I remember seeing it in the snow. I’ve been saying this for 32 years now - saying it to friends, family, the people I trust. When I was 16, I visited my friend Eric and his family over winter break, and the only thing I could remember was seeing something in the snow. I would try to remember anything else about the trip - what we did; what we talked about; did we watch something; anything - but I couldn't. I asked Eric if he remembered anything from that week, and he couldn’t either - only that I was visiting for winter vacation. He used to be my neighbor when I lived in Saranac Lake, but he moved away to Plattsburgh in 1990, which was the year I visited. Or so I thought. When I mentioned this to Eric, he told me his family never moved to Plattsburgh - they moved to Watertown. It didn’t make sense. I always remembered it being Plattsburgh. I used to make fun of his school football team, calling them the Plattsburgh Platypuses.
Then I remembered the blizzard. It hit the night I came out to visit, and knocked out the power. Eric, again, told me that never happened. Even his parents, Howard and Sherry McMillan, disagreed with me, but I remember the snow and wind so clearly. I asked them if they remembered anything from that week, and they hesitantly answered no. They were worried - Eric was freaking out too. The whole week was a blank spot in our memories, and we couldn't remember a thing. It was as if it was erased from our minds. Pretty soon, all I knew for an absolute certainty was that something was outside in the snow… standing there… watching us with red, glowing eyes. We all knew something weird was happening. It took years, but things were coming back to me - people… places.
I remembered the neighbors; the Holts, who would always ask us to help them carry in firewood, but Eric’s parents insisted they never knew any Holts. How could they forget them? Mike Holt was a retired deputy; he was enormous. He was always out in his garden tending to his vegetables. And then I remembered the Marlings… and Nick Marling… Eric’s friend who was supposed to go ice fishing with us that week. He was his best friend up there. Eric swore he never had a friend named Nick. I couldn’t believe it; I was almost positive I knew him. He was obsessed with his Nintendo - had braces and was taller than us. And then there was the snow. Something about it felt off. Ever since that week, seeing snow made me very paranoid, but I didn't know why. Then I remembered something that almost made me cry.
Jake - Eric’s baby nephew. I kept crying and crying for no reason the more I thought of him - something horrible must've happened to him. Max, Eric’s older brother, came up from Pennsylvania for Christmas with his wife Rebecca, and they brought their son Jake to see his grandparents for the first time. I vividly remember him. He had these green eyes that looked like Jolly Ranchers. Howard said he had his grandfather’s smile. I mentioned him to everyone because I was freaking myself out - how did we all forget about Max and Rebecca’s kid! Then Max called… he told me they never had a kid… that Rebecca was infertile. I felt paranoid again. Eric told me to see someone, so I did, and my counselor wanted me to write down everything I could remember before I forgot. That’s what this is, I guess: a memory log. Something bad happened in the winter of 1992, and now I’m going to try and remember as much as I can.
The house I remember going to that week - Eric's new home - was large and one story. The property was even larger. Eric’s aunt, Madeline, lived in the guest house next door. Madeline was Sherry’s sister - her husband passed away in 1991. I remember her house as clear as day. It was bright red; had two stories; an ornate, white balcony, and a bunch of firewood out back. Eric’s parents had a pond in the backyard - one with a red bridge over it, and a thin sliver of forest separated their property from the Marlings’. In the day, I remember just barely seeing the Marling house through the trees. Since the McMillans were the first on the block, their only neighbors were the Holts, Mike, and… I think Lucille? I can’t remember any other neighbors, but there had to be more, right? It was a subdivision - there were, like, seven other homes. I just don’t remember them. It’s so weird. How can I forget what houses look like? Honestly, I can’t remember anything beyond the Holts’ and the Marlings’ houses. It’s like everything around us was just snow and fog. Like nothing else existed in the world.
I don't remember the drive itself, but it was the last trip my dad and I took before his fatal heart attack. As soon as I arrived, we all ate and caught up with each other. Howard kept telling us he was planning on selling his architecture firm, and Max was going on about the pipe fitters union. I asked Sherry if she could help land me a job as an assistant photographer for the paper she wrote for, and Eric… He was playing with Jake. They were playing by the window. I remember that so clearly. Jake kept wanting to watch the snow fall; he was obsessed with it. It wasn’t like he was happy or excited or even scared - he was just obsessively and blankly watching it. Thinking about that night… I remember seeing the Marlings’ house across the pond - a string of orange glowing lights flickering through the trees. The more I try to remember it - the shape, the windows, the color - the more anxious and nervous I get. I don’t know why. Something about those lights. They had to stay on… For whatever reason, they had to stay on. I remember Howard saying, if the lights are on, the Marlings are okay, but if they ever go out, then we’re all in real trouble.
I think we were in the middle of watching a movie when the blizzard knocked the power out. Everything just went dark. Yes, now I remember! Normally you could see the city lights from Plattsburgh - this fiery glow way off in the distance and on the other side of the forest. It always looked like a big bonfire - the orange lights bouncing off the clouds. I remember that now! The city lights always left this weird, menacing impression on me - something red and sinister in the middle of nowhere - something terrible lurking beyond the trees. But that night, Plattsburgh was dark, and then Howard said something that irked me: “Storm’s knocked out the power all the way out to Plattsburgh. Jesus, you can’t even see it anymore. It’s just gone.”
