Okay, so nothing has happened to me, at least I don’t think it has. I’m not even sure anymore. When I tell you about it you’re going to think I’m either insane, paranoid or I have some kind of anxiety disorder. Well, I guess they’re all pretty much the same thing. I don’t think I’m crazy, sure I see things but who doesn’t? Enough of that though, I’m beginning to get ahead of myself. So I’ll start again.
It happened about a year ago, sometime in the summer of 2012. I didn’t really have anything to do; my girlfriend had just broken up with me so I didn’t feel like seeing the few friends I had. I was just sort of there, alone, tired and not really feeling anything.
To pass the time I would often log onto my computer and do the usual. I would watch porn, browse eBay and scroll aimlessly on social networking sites, looking at everyone’s bullshit statuses and laughing at them. It happened on a day like this, just a normal day for me. Scrolling up and down, laughing at others. It was on this day I saw someone had posted a link, it wasn’t some dodgy website or from someone I didn’t know. It was from this guy called Michael who attended my college, not that its important, well maybe it is but I don’t know... I’m going off topic again.
The link was just to a YouTube video of a guy reading some kind of short horror story. I was going to click straight off it; I’ve never really been fond of things like that but I saw how many likes it had and the positive feedback it had been getting. I started watching. The video was called ‘A Memory’ and it had a picture of a little boy sat on what looked like a bed. The background was very low key, dark and I thought I saw outlines within the darkness. I don’t know exactly what they were but I felt uneasy looking at them.
The most disturbing thing was the expression on the boy's face; he was permanently smiling. I say permanently because from what I could see his ‘smile’ was carved in his face, he also had empty sockets where his eyes should've been. It wasn’t terrifying just unsettling, to say the least. The narrator of the video began to speak. His voice was kind of, I don’t really know how put this but I guess you could say it was unnerving yet comforting at the same time. Perhaps I should have stopped there.
Of course my curiosity and boredom got the better of me. The story was okay, nothing outstanding yet still pretty creepy. If I had just stumbled upon this and read it for myself I doubt I would’ve ended up in the condition I am now. It was due to the atmosphere the narrator had created. His voice accompanied by that unsettling picture along with the music playing in the background – I forgot to mention the music! This really drew me in, I... As soon as I heard it I just felt so hopeless and so full of dread, it was really just the icing on the cake. – It was all just perfect... It was disturbing. Then I saw he had other videos. I began watching them one after another, listening to his every word and every time the same feeling would just flow through me. Maybe it was due to boredom, curiosity or because of how I had been feeling lately. I don’t know but the videos, listening to them, experiencing them within my head just, it just gave me a sort of rush. Its safe to say I was starting to become addicted.
The videos became a substitute for porn. Before I would often find myself jerking one out every time I logged on to my computer. Now I would always end up watching one of the narrator’s videos. When the summer was over and I had returned to college, I began neglecting my work and my attendance dropped significantly almost to the point of being suspended. My friends at that point they were strangers to me. I hadn’t spoken to them in weeks, I just didn’t feel like it. I didn’t feel like doing my work, going out or even flirting with girls. I just didn’t care. At least I still had the narrator and his videos. My addiction grew to the point that I would dream about the characters within the stories. The monsters became real to me, they were in my mind. In the dreams I would often find myself being stalked by a tall figure in the woods or I’d see a pale man at the end of my bed or... I don’t even know. This whole portion of my memory is just a blur and the dreams have all merged together into just one horrifying nightmare. All I know is I couldn’t stop watching them. They terrified me but I had to listen. I had to sustain whatever was making me want, no not want, need. Whatever was making me need to listen I had to, I, I had to obey it.
