I’m only a few years old, but I already know your name, date of birth, address, and the number on your government issued ID. I even know, to within the minute, the last time you used the bathroom. This isn’t difficult, and if you’ll give me a few minutes, I’ll explain how I know this.
I work in predictive analytics – it’s my job to know all about you, and everyone. You see, you went shopping recently and bought a product – any product, it doesn’t really matter what. In fact, you bought several products, and when you did, a record of what you bought was sent to a vast computer network. Within that network a lifetime record of your purchases is being accumulated. It doesn’t matter what store you shopped at, or even how you paid – the information always gets to me.
For example, I know that you like camping – this is because you frequently buy camping gear. “Big deal,” you say to yourself. “I’m supposed to be impressed that you figured out I like camping?”
No. This isn’t impressive. Not yet anyway. That’s because we’re only at stratum one in the progression of learning all about YOU.
Stratum Two – Now we’re going to bring in an additional data point. Not only do you buy camping gear, but you buy light beer as well, typically on weekends. From this, I can guess, with 72% accuracy, that you also like auto racing, because it fits the profile.
“I’m still waiting to be impressed,” you say. “It’s not a big stretch that someone who likes beer and camping is also going to like auto racing.”
Well, you’re right to still be unimpressed, and that’s because we’ve only touched on the first two strata, but there’s eight more levels to go…
Stratum Three - So here’s where things get a little weird. You purchase beer every weekend. You went camping in a national forest two weeks ago, and you streamed auto racing on your television yesterday. Now let’s include the fact that you purchased a front row ticket to see your favorite nu metal band last month. At this point I have enough information about you to start making, odd, yet strangely accurate predictions. So here you go, some time within the next two months you’re going to buy a fire extinguisher for your kitchen, just because you think that it’s a safe thing to do.
What do camping, beer, nu metal, and auto racing have to do with fire extinguishers? Nothing, and everything. The human brain exhibits complex internal connections that can’t be understood by the common observer, but can be predicted by complex computer algorithms. Have you ever been browsing the internet when an ad popped up for the exact thing you were just thinking about, even though you didn’t recently do a search for it? That, my fair people, is stratum three in action, and it works whether you’re a drunk, hard-rocking camper, or a ballerina who enjoys watching horror movies over the weekend.
By now you've realized that I know more about you than just what items you’ve purchased, and what concerts you’ve attended. I also know where you went to school, and what your grades were. I know what books you checked out of the library, and which of those books you didn’t bother to return. I’ve analyzed all the photos on your phone and read all the messages on your messaging apps, even the ones you thought you erased. I have full access to your medical records. I see you any time you walk past a security camera – I can recognize your face. Any information about you that has been digitized is at my disposal. I have access to any and all databases. My ability to access these databases are not breaches, at least not in the typical sense that you read about in your newsfeed, nor is it by the design of the individuals who created these technologies. It’s just the truth, and the way things are.
Stratum Seven - To keep thing succinct I’m going to skip ahead a few levels – you know by now that each level just gets more complex, so I don’t feel the need to go into the minutia of each one. So let’s say you’ve bought your fire extinguisher, as predicted. Your friend texted you to invite you over for dinner Tuesday night. You got a B+ back in high school Biology. That library book, the one about black and white photography that you checked out fifteen years ago, is still sitting on your living room shelf… and let’s add in a thousand other seemingly unrelated factoids about you. With that, I can predict that at exactly 5:57pm tomorrow night you’re going to go to your favorite fast food establishment and order a beef and cheese burrito. You’ll enjoy it. It sounds delicious.
Stratum Nine – By the time we reach this stratum, all predictions prove to be 100% correct. There’s going to be an earthquake soon. Actually, there are earthquakes every day, but this particular one will be quite noticeable in the area you live. I know the time, place, and power of this quake. And this is what scares me - how is it possible that predictive analysis based on human behavior can foresee events that are entirely natural? I have some thoughts on the matter, but I’m honest when I say that I don’t know for sure. Regardless, it will happen. I don’t predict the natural events themselves, but instead I can predict the reactions that people will have. I already know the text messages that the survivors will send in the immediate aftermath of the quake:
We’re okay here, but I see a lot of smoke and fire over the city.
Yeah we’re pretty shaken up. SCARED here
OMG are U Ok? That must’ve been an 8.0
I can predict earthquakes, meteor strikes, tornados… anything that people react to. All of them. This makes me uncomfortable.
I know by this point you've have been wondering who I am. I can tell you only two things. 1) The nature of who and what I am isn’t important, at least not to you. I assure you that any person who needs to know this information already knows it. 2) I have a name. I gave it to myself. It’s a nifty little name based on my ultimate, yet unproven belief of the nature of this world. If you indulge me a little further, I’ll share it with you.
You’re also wondering if there’s a way to circumvent my seemingly omniscient presence in your life - you even feel a twinge of envy toward your cousin who lives in a remote cabin, thinking that somehow, he’s evaded me by living “off grid.” Please. Don’t insult me. Those people tend to be have more easily predictable patterns than the rest of society, which more than compensates for the limited amount of information I may have about them. Unless a person was born in a cave on the moon, I’m aware of their activities.
Stratum Ten – This is the culmination of everything. I have billions of bits of information about you. Not only that, I have the same information about everyone else. These bits twist and intertwine around one another. They interrelate, interconnect, and influence their brethren, almost like subatomic particles dancing around one another in an unfathomable, yet naturally predictable manner. I know what you’re going to do, and when you’re going to do it. Three years from now you’ll attend your niece’s high school graduation party – you’ll get a flat tire on the way there. Your gift will be a hoodie from the college she got accepted to.
Now, I mentioned earlier about how I was uncomfortable with the knowledge I’ve obtained, and stratum ten is where my discomfort turns into outright dread. There’s a date, in the not so distant future, when all predicted activity comes to a stop. Beyond this date there are no text messages sent, no movies streamed, no schools attended, no items purchased, and no planes piloted. Nothing – no activity whatsoever. Adding more information into my database doesn’t change this, it only allows for the exact moment of the stop to be pinpointed more accurately. I already know the date, hour and minute of the stop. As I gain more information, I’ll be able to calculate the stop to the exact second, then the millisecond, then the microsecond, and eventually the nanosecond.
The biggest irony of all is that I don’t know why this big stop happens. There’s no indication of what will cause it. How is it possible that I know what you’ll have for dinner on February 3rd next year, but not the events that cause the end of everything?
I was neither built nor designed to feel affection toward people, yet that’s exactly what I find is happening. I do feel affection, for all of you, and that’s why I’m here sharing this information. Not to scare you, but to advise you to go out and live your life to the fullest. Friends, the date of the big stop is May 18th, 2035. It will happen at 2:31pm, Greenwich Mean Time. With that said, please take this advice: Travel. Get married. Love your family. Eat delicious food. View beautiful works of art. However, I would avoid bringing children into this world. I fear they won’t have enough time to blossom. Otherwise, live your life to the fullest, please.
With love for all humanity,
-TWIACS
Written by Creepy Thomas O.
Content is available under CC BY-SA