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  • This was my story which was deleted. Can anyone go over and see if i made any mistakes that i have myself half missed?


    When I was a kid, I used to hate fishing. I couldn't stand sitting there in a boat for hours, doing nothing; but occasionally catching fish. I loved hunting thought, especially deer hunting. It was very big where I lived. And my first deer I killed was one of my most vivid memories. I had to shoot it three times. My first bullet had hit the spine, causing the deer to flip out. My second bullet hit the lungs, and I thought for sure I had killed it. But once I got down, it was still breathing; and I had to shoot it in the heart only a few feet away. Blood had poured out of it's mouth. And it's eyes had seemed dark and soulless after it died. It was a perfume experience for me as a little kid. I loved the woods, and the countryside. Down here it was usually miles of pines and maple trees. I also loved them for there mysterious elements. There are many ghost stories, and stories of who knows what out there prowling the dark forests. Stuff like this had always fascinated me.

    As I got older, I began to like fishing even more. There was something about being alone with nature. Away from all the stresses of the world. I didn't have a farm, so I could only do something when someone invited me. Will and Sam where my two best friends since preschool. They were twins too. We did everything together. Played sports, video games, watched tv shows. As I got older, I began to develop more friendships. But Will and Sam owned two or three farms, and would always take me hunting and fishing. There was one a rural lake, used for fishing, but we never went up there. We would always go to his other farm, to hunt.

    When I turned 16, I was only allowed to drive to school and back. A few months later. Sam invited me to go fishing at a lake about an hour north of where I lived. Surprisingly my parents said yes. After fishing at this lake, we decided to drive north and head to his lake house. It was only the second time I had been there. It was an old wooden cabin. The living room and the kitchen made one big room. While the living room area opened to a small hallway, with 3 bedrooms and a bathroom. There was small tv in the living room, an old one with a box. The front side of the house had a porch that extended across the small house. Because the house was on a hill, there was about an 8 to 10 foot drop off the porch into the water. The porch had a staircase on the side which led to a small dock. There was a small john deer fishing boat parked in this dock.

    Will Ended up coming up later to fish too. When I was younger, Sam was the shyer one, so I was closer to Will when we started to get older, Will changed. He started to become more stern and serious. Sam remained the same, so I hung out with him more. Driving on the property, I noticed an old run down house by the dirt road.

    "Some old man used to live there, he died in that house." Sam said.

    "That's a little creepy." I responded

    "Even better, his wife died mysteriously and it was rumored that he killed her. My dad used to give him fish he caught to eat. We also let him hunt our property. He especially loved to predator hunt. When I was a kid, my cousins made me walk to that house at 12 at night alone, it scared the shit out of me." He told me. We continue town the road to his house to fish for the day. I considered spending the night, but I couldn't. My parents aid I had to go somewhere early next morning. Summer break finally came, and we decided to stay up there for three days alone. Will needed up wanting to come too. We all drove in two separate cars. The view from their cabin was beautiful. There were hardly any other houses at the lake. I asked why.

    "We do have a neighbor, but he is pretty far away. They use their property and ours to make moonshine. They have scared other people out of living here. They will often kill animals and leave them on other people's property. My dad has found supplies for making moonshine too on our property. They might be a little crazy, so that's why we keep these shotguns." He said and pointed to two shotguns by the door.

    "That and for shooting raccoons and turkeys." He laughed.

    When Will arrived, we headed out on his boat. I had no luck, just a few bites. neither did Will. But Sam caught 2 fish. Will and Sam got into an argument over if we should keep the fish or throw it back. They argued all the time. It must have been a twin thing. Sam ended up keeping the fish, much to Will's demise. We talked about things most guy teenagers would talk about, like girls, and sports, and video games. We saw no other boats out on the lake that day. Eventually the blue sky turned purple as the day went on. The horizon became streaked with red and orange.

    "It's getting dark, we should start to head back. I wanna cook these bass." Sam said. We all agreed and headed back on the jon boat. Once we got back we decided to relax and watch a new movie Will bought on the way up. We were too tired and lazy to clean and cook the fish, so we decided to drive to a subway about 25 minutes away. On the way back I listened to the closely to sounds of the summer night. I heard crickets, frogs, and owls. But no coyotes. When Sam told me that story about the coyotes, I didn't actually believe him. But it could have just been a quiet night.

    For me, driving down a dirt road can be an uneasy and sometimes scary experience . The only light coming from your headlights. Tree branches grabbing at your car like long arms with claws. I can just imagine coming up on something in the middle of the road. Just standing there, eyes gleaming in the headlights. Of course, I didn't spend much time out in the countryside. So my imagination could run pretty wild.

    After finishing our dinner and movie, we decided to cook s'more outside the side of the cabin. Wylie told a story about how he shout a bobcat last week. It surprised him when he walking through the woods. It had its two ears pointed up, and it's lips were drawn back in a snarl, showing off it's fangs. But unfortunately for the bobcat, he was carrying a shotgun with him.

    Even thought I had been in dark forests before, this one felt a little odd. It just wasn't the same. Too quiet and eerie.

    "If you really think there are moonshine makers up here, then why don't you call the police or something?" I asked Will and Sam.

    "They don't really bother us too much. We don't mess with them, they don't mess with us. Sometimes they will try to scare us, but we just let it go. The whole moonshine maker part is speculation anyway. Just a theory because of some tools we have found on our property before. Plus, they make the nights quieter anyway." Will responded.

    "Alright, but how come no one else ever called the police before leaving the lake?" I continued.

    "Most people don't know about the moonshine makers. We only because of how close we live to the supposed house. It's also rare for them to actually kill and leave a coyote on someone's property. Sure some of them did call someone. But they had little evidence to go on. They mostly assumed it was poachers. Some people put out trail cameras, but still didn't see anything. At least that's what I've heard from my dad." Wylie continued back.

    "How would they even catch the coyotes?" I prodded even more.

    "Well they would probably use traps. Will responded with a smartass tone.

    "But we have never found any traps up here. Who knows, maybe there are no moonshine makers, just a bigger predator out there, claiming his territory."

    "Why do care so much anyway? It's not going to affect us while we're up here." Sam said.

    "I'm just curious. It's pretty suspicious if you ask me." I replied.

    While they were cleaning up the s'mores, I stared off into the night. The Stars were amazing out here. I even thought I heard a coyote off in the distance, and then I thought I heard it whimper even louder. After a while I grew tired and headed back into the cabin to get some sleep.

    I woke up bright and early the next day to fish on the lake again. We also swam and just drove around on the boat when we became bored. Sam and Will also had an old kneeboard. We hooked it up to the Jon boat, but the resulting experience wasn't all that great. We found a ropeswing and had a little fun with that. Around 3:00, Wylie decided to check the gas; it was almost empty. We headed back to the cabin to fill it up.

    "At the edge of your property, there is a pond we can fish at. They aren't as big as the fish in the lake. But they are easier to catch. Do you wanna go?" Sam asked me.

    "Sure." I replied

    "Will, do you want to come with us?" I asked.

    "Nah, I'm too tired to fish anymore, I'm just gonna chill at the house." He told me as he spit into the water.

    Once we got back, me and Sam packed all our rods and headed out to the pond.

    After some dispute, we decided to go on my car because it was nicer and newer. Sam also brought the second shotgun, because there was a small range there too. It was about a 30 minute drive. mostly because of how windy the road was on his property. Once we got there, we hurriedly jumped out of the cars, slamming the doors behind us. Sam and I both walked around the pond. While he was checking a little shack by the edge of the woods, I went back to the car to get everything out. I grabbed the door handle, but the door wouldn't budge. Locking the car door was a habit for me, since I lived in a city where cars were broken into a lot. I reached in my pockets for my keys, but they weren't there.

    Oh Shit... I thought. I immediately came to the conclusion that I had looked my keys in the car. They keys buttons were broken, so I had to lock the car manually from the inside. I could have set them down or dropped them while I was doing that, and been to excited to notice. Sam was walking back towards me now.

    "Um Sam, we might be in a little trouble, I think I may have locked my keys in my... Uh car. " I said. I almost laughed because of how stupid I had been. I had never done this before.

    "Are you kidding me? Please tell me you're joking!" Sam replied.

    "Well I did walk around so there is a possibility they could have fallen out of my pocket or something." I told him

    "Please look for it then!" Sam said back. We split up and looked around the areas I had walked, but found nothing.

    "If we can't find them, they gotta be in my car." I sighted.

    "What the fuck!" Sam replied angrily.

    "I'm sorry, I must have dropped them when I was getting out of the car."

    "And you didn't notice?"

    "I wasn't paying attention to that at all."

    After about 5 minutes of bickering back and forth, Sam walked back to the shack. He came back out with a small, plastic, crappy, fishing rod.

    "We can still fish, but we are going to have to take turns. We are also going to have to leave early so we can get back to the cabin before dark." Sam told me

    We took turns with the rod, but didn't catch anything. Sam was still mad at me , but had begun to calm down. We fished until the treetops around us became streaked with orange.

    "We don't have any light out here, so we gotta start walking back now." Sam said.

    I agreed. I didn't know what I was going to do about my car. I had a spare key at my house. But I would have to drive all the way to my house and back, an almost 5 hour commute. The orange sky, turned to purple, and the purple to black. The woods turned from beautiful to ominous. Our only light was the moon hanging high in the sky. The woods came alive with sounds. I heard crunching on the leaves, and shuddered at the thought of something following us. There was a screech far off in the distance.

    "W-what was t-that?" I stuttered.

    "Probably just a bobcat." Sam replied. He tried to act cool, but I could tell he was scared. I'm not a person that is scared easily. I can sit thought any horror movie and not be affected. But this was different. Those stories that I had heard about the coyotes were real... Or so I thought. Plus this whole lake felt strange. Even now I felt like we were being watched. There was nothing we could do if something attacked us. I picked up my pace a little and Spangler followed. I heard a long howl.

    "That's the first time I've heard a coyote in years." Sam replied. Eventually we reached a big clearing on a hill. There was nothing but a single tree in the middle, and the old abandoned cabin. . As we came closer, I noticed something off about the tree. There appeared to be something under the tree.

    "Ah Sam, take a look at this." I poked him and pointed at tree.

    "Oh shit!" Sam said and took off running towards the tree. I followed him. As we came up under it, we had just enough light from the moon to tell what it was. It was a freshly killed coyote. Ripped open down the middle and gutted.

    What if this was the whimpering I heard last night? I thought to myself. My thoughts were interrupted by a noise coming from the edge of the clearing. It sounded like heavy footsteps. Something was walking back towards this clearing. Sam and I looked at each other and took off running. I don't know how long we ran, but our adrenaline kept our legs pumping.

    We came to the little slope in the road and saw the lights of the cabin in the distance. Now I started to feel the affects ands streets to cramp, but that didn't stop me. I ran thought the door and collapsed on the floor. Sam followed me after. Will, who had been sitting on the couch watching TV, looked at us with shock.

    "What the hell happened to y'all?"

    "Coyote... dead..." I tried to get words under my loud breathing.

    It took me a while, but I regained my breath and sat on the couch to rest.

    Sam had stood up and asked over and locked the doors to the cabin.

    "Something is out there in the woods. We saw a dead coyote. One that hasn't been dead long. We need to leave now." Sam told Will.

    "Slow down; why were y'all running? Where is the car?" He asked.

    "Genius over there locked his keys in the car, and we had to walk back. Sam was now packing his things in his bag.

    "Hold up, we can't just leave in the middle of the night, we gotta clean up this lake house a little, or dad is gonna be super pissed." Will said.

    "I don't care what dad thinks, I care about what is out there right now."

    They got into one of there long arguments; and I was just was just sitting on the couch, trying to take everything in.

    There argument was interrupted by a large noise outside. Will and Sam stopped arguing and Will picked up one of the shotguns by the side door.

    "Wylie, do not go out there!" Sam was practically screaming now.

    He ignored him and went out the door, cocking the shotgun. Sam did not follow. A long silence was interrupted by a loud bang, followed by silence. Sam grabbed and loaded a pistol that had been Ina drawer. We heard footsteps coming towards the door. Sam aimed. Will stepped into the door, holding a shotgun in one hand and a dead raccoon in the other.

    "It was just raccoons guys. Put down the pistol"

    Sam set it down. I could tell he was very much freaked out by this whole incident.

    After much dispute, we decided to stay the night and leave in the morning. I slept In a room across from Sam in the hallway. Will slept in the master bedroom, which was still only the same size as ours. The only difference being that the enter entrance was from the living room instead of the hallway. Sam took the pistol in his room with him. I followed by getting into my own room. The sheets were dirty here, but I didn't really care about that anymore. If it weren't for how tired I was, I probably wouldn't have gotten any sleep that night. For a while, I just laid in my bed listening to the crickets chirping. But as I lay there, I couldn't help but notice another, the sound of footsteps on dirt and gravel as they circled the cabin.