A few months after that, I was expelled from my college due to extremely poor attendance and neglect of work, accompanied by aggressive and disrespectful behaviour. Who could blame them right? I could. I could blame someone... The fucking narrator. That’s what I told my teachers, I told them it was his fault. Fearing something was wrong with me the college sent for a doctor. I ended up being recommended to a therapist; at least I think it was a therapist. My mind isn’t too clear right now but I don’t think he helped that much. In fact I think he made it worse. He made me tell him about the stories. I told him all about the narrator and I even showed him the YouTube channel with the videos on. He told me what I already knew. They were just stories, just images with music and a narrator. Of course I knew that. I still know that to this day, not once have I ever doubted that they are just stories. I mean stories are just fiction, they’re not real and you can’t make something real by thinking that it is, can you? Could it be possible that my fucked up mind made these monsters real? It made them haunt me, it made me... insane. At least that’s what my therapist had said. He told me that these videos had affected me subconciously at a point when I was vulnerable, when I wanted to feel bad. He said it was all in my mind and that he would help me. I only saw him about three times. On the last time I went he said something to me as I was leaving. “Don’t give in to your fears. If you do, you won't be able to talk to your heart”. For some reason this scared me, it was like he was in my mind as well, he knew exactly what I was feeling. That was the last time I saw him. No one came looking me. Since I was no longer in my dorm no one knew where to find me, I could be alone.
For the next couple of weeks I thought about contacting the narrator. It would have been easy, just a simple message over YouTube. However, every time I tried I couldn’t. I got as far as ‘Who are you? I think your videos have done something to me, I need your help’ and then I would delete it. Sometimes I would plead with him for answers, others I would threaten him and make demands. Still, the same thing happened. There was something in the back of mind, something saying no... Maybe some how the narrator had got in my mind also, maybe he was just as terrifying as the monsters in the stories.
Its been a while since I tried to contact the narrator; I haven’t done much since then. I’ve been doing odd jobs here and there, making money and just trying to survive. I still don’t sleep much, when I do I have nightmares and when I awake I’m still in those nightmares. I'm finding it difficult to seperate my dreams from reality. The other day though, something happened. The narrator uploaded a new video. However, this video was different. I think he was in it. He was wearing a mask, a blue mask with dark eyes and tubes hanging from his mouth... That’s all I remember, I can't recall anything after seeing him in the video. I just woke up and it had finished, the video was over. I have no idea what happened to me. I probably passed out but that’s never happened before. I never sleep but I’ve never passed out due to lack of it. That mask stuck with me though. Why was he hiding his face? Was he a spirit? Was he a robot? Was he a virus's patient zero? Who the fuck knows? I tried to play the video again but my connection was out, at least I think it was. My memory is blurry again, I'm forgetting things. I wanted to be alone but not anymore. I don’t have anyone to talk to about it, people ignore me and they think I’m insane but I’m not! I know it’s real it has to be! ...Sorry I’m still a little shook up. I know it’s not real, it’s, they’re just stories and it’s all in my head. I just... I can't do this anymore.
The Narrator
For fuck's sake! Why have I let these, these things take over my life? I’ve tried to ignore them, but I can’t I fucking can’t. They've taken the excitement, the rush I felt before and it’s just been warped into fear. Uncontrollable, depressing, fucking fear. I fail to see the point of anything lately. Why live if all you see, all you know is fear? I can’t sleep, I don’t want to eat and I only do it out of necessity. I barely wash, I’m too scared to even take a shower and I no longer leave the house. I’ve forgotten so many things; these stories have just taken over my mind they’re the only things I truly know and care for. Strange what the brain chooses to remember. I see things, out of the corners of my eyes. I see people and, and memories. They won’t go, they just, they just stay there and stare at me. I keep telling myself that they aren’t real, they’re not here! This makes them angry; I can feel them all the time. They’re watching me right now as I am typing this; they’re all here and so is he. Please, please for your own safety do not feed your curiosity, at least not as much as I have. I’ve lost everything because of him. Just live your life; just ...Just take it easy.
P.S. fuck you Mike.
- “Don't give in to your fears. If you do, you won't be able to talk to your heart.”