Has good potential[]
It has a good story to hit, just one thing that majorly bugged me were the viusals. When you told us about what was happening, like there was a human around your eyelids and a bat or something attacking you, I could NOT imagine what the hell you were talking about, it killed it for me. My mind cannot create a human head around a eyelid, that dosen't even make sense. Just about every visual dosen't make sense, please fix those to something that's scary but makes fucking sense. Also throughout the story it starts to seem mixed up, he finally goes to the property to see it burned down and then it's cut to him shaving and cutting himself, then he says he saw melted people or whatever in the background, wtf. It's like you had ideas you wanted to put in and kind of jolted them down, inside of other ideas. But like the first 3/4 of the story was good, just really it needs to be rearanged. Also the ending seemed lacking, I mean he is just saying he sees everyone melt around him and everything on fire and all his patients died, and then the horrific ending is the building is burnt down! I mean seriously, that is just a big let down, and let alone EXTREMELY predictable, at that point, it's so expected it should have been a minor detail that was self-explanatory. The best part of a creepypasta is the twist ending that makes go, oh shit, that's fucked up big time. Maybe the magiacal eye demon bat dude of eye land can come down and eat all the eyes with his eye fetish and then burn eveything in a very predicable ending. This story wouldn't be that hard to fix, but if it got fixed, I could see it being one of the best storys on the site, it has great potential, please give it the quality it deserves.
-- Shippage 18:10, August 26, 2011 (UTC)
The ending implies that the narrator of the story is turning into one of the flying things described in the story. As for your difficulty understanding the descriptions given, I suspect that it's due to you misreading it. The "human head" description was of the flaming batlike mentioned previously, not of his eyelids. AlteranScientist 05:06, October 10, 2011 (UTC)
Score[]
7.3/10 - CrashingCymbal (talk) 15:24, July 18, 2013 (UTC)