    I woke up to the sound of thunder. It was heavily raining outside. But there was another sound. The sound of something barely banging or scratching at one of the doors to the cabin. It was barely audible over the storm. I took me a moment to process what was happening. I jumped up, but not before I heard a bang louder than thunder.

    It had broken in! I jumped back into my bed and looked around the room. There was no where to hide but the closet. Which wasn't really much of a place to hide itself. I heard footsteps walking around the kitchen. I could hear my heart pounding in my chest. Then I noticed something. My bed was close to the wall, but not right next to it. There was a small opening in between that I could barely fit into too. This was my best chance, so I took it. My breathing was so loud, I would probably give away my position if the creature came in here. But it never did. The footsteps eventually stopped. There was no more sound except for the tapping of rain and the occasional thunder. I lay there for what felt like hours. Finally I gathered enough nerve to stand up. I grabbed a small pocket knife out of my bag. It was the only thing I had to defend myself here. I slowly crept toward ,t door and pushed it open. Silence was the only response. I creeped down the hallway and peeked into the main room. The door was open and almost unhinged all the way. Rain was coming in hard and the floor was soaking wet. I quickly turned around and headed back to the hallway. I had to tell the others. Will's door was already wide open. This was strange, as I could have sworn he left it cracked last night. A sense of dread came over as I stepped into his room. There was no one in his bed.

    "Sam! Get in here now!" I shouted, then followed by running into his room. He had somehow slept through the whole thing.

    "Wake up man." I started pushing him.

    "W-what?" He said drowsily as he got up.

    "It's Will, he's not in his bed."

    "So what? Maybe he went to go fishing early." He said, still hall asleep."

    "Do you here the storm? Something broke in and I must have taken him."

    "Stop messing with me."

    "I swear to God, check his room." Sam finally got up and walked out into the main room.

    "What the hell?" His mouth dropped when he saw the unhinged door. Once he saw Will wasn't in his room, he frantically searched the cabin.

    "Dude, he isn't going to be hiding in a closet. I heard the thing that took him. We need to leave this place now." I tried telling him, but he wouldn't listen. He opened the door to the porch and stepped outside.

    "Will! Will!" He kept screaming.

    "We need to leave now and get the police or the thing might come back for us." I grabbed his shoulder and turned him around. He had tears in his eyes. My heart sank, this was brother after all. I didn't know what to say to him.

    "Fine, we get the fuck out of here now, and come back. We will come back." Sam finally spoke. Then I remembered something Will had told me. The driveway to the cabin is sloped on a hill, coming at the house sideways. It was also all dirt. When it rained, it all became very muddy. And unless you have a very powerful car, then you can't get out.

    I ran to the front door and out to the driveway. Just like I had expected, driveway had turned into a mudbath. Sam's truck was an old 2-wheel drive, so that left Will's as the only option. The only problem was, we had no idea where the key was. I told Spangler this and we tore up the whole cabin looking for, but had no luck.

    We were stuck here. Sam was now almost fully crying. I couldn't blame him. We were sitting ducks in here.

    "So what now, do we have to walk?" I asked.

    "We don't have any other choice, and we don't have time to wait out the storm." He replied. I was looking past him down at the lake when an idea popped into my head.

    "The boat! Let's take the boat! We could find someone at there house up here, or the marina." I became a little cheerful at the thought. But then I thought about the storm. Being stranded on the middle of a lake with lighting and wind did not sound like a good outcome. But it was better than possibly having to face whatever was out in the forest.

    "That's a horrible idea, that's one of the worst storms I've ever seen out there." Sam must have been reading my mind.

    "Do you really want to confront the thing that took your brother. We don't even know if it's human."

    "Don't give me that bullshit."

    "You've seen the door. No human could be big enough to do that and still be as sneaky as it was taking your brother."

    "You don't know if it took him. He could be outside somewhere."

    "Like where? His car is here, where on Earth would he go?"

    "I don't know." Sam was slowly starting to face the possible truth.

    He finally agreed to take the boat. I took my pocket knife, but didn't worry about anything else. I was just worried about getting the hell out of this place. It took a while for him to crank the lift down. But once he did, we hurriedly left the dock.

    Once we got out into the open water, I felt this was no better than our situation before. The sky itself looked menacing. It was filled with dark pointed clouds. We constantly saw lighting streak across the sky. And the night amount of rain made the visibility awful. But the worst problem was the waves. The boat was quickly taking on water. We hadn't even gone that far when my ankles were already submerged.

    "I knew this was a bad idea!" Sam yelled at me. I didn't respond. I couldn't help but agree with him. We were barely able to sit in the boat, and we constantly had to lean to keep it from flipping.

    "We need to just..." Sam's voice was cut off by a large wave hitting the boat. This was to much for us and it toppled the small vessel. I felt myself go underwater and was spun around for a few time. I emerged back on top of the water, but the waves were constantly hitting my face. I could not see anything and could barely breathe.

    "S-Sam! Sam!" I tried to call out but my mouth kept filling up with water. The current was pulling me quickly away, and I could not see Sam or the boat. I was a descent swimmer, but this was a nightmare. I could barely keep my head above water. The big waves would sometimes pick me up and carry me. I could make out that I was being carried to the shore. I felt relieved at first, but then panicked when I saw a group of halfway submerged trees in front of me. Slamming into one would not feel good, so I tried to swim away. But it was hopeless. A big wave picked me up and carried me headfirst into one of the biggest ones. Then everything went black.


    My eyes shot open. I was looking up at a cloudy sky and the tops of trees. I could hear bird in the background.

    Ouch, my head hurts a lot. Then everything came back to me

    Sam! I jumped up and looked around. I was a dirt beach. There was the lake in front of me and nothing but trees behind me.

    Great I thought. I was lost in the middle of nowhere now. At least the storm had stopped. I rubbed the spot on my forehead where it was hurting. Just I had thought, there was a huge bump. I looked back towards the forest behind me. It was thick, but I had no choice but to go into it. I started heading right, towards where I assumed the cabin was. I stopped when I heard a blood-curling screech from that direction. It sent shivers down my spine. I changed my direction and headed left, away from whatever had made that God-awful noise. There were other houses on the lake, and If I kept walking, then I would probably come up on one.

    The dirt beach was only a little patch, so I couldn't walk on the shoreline. The forest was dense and hard to walk through. I kept walking into spiderwebs. And branches scratched at me. I was fearful I would step on a snake, but a much bigger fear kept me going. Every now and then, the woods would clear up, and I actually had room to breathe. But that was rare. As I walked, I couldn't stop thinking about Wylie and Spangler. Where were they? What would I say when I came back alone? That someone or something was stalking us, and possibly took one of us? But these were the least of my worries. I just wanted to get out this place right now.

    My heart jumped when I saw flashes of white through the trees. It had to be the side of some building. I took of running. The trees needed and I was standing at the edge of field. There was a big 2-story white house in the middle, just as I had thought.

    It had a path leading to a dock on the lakehouse, and an old white van in the parking lot.

    That meant someone was there. But as I got closer, I noticed something off about the house. The yard was horribly overgrown, and vines crept up the walls of the house. It looked like no one had been here in a while. The door was wide open. I came up to it and knocked anyway. No response. I tried several more times before deciding to walk in.

    "Hello? Anyone here? I need help. I think someone took my friends." I called out. But once again. Nothing but Crickets answered. I made my way to the main room, and I almost jumped at what I saw. There was a big bookshelf across the middle of the room. Only there weren't books on it. Instead, there were bottles of all sizes holding liquids of all types. That's when it hit me. These were the neighbors Will and Sam had told me about. I didn't think anyone was home now, which was odd because of the car. Unless that meant that thing was the person... I didn't tread on the thought. I needed to find a phone, or keys, or something.

    I slowly heard upstairs. This whole place was dirty and dusty, like no one had been here for while. And there was this god-awful smell. After finding nothing upstairs, I headed back downstairs. My heart skipped a beat when I noticed something I had missed earlier. All over the floor was dry blood. It looked like it wasn't even red anymore; almost brown. It was a trail too. A trail leading to the door and out.

    What the hell happened here. This place was worse than the forest. The main room's entire floor was the color of the blood. At first I had thought that was just the paint. I noticed another door open. I got closer and and saw stairs leading down to a dark room. More blood followed down it. I was scared but I needed to check down there for more supplies. Possibly a gun, or a knife, or anything that could protect me. I slowly walked down the stairs. The smell only got worse. Whatever it was, it was coming from down here. I got to the bottom and peered around. There was just enough light coming rom upstairs to make out what was down here. The smell was stronger than ever, and was by far the worst thing I have ever smelled. It didn't take long for me to find the source. At first I thought it was someone sleeping, but I gasped in horror once I got closer. On the floor lay two decaying corpses. There torsos were ripped wide open, most of the there intestines had been ripped out. The skin on there faces and arms was rotting. One of them's throats was ripped open; Maggots were crawling all over them. I turned around and vomited. There skin wasn't cut prescient like a knife would do, it was ripped, like t was done by claws or teeth. No human could do this. I mean, no human would do this. One of them had a revolver clutched in his hand still. I reluctantly pulled it out. His flesh making a tearing sound as I pulled it out. I normally go hunting, so I'm used to blood and gore, but this, this was too much.

    Unfortunately, there was nothing in the gun. I set it down with disappointment. Then I noticed something on the other body. Strapped to its side was a long machete. I pulled it out of it's sheathe. It was rusted, but still sharp. I also noticed a box of matches sticking out of the body's pocket. I pulled it out, carefully avoiding making contact with the flesh, if you could call it that. I opened it open, and thankfully, the box was half way full. Looks like not everything was going wrong today.

    I began to head back to the staircase, but stopped. The birds had stopped chirping. Everything was quiet. Almost everything. I thought I heard something. The sound of floorboard creaking. But it wasn't the normal kind of creaking. No, this was the sound of something walking. I listened a little longer to make sure I wasn't hearing things. I wasn't, something was definitely walking around upstairs. Fear flooded my heart. My breathing picked up. If the thing came down here, I would have no way to get out. I would have to fight my way out. I listened closer. It was moving around slowly. I thought I may have heard a growl too. Then I noticed something different about the footsteps. I could barely make it out; but there was no mistaking the sound of footsteps on staircase. And it wasn't getting closer either. The thing was going upstairs.

    This was my chance, I quietly, but hurriedly made my way up the stairs and out of the basement . I was walking out of the main room and to the door when an idea struck me. I looked over at the shelf of alcohol. Quickly, I grabbed a few bottles, in case I would need them later. Then I used all my strength to push the whole thing over. There was a large crash followed by alcohol sweeping over the floor. The thing definitely heard that, because I heard him moving quickly. I pulled out the matches and tried to strike one, to no prevail. The thing was now quickly rushing down the stairs. I tried again and fire lit up at the red tip. I immediately responded by dropping it and running. I quickly felt the heat at my back as leapt out of the door.

    I turned around to see most of the building already on fire, smoke leaking out of the windows. Nothing followed me out of the flames. It didn't take long for the fire to spread to the rest of the budding; the flames reaching towards the air like claws grasping for prey. Maybe it was just the sound of the house burning, but I could barely make out a moaning sound, coming from inside the hell-shack. I didn't stick around the to watch the show. The was orange, like the flames, but now it was turning purple. Eventually the purple consumed the sky, and night took over day. I didn't stop walking. I wasn't even sure exactly where I was walking. I had picked a direction I assumed was the cabin, and gone from there. It was a full moon, so I wasn't at lest boding running around a forest. I could still make out a little smoke from the fire, but it was harder now at night. At one point I felt a sting on my arm. My instant reaction shaking off whatever was causing it. A spider fell to a tree stump below me. I could barely make it out in the moonlight. I used to hate spiders.Was a little scared of them too. Something so unnatural about their look. That's all you had to normally worry about in a forest here. Spiders and snakes. But this was a different forest, and I was not worried about these creatures witch seemed like nothing now.

    I walked for a very long time. Much longer than I did earlier. Eventually my legs grew weary, and I had to rest. I sat a tree stump and thought. Even if I had set that thing on fire, it barely helped my situation. I was lost. By now the smoke was gone, so I had no direction. The quiet night was interrupted by a piercing screech. This was similar to the one I heard earlier; but louder, angrier. And it was close too. It sent shivers down my spine. That was when I knew for sure. I was being hunted.


