Hi, my name is Jason, and I am going to tell you about the worst memory I have experienced... something that never should have happened, but due to not listening to my conscience, it occured it the most unimaginable way possible. And it all happened when I was just twenty.
It all started on November 17, 1982, at a recently built arcade in northern Ohio. I had just finished playing Pac-Man at around 7 PM, and I was about to exit the front door and walk to my car so I could go get myself some fast food at McDonald's or at Burger King, when a man in black suit wearing sunglasses prevented me from leaving. Then, he said something to me that I never forget.
"You have been chosen to test an arcade game by Namco that has been announced to come out to arcades in March of 1983," the man spoke with a deep voice. "Would you like to accept this offer? This might be the best decision in your lifetime."
I found this odd, because no one had ever came up to me and ask something like this before. But I soon forgot about it because of all the excitement that had built up inside of me. After all, this game hadn't been released yet, and this would probably never happen again, so I agreed with the man.
"Very well," he said as he looked at his digital watch, only to be shocked to see what time it was. "We need to hurry son, because it starts in exactly eight minutes! Follow behind me please, we can't waste anymore time, or else you'll miss your opportunity!"
I ran behind him until we reached the back of the arcade, then he got out a pair of brass keys, and then he opened a door to what looked like a basement. As I walked down the stairs, I saw a lot of arcade cabinets, except that they had no decal art on any of the cabinets. But I shrugged it off, because I knew they were prototypes of the game.
"Follow me to that red pad over in that corner, and once you step on that pad, and also do not move under any circumstances. Just do what I say." The man told me as went up to a little station just right by the red pad. After I was all situated, he pushed a red button, and he counted down all the way to zero. Then, the last words I heard before teleporting into the game dimension were from the man. "I'll meet you inside!" He shouted into my ear before I disappeared into the game.
When I arrived inside the game, the first thing I saw was absolutely terrifying. The sky was a depressing gray, the sun was blood red, and the pixelated landscape was replaced with a barren wasteland with large cemetery. It was almost like a nuclear bomb went off, and then World War III began, Then, when I looked around more closely, I saw a large decrepit mansion in the distance, and so I ran towards it. It only took 5 minutes to get to the mansion, and I sat down on the steps to take a break. Suddenly, I saw a little girl who was smiling, and she waved at me. I smiled at the girl, and I waved back. I turned around for just one second, and when I turned back around, she was gone.
To make sure I was not going out of my mind, slowly I began to walk in her direction. Then the girl appeared out of nowhere, and she looked more terrifying than the first time I caught a glimpse of her. Here eyes were gouged out, and her teeth were sharp and pointed like that of a piranha. Before I could react, she leapt toward me and bit a huge chunk of flesh from my left arm. Screaming in complete agony, I could see my veins torn open and the blood spilling down my arm. With my good arm, I swung with all my might, punching her in the face and knocking her down to the ground. Then, I proceeded to run into the decrepit mansion and then lock the rusty old door.
Unfortunately, it didn't get any better than that. Inside, there was a pentacle at the front of the door, dead bodies everywhere and blood that was splattered across the walls, and pools of it throughout. My mind raced with worry thinking what will happen next. I had a good reason to be worried too. Before I was teleported inside, the man told me I would be trapped inside here until I killed a "certain enemy", but I didn't know what kind of enemy he meant. I was going to be trapped inside for the rest of my life.
My worries began to come true when I heard loud banging coming from the door, and a ear piercing scratching coming from the window. I didn't have anything to defend myself with except for my bare fists. Then the front door fell on the floor and at the front of the porch was the girl. She let out a menacing screech, and ran towards me. I ran up the grand staircase and stopped at the other staircase. I didn't know what to do, until I found an axe lying on the floor, which apparently belonged to a Boy Scout leader. I picked it up, and gripped on to it as I chopped off her terrifying face. Her head flew towards the other side of the room and landed right by the front door. Her body fell down the stairs and as it hit the floor, it made a loud thud. She was dead, and would never come back.
Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw the man at the bottom of the stairs. I was filled with relief and excitement, because I thought it was all over, but little did I know, that things would take a more terrifying turn. As I ran down the stairs to ask him what the "certain enemy" was, he just laughed and shook his head and said in a sinister voice, "Wow. You fool! You never figured it out yet?! The person that you need to kill... ...is me." the man said to me in a not surprising tone.
My jaw dropped after he said those words. How did I not know that he had lured me into a death trap? Did I overlook something that I must've missed? I really could not believe that he did this to me. I was both surprised and filled with fury.
"What?! I have to kill you? This is very confusing to me. Tell me why I need to kill you." I asked the man curiously. He laughed out loud and then he explained to me everything that he had did for his horrifying plan.
"I did this because I resorted to making rituals to Satan. I just need to make one more sacrifice and then eat all of the body parts for him. After I give him this sacrifice, Satan will make me second in command and I will take over the world with him, and then we will have unlimited power!! And that sacrifice that I was talking about? That is you! Also, I have complete control over these children!" He said as he looked straight at me with his bloodshot eyes. I now scared as ever, and I needed to kill this guy fast before he could take over the world along with Satan. And that explained why there was a pentacle in the house. He was doing rituals for the Prince of Darkness.
I grabbed the axe that I had used to kill the little girl with, and I clutched onto it with my hands as hard as I possibly could. The man laughed, and pulled out a handgun from his pocket. He fired first, and then I moved a bit closer towards him. Once I was close enough, I threw the axe straight towards his head like a throwing knife, and his head came off. Then a bunch of rats came and ate his rotten corpse. But my ordeal wasn't over yet.
After the gun fight, a bunch of scary children appeared in front of me. They ran straight toward me, and two of the bit my bad arm. I picked up the handgun and tried to shoot them all, but when I tried to shoot them, they just kept teleporting everywhere. And I ran out of ammo trying to shoot them all. As they walked towards me, ready to eat my body alive, I found a door that led to the balcony. And I opened the door and realized that it would be a dead end. The only way to escape was to jump off the balcony. I hesitated for a moment as I watched the children run towards me. Then, I jumped off.
I broke my left leg from jumping off, so I ran from the mansion, and all the way to the streets. I stopped to rest for a minute, when a car driving at about sixty to seventy miles per hour was speeding down the road. I limped onto the sidewalk, barely missing the vehicle by about a few seconds. Then the car suddenly stopped. And a man in a black suit just like the one I had met got out of the car. He shook his head when he looked at me.
"You shouldn't have done that," the man said he pulled out a throwing knife from his pocket. "You just killed one of my workers." Then he started to run towards me like a mad man. I limped across the street for my life, until I was able to outrun him. I hid in an alley so I could rest for about five minutes. I found a handkerchief lying on the floor, so I tried it around my left arm, and made a really tight knot to prevent it from bleeding anymore. I had to hold my breath so that the man wouldn't hear me, and then kill me. He would just cover up the story of what happened to me, and no one would ever know what really happened that day.
Anyways, once I was ready, I took a deep breath, and then proceeded to walk out of the alley and hot wire the man's car. He yelled at me as I sped off into a decrepit neighborhood filled with abandoned houses and graves. Then, I got out of the car after I parked it into a garage and picked up a marksman's shotgun that was lying on the ground in the left corner, and loaded up the ammunition. I was ready for anything now, even if those pathetic children intervened.
I walked out into the open, and called for the other man to come out and fight. He heard the request, and came immediately to where I was. "You've made a poor decision young man..." He said as he shook his head with confidence. He threw the throwing knife at me, with anger on his face and no sign of remorse. But he missed by sixty feet. So I grabbed out my shotgun and shot him in the chest. He fell on his back, and was he breathing heavily, just barely clinging onto his own life.
"There is still something out there that is going to get you." He said to me with a evil grin on his face. I shook my head and said to him in a angrily tone that I still remember to this day. "I don't give a shit about what you say." Then I fired the final shot from the shotgun.
He had died immediately from a gunshot wound to the head.