The whole area went dark; probably for miles. And the snow just kept falling and falling. I don’t even remember any wind. We probably took out all the blankets, and candles, and flashlights for the night. Eric and I were bunked out on the couch watching the snow. He told me he remembered having a conversation with me - that I was sad about going to a different school than him. I could believe that. But that night, before I drifted off, I remember seeing it in the snow. It was across the pond, staring at me. Four legs; weird head, and pale red eyes. I asked Eric if he remembered seeing anything that night, and he didn't. It was just me.
****
All I can remember about the next day was the snow - it just kept falling and falling, and everything was so white. It scares me - why can’t I remember the day? It’s just the snow; over and over and… Jake! Jake was watching the snow. The more I think about him, the better I can remember. Something about the snow. There was something wrong with it. I think Jake knew it. He was crying… he didn’t want to go outside. Max and Rebecca wanted to play with him, but he was crying and kicking and screaming. He was afraid of the snow. That’s right; he had to stay inside with us. When Eric was getting ready to go down to the pond to fetch water for the toilets, Jake was crying and saying, “Don’t go!” He said something else, but I can’t remember. Jake spent most of the day staring out the window - kept pointing at something. “There! There!” He kept saying that. I wonder if he saw it too…
The rest of the day is just a blank fog. Howard has a burner kit, so I figure we probably used it. Max loves board games, so I assume we probably played a few. Eric doesn’t remember much of anything that day, but he does remember finding me in the bedroom. I was sad. Apparently, I didn’t want to leave. I suppose that makes sense. Once Eric moved away, I was virtually alone at school. He was my best friend, and I barely saw him anymore. He told me I was crying when he found me. It’s strange that he remembers that, and I don’t. I remember the bedroom, though. It was in the basement. Howard furnished it when they moved in. Sherry had a copy of The Dark Half down there. And the basement door locked, I think, from the other side. But I remember that night, though. It’s the craziest thing, but I suddenly remember a lot.
I was with Jake, and we were playing by the window. He said, “Look,” and when I looked up, I saw these weird blue lights flashing on the horizon. They were coming from town. “No, not that," Jake whispered. He was looking up at the roof… at the skylight. Something was moving up there. It was right over us. We all heard it. I remember Eric saying that he saw something crawling up there. I think we all just thought it was an animal or the ice scraping. Eric and I grabbed this old lantern we found, and ran outside to see if we could spot it. Those weird blue lights were still flashing on the horizon. We ran out past the deck and aimed the flashlight at the roof, and out of the corner of my eye, I swear to god, I saw something run. Eric, of course, doesn’t remember a thing, but I swear I saw something up there. I kept asking, “Did you see it? Did you see it?” Then, as Eric looked around us, he let out a shocked, “Woah!”
Everything looked like glass - the trees, the deck, the bridge, the bushes - it all looked like it was made of glass. The snow had been melting all afternoon, I think, and at night, when the temperatures dropped, all that melted snow turned to ice. It produced this gorgeously haunting effect - these big mounds of sparkling white powder wrapped in a thin sheet of glassy ice. It was so beautiful. We walked around the house for a bit. It was so quiet and ominous. The flashlight could only reach so far; the darkness was too thick. The light would hit a bush and shimmer off the ice, and it seemed like it was the only thing in the darkness with us. The branches dangled and chimed like a delicate crystal chandelier. Eric vaguely remembers this too. We came up on the big maple tree next to the pond, peering our flashlights up its seemingly endless trunk, and watching it sway and creak and moan from all that ice weight. Then I saw the Marlings’ house. The lights were still on.
Then, from the corner of my eye, a flash, and suddenly this screaming… or was it a howling? No, it was hissing! Eric and I quickly turned around and saw the transformer next to Aunt Madeline’s house was sparking! The ice must’ve shorted the fuses. Howard told us that’s probably what the flashes were from town. He lamented, “We probably won’t be getting power for a days now.” I asked about the scraping sound on the roof. He shrugged, “Probably the ice sliding.” Eric wanted to visit Nick that night to see how he was holding up. I don’t think we did. I remember not liking Nick all that much.
The next day, we found out the power lines were down, and I think Eric and I wanted to see them because I distinctly remember wading through the snow that morning. And the snow… there was more of it. That’s right. Sherry wanted to bring Jake outside again, but he kept crying and crying. He was by the window. I had a cup of coffee, I think. The McMillans had a piano in the front room that overlooked the backyard - I used to tease Eric about how he could never play it. Jake was right next to it. Rebecca was playing blocks with him. I walked over and sat on the piano stool, and asked Jake why he was afraid of the snow. He told me, “Bad head.” I didn’t know what he meant - I still don’t - but I remember feeling very uncomfortable. Now that I think about it, I’m willing to bet I was the one who wanted to see those power lines… to see if I could find it.