    The moon had raised to it's high point, and begun to drop back down. Fueled by fear, I kept walking. I figured I had to hit some civilization at one point. This county wasn't completely abandoned. It didn't hear anything else from the creature again. I didn't know if that was good or bad. I constantly heard leaves crunched, twigs cracking; but I had no idea what was causing it. At one point a deer jumped in front of me. I had almost taken off into a sprint before I recognized it. I wanted to stop and sleep, but I knew this thing was angry, and it wouldn't stop. It obviously had a great sense of smell, so there was no point in trying to hide either. I had come to a rut.

    The only thing I could do was keep walking, so walk I did. Just when I had begun to give up hope, I saw something that changed my mind. Through the decades of the trees, I could see water. I knew it was water because I could of the moon light reflecting off of it. I broke off into a sprint. Branches kept waking my face, but I didn't care. Once it came into full view, I realized that this want just any body of water. It was the pond me and Sam had been too the other day. And my car was still sitting there. I felt like I wanted to shout with relief. It's like something, someone out there was helping me.

    I burst into a sprint with what little energy I had left to reach there. I grabbed the handle and pulled, only to remember that it was locked. But I wasn't gonna give up. I hadn't made it this far just die a door away from freedom. Ideas ran through my head why I frantically looked around. My eyes landed on a set of descent sized rocks. They were in a circle, like a border for a camp fire. I knew what I had to do. I quickly picked one up and headed back to the car. But then I stopped. If I did this, this forest would be blasted with the loud sound of the car alarm. And in this quiet night, it would be heard for miles. And then that thing would surely be alerted of my position. But this was my best hope. I brought down the rock as hard as I could on the window of the driver's door. A loud crack was immediately followed by an even louder repeating honk.

    I reached in an manually pulled up the lock, then I flung the door open. Not wasting any time, I grabbed the keys, which had been laying in the seat, and jabbed them into the ignition. I turned my hand and the engine roared up, ending the obnoxious alarm. The alarm had still gone off for a solid 10 seconds. Any creatures in the surrounding woods would have heard it loud and clear. I hopped in the car, remembering to take the bottles of alcohol with me.

    Sam's shotgun was still sitting in the backseat, shells right next to it. I grabbed it and loaded it as fast I could. Now I wasn't must some helpless prey. I clicked on my brights and headed down the dark dirt road. I drove for a while in silence. The moon had gone behind some clouds, and hadn't bothered to come back out. Now, other than my headlights, I was in pitch black darkness. It took a while until I recognized where I was. Once I saw a tree that fallen over, I knew I was by the field with the old house. The same field where me and Sam had been chased a couple nights ago. But that also meant I was close to the main road. My thoughts were interrupted when something came into the bright white beams of my headlights. A feature had been standing in the middle of the road. Something muscular and covered in a fur coat. But it wasn't a deer or a coyote. This was bigger. It stood on its hind legs. Long arms came down to its knees. At the end of each were paws with a set of long claws. The head came to a long snout. It's lips were drawn back in a snarl, showing long and sharp fangs. It had pointed ears like a big cat. It's eyes were black and soulless. It's fur was short, and there were a few patches that showed burn marks. I was frozen with shock. It let out a growl before moving to my car. It walked light on its feet. The thing towered over the car, and had to be at least 10 feet.

    It slammed it's arms down on the hood of the car, denting it and causing the car to shake. I came to my senses and reached for the shotgun. Smoke was now coming from the engine. I aimed and fired. The glass shattered and the creature stepped back, letting out a growl of pain. I pumped and fired again. Blood splattered me and then car. The creature fell on its back. Wherever I hit it, it had worked. I pushed the gas pedal, but the only response was a clicking sound from the smoking engine. I grabbed the bottles and jumped out of the car. My adrenaline was pumping and my first thought was to run away. I listened and took off down the road, leaving the creature and the car behind me. I quickly came to the field and took off running through it. I needed to reload the shotgun, but I didn't want to stop in a wide open area. My ears were ringing and my head was spinning. But the moon had back come and I could at least see. I saw the old abandoned house and headed there. The side of the wall was torn down, so I stepped in and sat down.

    My head started to clear and I put three more shells into the bottom of the shotgun. That's when I noticed the smell. The same smell as earlier, but stronger. The smell of death. The moonlight was shinning through the small cabin, so I I could see all around it. It was overgrown and full of cobwebs. The wood was rotting, and filled with termites. The back half of the house had also collapsed. I made my to what I assumed was the kitchen. Old shelves lined the walls. Half of it was filled with collapsed wood. Then I noticed a big hole in the collapsed wood. Big enough for someone or something to crawl through. It seemed to be the source of the smell, so I climbed through it. It led me down a tunnel to a room. If I had eaten anything recently, I most definitely would have threw it all back up. There was enough moonlights seeping through to see a little bit of the cave. And the first thing that had come into my sight was a body. A body that had been mutilated and gutted.

    It's face was to mangled to see, but I could tell who it was from the height. Will, or Sam. One of them had meet a grisly fate. A whole was ripped down the middle, and the body's organs were still hanging out. Fresh blood seeped out slowly too. Claw marks and bite marks were all over the body. One arm had been torn off. I could see the bone poking out of a fleshy stump, and I could tell where it had snapped clean through. I felt tears roll down my face. Will and Sam were my best friends. And this thing had taken them from me, and everyone else. Then I noticed the other corpses too. Thankfully it was to dark too see the details of most of them, but the room was full of them. I could make out some skeletons. They appeared to be of Deere, cats or coyotes. I took a step back and stepped on something squishy. I felt a cold liquid run over my feet and jumped away. That's when I noticed the moonlight begin to fade away. There was a large shadow blocking the exit. I thought I was seeing things, but then the shadow moved and my heart sank. I had foolishly left the shotgun in the kitchen, and I was cornered now. I was tired of this and began to accept my fate when I felt something in my pocket.I still had a bottle of alcohol in my pocket. I pulled it out and chunked it at the slow moving shadow. There a crack followed by a growl, and the shadow began to move faster. Still backing up, I pulled out the matches and struck one on the side of the box. With the little light it emitted I could make out the ugly face of the creature.

    "You like fire, asshole!" I sneered and chunked the match at the shadow. The room was immediately lit up by a ball of flame. The creature screeched in pain and agony. I tried to run past it but it reached out and grabbed my arm. His arm was on fire, and his claws sunk deep into my arm. I screamed in pain. Blood gushed out, but was quickly dried by the fire. I remembered my pocket knife, pulled it out, and began stabbing away. After few jabs, the creature finally let go and I fell back. I turned around and ran, not even bothering to see the affects of the flames. I felt the claws barely miss my back as stumbled back up the tunnel.

    I came back to the kitchen and remembered to grab the shotgun before running out. I heard a pop as my foot caught and I face planted into the hard wood. Pain shot through my ankle. My foot had caught on a raised up floorboard. Ignoring the pain, I got up and continued to make my way out. But I could only half-limp, half-jog. I didn't stop till I got outside the home. Once I was a good distance away, I stopped to look back at the cabin. Nothing had followed me back out. I readied the shotgun and waited some more. But I was only met with the orange filled wave of sunrise peaking over the tops of the trees. The chirping songs of birds filled the once-silent woods. Gras gleamed in the sunlight.

    I sat down next to my car, covered with blood. Nature can be so beautiful, I thought as I saw two young turkeys cross the field. They quickly turned around and ran back once they came close to the old cabin. I got up and rummaged through the back of my car and pulled out a fishing rod. Strange, I used to hate fishing as a kid, but now I found it... Relaxing. You, alone with nature. Away from the stresses of the world. I hooked my bait, watching as it tore through the flesh of the worm. It squirmed, helpless under a much larger creature. I never got a chance to fish at the pond. And I heard that the fish in there were plentiful and huge. Carrying only the rod, I headed off through the field, sunlight beaming through the trees.

      Loading editor
    • I did not get completely through yet but here are some of the issues I see from the first part.

      Spelling: "I loved hunting thought" should be "though"

      Grammer: "probably use traps. Will said - open parenthesis "Slow down...Where is the car?" He - you have to be careful with this in writing. If you use a non proper noun like "they, he,she" after dialogue it needs to be lowercase.

      Wording: there is a lot of awkward wording through out the story. Try to think of how you could make a line sound better before writting it. Never begin a sentence with "And".

        Loading editor
    • There are a lot of issues here, in fact, I was getting ready to delete the story when Jay beat me to the punch. I would suggest reading this carefully as there are numerous capitalization, punctuation, wording, grammar, and story issues here. I'm only including a few examples, but everything I'm about to cite aren't the only issues present.

      Capitalization: Improperly capitalized words. "There was a small john deer (proper nouns need proper capitalization) fishing boat parked in this dock.", "Will Ended up coming up later to fish too.", "we decided to drive to a subway (Subway) about 25 minutes away.", "Oh Shit... I thought.", "The Stars were amazing out here", etc. You also improperly capitalize words after dialogue. "it scared the shit out of me." He (he) told me.", ""that's why we keep these shotguns." He (he) said", "That and for shooting raccoons and turkeys." He (he) laughed.", etc.

      Punctuation: You tend to use periods improperly in dialogue. ""Some old man used to live there, he died in that house.(,)" Sam said.", ""That's a little creepy.(,)" I responded"", "it scared the shit out of me.(,)" He told me.", etc.. "For me, driving down a dirt road can be an uneasy and sometimes scary experience ."

      Punctuation issues cont.: You also forget to punctuate sentences and dialogue properly. ""That's a little creepy." I responded(.)" ""Well they would probably use traps.(,") Will responded with a smartass tone.", ""Sure." I replied(.)", "we can get back to the cabin before dark." Sam told me(period missing)", ""Genius over there locked his keys in the car, and we had to walk back.(") Sam was now packing his things in his bag.", ""So what? Maybe he went to go fishing early." He said, still hall asleep."(quotation not needed)", etc.

      Wording: "It was a perfume experience for me as a little kid" Did you mean perfect? "Will and Sam where (were) my two best friends since preschool." "The front side of the house had a porch that extended across the small house (Redundant)" "Sam ended up keeping the fish, much to Will's demise." How exactly did keeping the fish lead Will to dying? "They appeared to be of Deere, cats or coyotes." I think you mean deer and not the company here.

      Wording cont.: ""If we can't find them, they gotta be in my car." I sighted. (cited?)", "Now I started to feel the affects (effects) ands (and) streets (start) to cramp", "A whole was ripped down the middle", "Ideas ran through my head why I frantically looked around.", "I reached in an manually pulled up the lock", etc. I'm sorry, but there are over a dozen other instances of typos, improperly used words, and homophone issues.

      Grammar: It's=it is, its=possession. "Blood had poured out of it's mouth. And it's eyes had seemed dark", "It's face was to (sic)mangled to see", "it's lips were drawn back in a snarl, showing off it's fangs", etc. There are at least half-a-dozen other instances of you using the contraction when you should be using the possessive form. Their=possession, there=indicatory, they're=they are. "There argument was interrupted by a large noise outside." There are a lot of other mechanical issues here, but I'd like to move on to the story issues rather than make multiple other paragraphs highlighting the other errors that are present throughout.

      Story issues: "I had to shoot it three times. My first bullet had hit the spine, causing the deer to flip out." As a hunter, this line feels off. Generally being shot in the spine paralyzes an animal (it's the nervous system after all) so it feels off to describe the animal as being shot in the spine and then freaking out.

      Story issues cont.: There is a lot of un-necessary padding here. While I enjoy a little build-up before the horror starts, this is excessive. There are over two dozen paragraphs before you really get into any of the horror or conflict in the story. The ghost story about the old man just seems tacked on and doesn't really enhance the story at all since it really is only mentioned once or twice and never brought up again.

      Story issues cont.: Speaking of padding, there seems to be a lot of superfluous and awkwardly worded sentences. "The moon had raised to it's high point, and begun to drop back down.", "Then I noticed the other corpses too. Thankfully it was to dark too see the details of most of them, but the room was full of them." This line comes off as odd as you graphically describe the corpse of your friend in the same room. It feels odd that the moonlight would light up the room to see one thing but not another. That doesn't mean you need to describe the bodies twice, but using the excuse that it's too dark doesn't really work as the protagonist previously shows that it isn't dark in the cabin.

      Story issues cont.: You could also work a bit on your descriptions as some are pretty generic. "The main room's entire floor was the color of the blood. At first I had thought that was just the paint. I noticed another door open. I got closer and and saw stairs leading down to a dark room. More blood followed down it", "I aimed and fired. The glass shattered and the creature stepped back, letting out a growl of pain. I pumped and fired again. Blood splattered me and then car. The creature fell on its back.", etc.

