^^ This is the story of Tony Standford and his quite peculiar "adventure" ^^
I just woke up.
Got on the balcony to a city covered in thick fog, buildings, trees and people were just grey silhouettes in a jungle of barely visible skyscrapers but as I heard the howling thunder and saw approaching a humongous, coal black, lightning riddled cloud.
As I went to the other balcony to pick the clothes a marvelous display just left me bewildered.
Crimson lightnings poured down on the ground as bullets through the thick fog, creating a strange, blurred – horror movie effect, I just stood there, empty headed, and forgot about everything, it seemed like all my worries vanished.
But another thunder reminded me of my clothes. As I lean to get them I notice something, two police car sirens echoing down on street level though I didn’t paid them much attention because my neighborhood wasn’t a residential neighborhood but actually a shit hole where police sirens were just as usual as bird songs in a forest.
Took the clothes inside and put them on hangers then got back on the balcony for a smoke only to look down and see the two police cars, now parked at the entrance to my apartment building, again , not that odd as I’ve got some let’s say special neighbors like drug addicts, pimps and what not, but I don’t really care because the rent is really cheap at least.
The really odd part is when I hear three loud knocks on the door, I wasn’t sure what to do for the first 10 seconds only to be brought to sense by a stentorian voice:
- POLICE, could you open the door for a moment?
I went to the door and slowly opened to a police officer, not your usual type, the fat donut addict sort but a robust, athletic looking man dressed in police uniform. He had blonde hair, blue eyes and there was something peculiar about him that got me thinking about a cross between a Nazi German Gestapo Officer and a British Highborn from the 1700s.
He asks me, in a plummy voice about Thomas Sheppard, a cousin of mine that lives two blocks down from me. I told them that I didn’t heard from him in ages and after a short moment of silence in which he writes in his notebook what I have said. The same officer thanked for my service, excused for the trouble and gave me a card with a name and a number to call in case I hear anything about my cousin. And then they just left, leaving me there looking at that card. The name was Eric Radford and the number was 855-835-5324 his name and phone number I supposed; the name seemed familiar but I couldn’t manage to remember where I heard this name.
After I came back into my mind, closed the door, opened the TV to the same news that was going for weeks now about a serial killer on a rampage “Twofaced killer” being named so only because he was leaving a half angry/half laughing sticker near every crime scene but I didn’t give much attention and got back on the balcony to finish my cigarette and watch the storm but I couldn’t get something of my mind, why that officer asked about Tom? But then my question answered the moment I finished my thought as I heard my phone ringing.
A unknown phone number but a familiar voice:
- Hey man, please help me dude, I need help, please! (almost crying)
- Who is this? (I asked in a high pitched voice thinking it was a prank)
- Tony, can you hear me? (in a brittle voice)
- Hey, Tom?! (in a rather thin voice). You changed your number? (a little louder ), sorry for the late reply, I couldn’t hear you.
- Man look, I need your help, really... I’m scared as fuck, they (wobbly) they want to frame me man!
- Who? What the hell happened, a cop came in today and asked about you!!
- Shit so they started. Look, Tony, you have to help me man, someone … someone fucking framed me man or tries to frame me. They will say that I killed God knows how many people, that I butchered them and tortured them, that I raped and killed children, man I’m scared if they find me they’ll give me the chair man for fucks sakes they will kill me. You trust me Tony right? You know me, you know I couldn’t touch a fly! I need help Tony, would you help me?
And he was right, I knew him since we were little, he was the calmest person and wouldn’t do harm to someone. Of course I would help him but I was in shock, who would do this to him? But that was for later, I must find out more from him! Who the hell are they, why they do this?
- Ok tell me, what’s going on, frame you for what?
- You heard about that serial killer, someone it’s trying to put the blame on me, the police, the feds, I don’t know who the fuck they are but they are trying to produce evidence to get me convicted.
- (bewildered I ask) But how dude? How the hell they are doing that?
- They plant evidence man, one day I found my apartment messed up, with blood all over the place and stuff like that, they are probably looking for me right now, please help me man, I don’t want to die, you know I’m innocent, you know I wouldn’t do such things! (crying)
- Ok, ok, dude, keep calm, where you right now?
- I’m on East End Ave, I have an apartment, the first building, apartment 10, will you come here man? I need help, I need someone to talk to and I just need help…
- Ok, I’ll be there in 10 minutes, calm yourself, just wait!
- Ok man, please come fast, I’m afraid!
I changed my clothes and left my apartment, as I got to the ground floor and went outside in the parking lot I saw a black SUV just outside the building, black windows and all, no plates. I got to my car and saw, two large men, black suits, black sunglasses the type of men you would find as a presidential bodyguard or CIA agent in movies.
I panicked and just got in the car and drove off, always watching the rear mirror just to see if someone is following me, but as I got the Tom’s apartment the feeling that I was watched was still present, I was paranoid already for no reason at all. Walked the stairs, got to apartment 10 and rang the doorbell, like 10 times before Tom, opened up.