Sherry vaguely remembers her sister Madeline coming over, so maybe she told us about the power lines. She must’ve stopped by right after I talked to Jake. The snow trucks hadn’t come yet; we were trekking through waist-high snow. I don’t remember seeing anything. And I don’t just mean the thing in the snow, I mean nothing. I don’t remember seeing any other houses, or street signs, or cars, or… people. Just white snow… Like we were trapped in a snow globe. We must’ve seen the power lines because the image of those tangled, black wires is seared into my memory. I must've panicked when I saw them. As if the normal outside world was suddenly ripped away from me.
I don’t know what we did for the rest of the day. I asked Eric, and he told me I was obsessed with the trees, and his parents said I was getting all bent out of shape when Max went down to the pond to fill up the water buckets. Howard said I was yelling… Yelling? I talked to Max and he’s at a loss for words too. Actually, Wait… I remember something now. The raven… The raven I saw in the tree. It was watching us. Maybe that’s what I was yelling about. I brought it up with everyone, and it was Rebecca who remembered what happened. Eric and I were arguing about school; Max was getting ready to go outside, and suddenly I started yelling about the raven. I was pleading, “It looks like a raven, but it isn’t.” Now I remember… Jake pointed it out to me. He called it a bad bird. I was very vocal about it, but nobody else could see it. Then Rebecca said she did see something. We all did.
We saw deer, raccoons, rabbits, other birds, foxes, coyotes, and wolves… they were all running out of the forest in one big stampede. They were scared; they were running from something. Howard asked, “What in the hell has them so spooked?” And then Sherry said, “Something awful ‘cause even the bears are running.” I still can’t believe it. How could we all forget something so surreal like that? And what the hell made them so scared in the first place? What was out there? Pieces are starting to come back to me. This was the first time I saw Eric actually scared of something. He backed up from the window. And Jake… he kept saying, “Bad bird. Bad bird.” We both saw it perched up on that big maple tree looking right at us.
I think I was in the basement for most of the afternoon because all that came to mind was that stupid book. That night, Eric and I were talking - maybe arguing. He mentioned Nick, and I remember going to the window to look at their house - to see their lights. It was the only house with power, and then, in a blink, the lights went out. It was like someone blew out a candle. The Marlings’ house was there one second, and suddenly it was gone. I feel so much dread writing about it. The lights could never go out, but why? Something to do with the generator? Then Max yelled, “Something’s crawling outside their house!” We all rushed to try and see it. It was Hank Marling - Howard saw him with his binoculars. He was trying to fix the generator. Right. The beam from his flashlight was swinging through the trees like a big searchlight. Everything felt wrong. Jake sensed it too. The last thing I can remember from that night was Jake saying, “No more.”
I don’t think I slept well that night; lots of anxiety, panic, nerves. I had a nightmare, but I don't remember what it was about. No, wait… I do remember the howl - a deep, guttural, almost preternatural roar - unlike anything I had ever heard. How do I describe it? It sounded monstrous; reptilian; wounded; sad; and trailed off into a sharp hiss. God, it was awful. It startled me awake. I'm trying to think - all I can see is the snow, and the red eyes lingering over it in the dark. It was watching me sleep. It was the raven… I think it was in my nightmare. It roared at me. And then its eyes went red.
****
Large chunks of the next day are missing from my memory. It had been days since the blizzard knocked the power out. We all remember doing something different: cooking on the burner, crossword puzzles, board games, reading - Eric remembers visiting Aunt Madeline to see if she was holding up okay. Howard might’ve been shoveling the driveway. Everything just seemed like it was normal. Or maybe at the time - like I am right now - I was just trying to convince myself everything was normal. Maybe, deep down, I felt like I’d never see anyone again… that this would be the last day I would see Eric. It’s a silly thought, and I’m trying to give my past self the benefit of the doubt, but maybe I was pretending like we were back in Saranac Lake… when all of us were happier. Now, two things just came to mind: City Water and Power came out to check on us, and Eric and I helped Mr. Holt with his firewood.
First, Plattsburgh Water and Power came out to check on us. I think. The guy driving the van was named… Brian. Big puffy smile. He checked our breaker, and walked down to the power lines. Told us something unusual… What was it? The lines all over the city were just like the ones next to us. He wasn’t smiling anymore; he just looked scared. He said something that made Eric and I very nervous, or maybe it was just me. God, what was it? Brian looked at the lines for a bit, and then he quickly rushed to his van. He was masking his emotions. I remember now. He said something had chewed through the lines. It irked him because it was the same bite marks all over the city. After inspecting so many chewed power lines, he expected to find an animal body sooner or later, but he never did. Whatever it was that bit those lines, he told us, it never once died from the electrical surge. Then, before he drove off, he admitted to himself out loud, “It was coordinated.” I just tried looking him up online. Plattsburgh is not serviced by local water and power, but by New York State Electric and Gas. But that’s not what his van said… Now I wonder who the hell he was…
The rest of the afternoon we were helping Mr. Holt bring firewood into his garage - that’s why I remember him so clearly. He had a shed in the backyard, and his house was between us and the Marlings. Every time we went down to grab wood, Eric and I had our eyes fixed on the Marlings’ house. It was dark and quiet, like a grim shadow that stood over us. No signs of life. Nothing. I might’ve asked Mr. Holt about Brian because he told us that the unusual disruption of power, and, quote, bizarre sightings were due to a leak of sour gas. I just now realized… He saw it. The thing in the snow… He had to have seen it, right? Why else would he mention bizarre sightings? And sour gas… I had to look it up. Sour gas is hydrogen sulfide. It could cause hallucinations and memory loss, but I don’t buy that. It’s too convenient. None of us remember smelling rotting eggs, and I bet at the time, I wasn’t buying it either. If… if that’s what Brian told him - Brian who works for a company that doesn’t exist - then… Were we involved in a cover-up? Is that what this is? I’m trying to keep a level head right now. Things are coming back to me now. Jesus, maybe it’s true. And I know it has something to do with that thing I kept seeing.