After I had gunned this man down, a portal showed up. I ran toward it, and I was teleported back to the real world. When I had arrived in the basement where I had been teleported into the hellish game, I was so happy that I broke down and cried joyfully for abou three minutes.
After my ordeal was all over, I called the cops so they could figure out what this guy was doing this whole time. It wasn't until later that the cops told me it was a project that the CIA were doing that was called "Project Madness". The project's purpose was to experiment with virtual reality and teleportation for video games. They also told me that they had picked the test subjects randomly instead of studying people to save more time. Also, they had sent the man who I had killed at the mansion to find people and lure them into the game, not knowing that he would only make sacrifices for Satan. There were ninety-nine deaths during the project before I stopped it. And if I had died, Satan would've taken over the earth.
Also after this ordeal, I got married in October of 1983 to a woman named Lucy. She eventually had two boys and two girls. Then, in 1992, two CIA agents arrived at my house and apologized about the incident ten years earlier. I forgave them, and then they gave me their phone numbers just in case any project that the CIA were working on went wrong and if someone tried to kill me to me again. But this wouldn't prevent a tragedy from occurring in my family.
I ran into an arcade machine about a week ago that was made by Namco, and it was Doorway to Madness. Scared to absolute death, I ran out of that arcade and drove home, only to find my daughter dead on the kitchen floor with a gunshot to her head, after the autopsy was performed, the cause of death was listed as suicide. And still, I am still waiting for that last piece of evil from that hellish game to come out and fight me.
A few grammatical errors, I noticed. Corrections were noted with brackets:
+Then, [I] saw a little girl who was smiling, and she waved at me. I smiled at the girl, and I waved back.
+The sky was a depressing gray, the sun was blood red, and the landscape was replaced with a barren wasteland with [a] large cemetery.
Also to note, I feel you overused "then" a few times then you actually needed. You can actually take it out and still get your point across. I noted one area below.
-Here is part how you have it written. The "then's" are noted by asterisks:
When I arrived inside the game, the first thing I saw was absolutely terrifying. The sky was a depressing gray, the sun was blood red, and the landscape was replaced with a barren wasteland with large cemetery. *Then, when I looked around more closely, I saw a large decrepit mansion in the distance, and so I ran towards it. It only took 5 minutes to get to the mansion, and I sat down on the steps to take a break. *Then, a saw a little girl who was smiling, and she waved at me. I smiled at the girl, and I waved back. *Then I turned around for just one second, and when I turned back around, she was already gone.
Here is the same part but with "then" removed/replaced and noted with asterisks:
When I arrived inside the game, the first thing I saw was absolutely terrifying. The sky was a depressing gray, the sun was blood red, and the landscape was replaced with a barren wasteland with a large cemetery. *When I looked around more closely, I saw a large decrepit mansion in the distance, and so I ran towards it. It only took 5 minutes to get to the mansion, and I sat down on the steps to take a break. *Suddenly, I saw a little girl who was smiling, and she waved at me. I smiled at the girl, and I waved back. *I turned around for just one second, but when I turned back around, she was already gone.
Grammatical errors aside, the story was a decent read. However, the last four paragraphs felt rushed and crammed. You had build up in the beginning even after the character was sent into the game. There was a nice conflict with the girl he met and how he reacted to her.
Yet when it came down to the main antagonist, he was quickly dispatched in one paragraph along with an assortment of other enemies. There really didn't seem to be any threat to the main character because he was able to easily take out the antagonist. I felt there should have been more conflict at that moment. Furthermore, the addition of random children after his demise was too...random. The main character was suddenly able to take them out just as easily despite their numbers and escape.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to remove any of these elements. Instead, you should expand upon them. If this man was luring others to complete this plan, elaborate on it. I'm not saying he has to have a full background, but maybe a little explanation on why he wants to obtain this power. Was it loss of a loved one, helplessness, anger...etc...
If the children are going to appear, maybe they should do so after the antagonist reveals his true intentions, instead of after his demise. Who are the children to begin with? Are they past souls who were claimed by his deceit that are now under his control? Why are they there? These are some questions to think about. If he's going to engage with them, it should be more challenging. You have a whole "game world" that you set him up in, utilize it.