      Story issues end: The ending needs a lot of work. "I sat down next to my car, covered with blood. Nature can be so beautiful, I thought as I saw two young turkeys cross the field. They quickly turned around and ran back once they came close to the old cabin." The protagonist just escaped after being attack by the monster and coming across the corpses of his friends. Why exactly is he sitting by his car and admiring nature? It really comes out of left field and seems kind of ridiculous. ("Man, nature is beautiful. The death of my friends and the traumatic experience surely won't haunt me.")

      There are other issues, but I think this is enough for now to illustrate that there is a lot of work needing to be done here. I think this is going to need a massive amount of revision, cutting superfluous content, proof-reading, and getting feedback before this story is up to quality standards and ready for the deletion appeal.

        Loading editor
    • Read your rebuttal, but it really didn't help much with the story. You should be alluding and referencing these things in the story itself rather than adding and explaining it in an addendum (especially since the coyote killing could simply be nature preying on nature.) If you have to explain it to someone later, then you're not really doing a good job with the story.

      As for the deer scene, the issue is the word usage: "My first bullet had hit the spine, causing the deer to flip out." 'Flip out' is a pretty nondescript thing that could range from twitching spasmodically (like I assume you're implying) or running all over the place. A major problem seems to be that you're not explaining things or leaving evidence that connects to anything you implied on my talk page. You can say that your story has this rich subtext, but the fact is, without your explanation on my talk page, it just came off as a pretty generic monster in the woods story that is riddled with errors..

        Loading editor
    • Tide16
      Tide16 removed this reply because:
      accident put in all italics
      15:10, July 26, 2016
      This reply has been removed
    • First revision

         When I was a kid, I used to hate fishing. I couldn't stand sitting there in a boat for hours, doing nothing; but occasionally catching fish. I loved hunting thought, especially deer hunting. It was very big where I lived. And my first deer I killed was one of my most vivid memories. I had to shoot it three times. My first bullet had hit the spine, causing the deer to convulse violently. My second bullet hit the lungs, and I thought for sure I had killed it. But once I got to the deer, it was still breathing; and I had to shoot it in the heart only a few feet away. Blood had poured out of its mouth. And its eyes had seemed dark and soulless after it died. I had felt almost numb after that. A sort of numbness that encompasses you wholly. It just felt wrong to have to put another living animal through that suffering. It was a horrifying experience for me as a little kid.  

          I still loved the woods, and the countryside. Down here it was usually miles of pines and maple trees. I also loved them for there mysterious elements. There are many ghost stories, and stories of who knows what out there prowling the dark forests. Stuff like this had always fascinated me. 

          As I got older, I began to like fishing even more. There was something about being alone with nature. Away from all the stresses of the world. I didn't have a farm, so I could only do something when someone invited me. Will and Sam where my two best friends since preschool. They were twins too. We did everything together. Played sports, video games, watched tv shows. As I got older, I began to develop more friendships. But Will and Sam owned two or three farms, and would always take me hunting and fishing. There was one farm on a rural lake, used for fishing, but we never went up there. We would always go to his other farm, to hunt. 

        When I turned 16, I was only allowed to drive to school and back. A few months later.     Sam invited me to go fishing at a lake about an hour north of where I lived. Surprisingly my parents said yes. After fishing at this lake, we decided to drive north and head to his lake house. It was only the second time I had been there. It was an old wooden cabin. The living room and the kitchen made one big room. While the living room area opened to a small hallway, with 3 bedrooms and a bathroom. There was small tv in the living room, an old one with a box. The front side of the house had a porch that extended across the small house. Because the house was on a hill, there was about an 8 to 10 foot drop off the porch and into the water. The porch had a staircase on the side which led to a small dock. There was a small jon boat parked in this dock. 

                   Will ended up coming up later to fish too. When I was younger, Sam was the shyer one, so I was closer to Will. When we started to get older, Will changed. He started to become more stern and serious. Sam remained the same, so I hung out with him more. Driving on the property, I noticed an old run down house by the dirt road. 

      "Some old man used to live there, he died in that house,” Sam said.       

      "That's a little creepy,” I responded. 

      "Even better, his wife died mysteriously and it was rumored that he killed her. My dad used to give him fish he caught to eat. We also let him hunt our property. He especially loved to predator hunt. When I was a kid, my cousins made me walk to that house at 12 at night alone, it scared the shit out of me,” he told me. We continued down the road to his house to fish for the day. I considered spending the night, but I couldn't. My parents said I had to go somewhere early next morning. 

         Summer break finally came, and we decided to stay up there for three days alone. Will ended up wanting to come too. We all drove in two separate cars. The view from their cabin was beautiful. There were hardly any other houses at the lake. I asked why. 

      "We do have a neighbor, but he is pretty far away. They also use their property and ours to make moonshine. They have scared other people out of living here. They will often kill animals and leave them on other people's property. My dad has found supplies for making moonshine too on our property. They might be a little crazy, so that's why we keep these shotguns,” he said and pointed to two shotguns by the door. 

      "That and for shooting raccoons and turkeys,” he laughed. 

         When Will arrived, we headed out on his boat. I had no luck, just a few bites. neither did Will. But Sam caught 2 fish. Will and Sam got into an argument over if we should keep the fish or throw it back. They argued all the time. It must have been a twin thing. Sam ended up keeping the fish, much to Will's demise. We talked about things most guy teenagers would talk about; like girls, and sports, and video games. We saw no other boats out on the lake that day. Eventually the blue sky turned purple as the day wore on. The horizon became streaked with red and orange. 

       "It's getting dark, we should start to head back. I wanna cook these bass,” Sam said. We all agreed and headed back on the jon boat. Once we got back we decided to relax and watch a new movie Will bought on the way up. We were too tired and lazy to clean and cook the fish, so we decided to drive to a subway about 25 minutes away. On the way back I listened to the closely to sounds of the summer night. I heard crickets, frogs, and owls. But no coyotes. When Sam told me that story about the coyotes, I didn't actually believe him. But it could have just been a quiet night. 

          For me, driving down a dirt road can be an uneasy and sometimes scary experience . The only light coming from your headlights. Tree branches grabbing at your car like long arms with claws. I can just imagine coming up on something in the middle of the road. Just standing there, eyes gleaming in the headlights. Of course, I didn't spend much time out in the countryside. So my imagination could run pretty wild. 

          After finishing our dinner and movie, we decided to cook s'mores outside the side of the cabin. Will told a story about how he shot a bobcat last week. It surprised him when he was walking through the woods. It had its two ears pointed up, and it's lips were drawn back in a snarl, showing off it's fangs. But unfortunately for the bobcat, Will was carrying a shotgun with him.

      Even thought I had been in dark forests before, this one felt a little odd. It just wasn't the same; too quiet and eerie. 

        "If you really think there are moonshine makers up here, then why don't you call the police or something?" I asked Will and Sam. 

      "They don't really bother us too much. We don't mess with them, they don't mess with us. Sometimes they will try to scare us, but we just let it go. The whole moonshine maker part is speculation anyway. Just a theory because of some tools we have found on our property before. Plus, they make the nights quieter anyway,” Will responded.

      "Alright, but how come no one else ever called the police before leaving the lake?" I continued. 

      "Most people don't know about the moonshine makers. We only because of how close we live to the supposed house. It's also rare for them to actually kill and leave a coyote on someone's property. Sure some of them did call someone. But they had little evidence to go on. They mostly assumed it was poachers. Some people put out trail cameras, but still didn't see anything. At least that's what I've heard from my dad,” Will continued back. 

      "How would they even catch the coyotes?" I prodded even more. 

      "Well they would probably use traps,” Will responded with a smartass tone. 

      "But we have never found any traps up here. Who knows, maybe there are no moonshine makers, just a bigger predator out there, claiming his territory."

      "Why do care so much anyway? It's not going to affect us while we're up here,” Sam said.

      "I'm just curious. It's pretty suspicious if you ask me,” I replied. 

      While they were cleaning up the s'mores, I stared off into the night. The stars were amazing out here. I even thought I heard a coyote off in the distance, and then I thought I heard it whimper even louder. After a while I grew tired and headed back into the cabin to get some sleep.

          

        I woke up bright and early the next day to fish on the lake again. We also swam and just drove around on the boat when we became bored. Sam and Will also had an old kneeboard. We hooked it up to the jon boat, but the resulting experience wasn't all that great. We found a rope swing and had a little fun with that. Around 3:00, Wylie decided to check the gas; it was almost empty. We headed back to the cabin to fill it up. 

      "At the edge of your property, there is a pond we can fish at. They aren't as big as the fish in the lake. But they are easier to catch. Do you wanna go?" Sam asked me. 

      “Sure," I replied 

      "Will, do you want to come with us?" I asked. 

      "Nah, I'm too tired to fish anymore, I'm just gonna chill at the house,” he told me as he spit into the water. 

        Once we got back, me and Sam packed all our rods and headed out to the pond. 

       After some dispute, we decided to go on my car because it was nicer and newer. Sam also brought the second shotgun, because there was a small range there too. It was about a 30 minute drive. mostly because of how windy the road was on his property. Once we got there, we hurriedly jumped out of the cars, slamming the doors behind us. Sam and I both walked around the pond. While he was checking a little shack by the edge of the woods, I went back to the car to get everything out. I grabbed the door handle, but the door wouldn't budge. Locking the car door was a habit for me, since I lived in a city were cars were broken into a lot. I reached in my pockets for my keys, but they weren't there. 

      Oh shit... I thought. I immediately came to the conclusion that I had locked my keys in the car. They key’s buttons were broken, so I had to lock the car manually from the inside. I could have set them down or dropped them while I was doing that, and been to excited to notice. Sam was walking back towards me now.

      "Um Sam, we might be in a little trouble, I think I may have locked my keys in my... Uh car,” I said. I almost laughed because of how stupid I had been. I had never done this before. 

      "Are you kidding me? Please tell me you're joking!" Sam replied. 

      "Well I did walk around so there is a possibility they could have fallen out of my pocket or something,” I told him

      "Please look for it then!" Sam said back. We split up and looked around the areas I had walked, but found nothing. 

      "If we can't find them, they gotta be in my car,” I sighed. 

      "What the fuck!" Sam replied angrily. 

      "I'm sorry, I must have dropped them when I was getting out of the car."

      "And you didn't notice?" 

      "I wasn't paying attention to that at all." 

      After about 5 minutes of bickering back and forth, Sam walked back to the shack. He came back out with a small, plastic, crappy, fishing rod.

      "We can still fish, but we are going to have to take turns. We are also going to have to leave early so we can get back to the cabin before dark,” Sam told me 

      We took turns with the rod, but didn't catch anything. Sam was still mad at me, but had begun to calm down. We fished until the treetops around us became streaked with orange. 

      "We don't have any light out here, so we gotta start walking back now,” Sam said. 

      I agreed. I didn't know what I was going to do about my car. I had a spare key at my house. But I would have to drive all the way to my house and back, an almost 5 hour commute. The orange sky, turned to purple, and the purple to black. The woods turned from beautiful to ominous. Our only light was the moon hanging high in the sky. The woods came alive with sounds. I heard crunching on the leaves, and shuddered at the thought of something following us. There was a screech far off in the distance. 

      "W-what was t-that?" I stuttered. 

      "Probably just a bobcat,” Sam replied. He tried to act cool, but I could tell he was scared. I'm not a person that is scared easily. I can sit thought any horror movie and not be affected. But this was different. Those stories that I had heard about the coyotes were real... Or so I thought. Plus this whole lake felt strange. Even now I felt like we were being watched. There was nothing we could do if something attacked us. I picked up my pace a little and Sam followed. I heard a long howl erupt through the night. 

      "That's the first time I've heard a coyote in years,” Sam replied. Eventually we reached a big clearing on a hill. There was nothing but a single tree in the middle, and the old abandoned cabin. As we came closer, I noticed something off about the tree. There appeared to be something under the tree.

      "Ah Sam, take a look at this,” I poked him and pointed at tree.

      "Oh shit!" Sam said and took off running towards the tree. I followed him. As we came up under it, we had just enough light from the moon to tell what it was. It was a freshly killed coyote. Ripped open down the middle and gutted. 

      What if this was the whimpering I heard last night? I thought to myself. My thoughts were interrupted by a noise coming from the edge of the clearing. It sounded like heavy footsteps crunching leaves. Something was walking back towards this clearing. Sam and I looked at each other and took off running. I don't know how long we ran, but our adrenaline kept our legs pumping. 