I still can’t believe no one seems to remember Mr. Holt. I remember him, now, as clear as day. He was taller than Howard - stubble, thick neck, serious eyes. Kept his lawn very manicured. He had a loaded shotgun somewhere in his house. Sherry would make lemon cake for him and his wife, Lucille. She was a sweet lady, from what little I remember. She knitted a lot. Wait… She knitted us mittens once for Christmas. I found them… 'Made with love by Lucille Holt.' And then her address on the name tag. I Googled it - street view. Oh god, it’s the exact same subdivision I remember… Jesus… It’s just the way I remember it. Exactly where it should be in Plattsburgh. The McMillans' house with the guest house next to the telephone pole; the Holts' house; and across the backyard, perched up on the little hill… the Marlings’ house. My god… it was like staring at a ghost. I have to tell Eric. He found his mittens too. Name and everything. So did Max and Rebecca! They all have mittens from her! The Holts were real… I was right… Mike and Lucille Holt were Eric’s neighbors! Jesus, what happened to them? Why did we forget them? Where are they? Right now we’re all very worried, and I’m almost positive our memory loss is intentional.
I have to try and keep remembering. It’s all coming back to me now. I’m shaking. In the morning, on the next day, I remember sitting next to Jake by the window, but I don't know if I talked to him or not. He was saying “Bad head” over and over, and pointing at the Marlings’ house. Then, in the afternoon, I remember arguing with Eric about Nick. He wanted to go over there and check on him, and I thought it was a dangerous idea. We were arguing a lot. Eric was about to open the patio door when, out of nowhere, Nick lunged in at us. He was scared - wild and terrified. I remember his eyes. He was yelling, “Get inside! Get inside!” He pushed us back into the living room, and quickly locked the door. I saw he had a knife in his hand. We were all frantically asking what was happening, but Nick was too busy rushing to each window like he was being followed.
Once Nick caught his breath, he explained what happened. Their generator broke, and when Hank went outside to check on it, he found the gas tank had been squeezed. His mom, Linda Marling, went outside to help him fix it. He said that was the last time he’d seen them; that they never came back inside. They were missing for a whole day. At first, he thought maybe they went for help, and Sherry asked him, “Help for what?” Nick didn’t respond, but his eyes told me he had seen it. I must’ve asked about the raven because I distinctly remember him saying, “It doesn’t look like a normal raven.” We argued for a bit, and finally, Howard decided to take the three of us up to the Marlings’ house.
I didn’t go inside with them; I patrolled the backyard. I think a part of me wanted to see it. Whatever it was, I just had to see it. I remember pacing back and forth on the Marlings' deck. Everything was so unnaturally still - no wind, no birds, no ice. I was by their grill when - the generator… I saw their generator! It was a beast; huge auxiliary gas tank; some ungodly voltage. That’s what everyone meant! The Marlings had the best generator on the block. I just misremembered… It’s not that it could never go out, it’s that it could only go out if something intentionally disrupted it, and something did. I remember seeing it crunched up like a wad of paper. Just like it had been squeezed. But that wasn’t what I remembered first - I was by their grill, I saw their generator, and then I heard something walking in the snow. First, I heard it to my right; then to my left. The snow was very crunchy. Every time my eyes darted to find whatever made that sound, it managed to slip away before I could see it. I slowly stepped off the deck and around the house - my heart was racing. And that’s when I heard it climbing on the roof.
I tried my best to keep calm and not flinch. I backed up against the wall, resisting the urge to look up. It was right over me. If it weren’t for the crunchy snow, I never would’ve known it was up there. It didn’t make a sound otherwise. Then, from the top peripheral of my eyes, long human fingers were slithering over the gutter. I bolted off the wall and looked up at the roof, and I swear - I swear to god it almost looked human. Large and gangly; spread out like a spider. But it fled before I could truly see it. Suddenly, Eric and the others stormed out of the garage. Howard was yelling, “We need to get back to the house now!” He and Nick were arguing - practically shouting at each other. Eric grabbed my arm and said, they saw giant claw marks all over the house. Howard said, “A wild bear is on the loose!” The last thing I saw before running back to the house was the garage door wide open. That image is so clear to me… because I think I remember seeing the shadow of it moving on the wall.
