The pasta[]
although it's too long to read for me, i really read it till the end and i like it
-LeiOmaki
14:44, May 7, 2013 (UTC)
Nice[]
Another great pasta Cymbal. Although, there's a small part in me that didn't find it scary. But still! Another job well done, you impressed me once again.
Now about the story... again, it's a new idea for me, another hearty meal for a readers' eyes. I like how you put the story together, and the scary sequences, the grammar is used nicely and I didn't see any grammatical errors, and i liked how you made it long enough to keep us readers interested with the story.
For another good story, and amazing me once again, I give it a 9.6/10. Congratulations... :).... EXCELLENT JOB!!!
-Adam Carl Castillo
14:54, May 24, 2013 (UTC)
And then it went off-[]
Plot: 11/10
YES. TOTALLY YES. Apart from the ending. BUT YES. Characters are well-fleshed out, the plot drags you on... this is one of the best plots that is present on this site.
Originality: 10/10
Dreams AND scary small town AND in Ireland? Woah.
Writing: 9/10
Okay, the gore sections were well-described but there wasn't really anything that stood out from the writing of this pasta. Good writing, but not exemplary, over-the-top writing.
Ending: 6/10
Okay, here's how I interpret the ending and how it practically ruins the entire experience for me:
-MC (main character) takes Emma to house, describes dream with alarm, blah blah blah, OKAY. So now we're at the pasta's end. We have the basic stuff: dreams, piano, alarm.
-Pasta describes artists' deaths
-MC goes into detail about a dream he's had.
-And the final statement has EVERYTHING to do with his current dream, but NOTHING to do with the pasta itself.
-What I get out of this is that
a) Emma is still in that realm playing piano for who-knows-what
b) MC is safe at home wanking off and watching TV with his father
c) Town still experiences weird dreams and fucked-up animals
d) EVERYTHING IS BACK TO NORMAL. NOTHING CHANGES. THE ENDING DOES NOT ALTER THE PLOT NOR DOES IT WRAP UP ANYTHING.
- facepalm*
If there was a rotten aftertaste to a wonderful (and by wonderful I mean FUCKING WONDERFUL AND GLORIOUS) plate of food, THIS ENDING WOULD BE THAT FUCKING AFTERTASTE. It... it just wraps up everything so very nicely, and the only scare factor here that is that if the reader is so scared about that alarm then just the MENTION of the alarm would scare the reader shitless. And although the alarm was scary for me, it was scary ONLY if the MC WAS in the dream state right then and there, like the first nightmare. So, it's not the WORST ending out there, but it is very close to becoming one of the worst. Even a 6/10 would be an exaggeration. But, to make up for that, a truly wonderful pasta.
Overall experience: 10/10
I hated the ending, but overall, the pasta was really good. I wouldn't be surprised to see that it might be PoTM of April 2013.
Final score: 46/50
Better than Psychologist, in my opinion. And better by it by a very large margin. This pasta is like the NES Godzilla Creepypasta equivalent to a dream-related Creepypasta. It's worth it for the scares, but the ending... nah.
Space! 14:11, May 24, 2013 (UTC)
EDIT: Due to the new ending, I will have to admit that that is one fucking great ending and that I will have to add 3 points to the Ending section because, as I said, it is so fucking great.
So, new final score is 49/50
Space! 14:32, May 24, 2013 (UTC)
Critique of Alarm by Hävitetty[]
The first thing I noticed in your story is "Barely anything unusual happens here. We have an unusually low crime rate and people are freakishly very friendly but I’ve never seen this as a bad thing." You say barely anything unusual happens in your town, but then you say you have an unusually low crime rate. Of course, the word "barely" indicates there is some, but you also go on to state your town has an unusually low number of clothing shops. This doesn't really take the atmosphere of the story away, but it's worth noting.
The first grammatical mistakes that caught my attention were in the sixth paragraph when you said "The cold, fresh air of Spring is suddenly replaced by this horrible heavy humid atmosphere." There should have been two commas placed between those three adjectives towards the end of the sentence. Additionally, "Thunder is frequent at night time but the weird part is, is that there is no lightening or precipitation." lacks much-needed commas between "time" and "but." Also, "is that" was unnecessary in the sentence. Such grammatical mistakes occur consistently throughout your story, but I suppose you could argue these were intentional because it was from the perspective of a teenage boy.
Leaving the assessment of grammar behind, we will move onto the literary devices you used in your pasta. "My other dog now is a different story. For this period of time she sits in her basket solemnly sulking, breathing heavily." is a fine example of alliteration that doesn't draw the reader away from the story, as is "My blood boiling and rising as this bat took a step closer towards me." These strengthened the overall effect of the story by adding diversity to the story.
Now, I notice the theme of your story seems to be Satanic in nature. Although this is grossly overused, I think you have crafted a relatively good story out of it. However, there are some instances that you simply tried too hard to make the story seem more frightening than it truly is. Having Emma's arms used as strings as if she were a marionette was not scary in the slightest, and the distortion of the couple's voices was more humorous than unsettling. In essence, your intended effect on the reader has not been achieved.
However, your pasta was very good in comparison to the usual stories I find on this site. You have crafted something that is well-worth the read, and I applaud your writing skills. I advise proofreading your story in the future so as to avoid taking the effect of the story away. Additionally, I recommend you steer clear of "creepy cliches" such as puppet strings and distorted smiles. Overall, I give this a 4/5.
Hävitetty (talk) 18:10, May 25, 2013 (UTC)
Since reading the June Pasta of the month I've been reading Cymbal's pastas and they are great! This one is my favorite. Long read but really worth it. Everything fell into place and had a nice feel to it. 11/10!I don't want to wake up from this tonight (talk) 00:50, June 26, 2013 (UTC)