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I love you so much that I'll kill you.


'*The subscriber you are calling is busy at the moment, please try your call again later.*'


This is what I typically hear when you are mad at me, even though I haven't done something wrong. You won't answer my calls, you won't reply to my text messages. Am I nothing to you?

You are mad again. But why? The only thing I did before you yelled at me and cursed me on the phone was to tell you I was disappointed for letting me wait for your call for hours. Was that too much? Don't I have the right to be disappointed?

You know what? I miss you... I really miss you... It's been months since we've seen each other. Before, you would just appear at my front porch with flowers and chocolate boxes in your hands. "I love you so much, I miss you."

I would hear those phrases from you without me even talking first. I was really speechless. We spent the whole day cuddling each other, sharing stories as if it's been centuries since we bonded like that. How I wish I could turn back time and be there with you again.

Do you remember when you get sick? Even though you told me not to come over anymore, I would stubbornly fly my way to you just to take care of you. I know you need me. I know you love to see me take care of you. I would snuggle right next to you after I give you a sponge bath and make you drink your medicine. Do you feel how much I love you?

We made dreams together, you and I, with kids, and grandkids. We dreamed of us together sitting side by side watching the sun set. You and I, with our hair, thin and white, holding hands. How romantic isn't it? But here I am, all alone, waiting for your call... but it never came.

Remember how we fight before? You would always get mad at me, like now. But before, you never rejected my calls. I would hear you cry on the next line. Oh how I hate to hear you cry. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Please don't apologize, it's my fault. And you kept telling me that you are sorry too and you love me so much. Ain't I such a jealous gal? It breaks my heart seeing you talking with other girls. But I try to keep it to myself, because I love you and I trust you.


'*One New Message*'

It's from you.

'*Can I come over right now? I'll be there in an hour.*'

'*Sure thing babe, I'll be waiting. :) I love you!*'


I have to take a shower, I don't want to be all smelly when you arrive. Oh what am I going to wear? Where is my make up? OK OK, relax. I can do this. I'm really excited to see you again. I think you're over with our fight, and you will come to cuddle with me again. Oh I'm so happy! You make me so happy! The clock is ticking, I'm all done. I look in the mirror and I see the girl I made you fell in love with. I can see myself smile. Yet, I can't see what's inside. Why does it hurts? Is something wrong?


Oh you're here! I have to keep myself from running toward the door. OK breathe, breathe. Smile. I open the door. There you are in front of me, but no flowers and no chocolates. But it's okay, I just need you. But why aren't you smiling? Why are you so gloomy? I try to hug you but you just let me hug you for a couple of seconds and you remove my arms that I wrapped around you. Don't you want a hug? I try to kiss you on the lips, yet you look away, making me kiss you on the cheeks. Why are you like this? We are just standing here, in front of my door. Nobody is talking. Then you open your mouth and utter something that is hard for me to understand. You are leaving me? What? You don't love me anymore? After all I've done for you? You are just going to leave me like this? I have so many questions in my head! But I can't speak. My tears are just rolling down my cheeks.

You just stood there, looking down. You don't want to look at me. You don't want to look at me like this. Last request please? Just come in with me here, until I finish crying my heart out. You agree. We sit down on the couch. Please wait for me here. I'm going to fetch us something to drink. I can't stop crying. I walk toward the kitchen.You are still looking down, you still won't look at me. I lean on the kitchen counter, my tears are dropping. I contain myself. I stand up straight and walk toward the fridge. I look at you, still sitting on the couch. Oh how I despise you right now! I want to scream how I hate you right now for hurting me! I look at you and now I see a devil in my living room. Fuck you! I hate you! Why do you have to leave me! Why don't you love me anymore?! Did you find someone new!? Fuck you and your slut! Fuck you!

My heart is racing right now. I want to stop it from hurting me this much! I want to end whatever is hurting me right now. A knife. I see a knife by the sink. My hand. It's reaching for it. I'm not me anymore. I'm not that sweet girl you met before. I slip the knife at the back of my pants. I'm keeping it out of your sight. You won't see it. You won't notice it. I took a glass of water from the fridge. I took a single glass. I pour water in it. I'm going back there, with your last glass of water. You took it, and have a drink. Was it good? Was it refreshing? *Stab him, stab him now!* Something is telling me to stab you. But not yet. You look at me, I'm staring at you. Then you look away again. "I'm sorry. I have to leave now." What? Still with that leaving drama? No. I have to tell you something interesting. Something very very interesting. My sanity just left me. I'm smiling now, can you see? Why do you look at me dreadfully? Do I look ugly? I thought you loved my smile. I smile some more. You look scared? Do I look scary to you huh? Do I? Do I?! I'm not speaking but my head is screaming right now. *KILL HIM!* I took the knife from my back. It hurts. Blood trickle down my back. I don't care. It feels good. I love pain now. You made me love pain. You look more scared now. Why? Because of this knife? Well you should be. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU SO BAD I WANT TO KILL YOU! You froze right there, you thought I couldn't do it? Sorry but you are wrong. I stab you on the leg, you won't be able to run. You crawled all the way to the corner. I'm coming to get you baby...

Why are you whimpering? Are you scared? I can see tears from your eyes. Your eyes... remember how I told you that I love your eyes? Oh how I really love them! I don't want those eyes looking at other girls OK? Let me carve on them with this knife so others will know that your eyes have been marked. Slowly... there. Does it hurt? Let me kiss them. Mmmmm... Blood. Oh don't cry. Look, your tears are red. Let me wipe them dry. I can feel your heart baby. It's beating really fast. Are you excited? Me too! Can you tell with this grin on my face? Your heart is really beating loud. But is it really beating for me? I think I should take a look. Just a little cut above your right nipple. Oops! I think I made it longer. Well at least I can pull your skin with my hands. Don't scream baby, I'll just have a look at your heart. I'm pulling your skin up, just a little more. I can see it... There! Your heart! Oh it's so cute! I can feel it! And it's beating for me. Oh I love you so much! Let me just take off this skin from your chest so I can always see your heart. Don't worry it won't hurt that much. There, easy as apple pie. Oh you're asleep. You're so cute when you are sleeping. Can I cuddle with you? Is that a yes? I love you so much baby!

I love you baby, thank you for coming here. Oh so you are staying here? Let me remove your shirt. It's full of blood. Do you want something to drink? Do you want a kiss? Here, let me kiss you. Let me cuddle you. I love you so much... Don't leave me ever again.