When we got back to the house, everything was chaos. Lots of fear, lots of paranoia, lots of arguing and blaming. Jake was crying; Sherry and Rebecca took him to the bedroom. It was all mostly a blur. Once everyone settled down, Eric and Nick were by the window, and I think Eric resented me for something. I think everyone resented me… except Nick. At some point, I might’ve mentioned the raven again - I don't know. I just remember Nick suddenly being very anxious and determined. He was going to leave us… I don't know where or why, but it looked like he was ready to fight it. We begged him to stay, but he wanted to find his parents, and maybe send help. The last thing he said before he left was, “Stay inside and lock the doors.”
Eric was mad at me for the rest of the day, but I don’t know why. He doesn’t remember anymore either. But when I asked Max, he told me he vaguely recalls Eric shouting, “You’re lying to him!” I don’t understand what he meant by that. Who was I lying to? And about what? Maybe he means the raven? No, I remember now. Eric didn’t believe me when I told him what I saw on the Marlings’ roof. He thought I was crazy; kept telling me to back off. He resented me for lying to him about it when I wasn’t. Then when Nick left, he blamed me for it. He was so angry with me - how could I forget that? I spent the night alone in the basement again, staring at that book.
****
It took months for me to remember what happened the next day - trying to piece everything together from frayed memories. The power had been out for five days at that point. No word from Nick. At first, I vaguely remembered sprinting through a house - Eric was chasing me with a gun… But the more I thought about it, the more I realized we were running from something. Now I have a good idea of what happened that day. The first thing I saw when I woke up was that Stephen King book. My anchor point. Upstairs, Eric was flustered. Something about the Holts' house. Eric saw something. I heard Jake talking over everyone. We all rushed down the hall, and through the bedroom window, we saw that something had ripped the Holts’ garage door off its hinges. A bear could never do that. It was enough for Eric to grab me, and demand, “I need you to tell me about the raven!” “It doesn’t look like a normal raven,” I said. Then Jake whispered, “Bad head.” I think Eric saw something in the Holts’ garage that day. After that, everything changed.
Next, I remember mittens. No, gloves - I had my gloves on. So did Eric and Max. We were going next door to check on the Holts. Jake was crying; he didn’t want Max to leave. “Bad head! Bad head!” I think Eric was piecing things together. He started to believe me. “Something is out there,” he said to us. He saw something; I know he did. His eyes were dilated with fear. We then quickly sprinted across the yard to the Holts’ garage. Max was calling out their names. Both doors - the side door and the door to the laundry room inside - were torn off their hinges. We never heard a thing last night, at least not that I remember. The door knobs were squeezed as if they were made of foil. Oh, god, it’s all hitting me at once. I feel sick. Everything is so vivid now. Eric immediately darted inside, calling out to the Holts, but they were gone.
At first, we thought they were burglarized. Or I assume that’s what we thought. I remember seeing their stuff thrown everywhere - the couch was flipped over; bookshelves ruined; broken glass all over the floors; tables and chairs scattered across the living room; food all over the kitchen. They must’ve been eating dinner when it happened. Eric was looking for them. Max and I were wandering around trying to figure things out. Max was the first to feel like something was off. I was thinking about it too. The dining room table was thrown into the living room… the chandelier was ripped out of the ceiling… gunshots in the walls… pillows shredded… the carpet had big scratch marks on it. My hands are shaking right now.
Suddenly, I remember hearing Eric screaming. He was then running down the hall with Mike’s shotgun. “It’s here! It’s here! Go! Go! Run back to the house!” He was screaming like he was being murdered. I always thought he was chasing me - jumping over chairs with that gun - but he wasn’t. He was running from it. I remember seeing its shapeless silhouette on the wall. It was moving. Then that awful howl - that howl. It felt like the sky exploded. We scrambled outside. I looked back - its hand slithered atop the roof. We all saw it. They finally knew… they fucking saw it! We barged back into the house - more chaos, more yelling! We didn’t have time to explain. Max and I were locking windows and shutting blinds. Eric finally said it: “It’s not a bear! It’s almost human.” Jake screamed. The skylight; it was the skylight! We heard it crawling on our roof!
Aunt Madeline! Jesus, I forgot about her! “Get in the basement and find weapons!” Someone yelled that. Maybe Max. Eric and I were sprinting to the guest house; she had fallen asleep on her couch. There was no time to explain. We ordered her to get dressed, but as soon as we were about to leave - the raven - perched up on the tree between the houses. Eric was motionless. I remember seeing his hands tremble. He wouldn’t move. “Red eyes… it has red eyes doesn’t it?” he asked me. I nodded. “I see it now,” he whispered.
I never asked Eric if he remembered any of this. Never asked anyone. Never even told my therapist. Writing it down here is the first time I came to grips with everything. Even now, with all these stark and vivid memories, I can’t help but question if I’m remembering things correctly. Did all of this really happen, or am I having some kind of episode? It’s the first time I’ve been having doubts. I know something weird happened, no doubt, but the raven - the shadow - the thing on the roof - that’s too much of a stretch, right? Reading back on what I wrote so far… Everyone's memories seem rational. Nobody has outright mentioned the raven, or Jake, or anything unusual. Except me. But it also occurs to me, that I’ve never asked Aunt Madeline what she remembers.