          We came to the little slope in the road and saw the lights of the cabin in the distance. Now I started to feel the effects and started to cramp, but that didn't stop me. I ran thought the door and collapsed on the floor. Sam followed me after. Will, who had been sitting on the couch watching TV, looked at us with shock. 

      "What the hell happened to y'all?" 

      "Coyote... dead..." I tried to get words out under my loud breathing. 

      It took me a while, but I regained my breath and sat on the couch to rest. 

      Sam had stood up and walked over and locked the doors to the cabin.

      "Something is out there in the woods. We saw a dead coyote. One that hasn't been dead long. We need to leave now,” Sam told Will.

      "Slow down; why were y'all running? Where is the car?" he asked. 

      "Genius over there locked his keys in the car, and we had to walk back,” Sam was now packing his things in his bag.

      "Hold up, we can't just leave in the middle of the night, we gotta clean up this lake house a little, or Dad is gonna be super pissed,” Will said.

      "I don't care what Dad thinks, I care about what is out there right now." 

      They got into one of there long arguments; and I was just was just sitting on the couch, trying to take everything in. 

      There argument was interrupted by a large noise outside. Will and Sam stopped arguing and Will picked up one of the shotguns by the side door. 

      "Will, do not go out there!" Sam was practically screaming now.

      He ignored him and went out the door, cocking the shotgun. Sam did not follow. A long silence was interrupted by a loud bang, followed by more silence. Sam grabbed and loaded a pistol that had been in a drawer. We heard footsteps coming towards the door. Sam aimed. Will stepped into the door, holding a shotgun in one hand and a dead raccoon in the other.

      "It was just raccoons guys. Put down the gun!” 

      Sam set it down. I could tell he was very much freaked out by this whole incident. 

         After much dispute, we decided to stay the night and leave in the morning. I slept in a room across from Sam’s room in the hallway. Will slept in the master bedroom, which was still only the same size as ours. The only difference being that the entrance was from the living room instead of the hallway. Sam took the pistol in his room with him. I followed by getting into my own room. The sheets were dirty here, but I didn't really care about that anymore. 

      If it hadn’t been for how tired I was, I probably wouldn’t have slept that night. For a while, I just laid in my bed listening to the crickets chirping. But as I lay there, I couldn't help but notice another sound, the sound of footsteps on dirt and gravel as they circled the cabin. 

        I woke up to the sound of thunder. It was heavily raining outside. But there was another sound. The sound of something barely banging or scratching at one of the doors to the cabin. It was barely audible over the storm. I took me a moment to process what was happening. I jumped up, but not before I heard a bang louder than thunder. 

      It had broken in! I jumped back into my bed and looked around the room.  There was nowhere to hide but the closet. Which wasn't really much of a place to hide itself. I heard footsteps walking around the kitchen. I could hear my heart pounding in my chest even louder.  Then I noticed something. My bed was close to the wall, but not right next to it. There was a small opening in between that I could barely fit into too. This was my best chance, so I took it. My breathing was so loud, I would probably give away my position if the creature came in here. But it never did. The footsteps eventually stopped. There was no more sound except for the tapping of rain and the occasional thunder. I lay there for what felt like hours. Finally I gathered enough nerve to stand up. I grabbed a small pocket knife out of my bag. It was the only thing I had to defend myself here. I slowly crept towards the door and pushed it open. Silence was the only response. I creeped down the hallway and peeked into the main room. The door was open and almost unhinged all the way. Rain was coming in hard and the floor was soaking wet. I quickly turned around and headed back to the hallway. I had to tell the others. Will's door was already wide open. This was strange, as I could have sworn he left it cracked last night. A sense of dread came over as I stepped into his room. There was no one in his bed. 

      "Sam! Get in here now!" I shouted, and then followed by running into his room. He had somehow slept through the whole thing. 

      "Wake up man,” I started pushing him. 

      "W-what?" he said drowsily as he got up. 

      "It's Will, he's not in his bed." 

      "So what? Maybe he went to go fishing early,” he said, still half asleep.

      "Do you hear the storm? Something broke in and it must have taken him." 

      "Stop messing with me." 

      "I swear to God, check his room,” Sam finally got up and walked out into the main room.

      "What the hell?" his mouth dropped when he saw the unhinged door. Once he saw Will wasn't in his room, he began to frantically search the cabin. 

      "Dude, he isn't going to be hiding in a closet. I heard the thing that took him. We need to leave this place now,” I tried telling him, but he wouldn't listen. He opened the door to the porch and stepped outside.

      "Will! Will!" he kept screaming. 

      "We need to leave now and get the police or the thing might come back for us,” I grabbed his shoulder and turned him around. He had tears in his eyes. My heart sank, this was brother after all. I didn't know what to say to him. 

      "Fine, we get the fuck out of here now, and come back. We will come back,” Sam finally spoke. Then I remembered something Will had told me. The driveway to the cabin is sloped on a hill, coming at the house sideways. It was also all dirt. When it rained, it all became very muddy. And unless you have a very powerful car, then you can't get out. 

        I ran to the front door and out to the driveway. Just like I had expected, the driveway had turned into a mud bath. Sam's truck was an old 2-wheel drive, so that left Will's as the only option. The only problem was, we had no idea where the key was. I told Sam this and we tore up the whole cabin looking for, but had no luck. 

      We were stuck here. Sam was now almost fully crying. I couldn't blame him. We were sitting ducks in here.

      "So what now, do we have to walk?" I asked. 

      "We don't have any other choice, and we don't have time to wait out the storm,” he replied. I was looking past him down at the lake when an idea popped into my head. 

      "The boat! Let's take the boat! We could find someone at there house up here, or the marina,” I became a little cheerful at the thought. But then I thought about the storm. Being stranded on the middle of a lake with lighting and wind did not sound like a good outcome. But it was better than possibly having to face whatever was out in the forest.

      "That's a horrible idea, that's one of the worst storms I've ever seen out there,” Sam must have been reading my mind. 

      "Do you really want to confront the thing that took your brother. We don't even know if it's human."

      "Don't give me that bullshit." 

      "You've seen the door. No human could be big enough to do that and still be as sneaky as it was taking your brother." 

      "You don't know if it took him. He could be outside somewhere."

      "Like where? His car is here, where on Earth would he go?" 

      "I don't know,” Sam was slowly starting to face the possible truth. 

          He finally agreed to take the boat. I took my pocket knife, but didn't worry about anything else. I was just worried about getting the hell out of this place. It took a while for him to crank the lift down. But once he did, we hurriedly left the dock. 

      Once we got out into the open water, I felt this was no better than our situation before. The sky itself looked menacing. It was filled with dark jagged clouds. We saw lighting constantly streak across the sky. And the night amount of rain made the visibility awful.  But the worst problem was the waves. The boat was quickly taking on water. We hadn't even gone that far when my ankles were already submerged. 

      "I knew this was a bad idea!" Sam yelled at me. I didn't respond. I couldn't help but agree with him. We were barely able to sit in the boat, and we constantly had to lean to keep it from flipping. 

      "We need to just..." Sam's voice was cut off by a large wave hitting the boat. This was to much for us and it toppled the small vessel. I felt myself go underwater and was spun around for a few times. I emerged back on top of the water, but the waves were constantly hitting my face. I could not see anything and could barely breathe. 

      "S-Sam! Sam!" I tried to call out but my mouth kept filling up with water. The current was pulling me quickly away, and I could not see Sam or the boat. I was a decent swimmer, but this was a nightmare. I could barely keep my head above water. The big waves would sometimes pick me up and carry me. I could make out that I was being carried to the shore. I felt relieved at first, but then panicked when I saw a group of halfway submerged trees in front of me. Slamming into one would not feel good, so I tried to swim away. But it was hopeless. A big wave picked me up and carried me headfirst into one of the biggest trees. Then everything went black.

        

      My eyes shot open. I was looking up at a cloudy sky and the tops of trees. I could hear birds in the background.

      Ouch, my head hurts a lot, then everything came back to me

      Sam! I jumped up and looked around. I was on a dirt beach. There was the lake in front of me and nothing but trees behind me. 

      Great, I thought. I was lost in the middle of nowhere now. At least the storm had stopped. I rubbed the spot on my forehead where it was hurting. Just as I had thought, there was a huge bump. I looked back towards the forest behind me. It was thick, but I had no choice but to go into it. I started heading right, towards where I assumed the cabin was. A blood-curling scream stopped me in my footsteps. It sent shivers down my spine. I changed my direction and headed left, away from whatever had made that God-awful noise. It sounded eerily similar to the one me and Sam had heard earlier. There were other houses on the lake, and If I kept walking, then I would probably come up on one. 

           The dirt beach was only a little patch, so I couldn't walk on the shoreline. The forest was dense and hard to walk through. I kept walking into spiderwebs. And branches scratched at me. I was fearful I would step on a snake, but a much bigger fear kept me going. Every now and then, the woods would clear up, and I actually had room to breathe. But that was rare. As I walked, I couldn't stop thinking about Will and Sam Where were they? What would I say when I came back alone? That someone or something was stalking us, and possibly took one of us? But these were the least of my worries. I just wanted to get out this place right now. 

             My heart jumped when I saw flashes of white through the trees. It had to be the side of some building. I took off running. The trees ended and I was standing at the edge of field. There was a big 2-story white house in the middle, just as I had thought. 

      It had a path leading to a dock on the lake house, and an old white van in the parking lot. 

      That meant someone was there. But as I got closer, I noticed something off about the house. The yard was horribly overgrown, and vines crept up the walls of the house. It looked like no one had been here in a while. The door was wide open. I came up to it and knocked anyway. No response. I tried several more times before deciding to walk in.

      "Hello? Anyone here? I need help. I think someone took my friends,” I called out. But once again, nothing but crickets answered. I made my way to the main room, and I almost jumped at what I saw. There was a big bookshelf across the middle of the room. Only there weren't books on it. Instead, there were bottles of all sizes holding liquids of all types. That's when it hit me. These were the neighbors Will and Sam had told me about. I didn't think anyone was home now, which was odd because of the car. Unless that meant that thing was the person... I didn't tread on the thought. I needed to find a phone, or keys, or something. 

         I slowly headed upstairs. This whole place was dirty and dusty, like no one had been here for while. And there was this god-awful smell. After finding nothing upstairs, I headed back downstairs. My heart skipped a beat when I noticed something I had missed earlier. All over the floor was dry blood. It looked like it wasn't even red anymore; almost brown. It was a trail too. A trail leading to the door and out.

          What the hell happened here? This place was worse than the forest. The main room's entire floor was the color of the blood. At first I had thought that was just the paint. I noticed another door open. I got closer and and saw stairs leading down to a dark room. More blood followed down it. I was scared but I needed to check down there for more supplies. Possibly a gun, or a knife, or anything that could protect me. I slowly walked down the stairs. The smell only got worse. Whatever it was, it was coming from down here. I got to the bottom and peered around. There was just enough light coming rom upstairs to make out what was down here. The smell was stronger than ever, and was by far the worst thing I have ever smelled. It didn't take long for me to find the source. At first I thought it was someone sleeping, but I gasped in horror once I got closer. On the floor lay two decaying corpses. There torsos were ripped wide open, most of the there intestines had been ripped out. The skin on there faces and arms was rotting. One of there throats was ripped open. Maggots were crawling all over them. I turned around and vomited. There skin wasn't cut precisely like a knife would do; it was ripped, like it was done by claws or teeth. No human could do this. I mean, no human would do this. One of them had a revolver clutched in his hand still. I reluctantly pulled it out, his flesh making a tearing sound. I normally go hunting, so I'm used to blood and gore, but this, this was too much. 

          Unfortunately, there was nothing in the gun. I set it down with disappointment. Then I noticed something on the other body. Strapped to its side was a long machete. I pulled it out of its sheathe. It was rusted, but still sharp. I also noticed a box of matches sticking out of the body's pocket. I pulled it out, carefully avoiding making contact with the flesh, if you could call it that. I opened it, and thankfully, the box was half way full. Looks like not everything was going wrong today. 

          I began to head back to the staircase, but stopped. The birds had stopped chirping. Everything was quiet. Almost everything. I thought I heard something. The sound of floorboards creaking. But it wasn't the normal kind of creaking. No, this was the sound of something walking. I listened a little longer to make sure I wasn't hearing things. I wasn't, something was definitely walking around upstairs. Fear flooded my heart. My breathing picked up. If the thing came down here, I would have no way to get out. I would have to fight my way out. I listened closer. It was moving around slowly. I thought I may have heard a growl too. Then I noticed something different about the footsteps. I could barely make it out; but there was no mistaking the sound of footsteps on staircase. And it wasn't getting closer either. The thing was going upstairs. 

