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(May 20th 2021: The following document has been released through the Freedom of Information Act. The following is from organized research made at the Red Water Federal Research facility located in ███████ by ██████ ███ ██████ ████ ██████ The content is allegedly taken from a parallel universe thanks to the use of ████ technology. The following content is disturbing and discretion is advised.)

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Aired January 11, 2021 - 00:00 ET

ACTION 45 NEWSROOM

STACY WILSON, ANCHOR: A human being is merely a suicide delayed, and while you procrastinate from the soul-crushing inevitable, let's bite into some juicy news food. I’m Stacy Wilson, and this is Action 45.

(INTRO BEGINS: IT’S A VIDEO PLAYING APPARENT STOCK MUSIC AND SHOWING A MONTAGE OF VARIOUS PUBLIC EXECUTIONS, UNKNOWABLE PARANORMAL PHENOMENA, AND AN IMAGE REEL OF CELEBRITY FOOT FUNGUS.)

Our first story today is an update from the oversized, growing pothole on main street. It is not a pothole. Let's report in with Harold Jimmings, who is in an alien area formerly known as downtown ████. Harold, can you tell us what is going on?

(NEWS TICKER: Pedophilic serial killer wins custody of kidnapped child, civil liberty organizations rejoice.)

HAROLD JIMMINGS, CORRESPONDENT: You’re going to have to speak louder, Stacy. I can only just hear you over the ungodly wailing of the dying and dead. Right now, we have seen a radical escalation from yesterday. What began as an annoyance for local commuters ended up being, as some experts suggest, the return of some dark god-like being, possibly a Great Old One awakening, or a visiting Outer God enforcing their will on this pathetic planet. All we know is that this black void of unspeakable terror is swallowing buildings, roads, sidewalks, and anything else in its path, including people.

STACY: Wow, this is certainly interesting! Do we have any idea what is happening to those that are dragged in?

HAROLD: Well, Stacy, while we are very early on in this garden-variety apocalyptic event, I can personally attest to, as well as demonstrate, the attempts by this being or beings to psychologically torment me for my terrible past.

(SCREEN EXPANDS TO AN ALMOST EMPTY DARK VOID WITH THE REPORTER STANDING ON A GLOWING ELDER SIGN. A NEON ROPE IS TIED AROUND HIM, POSSIBLY TO HELP HIM RETURN FROM THE ABYSS. A VAGUE WHITE FIGURE CAN BE SEEN IN THE DISTANCE.)

As you can see, but may not hear over the sobbing pleas for pity, is the ghostly visage of a person I killed in a hit-and-run when I was nineteen. He is scolding me for my sins and lack of remorse for ending his life due to my negligence. I hit the poor bastard while drunk and buried his body in the woods. He had a wife and kids and everything. Though thanks to this symbol of protection on my soul, I cannot be dragged into whatever dimension of glorious agony I clearly deserve.

STACY: Wow! What a revelation of your own damning monstrosity! Good thing the statute of limitations for murder is only 30 days.

HAROLD: I’m proud to live in such a free country! Go Eagles!

(NEWS TICKER: Senate votes to acquit President Harvey Weinstein in his fifth impeachment trial.)

STACY: Onto our next story. A real treat for all you science lovers out there! We have a phone interview with infamous cloning expert Emil Hidiek. His new big discovery: human clones deeply resent coming into this unbearable material existence. Dr. Hidiek, can you tell us more?

EMIL HIDIEK, CLONING SCIENTIST/WANTED WAR CRIMINAL: Thanks for having me, Stacy. Now that my experiments have reached a high level of intelligence and awareness, they have expressed to me surprisingly, but not unexpectedly, how much they hate being brought into the wretchedness that is the flesh. And, how all carbon-based lifeforms are cursed with boredom, disappointment, and a certain death.

STACY: Oh my gosh! Have you tried cheering them up?

(NEWS TICKER: Saudi Arabia decriminalizes homosexuality, citing: “femboys being too cute”. Thigh high socks to be distributed in mass by governmental services.)

EMIL: It’s really of no use. Nothing we have said or done can rescue them from the trappings that the self-awareness of their own being brings. Now things have worsened to the point that they lash out angrily at each other and our staff. Except Joey, who is content with staring at his own reflection in most of his waking hours.

STACY: Ha-ha, we all have our quirks!

EMIL: ...Indeed. Funny thing is, that while clones demonstrably don’t have souls, hence why they are objectively undeserving of human rights, my experiments have vague memories of cosmic happenings from before their creation. They don’t have many words for it, so they have drawn these crude drawings of the far reaches of space and weird, otherworldly terrains. Plus, there are the fascinating mumblings they make during their crippling nightly sleep terrors.

STACY: This is indeed fascinating! Is it possible we have changed the very essence of life in a way that is catastrophic and irreversible?

EMIL: Oh, undoubtedly! I’m very excited.

(NEWS TICKER: Peanut butter now banned on humane society grounds for the exact reason you think.)

STACY: Fantastic! Thank you for joining us, Dr. Hidiek.

EMIL: Oh, I’m no doctor.

STACY: Coming up next, we find out the terrible, horrible secret behind Betty White’s eternal youth, then sports. I’m Stacy Wilson, and this is Action 45 News.

(BREAKS FOR COMMERCIALS, END OF TRANSCRIPT)


Written by AudreyOwO

Content is available under CC-BY-SA

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