She remembers a lot. The night Eric and I ran over - she remembers being told to stay away from the window - that Eric and I talked about the snow. I guess she thought we were trying to protect her from a storm. She never mentioned that Eric was holding a gun, but she did tell me, “The two of you looked so scared.” I pressed her on it. She remembered Eric was telling me he saw something - "like a spider" - bunched up in the corner of the neighbor's bedroom. It lunged out and tried to bite him… Then she told me, “I remember the raven. It was watching us the whole night.” For the first time, I got very emotional. I asked her to describe it, and she said, “It had a funny-looking head.” I almost cried. My legs went limp, my stomach sank - I didn’t feel so alone anymore. But I can’t dwell on my feelings right now. I need to get all of this down quickly. Aunt Madeline told me that the next day we were all startled awake by a howl. She called it a “banshee howl.” I don’t remember that. I need a walk - a shower - something to help me meditate.
****
It’s coming back to me. I remember a little bit now. The sound. That horrible sound on the TV. And the wolf - no, it was all the animals… but first we saw the wolf. We all woke up from that howl. We were about to leave for the other house. I couldn't find my boots, and Aunt Madeline didn’t know what was happening. Eric was waving to Max across the driveways. We grabbed her things and left, but when we stepped outside into that unnaturally still landscape, we saw it… a big, grey wolf… standing there at the edge of the driveway… staring at us with burning red eyes. It wasn’t trying to hurt us; not yet at least. Maybe it was trying to keep us from running - wanted us all in one spot. I glared at it the whole time we walked over. It was so still, like a statue. It never blinked; ears never moved; never flinched; just very quiet and still. And its head… something about its head. Bad head.
When we got inside, it felt like a family reunion. Or at least that’s how I remember it. For a brief moment, we probably could’ve convinced ourselves that everything was normal. Everyone was smiling; I was smiling. We were all just so happy to see each other, I think. It felt like when Eric and I were kids again - that warm, reassuring feeling when the door to your friend’s house opens, and it's like a holiday or a birthday, and you know the day is going to be perfect because you get to spend it with all your friends and family. Sitting by the TV; playing games; feeling like everything will be alright. Seeing your friend smile, knowing you’ll always stick together. That’s how it felt. Levity; calmness; security. And then it shattered.
Something was banging wildly on the deck door. God, that deep hollow sound… We all ran to the living room. We couldn't believe it. It was Nick! He was on the verge of tears - whimpering something. There was ice all over his face; he looked sullen and weak; eyes bloodshot and fatigued. Eric and Max practically dragged him inside. We were all asking questions. Finally, Nick spoke: “Everyone is gone.” Those were his words exactly. They feel like needles in my mind. The way he said it - almost like he had given up. I don’t know what he meant by it - if he meant the other neighbors; his parents; or the whole town - I don’t know. I wish I did… There’s a part of me that believes he meant everyone. Like we were the only ones left in the world.
Everyone was arguing again. And then it happened. The TV just flipped on - this horrible screeching alert blaring at us. The screen was blue, and it lit up the whole house. There was weird white and red text. It was the emergency alert system - it said something… what did it say? Something about the snow. Or was it the weather? The power came on, but only for the TV. How? Why? It wanted us to stay inside, but why? The red text… our names - our full names - were in red text… The EBS wasn’t for the county or the town… it was only for us. Now I remember what it said - what the voice on the TV told us - “Do not engage them. They are not animals.” We were all so scared. Jake was trying to say something - what was it? “Bedroom.” Oh, god, the window in the bedroom broke… It was in the house. I remember we were all staring at the bedroom hallway. Its shadow was moving along the wall. It was getting closer. Then someone shouted, “We have to leave now!”
We all stormed out of the house as fast as we could. We didn’t even grab our coats. Eric still had the gun. Where were we going? What the hell did we think we were doing? The road! I remember the road that stretched into town. That’s right, we were trying to get to the city! I remember struggling through the snow - it was so thick and high. The wind was blowing hard - snow everywhere. And then we saw the van… Brian’s van… Oh, god, I remember. Sherry was screaming. The van door was torn open. Brian was crumpled in the corner of the cab. Half of him was missing. Face, stomach, chest; all scooped out. Everyone was shouting and arguing and crying. Then Jake said something…
He pointed his fingers at the clearing. "Bad head," he said quietly. Then… we all saw it… Maybe it’s my foggy memory, or perhaps it was the snowy wind that day, but I can barely remember how it looked. It was human… but its head… its head was stretched out like an oval, and lumpy… a bad head. And then it changed. It hunched over and fell to its knees and hands. When it emerged from the snowy gales, it was a wolf… and it had those awful red eyes. I remember that moment, now, clear as day. The wind was so fierce; the snow made everything look solid white. And Nick… I think I know what happened to him. "Get to the police! Call for help!" he yelled. Eric was holding him back. Nick pulled out his knife and nipped Eric’s wrist. He let him go… and just like that, Nick charged into the snow, ready to kill it. Maybe he said something else but I can’t remember anymore. That was the last we saw him.