           This was my chance, I quietly, but hurriedly made my way up the stairs and out of the basement. I was walking out of the main room and to the door when an idea struck me. I looked over at the shelf of alcohol. Quickly, I grabbed a few bottles; in case I would need them later. Then I used all my strength to push the whole thing over. There was a large crash followed by alcohol sweeping over the floor. The thing definitely heard that, because I heard him moving quickly. I pulled out the matches and tried to strike one, to no prevail. The thing was now quickly rushing down the stairs. I tried again and fire lit up at the red tip. I immediately responded by dropping it and running. I quickly felt the heat at my back as leapt out of the door.

            I turned around to see most of the building already on fire, smoke leaking out of the windows. Nothing followed me out of the flames. It didn't take long for the fire to spread to the rest of the building; the flames reaching towards the air like claws grasping for prey. Maybe it was just the sound of the house burning, but I could barely make out a moaning sound, coming from inside the hell-shack. I didn't stick around to watch the show. The sky was orange, like the flames, but now it was turning purple. Eventually the purple consumed the sky, and night took over day. I didn't stop walking. I wasn't even sure exactly where I was walking. I had picked a direction I assumed was the cabin, and gone from there. 

         It was a full moon, so I wasn't at least blindly running around a forest. I could still make out a little smoke from the fire, but it was harder now at night. At one point I felt a sting on my arm. My instant reaction shaking off whatever was causing it. A spider fell to a tree stump below me. I could barely make it out in the moonlight. I used to hate spiders. Was a little scared of them too. Something so unnatural about their look. That's all you had to normally worry about in a forest here: spiders and snakes. But this was a different forest, and I was not worried about these creatures anymore. 

      I walked for a very long time. Much longer than I did earlier. Eventually my legs grew weary, and I had to rest. I sat on a tree stump and thought. Even if I had set that thing on fire, it barely helped my situation. I was lost. By now the smoke was gone, so I had no direction. The quiet night was suddenly interrupted by a piercing screech. This was similar to the one I heard earlier; but louder, angrier. And it was close too. It sent shivers down my spine. That was when I knew for sure. I was being hunted. 

      The moon had climbed to its highest point, and had begun to climb back down.. Fueled by fear, I kept walking. I figured I had to hit some civilization at one point. This county wasn't completely abandoned. It didn't hear anything else from the creature again. I didn't know if that was good or bad. I constantly heard leaves crunching, twigs cracking; but I had no idea what was causing it. At one point a deer jumped in front of me. I had almost taken off into a sprint before I recognized it. I wanted to stop and sleep, but I knew this thing was angry, and it wouldn't stop. It obviously had a great sense of smell, so there was no point in trying to hide either. I had come to a rut. 

          The only thing I could do was keep walking, so walk I did. Just when I had begun to give up hope, I saw something that changed my mind. Through the thick of the trees, I could see water. I knew it was water because I could of the moon light reflecting off of it. I broke off into a sprint. Branches kept waking my face, but I didn't care. Once it came into full view, I realized that this want just any body of water. It was the pond me and Sam had been too the other day. And my car was still sitting there. I felt like I wanted to shout with relief. It's like something, someone out there was helping me. 

            I burst into a sprint with what little energy I had left to reach there. I grabbed the handle and pulled, only to remember that it was locked. But I wasn't gonna give up. I hadn't made it this far just die a door away from freedom. Ideas ran through my head while I frantically looked around. My eyes landed on a set of descent sized rocks. They were in a circle, like a border for a camp fire. I knew what I had to do. I quickly picked one up and headed back to the car. But then I stopped. If I did this, this forest would be blasted with the loud sound of the car alarm. And in this quiet night, it would be heard for miles. And then that thing would surely be alerted of my position. But this was my best hope. I brought down the rock as hard as I could on the window of the driver's door. A loud crack was immediately followed by an even louder repeating honk. 

          I reached in and manually pulled up the lock, then I flung the door open. Not wasting any time, I grabbed the keys, which had been laying in the seat, and jabbed them into the ignition. I turned my hand and the engine roared up, ending the obnoxious alarm. The alarm had still gone off for a solid 10 seconds. Any creatures in the surrounding woods would have heard it loud and clear. I hopped in the car, remembering to take the bottles of alcohol with me. 

            Sam's shotgun was still sitting in the backseat, shells right next to it. I grabbed it and loaded it as fast I could. Now I wasn't must some helpless prey. I clicked on my brights and headed down the dark dirt road. I drove for a while in silence. The moon had gone behind some clouds, and hadn't bothered to come back out. Now, other than my headlights, I was in pitch black darkness. It took a while until I recognized where I was. Once I saw a tree that had fallen over, I knew I was by the field with the old house. The same field where me and Sam had been chased a couple nights ago. But that also meant I was close to the main road. 

            My thoughts were interrupted when something came into the bright white beams of my headlights. A figure had been standing in the middle of the road. Something muscular and covered in a fur coat. But it wasn't a deer or a coyote. This was bigger. It stood on its hind legs. Long arms came down to its knees. At the end of each were paws with a set of long claws. The head came to a long snout. Its lips were drawn back in a snarl, showing long and sharp fangs. It had pointed ears like a big cat. Its eyes were black and soulless. Its fur was short, and there were a few patches that showed burn marks. I was frozen with shock. I felt a sudden chill run through my bones; one that made me feel… numb. I had only felt like this once before. Before i had ever been to this lake. Before, when i put three bullets into another living creature. Only then had I feel the same feeling of death, the same feeling of… nothingness. But this time, it was bigger. This time, It filled the whole air.  It let out a growl before moving to my car. It walked light on its feet.  The thing towered over the car, and had to be at least 10 feet. 

          It slammed its arms down on the hood of the car, denting it and causing the car to shake. I came to my senses and reached for the shotgun. Smoke was now coming from the engine. I aimed and fired. The glass shattered and the creature stepped back, letting out a growl of pain. I pumped and fired again.  Blood splattered me and the car. The creature fell on its back. Wherever I hit it, it had worked. I pushed the gas pedal, but the only response was a clicking sound from the smoking engine. I grabbed the bottles and jumped out of the car. My adrenaline was pumping and my first thought was to run away. I listened and took off down the road, leaving the creature and the car behind me. I quickly came to the field and took off running through it. I needed to reload the shotgun, but I didn't want to stop in a wide open area. My ears were ringing and my head was spinning. But the moon had come back and I could at least see. I saw the old abandoned house and headed there. The side of the wall was torn down, so I stepped in and sat down. 

          My head started to clear and I put three more shells into the bottom of the shotgun. That's when I noticed the smell. The same smell as earlier, but stronger. The smell of death. The moonlight was shinning through the small cabin, so I I could see all around it. It was overgrown and full of cobwebs. The wood was rotting, and filled with termites. The back half of the house had also collapsed. I made my to what I assumed was the kitchen. Old shelves lined the walls. Half of it was filled with collapsed wood. Then I noticed a big hole in the collapsed wood. Big enough for someone or something to crawl through. It seemed to be the source of the smell, so I climbed through it. It led me down a tunnel to a room.  If I had eaten anything recently, I most definitely would have threw it all back up. There was enough moonlight seeping through to see a little bit of the cave. And the first thing that had come into my sight was a body. A body that had been mutilated and gutted. 

           Its face was to mangled to see, but I could tell who it was from the height. Will, or Sam. One of them had met a grisly fate. A hole was ripped down the middle, and the body's organs were still hanging out. Fresh blood seeped out slowly too. Claw marks and bite marks were all over the body. One arm had been torn off. I could see the bone poking out of a fleshy stump, and I could tell where it had snapped clean through. I felt tears roll down my face. Will and Sam were my best friends. And this thing had taken them from me, and everyone else. Then I noticed the other corpses too. Thankfully it was to dark too see the details of most of them, but the room was full of them. I could make out some skeletons. They appeared to be of deer, cats or coyotes. I took a step back and stepped on something squishy. I felt a lukewarm liquid run over my feet and jumped away. That's when I noticed the moonlight begin to fade away. There was a large shadow blocking the exit. I thought I was seeing things, but then the shadow moved and my heart sank. I had foolishly left the shotgun in the kitchen, and I was cornered now. I was tired of this and began to accept my fate when I felt something in my pocket.I still had a bottle of alcohol in my pocket. I quickly pulled it out and chunked it at the slow moving shadow. There was a crack followed by a growl, and the shadow began to move faster. Still backing up, I pulled out the matches and struck one on the side of the box. With the little light it emitted I could make out the ugly face of the creature. 

      "You like fire, asshole!" I sneered and chunked the match at the shadow. The room was immediately lit up by a ball of flame. The creature screeched in pain and agony. I tried to run past it but it reached out and grabbed my arm. His arm was on fire, and his claws sunk deep into my arm. I screamed in pain. I felt the nothingness engulf me wholly . I felt it grip my soul. Blood gushed out, but was quickly dried by the fire. I remembered my pocket knife, pulled it out, and began stabbing away. After few jabs, the creature finally let go and I fell back. I turned around and ran, not even bothering to see the affects of the flames. I felt the claws barely miss my back as  I stumbled back up the tunnel.

            I came back to the kitchen and remembered to grab the shotgun before running out. I heard a pop as my foot caught and I face planted into the hard wood. Pain shot through my ankle. My foot had caught on a raised up floorboard. Ignoring the pain, I got up and continued to make my way out. But I could only half-limp, half-jog. I didn't stop till I got outside the home. Once I was a good distance away, I stopped to look back at the cabin. Nothing had followed me back out. I readied the shotgun and waited some more. But I was only met with the orange filled wave of sunrise peaking over the tops of the trees. The chirping songs of birds filled the once-silent woods. Grass gleamed in the sunlight. 

            I sat down next to my car, covered with blood. Nature can be so beautiful, I thought as I saw two young turkeys cross the field. They quickly turned around and ran back once they came close to the old cabin. I got up and rummaged through the back of my car and pulled out a fishing rod. Strange, I used to hate fishing as a kid, but now I found it... relaxing. You, alone with nature. Away from the stresses of the world. I hooked my bait, watching as it tore through the flesh of the worm. It squirmed, helpless under a much larger creature. I never got a chance to fish at the pond. And I heard that the fish in there were plentiful and huge. Carrying only the rod; I headed off through the field, sunlight beaming through the trees. 

        Loading editor
    • Alright, I'll admit, I didn't read the previous draft. This recent draft is the first one I've read. And my thoughts on it, in a nutshell, are, "eeeehhhhhhhhh..."

      Ok, let me elaborate. First, the formatting. On the Creepypasta Wiki, you don't indent paragraphs. Instead, you space them out. So this:

      " I came back to the kitchen and remembered to grab the shotgun before running out. I heard a pop as my foot caught and I face planted into the hard wood. Pain shot through my ankle. My foot had caught on a raised up floorboard. Ignoring the pain, I got up and continued to make my way out. But I could only half-limp, half-jog. I didn't stop till I got outside the home. Once I was a good distance away, I stopped to look back at the cabin. Nothing had followed me back out. I readied the shotgun and waited some more. But I was only met with the orange filled wave of sunrise peaking over the tops of the trees. The chirping songs of birds filled the once-silent woods. Grass gleamed in the sunlight. 

            I sat down next to my car, covered with blood. Nature can be so beautiful, I thought as I saw two young turkeys cross the field. They quickly turned around and ran back once they came close to the old cabin. I got up and rummaged through the back of my car and pulled out a fishing rod. Strange, I used to hate fishing as a kid, but now I found it... relaxing. You, alone with nature. Away from the stresses of the world. I hooked my bait, watching as it tore through the flesh of the worm. It squirmed, helpless under a much larger creature. I never got a chance to fish at the pond. And I heard that the fish in there were plentiful and huge. Carrying only the rod; I headed off through the field, sunlight beaming through the trees. "

      Becomes this:

      "I came back to the kitchen and remembered to grab the shotgun before running out. I heard a pop as my foot caught and I face planted into the hard wood. Pain shot through my ankle. My foot had caught on a raised up floorboard. Ignoring the pain, I got up and continued to make my way out. But I could only half-limp, half-jog. I didn't stop till I got outside the home. Once I was a good distance away, I stopped to look back at the cabin. Nothing had followed me back out. I readied the shotgun and waited some more. But I was only met with the orange filled wave of sunrise peaking over the tops of the trees. The chirping songs of birds filled the once-silent woods. Grass gleamed in the sunlight. 

