An all too familiar feeling of overwhelming dread and anxiety overcame her. Every morning was a disappointment, and her chest felt like lead. She wished she could end her pain and sleep forever. It was as if her sins filled her chest with lead. Why did she cling to the delusion that she had once been alive? What was wrong with her? How could anything be better than Heaven itself?
She searched for those things that brought her solace. The constant rushing wind of the Holy Spirit usually comforted her. It always flowed from the ceiling vents, steady and unchanging. She felt the cold polished steel walls of her mansion. They reflected God's glory so brightly that it hurt her to look at them. God's brightness never ceased. None of this lifted the weight off her shoulders. Wanting oblivion was a sin, but how she longed for the peace of nothingness.
Unseen hands opened a slot in the door. They slipped in a tray with a white Styrofoam bowl of God's manna, white plastic spoon, and a white paper napkin. Like everything else in Heaven, her food was white and bright. Even the toilet and sink in her mansion shined in the light from the ceiling.
Should she eat? She didn't want to eat. Eventually, the fear of divine wrath got her to move. She managed to get a few spoonfuls of manna down. It seemed like too much trouble to eat, and food made her stomach hurt.
The unseen Almighty spoke to her. "Worthless slave, why do you not finish your manna? Don't you know it is a sin to waste food?"
She looked at it, trying to come up with a good reason, but struggled in vain to find one. "Lord God and Master, pity this poor creature and purify me."
"Useless one, put your bowl and spoon on the tray."
She stood with the bowl and spoon. "Holy art Thou, O Father without beginning, overlook my transgressions. All-Powerful God, take away from me your scorn and contempt." God knew her heart and her thoughts. She was worthless and useless, a continual disappointment to everything and everyone. Why did he not toss her to the oblivion she so craved?
After she put her bowl in the tray, she squirmed and rocked herself, sobbing as she felt so hopeless and horrible. God made her manna, and she wouldn't eat it. All the voices of Heaven cried that she had failed God and accused her of all her evils. Complete wastes like her deserved only eternal punishment.
"Why are you not singing with Joy to the Lord," He said unto her. "You will never join the Angel Chorus if you don't sing."
She plastered a smile on her face as she bowed her head in contrition. "Please forgive my transgressions. May I find thy way through repentance." She started with five repetitions of Our Father.
"Our Father, Holy God, Holy Mighty, Holy Immortal, have mercy on us. Blessed are you whose way is blameless. Cleanse me of my sins. I am an unworthy and slothful servant who is not yet worthy of paradise. I give humble thanks for your tender mercies to me. With my whole heart, I seek you. My soul longs for your will. Let me not wander from your commandments! I have laid up your words in my heart, that I might no longer sin against you. O forsake me not utterly! Put me not to shame for my many transgressions, Amen."
She used to love to pray and sing. Over the centuries, the Lord had been pleased with her and lengthened her prayer list. Each time a new sacred prayer scroll would accompany her meal, she would rejoice. Now, she struggled to remember the words. Her joy at serving God was so distant. Nothing seemed loving or lovable.
As she mouthed her prayers, she longed to sleep and never wake up. Trembling and nausea grew within her as her mouth became dry. She dreaded what she knew would come next. When it finally happened, she cringed. God's voice announced that it was time to join with her for the Highest Order of Prayer. Anger flashed through her wicked mind. Bringing joy to her Lord was her sacred duty, but she hated doing it. God's touch on her body made her cringe. Even in her fallen state, she feared God's wrath. She got onto her hands and knees and pulled her robe up around her waist. Then she silently prayed for forgiveness.
Her muscles locked painfully as the divine scepter entered her. She hoped that the water of life would flow quickly. Uncounted times, she would hear the steel door close even before she finished her hymns. God knew her thoughts and the sins within her heart. That was why God kept her hidden far away from the other angels.
God always left her mansion before she had finished singing the Hallelujah Chorus. This time was different. Instead of experiencing the Rapture, God coughed and groaned. "I'm going to be sick, my chest. Help. I can't breathe." Before she could figure out what to do, the scepter abruptly withdrew. Then she heard a thud. Had God collapsed? That couldn't be. God was eternal.
When she couldn't sing anymore, she decided that God must have left without using the door. She turned and saw that the door to her mansion was open. Something was lying there. It was big, much bigger than she was, and its clothes were many different colors. So many different colors! She didn't have words for them all! Heaven was white and bright, but it sinfully covered its loins in blue pants. Compared to her pure white skin, this thing was brown. The dark hair on its head was short, but it had long hair on its face. She felt her smooth face. Its hideousness was proof that it was a demon. She kicked it. The thing didn't move.
Something in the face of this thing on the floor made her head explode in fear and fury. She remembered walking to the bus stop. He asked her to help find his lost puppy, then dragged her into a car and drove away. Her chest pounded in fear.
She stood and faced the doorway to pray as she always had. "Lord God and Master, there is a devil in your lowly handmaiden's mansion. I don't know what to do with it. Please help this worthless slave. It's left my door open. I don't like my door open."
Nothing changed. God would clean it up in His own time, she finally decided. Still, it distracted her so much that she couldn't complete her prayers.
In time, her body told her that she needed to eat. She prayed for food as she had thousands of times, sure that God would close her door and put her meal through the slot. Nothing happened.
