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  • I have this eye, it's a gift and a curse
    This dark vision makes me perceive the worst
    My dark eyes, the sight of darkness, it's thirst
    Seeing darkness easily, does immerse
    Crafted to chill my soul and core inside
    Opened by my loss of dear innocence
    Across the time; much anguish endured, I'd
    I used my eye too much, my own penance
    There are days that upon it, I rely
    There are days it's so harmful; sometimes lie
    Security, it augments; It protects
    My feelings, my mind, my life it affects
    I hope this eye be closed, wish it's sewn shut
    But I'm afraid this eye does not, I can't!

    [...was made at year 2010]

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    • This is a cool idea for a poem and the general structure is quite good. It's pretty short, so I'll go line by line. The first line is good, the comma should be a semicolon. Second line is also good. the third and fourth line say 'darkness' way too much. I think you did it intentionally, but it seems clunky to me. These lines are also kind of unclear what they are referring to. I understand poety is often vague, so this is purely my opinion, of course. The fifth line is good. The sixth line doesn't roll of the tongue very well, but it resolves on the eighth line. I can't understand the seventh line. It sounds nice, but it really doesn't make sense. The ninth line is good. The tenth sounds fine, but the "sometimes lies" rhyme feels a bit forced as it lacks a subject. The eleventh and twelfth have a solid rhyme, but the eleventh line is the weaker of the two. After the twelfth, it seems as though the eleventh should also list three items. The final two lines are what concern me the most. They feel a bit odd in present tense; future seems more appropriate. Otherwise, they complete the story well, but they feel out of place and don't rhyme: ABAB-CDCD-EEFF-GH. It seems as though there should be another rhyming couplet before the last two lines and that the final lines should rhyme: ABAB-CDCD-EEFF-GGHH. Or that it should revert back to the old rhyme scheme for the final lines: ABAB-CDCD-EEFF-GHGH. 

      I've said quite a lot here, and I can clear anything up if I was unlcear. Sorry if I'm a bit nitpicky, but poetry is fun to close-read. Overall, I think it's a good poem (you kept a solid rhyme, mantained a syllable scheme, and remained focused), but it could certainly be improved.

      Sidenote: make sure the Latin is correct. I don't speak it and don't know if it's right or wrong, but it would be pretty embarassing to screw up the title.

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    • First of all, Thank you for the review, Levi. "Soneta Oculi Atri" means "Sonnet of the Dark Eye"; I self-teach myself Latin; I love the classical Latin.

      "Sometimes lie." is equal to "It is, sometimes, telling a lie." Yes, it is really forced. The seventh line: "Across the time; much anguish endured, I'd" pertains to the emotional and mental anguish caused by the "dark eye".

      About my envoi (last two lines), I should really fix it...

      REVISION:

      I have this eye; it's a gift and a curse
      This dark vision makes me perceive the worst
      My dark eyes, the sight of darkness, it's thirst
      Seeing darkness easily, does immerse
      Crafted to chill my soul and core inside
      Opened by my loss of dear innocence
      Across the time; much anguish endured, I'd
      I used my eye too much, my own penance
      There are days that upon it, I rely
      There are days it's so harmful; sometimes lie
      Security, it augments; It protects
      My feelings, my mind, my life it affects
      I hope this eye be closed, wish it's sewn shut
      I'm afraid I can't, this remains unshut.


      [The poem is about having above average knowledge than of my peers that I develop a high sensitivity of fear, paranoia, despair and pessimism that made me years of depression.]

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    • Sorry this took me a while, but I've skipped the draft and got here directly. It's lazy of me, but I dont feel the need to read that one.

      So firstly the critical comment: the poem does not follow an important rule for sonnets. The rule that makes them really difficult to write. You're supposed to have an iambic pentameter here. I see quite a few faults in your pentameter that does not make it rhythmic enough.

      I like the idea, though. Of having a third eye. It's wide enough to write in a sonnet form. However, there are sentences here that I do not understand. Poetry doesn't mean one forgets his sentence structure. The trick is to fit it in with the rhythm of the poem.

      By that, I mean: ...endure, I'd / I use my eye...

      Another thing; I don't think you've brought out what you mean in some lines. At least not effectively. ...the sight of darkness, it's thirst. And the next line, too. I can figuratively sense the trouble the syllable count has given you. And that's never good. Sonnets need to have an easy flow -hard to write, but so easy to read. Easy to memorise. You've got some evident forced rhymes there, and words that don't /quite/ fit in the poem for the sake of the pentameter.

      My advice to you would be to take things slowly. Jot down your thoughts, then work on the meter. Make it rhyme and make it catchy. Lastly, make sure your meaning gets out of the cage you've built around it. Your poem needs more expression and emotion. Put it in there. If nothing works, don't be afraid to write something simpler. Like blank verse, which is an unrhymed sonnet, pretty much.

      Also, what kind of sonnet are you writing, here? Italian or Shakespearean? I don't quite remember the writing scheme for either.

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    • Thank you very much for the criticism, WaveDM. I'll reconstruct this [poem] if I've the free time.

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