In regards to the end, if the CIA were aware of this to begin with, what is their involvement in the ordeal? Were they in on it and if they were, what is in it for them? If they were not, how did they plan to stop it? This adds a little realistic factor to, especially if you involve them.
Again, your story was decent and I think with a few adjustments, it can become a more enjoyable read. The pointers I have listed were based on my own opinion and factors I believe will help polish it up. I hope to read more of your work in the future.
Well, I am here! And I beleive it is time at last for me to leave some suggestions of this pasta of yours. Before I begin though, I would like to say that you shouldn't take criticism too hard, especially on your first pasta. As a writer, criticism has come to be something I expect, which is why I always put my pastas up on this forum before releasing them on the wikia. Anyway, after reading through, I have come up with a few suggestions that maybe you could heed...
1. The main character's name being Kyle. It isn't that Kyle is a bad name or anything, its just that Kyle was also the name of one of the characters in what is possibly the worst videogame pasta ever (sonic.exe), and it would probably be best not to dig up anyones memories of that particular pasta.
2. You probably shouldn't start out by mentioning the experience that our character goes through has to do with video games. Video game pastas may be on their way to becoming a blacklisted subject someday, and people will be more likely to click off if they see that right away, instead you should lead them into the story a little, saying something more along the lines of "I'm going to be telling you about the worst memory I have... something that I never should've had to go through, but did."
3. Its a bit hard to imagine someone with a deep voice saying something like, "Oh crap". This is more likely to add in comedy, which can shatter the dramatic atmosphere that you are trying to build by writing a creepypasta in the first place.
4. You shouldn't mention the man saying "You will disintegrate into ash". This adds some unbeleiveability to the story, because, even if you were a hardcore gamer, it is more than likely that nobody will take that risk.
5. Give us more details on what it looks like inside the game. Descriptive elements will make your pasta far more beleiveable. Talk at legnth about the gruesomeness. This will add a sense of uneasiness if you do it right. Instead of saying "There was a little chunk of flesh and veins missing, and I screamed in agony" instead say something like "I screamed in complete agony as I looked down at the open wound in my arm. I can see the veins, twisted and gory, that the girl has ripped off with her teeth, they spew crimson blood as I continue my keening over the pain that is ripping through me like a tidal wave."
6. Maybe you should do some research on Satanic rituals. One does not simply conduct a satanic ritual by killing a person, there are Satanic Rites to be performed, which you should definitely look into. If this guy wants to take over the world with Satan, then he should have to do some very serious things. Add in that he kidnaps children and keeps them in this bizzare videogame world, do something like that.
7. Again, add in some detial, especially when our main character breaks his leg. Talk about the sound that his leg makes when it breaks, the pain that it causes him to walk, all that good stuff.
8. Don't have the main character suddenly pull a shotgun out of nowhere, its a bit nonsensical and causes a disruption in the general story.
You should really get another opinion on this, Whitix is a user who will happily give you more constructive criticism, as I am sure there are some things that I missed. Have a good day (=
Thank you. I just put the word crap into there because of the whole cussing issue, and second of all I'm not a good pasta writer, but that is about to change, thanks to your guy's feedback. Also, I feel like I rush stories a lot, so please pardon me for that. It's just a thing inside of me that wants to get this story done. Thanks for all of your feedback, and please continue giving advice! :D
Last message for this pasta on here because I am messaging too much, so here it goes: I have had literally no people reading this pasta lately, and I made this in August 2015. So I would like some people to read this and tell me if I have to make any more edits, or if you think you like it or not, rate it, whatever it is because I have had no feedback on this rough draft/ final draft of this pasta so it might show up on the wiki, because I don't know if it showed up yet. Anyway, all I want to say is that I would just like some feedback on this pasta, because I have been gone for a while. I might comment later, but it depends if this page will have some activity because this is my first pasta I created (Also, when it says 11 messages, I made most of them and I deleted some of them.) Thank you for reading this message. :)