Was this God's sign that she was now fit to join the other angels? It was a bold thought, but that hope and hunger drew her out of her mansion. The corridor outside seemed dark and strange. The walls did not glow with the same Heavenly brilliance.
Near the outside of her door, a small box hung from the wall. An image on it showed the insides of her mansion. She saw that the demon was in the picture and she wasn't. That puzzled her. She belonged there, not him.
She moved the demon's arm and then checked the box. The little picture had changed! A strange memory flooded into her head, a funny creature named Big Bird. It was on a screen like this, but bigger and it talked. Forbidden thoughts overtook her. She retreated to her mansion in fear of God's wrath. The pain caused by her delusion that she had once lived on Earth made her burst into tears.
When she had the strength to come out of her mansion again, she avoided the screen. Instead, she went down a hallway. At the far end was a door. Hunger convinced her to try its handle, but it didn't budge. A toy soldier walked through the wall and blew a trumpet. "The keys of the kingdom. You are in God's kingdom, so there must be keys." The soldier was right. But what would heavenly keys look like, and where could they be?
She searched the body of the creature in her mansion and found keys. Some had strange words like Hyundai and Schlage on them. They didn't help her. All the door had was the handle and a big knob with little numbers and the words "Sargent & Greenleaf" written on it. There was no keyhole.
"You're not worthy," said a voice that jolted her with pain. She held her arms over her face to protect herself from the punishments to come. Her muscles became stiff as her body and head collapsed in on themselves. Total despair overcame her as she choked, gasping for air. The heat of Hell's fire flashed over her. Waves of trembling dread vibrated throughout her entire body. She felt every hair on her body stand on end. Every pore opened and flooded water on her skin, drenching her in sweat. Even this couldn't protect her from the infernal pits. Her heart raced so hard she thought her chest would explode. A massive riptide of Hell's molten lava slammed the pit of her stomach, but all her heaving was in vain. Nothing she could do would make God's righteous anger stop. She felt tiny and was sure that God's patience had finally run out and that she would be cast in the pits of Hell forever. All she could do was retreat to her cot and cry until she finally passed out.
When she finally managed to stir, a giant rat greeted her. It perched on the demon in her mansion. "Partake, and eat," it said. She didn't want to, but her hunger drove her to desperation. She bit into the creature in her mansion. The demon's flesh had become so hard that it seemed hopeless. "Partake of the fruit of knowledge," the rat said, so she smashed its head against the floor until it opened.
She couldn't stop smashing that face. It felt so good. Centuries of anger and fear seemed to slip away. When the demon's head was no more, she did partake. Destroying that demon's head gave her more joy than she could ever remember. Was it a sin? Surely it couldn't be a sin to crush the very image of evil.
"Use the devil's keys," said the rat. The one marked Schlage made a decent knife. The idea of eating a demon was disgusting. It tasted foul, and she never ate anything that wasn't Heavenly white before. God had always told her that it was a sin to waste the food, so he gave her prayers of thanksgiving and ate.
Her existence was quiet and peaceful. She slept, she prayed, but mostly she did nothing at all. Sometimes she had visitors, like the zebra that came from the Garden of Eden. She always looked forward to her visitors. She had no idea how long she stayed like this. She looked at her long hair. It was turning into silver as bright as the walls of her mansion. That had to mean that she was becoming more worthy.
The demon began to smell and look strange, but that didn't stop her from eating from it when she was hungry. Then she noticed it became more and more difficult to scrape a meal off the demon's corpse. The day came when she couldn't find another bit of meat on the pile of bones. She prayed and prayed for food, but none came.
She felt weak, spending far more time on her cot and the toilet than usual. Her breath turned foul, and it became harder and harder to think or to pray.
Her insides twisted in pain. She dreamed of bowls of manna as she prayed. Her breasts and thighs shriveled. She drank water to try to fill herself with something. It helped a little, but there was only so much she could drink.
She watched her body eat itself, down to the fat in the pads on her fingers and toes. Shivering, she wrapped herself in the demon's clothes for a bit of warmth. When she was sure that things could get no worse, her mansion suddenly became dark. She was cut her off from the rushing winds of the Holy Ghost that had always been her comforter. A few tiny lights stayed on so she could find her way around, but she was frightened. The water for the toilet and sink stopped as well. What had been a mansion now smelled foul. "You are in Hell," said the bones of the demon, now glowing in an unnatural red. "You have sinned beyond redemption."
"Please, no," she gasped as God's anger choked the very breath of life out of her. Her heart pounded, and she felt numb. Her whole body shook as sweat soaked her filthy robe.
"You have eaten all my sins. They dwell within you, and there will be no forgiveness. Torments such as you have never known shall befall you."
Despite all her prayers to be returned to Heaven, nothing happened. The demon spoke the truth. Devils tore at every muscle in her body, making her writhe in pain. She became so weak that she couldn't move. Even her hair began to fall out. As she lay on her cot in agony, the world dulled, unable to see or even smell anything. Dizziness overcame her, and she broke out into a cold sweat. Finally, Satan himself came for her. She knew him by his eyes. They were the ones that had once asked her help to find a lost puppy. He sat on her, crushing her chest and stomach. Then he plunged his talons down her throat, choking her while he grabbed and plucked out her heart. He examined it, then swallowed it in one gulp. "Worthless slave, your soul is mine. You shall serve me forever."
Written by DrBobSmith