I haven’t breathed a word about this to anyone. Mostly because I’m not even sure if it’s real. I’m still afraid I might be losing it. How can I even prove any of this? What’s the first step? Are the mittens enough? How do you come to terms with something like this? Maybe pieces of things here and there are real - the snow, the raven, Nick, the TV - and the rest is like a nightmare my brain invented to help me cope with something horrific. I found clever ways to ask everyone if they remembered anything unusual. I asked if anyone remembered leaving the house; if they remembered a weather alert - so far nothing. But then I asked my mom. She wasn’t even there, yet she remembered something very important: she picked me up from the hospital…. Aunt Madeline apparently suffered a minor stroke at the neighbor’s house. She was taken to Samaritan Hospital in Watertown. I asked my mom if she knew whether or not they flew her in from somewhere, and she told me, “Eric moved to Watertown; why would they fly her in?” I felt my stomach turn. Whoever picked Aunt Madeline up, they deliberately took her to Watertown to perpetuate the lie that Eric and his family moved to Watertown instead of Plattsburgh. But why? I think I need to call the hospital.
****
I feel so anxious right now. My head is swirling. I called the hospital, and a nurse picked up. They don’t keep records past 10 years, but I mentioned the name Madeline Hervey, and there was a long pause before the nurse said, “This is odd…” She sounded uncomfortable. Then she put me on a 20-minute hold. When the line picked back up, it wasn’t the nurse… It was that same electronic voice that spoke to us on the TV. I almost dropped the phone. It said, “Enter passcode.” I immediately hung up. After about 10 minutes of catching my breath, I called back, but the line disconnected. I called Aunt Madeline and asked who her insurance provider was - Blue Cross - and I inquired about the EMT report. I don’t think I’m crazy anymore - I can’t be… The report said that she was found unconscious, outside, on her way to check the generator. The generator! That would mean, in our state of panic, we all ran to Nick’s house… He was the only one on the block who had his generator outside. I’m trying to think… I thought we were running to town. Why did we go to Nick’s? Eric was pretty shaken up when I told him about Aunt Madeline’s stroke. He doesn’t remember any of it. I guess he’s talking to his family about it. Maybe I need to think through everything myself. I’m still shaking - that voice. I hate to slip down the conspiracy slope, but… maybe I’m in one.
I remember now. I kept thinking about the snow, and how unnatural it seemed. The texture; the brightness; it felt so weird… like it wasn’t really snow, but this substance. Then I remembered - things behaved differently in the snow. We were running into town; we lost sight of the road. It just disappeared. We kept running in a straight line, hoping we’d hit town eventually. But we didn’t. We hit Nick’s house instead. I don’t understand how that’s possible; the road into town extended in the opposite direction of Nick’s house. It’s almost like we never left the backyard. We were trapped in a loop of white emptiness. I remember trees - we were running through trees. It was chasing us! I saw glimpses of it - this dark, shapeless thing bolting through the woods, not making a sound. The gun! Eric tried to shoot it! We all ran inside - “Basement! Basement!” Max was yelling. But I don’t remember what happened after that. Wait… I do remember one thing from that night: I was in the corner of the basement next to the boiler - next to the board game shelf - Mouse Trap. I was crying. Eric was yelling at me. Why was he yelling at me? Something doesn’t add up.
****
Everything is falling apart; I need to write this down. I don’t know what to believe anymore - I’m at my wit's end. Eric called me a few minutes ago - yelling at me - threatening to press charges! He told me never to talk to him or his family again… I asked why. I was so scared and confused. I didn’t know what was happening! He was talking to other people in his family about Aunt Madeline’s stroke, and one of them was shocked that he was still talking to me after I “went crazy”… I didn’t know what the hell they were talking about, but Eric - he finally remembered that week.
He told me that my dad drove me up there because I was having some kind of mental break, and his parents agreed to have me over for the winter holiday. I told him this sounded just as crazy, but he doubled down. He said that our arguments were always about him - that I apparently blamed him for moving away; for leaving me alone at school; for making new friends. He said I would have these episodes - these emotional fits - so erratic that Howard would order me to wait it out in the basement? “You told me all you remembered was that book,” Eric explained. “It’s because I would walk down there and find you staring at the bookshelf for hours.” I tried pleading with him, but he didn’t want to listen to me anymore. He said I was getting obsessive. Kept asking - demanding the names of all of his friends - calling Sherry and Howard my mom and dad. That I threatened to ruin his life? I tried telling him that I would never dream of doing that! And then he finally mentioned the thing in the snow.
Folie a deux. He said I was starting to see things - catastrophizing the blizzard - explaining it as some kind of celestial event - making up anything I could to keep from leaving. On the seventh day, everyone was so scared and uncomfortable with me; they moved to the neighbor's house… and that Aunt Madeline, who he accused me of trying to kidnap, had a stroke. He called me a liar… Said I was making up everything. He told me that Nick was just some figment of my imagination to project my feelings on. He said I emotionally abused his sister-in-law by making up the story about a kid she never had, knowing full well she was infertile, and had a miscarriage. The last thing I said before he hung up was that my breakdowns, if they were true, still don’t explain why none of us can remember anything from that week… or why we have mittens from a woman I was apparently making up.
