I am an extraordinary musician, one of the best; you could say it was in my blood. I am well aware of my greatness and find no reason to pretend otherwise. Modesty won’t get you anywhere.
I have the ability to play any instrument I pick up, but the violin has always held a special place in my heart. The first time I laid fingers on the polished piece of wood, I could hear something telling my ten-year-old self that this instrument would get me somewhere. That voice wasn't lying.
I have spent the years perfecting my talent and the hard work has paid off. I am now first chair violinist in the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, one of the most renowned orchestras in the world.
Now, I mustn't take all the credit. As every musician knows the quality of the instrument is just as important as how well you can play it. This is why I have just recently finished my new violin, making it all by hand and just the way I want it.
If you plan to take on the endeavor of creating a violin of similar caliber of my own, then there are a few steps to follow and it’s not for the faint of heart.
First you have to decide on the wood you will use for this masterpiece. Most people use spruce or maple but I thought that willow deserved to be used on mine, but this is a personal exception. You can have someone cut the wood for you at specialty stores. Most of your big cities should have someone. It will cost you a bit of money but it’s worth it.
Next you’ll need an assistant. Your helper doesn't need any skill or even know anything about music. They only thing that they need is to be in good health and at least somewhat trusting.
Once you have your assistant in mind, I advise you to invite them for tea. It won’t make them too cautious but if you slip something into their drink your job will be a bit easier. Plus, they’ll be much more compliant to your offer.
Your best plan is to place them in the most inner room in your house or, if you have one, a basement is an even better place. I advise putting tape over the aide’s mouth. When they find out what’s going on they can often, very loudly, regret their decision.
You probably don’t want to go down there for a while. Let the scared human settle down a bit. When you do go down to feed them be sure to keep a weapon at your side. Humans get quite violent when frightened, even when being offered food. Make sure that what you are feeding them won’t be too harsh on their intestines. That is a very important part of the body in this case.
When you go into their chamber to feed them you can harvest your first item then and there if you want. Their hair will have to be long enough though. If it isn't quite the length you need you can massage their scalp two times a day with an aloe lotion, this will encourage hair growth. I’ll let you know in advance, if you sedate them first you job will be a way easier.
Once you have your assistant's hair then you no longer need them alive. Don’t say this to them though, it encourages them to attempt escape.
After the hair is cut, you just need to treat it like it was horse hair. You might want to be a little gentler with it because of its thinner quality. You just need to tie it off and attach it to the bow when it is finished.
Killing them will be the least messy out of the next events. Death by hanging will cause the smallest amount of damage to the things you still need from them. Once you have them hung you should cut a major artery and let as much of the blood as possible drain into a bucket with the wooden parts of the violin in it. The blood will work as a stain to the wood. It’s hard to beat the rich, red tint. You might have to scrub some of the pieces with the blood because the bucket probably won’t fill up quite enough.
Once you have drained as much blood as possible you can cut a deep slit down the decided human's arm. This will allow you to easily pluck out the long arm bones you will need. The bones will need to be washed and then cut and painted to be used for the finger board. Some of the left over bits of the bone will be used for the frog on the end of the bow.
Once the bones are put in a sink to be washed, you can claim your last item from your dead assistant. The guts are the messiest to retrieve and you have to be the most careful with them. You have to take them out while they are still warm or you risk the veins breaking. Once they are out you should get all the fat off of them and treat them like any other sheep’s guts.
For all the instructions I didn't give specifically, you should treat it like any other violin. I only gave the instructions specific for the human parts. You will have to change the hair on your bow from time to time so be sure to keep the extra hair and the gut strings as well.
That is all you need to know my dear friends about making a violin just like my very own. I have a concert to make it to so I must end my writing here. I know the whole band will be mourning over the death of Willow Florence, the old first chair violinist, but between you and me I’m sure she’ll still be sitting first chair at the concert tonight. She just won’t be in the same shape as before.