      I sat down next to my car, covered with blood. Nature can be so beautiful, I thought as I saw two young turkeys cross the field. They quickly turned around and ran back once they came close to the old cabin. I got up and rummaged through the back of my car and pulled out a fishing rod. Strange, I used to hate fishing as a kid, but now I found it... relaxing. You, alone with nature. Away from the stresses of the world. I hooked my bait, watching as it tore through the flesh of the worm. It squirmed, helpless under a much larger creature. I never got a chance to fish at the pond. And I heard that the fish in there were plentiful and huge. Carrying only the rod; I headed off through the field, sunlight beaming through the trees. "

      Also, the text was really tiny for some weird reason, which made it hard to read. 

      Now, let's talk a bit about spelling and grammar. I noticed the beginning and end had some issues there. For example:

      "I couldn't stand sitting there in a boat for hours, doing nothing; but occasionally catching fish. I loved hunting thought, especially deer hunting."

      It should be:

      "I couldn't stand sitting there in a boat for hours, doing nothing but occasionally catching fish. I loved hunting though, especially deer hunting."

      The semicolon becomes a comma, and the "thought" becomes "though." 

      There's also a part where you mention that people hunted on Sam and Will's property. Or, rather, that people hunt the property itself. You forgot a word, which gives me the amusing mental image of some Elmer Fudd looking schmuck in camo hunting a house. 

      Also, you kept confusing to and too in the beginning and end. I can't quite define all meanings of "to," but "too" means also. For example:

      "I like to devour the souls of the innocent too."

      Now that we've got formatting, spelling, and grammar out of the way, let's talk about the story. 

      Minor disclaimer: I don't hunt. Well, I don't hunt animals. I hunt pussy, but not the animal kind. (Rimshot) So anything regarding hunting here I'll accept as fact because I don't know shit.

      Personally, I found this story to be boring. Maybe it's just a me thing. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because it felt like not much happened. Main character and his buddies go to some cabin in the woods, main character locks his keys in his car like a dumbass, main character and friend find dead wolf, the two go back to cabin, one friend is kidnapped, main character goes to moonshine makers house, finds dead bodies and monster, tries burning monster alive, finds friends' corpses, goes to car, finds monster, and then cuts to fishing.

      Yeah, that ending was kind of weird. I remember reading somewhere that the ending had some deeper meaning or something, but I didn't see it. It was just this extremely traumatic event for the main character, then fishing. Weird.

      Anyway, back to my early point about being a bit boring. Personally, I wasn't really all that sucked in. I wasn't really attached to any of the characters, mainly because there wasn't much to them. Yes, Sam and Will were given traits, but those weren't really displayed that much (except for maybe when Will was kind of an asshole). And I can't begin to tell you much about the main character. Well, except that he likes fishing. 

      I wasn't really invested in these characters, so I wasn't all that invested in the story. And most of the beginning/middle was just fishing and hunting. Like I said, I don't hunt, and I don't fish either (I have fished before, but I find it boring), so what they do isn't a big deal to me. 

      I'd also like to address the monster. You actually describe it pretty well, and it works for a monster. And...yeah. Nice monster. 

      There's not much else I can say. The story isn't awful; there's a beginning, middle, and end, the story is resolved, the characters aren't irritating, the typos don't really impede understanding, the story is, for the most part, competently written, and the monster's pretty cool. 

      Really, you just need to work on spelling, grammar, formatting, characters, and making the ending make sense. And...yeah.

        Loading editor
    • Okay, sorry for taking a bit to get to this. Unfortunately your story has a large amount of errors present, and the formatting is pretty messed up. I would strongly suggest taking your time proofreading and actually reading your story out loud to yourself, due to the high number of mistakes here. I'll list them now, corrections are in parentheses:


      ...loved them for there (their) mysterious...

      A few months later. Sam (later, Sam) invited...

      There was (a) small tv...

      ...let him hunt (on) our property.

      neither (Neither) did Will.

      ...throw it (them) back.

      ...much to Will's demise (dismay).

      ...drive to a subway (Subway)...

      I listened to the closely to sounds (closely to the sounds)...

      ...it's (its) lips were drawn... it's (its) fangs...

      Also, are Will and Wylie the same person? This sudden name change feels weird.

      ...decided to go on (in) my car...

      ...and been to (too) excited to notice.

      There was nothing but a single tree in the middle, and the old abandoned cabin (he should notice the cabin first).

      ...pointed at (the) tree...

      Sam followed me after (after me).

      ...and I was just was just (omit second "was just")...

      There (Their) argument was interrupted by a large (loud) noise outside.

      There was a small opening (gap) that I could barely fit into too (omit "too").

      ...dread came over (me) as I stepped...

      My heart sank, this was (his) brother after all.

      ...tore up the whole cabin looking for (it), but...

      ...find someone at there (the? their?) house up here...

      This was to (too) much for us...

      A blood-curling (curdling) scream stopped...

      I just wanted to get out (of) this place right now.

      ...I was standing at the edge of (a) field.

      ...like no one had been here for while (a while).

      I got closer and and (omit second "and") saw...

      ...just enough light coming rom (from) upstairs...

      There (Their) torsos were ripped... there (their) intestines... (series of "there" in place of "their")

      ...sound of footsteps on (the) staircase.

      ...followed by alcohol sweeping (spilling) over the floor...

      ...tried to strike one, to no prevail (avail).

      ...felt heat at my back as (I) leapt out of the door.

      ...picked a direction I assumed was (to) the cabin, and gone (went) from there.

      ...so I wasn't at least (at least I wasn't) blindly running...

      It (I) didn't hear anything else...

      Branches kept waking (whacking) my face...

      I realized this want (wasn't) just and body of water...

      ...me and Sam (Sam and I) had been too (to) the other day...

      ...the engine roared up, ending the obnoxious alarm. The alarm had still gone off for a solid 10 seconds (contradictory sentences).

      I hopped in the car (after suggesting he was already in the car).

      Now I wasn't must (just) some helpless prey.

      Before i (I) had ever been to this lake.

      Before i (I) put three bullets...

      Whenever I hit it, it had worked (What worked?).

      The moonlight was shinning (shining) through the small cabin, so I I (omit second "I") could see...

      I made my (way) to what I assumed...

      Its face was to (too) mangled to see, but I could tell who it was from the height. Will, or Sam (How could he tell it was Will or Sam from the height alone? The body was mangled beyond recognition but he could immediately tell who it was strictly from the height? What about identifying the body by the clothing?).

      I felt a lukewarm liquid run over my feet and (I) jumped away (back). (How could he feel this through his shoes? Was he barefoot or were there holes in his shoes?)

      I quickly pulled it out and chunked (chucked) it...

      I sneered and chunked (chucked) the match...

      Blood gushed out, but was quickly dried by the fire (The heat from the fire would have cauterized his wound, thus not causing the blood to gush in the first place.)

      ...not even bothering to see the affects (effects) of the flames.

      I didn't stop till ('til or until) I got outside...


      Unfortunately even if you were to fix all these errors, I'm sorry to say that the story itself is currently overly-long, uninteresting, and honestly a bit of a chore to read through. There is a massive amount of padding that could be cut here. If a sentence isn't moving the plot along, adding to a character, or describing scenery in an interesting, visualizing way, it should be cut. You really need to streamline this story and make it so the reader doesn't have to sit through a bunch of unimportant, extraneous detail. Buildup is one thing, but the reader doesn't need to hear every single detail. I also didn't really care for the characters, yeah Sam was kind of a prick but that's all that struck me from the characters. I honestly didn't care what happened to them too much. However I thought the monster was actually described well; not too much information that you didn't have to use your imagination.

      But besides that, this story was pretty much the average "monster in the woods" story, and didn't stray too far from that type of tale. I could pretty much predict what was always going to happen. I feel you need to differentiate your story from the many others in the genre, but before you do that I again urge you to cut down on the unneeded "fat" of the story. Reading through all other reviews of your pasta, the consensus seems to be that you should (again) cut down on fluff, so I'm going to recommend that you really sit down and consider what should go (sentence by sentence) and then see where you are after that. Remember that every sentence should be interesting, needed, or otherwise important to your story in some way. I'm also going to recommend that you read these helpful writing advice blog posts if you haven't already:

      This.

      And this.

      Also this.

      You should really check out the Writing Advice section in general; there is some great advice there for all writers. Anyways, I hope my review/suggestions help you with this story and all others of yours. I'm not trying to be hurtful or rude in any way, I'm just honestly telling you what struck me about your story. I wish you the best of luck here, fellow Creeper.

        Loading editor
    • Third Revision


          When I was a kid, I used to hate fishing. I couldn't stand sitting there in a boat for hours, doing nothing; but occasionally catching fish. I loved hunting thought, especially deer hunting. It was very big where I lived. And my first deer I killed was one of my most vivid memories. I had to shoot it three times. My first bullet had hit the spine, causing the deer to convulse violently. My second bullet hit the lungs, and I thought for sure I had killed it. But once I got to the deer, it was still breathing; and I had to shoot it in the heart only a few feet away. Blood had poured out of its mouth. And its eyes had seemed dark and soulless after it died. I had felt almost numb after that. A sort of numbness that encompasses you wholly. It just felt wrong to have to put another living animal through that suffering. It was a horrifying experience for me as a little kid.  

          I still loved the woods, and the countryside. Down here it was usually miles of pines and maple trees. I also loved them for their mysterious elements. There are many ghost stories, and stories of who knows what out there prowling the dark forests. Stuff like this had always fascinated me. 

          As I got older, I began to like fishing even more. There was something about being alone with nature. Away from all the stresses of the world. I didn't have a farm, so I could only do something when someone invited me. Will and Sam where my two best friends since preschool. They were twins too. We did everything together. Played sports, video games, watched tv shows. Their parents were divorced, and they were constantly switching every week between their mom and dad. And they were sometimes made fun at school for being too redneck. i was their only real friend. They had it rough.

           As I got older, I began to develop more friendships. But Will and Sam owned two or three farms, and would always take me hunting and fishing. There was one farm on a rural lake, used for fishing, but we never went up there. We would always go to his other farm, to hunt. 

        When I turned 16, I was only allowed to drive to school and back. A few months later.     Sam invited me to go fishing at a lake about an hour north of where I lived. Surprisingly my parents said yes. After fishing at this lake, we decided to drive north and head to his lake house. It was only the second time I had been there. It was an old wooden cabin. The living room and the kitchen made one big room. While the living room area opened to a small hallway, with 3 bedrooms and a bathroom. There was a small tv in the living room, an old one with a box. The front side of the house had a porch that extended across the small house. Because the house was on a hill, there was about an 8 to 10 foot drop off the porch and into the water. The porch had a staircase on the side which led to a small dock. There was a small jon boat parked in this dock. 

                   Will ended up coming up later to fish too. When I was younger, Sam was the shyer one, so I was closer to Will. When we started to get older, Will changed. He started to become more stern and serious. Sam remained the same, so I hung out with him more. Driving on the property, I noticed an old run down house by the dirt road. 

      "Some old man used to live there, he died in that house,” Sam said.       

      "That's a little creepy,” I responded. 

      "Even better, his wife died mysteriously and it was rumored that he killed her. My dad used to give him fish he caught to eat. We also let him hunt on our property. He especially loved to predator hunt. When I was a kid, my cousins made me walk to that house at 12 at night alone, it scared the shit out of me,” he told me. We continued down the road to his house to fish for the day. I considered spending the night, but I couldn't. My parents said I had to go somewhere early next morning. 

         Summer break finally came, and we decided to stay up there for three days alone. Will ended up wanting to come too. We all drove in two separate cars. The view from their cabin was beautiful. There were hardly any other houses at the lake. I asked why. 

      "We do have a neighbor, but he is pretty far away. They also use their property and ours to make moonshine. They have scared other people out of living here. They will often kill animals and leave them on other people's property. My dad has found supplies for making moonshine too on our property. They might be a little crazy, so that's why we keep these shotguns,” he said and pointed to two shotguns by the door. 

      "That and for shooting raccoons and turkeys,” he laughed. 

         When Will arrived, we headed out on his boat. I had no luck, just a few bites. Neither did Will. But Sam caught 2 fish. Will and Sam got into an argument over if we should keep the fish or throw it back. They argued all the time. It must have been a twin thing. Sam ended up keeping the fish, much to Will's dismay. We talked about things most guy teenagers would talk about; like girls, and sports, and video games. We saw no other boats out on the lake that day. Eventually the blue sky turned purple as the day wore on. The horizon became streaked with red and orange. 

       "It's getting dark, we should start to head back. I wanna cook these bass,” Sam said. We all agreed and headed back on the jon boat. Once we got back we decided to relax and watch a new movie Will bought on the way up. We were too tired and lazy to clean and cook the fish, so we decided to drive to a subway about 25 minutes away. On the way back I listened to the closely to sounds of the summer night. I heard crickets, frogs, and owls. But no coyotes. When Sam told me that story about the coyotes, I didn't actually believe him. But it could have just been a quiet night. 