Eric hasn’t talked to me since that phone call, and honestly, I’m too scared to reach back out. I just want to leave him alone - figure this out myself - maybe try calling back when everything makes sense. It’s been a month now since that phone call. Almost a year since I’ve been writing everything down. I’ve been doing everything I could to try and remember what happened on that final day, but nothing I tried worked. Then, out of nowhere, I think it came to me as a dream. It’s the strangest thing. Last night I was ruminating on everything - trying to focus on certain objects; certain smells; voices - and I remember everything being quiet for most of the day. We were too afraid to go upstairs, I think. All of us were bundled up in blankets. None of us talked to each other. So, I fell asleep last night thinking about all of this. Then I had my dream… my nightmare. I woke up screaming. I’ll write down as much as I can remember from it.
We were all bundled up in the basement. Everything was quiet. Jake was asleep for most of it. Sherry had the idea of starting a fire using one of the stove pots, but that meant going upstairs. I guess Eric and I volunteered because we were quietly and carefully walking up the stairs to the kitchen. We snagged a pot and the grill lighter, and right as we turned back to the basement, we saw a line of animals - deer, foxes, wolves, owls, bears, squirrels. There were dozens of them all standing on the deck, still as can be - just staring at us. "They look like animals, but they’re not." I couldn't believe how many there were… and they all had burning red eyes. They didn’t try to break in; they were just watching us - seeing what we would do. “Jesus, we'll never get out of here,” Eric murmured before we ran back to the basement.
I don’t know what we did for the rest of the day; my dream sort of compressed all that time into a few seconds. All I remember was opening my eyes to find Eric lurching over me, gesturing me to be quiet. Max had the gun. He was in the hall. Eric then mouthed, “It got in… it’s down here.” I was hyperventilating. My dream gets very fuzzy after this - almost like I had water in my eyes. I remember seeing something move in the shadows. It was walking down the stairs. Max backed up into our room with the gun aimed. He kicked the door shut. Then a loud crunch; the door was gone! Ripped right off! Everyone was screaming! Max was trying to shoot it! I could almost see what it looked like from all the gun flashes - tall, human-like, but its head… it was stretched out and bubbly. It was marching right at me… Max and Howard and Eric were trying to stop it, but they couldn’t. It was too strong; too tall! Sherry and Aunt Madeline were screaming; Rebecca was crying, squeezing Jake. I had my eyes closed, and then I felt it breathing right on my face.
I opened my eyes… and I saw its face. I swear to god, its face - its human face was… sideways… Its mouth looked like an open gash with broken teeth, and its eyes were glowing red orbs. My vision was so blurry, like I was drunk, but I could still see it. I don’t get it… The harder I try and remember what it looked like, the more it feels like I’m forgetting it. Then its hand reached out to grab me, and I flinched back. I wasn’t ready to be taken, but when I opened my eyes again, its arm was stretched across my face. It didn’t want me… it wanted Jake. Then it took him. Rebecca was screaming. Everyone tried to stop it; I was useless - too scared to move. Howard grabbed the burning pot and held it up to the sprinkler. “The fire department will come!” he was yelling. It cradled Jake, and before it left, it looked back at me and sneered, as if it knew it won. I felt its red eyes burning against my face… then I rubbed the tears out of my eyes and saw the red lights of the ambulance. And then I woke up.
I’m at a loss for words. I feel so scared right now. I didn’t want to believe the dream, but it all felt so real. I swear I could almost feel its skin. Something horrible happened - something weird and unnatural - and whatever attacked us… it also took Jake. It had to… God, something took Jake! It was eyeing him from the beginning… and then it took him! It just took him! I can’t explain it! Even after all of this bullshit therapy and memory exercises, I’m nowhere closer to the truth than when I started! The memory loss; the snow; the animals; none of it makes sense, and I can’t rationally explain it, and it’s driving me crazy! The only proof is those mittens, but it’s not enough. We saw something that week… something we weren’t supposed to. And people are going to extreme lengths to hide the truth from us. I need those medical records. Oh, god, I feel like I’m back on the slope again. I’m starting to think Eric was right - that I had some kind of episode. I’m driving up to Plattsburgh - I’m going to that neighborhood. It’s the only thing I can do now.
****
Update. The neighborhood is exactly what it looked like on street view. It’s all here… I almost can’t believe it… Different people live here now… Lived here for decades, they told me. It doesn’t make sense. Why do I remember this place so vividly then? I asked the people living in Eric’s presumably old home if I could see their backyard, and they were nice enough to let me. It felt like yesterday that I was there - the pond, the bridge, the big tree with the ice. Then I saw the little patch of forest that divided the property from the Marlings’. I remembered running through it with everyone. That’s where Eric tried to shoot it and missed. He missed and hit a tree… I pulled his bullet out of the trunk. It’s in my hand right now. I’m trembling. I don’t know where to go from here, and what scares me most isn’t that it happened - I know that now - it’s that I feel myself forgetting again. My memory is fading. Pretty soon, all I’ll be able to remember is seeing something in the snow.
- RP Romanowski