I didn’t recognized him, he was skinny, eyes red like he haven’t slept for days, but what the worst was the look in his eyes, like he had seen hell itself, he was terrified.
I just entered the apartment and the most haunting silence fell over us both, I was sitting on the couch and he was pacing all over the room but I just snapped:
- Ok man , stop, just stop and talk to me, what happened, who is trying to frame you?
- The police dude, the FBI, the CIA, they all work together, they are responsible for all those crimes and they try to frame me man, I know it. (sounding like an addict that was taking too much and was just confused)
- I told you I found my old place covered in blood, and I just know that they are trying to frame me.
- Ok, we will figure this out, I’ll spend the night with you and we will figure
something out, ok?
- Ok man, I trust you, you’re the only one that I can trust right now.
- Do you have a beer, I honestly need one right now!
- Yeah, let me get some, well need a lot more!
As I was waiting for him, I kept asking myself who would do something like this and more significantly why would they do it? Why would somebody create a serial killer, and I couldn’t find a reason.
Who would have the capability to cover up something like that, who could fabricate evidence to convict an innocent man? What if, just what if, he really is a serial killer, what if I’m his next victim? A dread overwhelmed me, a chill run down my spine and then Tom comes back with the beers …
I must think to something … fast … something so I could and get away from him!
I just spat out:
- Dude, I know how I can help you!
- What? How the hell could you help me?
-Seriously man, you can go to my little sister back in Ukraine and you’ll be safe there, no extradition and all until things solve back here, if all the secret organizations are involved they will find another scapegoat for sure and not waste time with you!
- Dude, you really think that this will work? … But it might, there’s nothing on TV about me being wanted, I could go there, dude you might just saved my life!
- Let’s not talk ahead man, I have to call my sister!
- Ok, ok!
I got up, and moved towards the door, cell phone in my hand, dialed 911 and rang once and as I heard the voice of that operator I felt something, as I couldn’t talk, my vision was going blurry, and then turned black, all was black, a ringing noise in my ears and I just passed out.
I just woke up.
I’m in a white room, I’m confused, I touch the walls … they are soft as in an insane asylum, I’m dressed in white, there is only a bed and a table bolted to the floor in the room, a door with a blurred window and a sheet of paper taped to the door:
Case : 855-835-5324
Subject : Thomas Sheppard
Supervisor : Eric Radford
Spacing issues: "building , again , not" Punctuation should not be spaced apart from the words. Like this: "Building, again, not" Colons should also not be spaced apart from words. "my phone rang :" Or periods: "British Highborn from the 1700s ."
Punctuation issues: "As I lean to get them(,) I notice something" Punctuation left out of quotations in dialogue: "“POLICE, could you open the door for a moment? “.", "I was asking myself “What my cousin had been doing ?” ,", etc. Apostrophes missing from contractions: "Yeah, let me get some, we(')ll need a lot more!"
Asterisk issues: asterisks are typically used to denote an action when used in a report or file. You are telling a story, so you would actually write the action out. (As you'd been doing earlier.
Speaking of dialogue, you switch between using quotations (as seen above) and em dashes "- Dude, I know how I can help you!" You should keep it consistent.
Wording issues: "Ok, I’ll be there in 10minutes(space missing), stay but and calm yourself!" One of those conjunctions (and / but) is not needed. Fragmented sentences: "Took the clothes inside, just left them on the couch and got back on the balcony for a smoke", "And then all black", etc.
Wording cont.: "“Why the police is (are) asking about him" Police is treated as a plural. "someone it’s (is) trying to put the blame on me", "As I’m waking up, my head hurts and (I) find myself in a (an) insane asylum white room, whit (with) soft walls only on the door there is only a sheet of paper taped :" Run on sentence and awkward phrasing. "Pale, skin white as milk, skinny, a sense of dread just got into me after I saw his expression, the expression of a man that was afraid to the bone, that was certain that the end is near." Awkward phrasing, broken sentence, run-on sentence. "But as I was thinking about a reason I got a idea for a solution, he was just suspected for now, he could go to Ukraine were I have some siblings left and live there until all the matters here will turn false and the real serial killer will be found because if the CIA , FBI and all the secret agencies are involved there is no legal way to counter them, they will just find another scapegoat!" Multiple punctuation, wording (were/where), awkward phrasing, etc.
The dialogue is very awkward at times. "Dude, you really think that will work? … But yes it will, there’s nothing on TV about me being wanted, I could go there, dude you saved my life !!", "It’s nothing, I just know you would do this in 1000 years man, let’s drink ", etc.
Story issues: The ending comes off as nonsensical due to the lack of explanation. Why is that paper important? How does any of this tie into the TwoFace killer? Why are multiple governments trying to frame the protagonist? The story seems split between an actual story and a script for a movie. (The actions denoted by asterisks) I'm sorry but this comes off very rushed and feels like you wrote it all at once. It is not up to quality standards as has been mentioned on your talk page.