Great story! Just a couple issues...[]
I have to say, I really like this story. It has a great concept that I don't think I've ever seen before. There are only a couple grammatical issues to take care of that shouldn't be a problem. I just have a couple nitpicks, and then some suggestions about the build-up and ending.
“Not since the divorce,” she said sarcastically. Considering that she did have a divorce, she's technically being serious, not sarcastic.
Miss Walsh's corrective lenses arrived in the mail not quite two weeks later, including with it an offical set of documents and a journal to record the going ons of her days. I'd like to know what the glasses (and maybe the journal and the documents) look like, as that really paints a picture of what's going on. Are they geeky and thick-rimmed? Are they sleek and metal? Or are they round and old-fashioned, indicating that this company isn't what it seems? Do the documents give her instructions of how to care for the glasses, or when it's best to wear them?
As she continued to note the ineffectiveness of the glasses, the day finally came, about five days in, when things began to appear pristine. I don't know about Cassandra seeing clearly so soon. Instead of skipping over those five days, maybe we can see her struggling to live without her sight (tripping over things, not being able to read, mistaking juice for something alcoholic, etc) as the glasses slowly improve. Then we can have her realize how clear things have become, like it snuck up on her.
The scene where she gets a burger at MacDonalds is great, and I'd like to see more like it. Maybe she can go home and find that the food in her pantry all looked a little off, and then go to bed hungry, promising to shop for fresh groceries tomorrow.
At a month into the project Miss Walsh recieved an unexpected visit from her parents. The three had been close since her childhood and she was elated to have someone else around her lonely little home. And yet something was just... Different about Miss Walsh's mother. She couldn't put her finger on it, but something was wrong...
I wish that there was more to this scene. Maybe she could tell her parents about the glasses, perhaps while showing off her big paycheck? And while she acts so happy and excited for them to be here, she can see how much her parents have aged: the deep wrinkles in their skin, their thin and brittle hair. Maybe her mother looks worse, making Cassandra even more uncomfortable.
The dream is both interesting and confusing. Is her mother a demon? Or is this just a monster created by her mind to represent how she feels about her mother's affairs?
After the call from Bertram, I think it would make sense to have Cassandra look up this company online (which she should have done in the first place, let's be real), and then maybe find weird, fake sites and alarming testimonials. Or, maybe she can't even bring herself to type the name into google because her keyboard looks so dirty, and the screen is too bright (while at the same time covered in grime).
I believe that a scene showing Miss Walsh throwing out the glasses would be great. It would really give up some insight into her emotional state when she finally gets rid of them.
The scene with the three guys abducting her is really confusing. Are they really demons? Or is she looking into people's souls? Also, the way the scene suddenly ends and goes immediately to There are still conflicting reports regarding what exactly happened the morning of April, 2009 in the tiny Californian community of Actis. Initially lead me to believe that the "demons" had killed her.
What did happen? Did she escape? Did they rape her and then let her go? Did she decide to hang herself because of the assault? Or because she couldn't cope with seeing anymore?
What Bertram sees in the house is her pure soul, correct? If so, I'd like to know what he did with it, and if the other testees' souls were collected as well. I just think the story needs some closure.
Once again, I really loved this story, and I'm definitely looking forward to more stories from you.Chambergambit (talk) 04:50, November 13, 2012 (UTC)
Thanks for the praise, I'll definitly take it to heart. To give a little explanation for my intention (Spoilers for others readers ahead...)
The glasses allow the user user to see the world and people as chariactures of what they are on the inside. Fast food turns to nasty looking shit, her mother, a lustful woman, appears like some hideous monster (and that trait goes about a hundred fold for the men who abducted her). Her mother and the men in the car were not demons, but she saw them as they were, lustful, though to varrying degrees (the scene with her parents was meant to be longer, but I let it slip my mind). The men who abducted her beat and raped her, but she got out alive. Originally the scene in the bathroom was meant to include a pregnancy test, confirming the "beautiful soul" Bertram saw was an unborn infant Cassandra aborted with a wire hanger until she got a good look in the mirror and was so horrified by her own reflection she hung herself, making her the piece of hanging meat Bertram refers to.
I can see I have a lot to clean up and clarify, but thank you for the positive thoughts nontheless ^^ MJTR (talk) 06:30, November 13, 2012 (UTC)
Good Story[]
I really liked your story, it's very well written and kept me interested all the way to the end. I have to say though that after reading your notes on the talk page the story made much more sense. It would be great if you finished it up and added the missing content to the story itself. Damnevil1 (talk) 21:31, December 2, 2012 (UTC)