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  • ClericofMadness
    ClericofMadness closed this thread because:
    Do not necro old threads.
    04:53, November 10, 2016

    I want you to do something for me. Stop what you're doing. Silence all noise around you. Don't speak, don't move, just listen. What do you hear? Silence. Total silence, right? Of course, what else is there to hear? Keep listening. Now what do you hear? Maybe you're still hearing the silence, in which case, you will have to try again later, but if you aren't hearing silence anymore, what do you hear? Do you hear the distant calling of your name from somewhere unknown? Maybe you're hearing the hushed whispers. Maybe you can make out what they are saying. Can you hear them? They are talking about your future. They speak of evil things to come in your life. Do you still hear them? They are talking about your death. They speak of how nobody will remember you when you are gone. Stop listening to them. What can you hear now? If you are lucky, then you will hear nothing but the silence again, but if you still hear something else, what is it? Can you hear the distant screams? The utterly bone-chilling screams of the damned. Maybe you still hear the whispers. No matter what you are hearing, stop. Listen again. Silence, right? No.....no it's more than silence. Humans hear silence for one simple reason. Mind over matter. You think that you are hearing silence, therefore, you are, right? Well, now you're thinking about not hearing the silence anymore. What I have just done is put the thought back into your head that you were never hearing silence, but did that thought ever really leave? Did the voices of your "imaginary" friends ever really leave, or did you just convince yourself that they left so you wouldn't hear them anymore? Mind over matter, right? Listen to the silence one last time. Maybe you're hearing the screaming again. Something is different about it this time, though. Now it seems familiar. Our brains are wired to alert us of danger, but only if we BELIEVE that we are IN danger. You used mind over matter to block out the screams and voices, but little did you know that those voices were your brain's warning to you of the man who broke into your home last night while you slept. Those screams.....they seem familiar because they are yours. I will be hearing them in just a few moments. Your brain tried to save you, but you chose only to hear the silence. I want you to do something for me. Stop what you're doing. Now listen. Your brain is telling you what you're going to hear when I'm done with you. Total silence...

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    • How do I get the paragraph breaking to work in this thing?

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    • Fearhimself1821 wrote: How do I get the paragraph breaking to work in this thing?

      You need to do two new lines, that will create a new paragraph.

      Also, please ensure you're editing in source mode. If not go to your preferences and change "preferred editor" to "source mode".

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    • Here's the html code for line break: "<b r />" [I intentionally included the space in the middle because if I didnt, then it would simply enter a line break in this comment that I am writing. I did that just to show you what to do.]

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    • Okay, so there are a few problems with this. The wall of text is one, which can be broken up by doing what Underscore said. Once that is done it will be easier to look for grammatical errors.

      Story errors:

      The twist is very cliche. It's basically the look behind you bit spelt out in the first letter of each paragraph. This can be done well sometimes, but the build-up wasn't there for this story.

      Another thing that missed its mark was the second person narrative. It's really hard to write second person. Really hard. So don't feel bad for me pointing this one out, I don't think I could write a story in second person either and have it work either. In fact, I think I've only ever read one story where it worked in second person, and that was a long time ago in one of Ellen Datlow's books.

      So here's the problem with second person: if you aren't able to get a person to experience what you're talking about, it's going to fail. Even the slightest part in the beginning will ruin the entire story. Now, you are telling the reader what to do, and it is something that is almost impossible. If you live in a rural area, you will most likely be hearing animals and insects. If you live in an urban area you'll be hearing cars go by and other ambient noise. So it's really hard to get the silence you will need to for this story to even get a tight grip on the reader. Furthermore, when I do get into an area where I can't hear anything, I hear a slight ringing, I don't know how many others get that same sound, but I know of at least three other people. Those three other people are about the only people I've really spoken about it with. So you should try and start with something like that.

      The last thing I would like to point out is that the ending dragged on. You tell the person that you're in the house and there is another paragraph after that. most of that last paragraph is just repetitive. A lot of this story is repetitive come to think of it.

      Hope this helps.

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