever made, every life you have ruined in the search of your own selfish glory, has led you to this room here and now. And this is the last stop on the tracks for you my dear. This establishment has gone by many names over the years, but one thing has not changed. We are responsible for providing you and everyone else here the means to think about what they’ve done when the long day is done. The agony you suffer is entirely of your own making. All we do is show you to your suites.

Help you? Pft, just as self important now as you ever were. You spent your whole life helping yourself. What makes you worthy to receive someone’s help now?  I suggest you sit back and take some time to think things over; you’ll find time is the one thing you won’t be short of here.

Well I really must be on my way now! We’ve been receiving so many clients lately and there are so many who still need to be shown the way.

But until I see you again, welcome to Hell! May your time here be well spent.

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