Author's note: The original story is underneath... I am leaving it there so people can see how I changed it, but here is the revised edition:
My husband and I always told each other stories about when we were growing up, and we always tried to one up the other. He would tell me stories about his travels and stuff like that, but he never really told me much about his family other than his parents were long dead. He always got a pained look in his eyes when I would ask so eventually I stopped asking. But I'm here to tell you about the day I told him the Legend of Little Lucy.
I heard the stories growing up. All the older kids liked to tell stories and I always just assumed they were stories and there was no truth in any of them. But one story was true. Little Lucy's story. It happened when I was really young so all I know is from the other kids and from the library microfiche after I got older. I was genuinely curious. Who wouldn't be curious about a little girl who killed her parents?
They said that Little Lucy was crazy and that for some reason she was always banging her head against things... walls, floors, tables and the like. They took her to several doctors but there was no answers. The doctors were flabbergasted. All they could tell her parents was to keep a watchful eye on her. So they did. And I think that's the reason she killed her parents. She went into their room one night with the biggest knife in the kitchen after they were sleeping. When she walked out, she was covered in blood practically head to toe.
Supposedly Little Lucy walked down the road, into the old skate park and started banging her head against one of the half pipes. One of the older boys from the neighborhood, his last name was Manchester, I think, ran over and grabbed Little Lucy into his arms and proceeded to call the police. His call went unfinished because Little Lucy wrapped her arms around him and stabbed him in the back. Once. Twice. Three times, before he collapsed. His blood was everywhere but Little Lucy didn't care.
The boy's call had gone unfinished but the police still arrived. The scene that met them was a grisly one indeed. Little Lucy had gone back over to the half pipe, banging her head once more... brain matter could be seen dripping out of a crack in her forehead. The older kids told me so many times to stay away from the old half pipe. They said that Little Lucy's ghost was still hanging around but I didn't really believe them.
When I finished telling him the story, my husband just sat there shaking, tears streaming down his face.
All our time together, he had kept the fact that he had a murderer for a sister from me.
Author's note: The date is 3/25/15... I wrote this last night when I couldn't sleep. For some reason, the words "Little Lucy" kept running in my head over and over until I wrote this. It was something I needed to get out. So here it is.
Little Lucy was sad. She was crying because she knew she had to bang her head against the concrete wall by her house. She didn't know why. She just had to.
Then an older boy saw what Little Lucy was doing and [[Click to Continue > by AllCheapPrice|tried]] to stop her from hurting herself anymore. He pulled her away from the wall, into his arms. He then pulled out his phone to call for help.
Little Lucy also liked to play with knives. She wrapped her arms around the boy and shivered in anticipation. The boy didn't realize what she was going to do until he felt the blade go into his back. Once. Twice. Three times, before he collapsed and bled out. His phone call went unfinished.
Little Lucy wasn't so sad anymore even though she knew she had to go back to banging her head on the wall again. She was even able to smile before she felt the pain.
Sirens could be heard in the distance. They were quickly approaching. When they arrived, they were met with a grisly scene. The boy's blood was everywhere, including all over Little Lucy's dress. As for Little Lucy, she had finally collapsed from banging her head one too many times. Her brain could be seen seeping out through a crack in her forehead.
I was hoping you wouldn't say that it needed more story. I guess it's back to the drawing... er, writing board, to add something else to it. (To me, it was finished but I can understand and see why it isn't finished) Thanks for the feedback.
The story is disjointed. Facts are introduced out of nowhere (the little girl is hurting herself and then suddenly she's armed with a knife) and even the third person narrator has no idea what is happenning, as they can't explain she's banging her head on the wall.
I suggest framing it as a traditional ghost story that's been passed down for generations in the town/school/whatever where it happenned. It explains the strange name ("Little Lucy" is the what the urban legend calls her), the lack of information (the narrator only knows the facts that filtered down through decades of retelling the legend), and provides a reason for the reader to actually be afraid (if you hear a banging sound near ____, it's Little Lucy's ghost, and if you disturb her, she'll stab you.)
Whoa. Dude, pardon me if you don't like being called dude, but Dude, you just blew my mind. When I wrote this, I was sleep deprived. I wish that it were better BUT taking into account the feedback that the two of you have given (hopefully, one or two more people will chime in) and I'll make some notes and some ratification. Thank you so much for that, because thinking about it from your points, @Loom, I can totally see that working. If I tweak it, that might fit in with Sorrow's comments about it needing more substance and length.
Hi, I read your story and I was wondering if there were a reason she was banging her head, like she went dizzy and she was trying to clear it, then a boy came along and tried to help her, but in her mind it was three demons coming to take her away, so she stabbed them when it really was just one boy.
Talking doll wrote: Hi, I read your story and I was wondering if there were a reason she was banging her head, like she went dizzy and she was trying to clear it, then a boy came along and tried to help her, but in her mind it was three demons coming to take her away, so she stabbed them when it really was just one boy.