          For me, driving down a dirt road can be an uneasy and sometimes scary experience . The only light coming from your headlights. Tree branches grabbing at your car like long arms with claws. I can just imagine coming up on something in the middle of the road. Just standing there, eyes gleaming in the headlights. Of course, I didn't spend much time out in the countryside. So my imagination could run pretty wild. 

          After finishing our dinner and movie, we decided to cook s'mores outside the side of the cabin. Will told a story about how he shot a bobcat last week. It surprised him when he was walking through the woods. It had its two ears pointed up, and it's lips were drawn back in a snarl, showing off it's fangs. But unfortunately for the bobcat, Will was carrying a shotgun with him.

      Even thought I had been in dark forests before, this one felt a little odd. It just wasn't the same; too quiet and eerie. 

        "If you really think there are moonshine makers up here, then why don't you call the police or something?" I asked Will and Sam. 

      "They don't really bother us too much. We don't mess with them, they don't mess with us. Sometimes they will try to scare us, but we just let it go. The whole moonshine maker part is speculation anyway. Just a theory because of some tools we have found on our property before. Plus, they make the nights quieter anyway,” Will responded.

      "Alright, but how come no one else ever called the police before leaving the lake?" I continued. 

      "Most people don't know about the moonshine makers. We only because of how close we live to the supposed house. It's also rare for them to actually kill and leave a coyote on someone's property. Sure some of them did call someone. But they had little evidence to go on. They mostly assumed it was poachers. Some people put out trail cameras, but still didn't see anything. At least that's what I've heard from my dad,” Will continued back. 

      "How would they even catch the coyotes?" I prodded even more. 

      "Well they would probably use traps,” Will responded with a smartass tone. 

      "But we have never found any traps up here. Who knows, maybe there are no moonshine makers, just a bigger predator out there, claiming his territory."

      "Why do care so much anyway? It's not going to affect us while we're up here,” Sam said.

      "I'm just curious. It's pretty suspicious if you ask me,” I replied. 

      While they were cleaning up the s'mores, I stared off into the night. The stars were amazing out here. I even thought I heard a coyote off in the distance, and then I thought I heard it whimper even louder. After a while I grew tired and headed back into the cabin to get some sleep.

          

        I woke up bright and early the next day to fish on the lake again. We also swam and just drove around on the boat when we became bored. Sam and Will also had an old kneeboard. We hooked it up to the jon boat, but the resulting experience wasn't all that great. We found a rope swing and had a little fun with that. Around 3:00, Will decided to check the gas; it was almost empty. We headed back to the cabin to fill it up. 

      "At the edge of your property, there is a pond we can fish at. They aren't as big as the fish in the lake. But they are easier to catch. Do you wanna go?" Sam asked me. 

      “Sure," I replied 

      "Will, do you want to come with us?" I asked. 

      "Nah, I'm too tired to fish anymore, I'm just gonna chill at the house,” he told me as he spit into the water. 

        Once we got back, me and Sam packed all our rods and headed out to the pond. 

       After some dispute, we decided to go in my car because it was nicer and newer. Sam also brought the second shotgun, because there was a small range there too. It was about a 30 minute drive. mostly because of how windy the road was on his property. Once we got there, we hurriedly jumped out of the cars, slamming the doors behind us. Sam and I both walked around the pond. While he was checking a little shack by the edge of the woods, I went back to the car to get everything out. I grabbed the door handle, but the door wouldn't budge. Locking the car door was a habit for me, since I lived in a city were cars were broken into a lot. I reached in my pockets for my keys, but they weren't there. 

      Oh shit... I thought. I immediately came to the conclusion that I had locked my keys in the car. They key’s buttons were broken, so I had to lock the car manually from the inside. I could have set them down or dropped them while I was doing that, and been too excited to notice. Sam was walking back towards me now.

      "Um Sam, we might be in a little trouble, I think I may have locked my keys in my... Uh car,” I said. I almost laughed because of how stupid I had been. I had never done this before. 

      "Are you kidding me? Please tell me you're joking!" Sam replied. 

      "Well I did walk around so there is a possibility they could have fallen out of my pocket or something,” I told him

      "Please look for it then!" Sam said back. We split up and looked around the areas I had walked, but found nothing. 

      "If we can't find them, they gotta be in my car,” I sighed. 

      "What the fuck!" Sam replied angrily. 

      "I'm sorry, I must have dropped them when I was getting out of the car."

      "And you didn't notice?" 

      "I wasn't paying attention to that at all." 

      After about 5 minutes of bickering back and forth, Sam walked back to the shack. He came back out with a small, plastic, crappy, fishing rod.

      "We can still fish, but we are going to have to take turns. We are also going to have to leave early so we can get back to the cabin before dark,” Sam told me 

      We took turns with the rod, but didn't catch anything. Sam was still mad at me, but had begun to calm down. We fished until the treetops around us became streaked with orange. 

      "We don't have any light out here, so we gotta start walking back now,” Sam said. 

      I agreed. I didn't know what I was going to do about my car. I had a spare key at my house. But I would have to drive all the way to my house and back, an almost 5 hour commute. The orange sky, turned to purple, and the purple to black. The woods turned from beautiful to ominous. Our only light was the moon hanging high in the sky. The woods came alive with sounds. I heard crunching on the leaves, and shuddered at the thought of something following us. There was a screech far off in the distance. 

      "W-what was t-that?" I stuttered. 

      "Probably just a bobcat,” Sam replied. He tried to act cool, but I could tell he was scared. I'm not a person that is scared easily. I can sit thought any horror movie and not be affected. But this was different. Those stories that I had heard about the coyotes were real... Or so I thought. Plus this whole lake felt strange. Even now I felt like we were being watched. There was nothing we could do if something attacked us. I picked up my pace a little and Sam followed. I heard a long howl erupt through the night. 

      "That's the first time I've heard a coyote in years,” Sam replied. Eventually we reached a big clearing on a hill. There was nothing but a single tree in the middle, and the old abandoned cabin. As we came closer, I noticed something off about the tree. There appeared to be something under the tree.

      "Ah Sam, take a look at this,” I poked him and pointed at the tree.

      "Oh shit!" Sam said and took off running towards the tree. I followed him. As we came up under it, we had just enough light from the moon to tell what it was. It was a freshly killed coyote. Ripped open down the middle and gutted. 

      What if this was the whimpering I heard last night? I thought to myself. My thoughts were interrupted by a noise coming from the edge of the clearing. It sounded like heavy footsteps crunching leaves. Something was walking back towards this clearing. Sam and I looked at each other and took off running. I don't know how long we ran, but our adrenaline kept our legs pumping. 

          We came to the little slope in the road and saw the lights of the cabin in the distance. Now I started to feel the effects and started to cramp, but that didn't stop me. I ran thought the door and collapsed on the floor. Sam followed after me. Will, who had been sitting on the couch watching TV, looked at us with shock. 

      "What the hell happened to y'all?" 

      "Coyote... dead..." I tried to get words out under my loud breathing. 

      It took me a while, but I regained my breath and sat on the couch to rest. 

      Sam had stood up and walked over and locked the doors to the cabin.

      "Something is out there in the woods. We saw a dead coyote. One that hasn't been dead long. We need to leave now,” Sam told Will.

      "Slow down; why were y'all running? Where is the car?" he asked. 

      "Genius over there locked his keys in the car, and we had to walk back,” Sam was now packing his things in his bag.

      "Hold up, we can't just leave in the middle of the night, we gotta clean up this lake house a little, or Dad is gonna be super pissed,” Will said.

      "I don't care what Dad thinks, I care about what is out there right now." 

      They got into one of there long arguments; and I was just was just sitting on the couch, trying to take everything in. 

      Their argument was interrupted by a large noise outside. Will and Sam stopped arguing and Will picked up one of the shotguns by the side door. 

      "Will, do not go out there!" Sam was practically screaming now.

      He ignored him and went out the door, cocking the shotgun. Sam did not follow. A long silence was interrupted by a loud bang, followed by more silence. Sam grabbed and loaded a pistol that had been in a drawer. We heard footsteps coming towards the door. Sam aimed. Will stepped into the door, holding a shotgun in one hand and a dead raccoon in the other.

      "It was just raccoons guys. Put down the gun!” 

      Sam set it down. I could tell he was very much freaked out by this whole incident. 

         After much dispute, we decided to stay the night and leave in the morning. I slept in a room across from Sam’s room in the hallway. Will slept in the master bedroom, which was still only the same size as ours. The only difference being that the entrance was from the living room instead of the hallway. Sam took the pistol in his room with him. I followed by getting into my own room. The sheets were dirty here, but I didn't really care about that anymore. 

      If it hadn’t been for how tired I was, I probably wouldn’t have slept that night. For a while, I just laid in my bed listening to the crickets chirping. But as I lay there, I couldn't help but notice another sound, the sound of footsteps on dirt and gravel as they circled the cabin. 

        I woke up to the sound of thunder. It was heavily raining outside. But there was another sound. The sound of something barely banging or scratching at one of the doors to the cabin. It was barely audible over the storm. I took me a moment to process what was happening. I jumped up, but not before I heard a bang louder than thunder. 

      It had broken in! I jumped back into my bed and looked around the room.  There was nowhere to hide but the closet. Which wasn't really much of a place to hide itself. I heard footsteps walking around the kitchen. I could hear my heart pounding in my chest even louder. Then I noticed something. My bed was close to the wall, but not right next to it. There was a small gap in between that I could barely fit into too. This was my best chance, so I took it. My breathing was so loud, I would probably give away my position if the creature came in here. But it never did. The footsteps eventually stopped. There was no more sound except for the tapping of rain and the occasional thunder. I lay there for what felt like hours. Finally I gathered enough nerve to stand up. I grabbed a small pocket knife out of my bag. It was the only thing I had to defend myself here. I slowly crept towards the door and pushed it open. Silence was the only response. I creeped down the hallway and peeked into the main room. The door was open and almost unhinged all the way. Rain was coming in hard and the floor was soaking wet. I quickly turned around and headed back to the hallway. I had to tell the others. Will's door was already wide open. This was strange, as I could have sworn he left it cracked last night. A sense of dread came over as I stepped into his room. There was no one in his bed. 

      "Sam! Get in here now!" I shouted, and then followed by running into his room. He had somehow slept through the whole thing. 

      "Wake up man,” I started pushing him. 

      "W-what?" he said drowsily as he got up. 

      "It's Will, he's not in his bed." 

      "So what? Maybe he went to go fishing early,” he said, still half asleep.

      "Do you hear the storm? Something broke in and it must have taken him." 

      "Stop messing with me." 

      "I swear to God, check his room,” Sam finally got up and walked out into the main room.

      "What the hell?" his mouth dropped when he saw the unhinged door. Once he saw Will wasn't in his room, he began to frantically search the cabin. 

      "Dude, he isn't going to be hiding in a closet. I heard the thing that took him. We need to leave this place now,” I tried telling him, but he wouldn't listen. He opened the door to the porch and stepped outside.

      "Will! Will!" he kept screaming. 

      "We need to leave now and get the police or the thing might come back for us,” I grabbed his shoulder and turned him around. He had tears in his eyes. My heart sank, this was his brother after all. I didn't know what to say to him. 

      "Fine, we get the fuck out of here now, and come back. We will come back,” Sam finally spoke. Then I remembered something Will had told me. The driveway to the cabin is sloped on a hill, coming at the house sideways. It was also all dirt. When it rained, it all became very muddy. And unless you have a very powerful car, then you can't get out. 

        I ran to the front door and out to the driveway. Just like I had expected, the driveway had turned into a mud bath. Sam's truck was an old 2-wheel drive, so that left Will's as the only option. The only problem was, we had no idea where the key was. I told Sam this and we tore up the whole cabin looking for it, but had no luck. 

      We were stuck here. Sam was now almost fully crying. I couldn't blame him. We were sitting ducks in here.

      "So what now, do we have to walk?" I asked. 

      "We don't have any other choice, and we don't have time to wait out the storm,” he replied. I was looking past him down at the lake when an idea popped into my head. 

      "The boat! Let's take the boat! We could find someone at there house up here, or the marina,” I became a little cheerful at the thought. But then I thought about the storm. Being stranded on the middle of a lake with lighting and wind did not sound like a good outcome. But it was better than possibly having to face whatever was out in the forest.

      "That's a horrible idea, that's one of the worst storms I've ever seen out there,” Sam must have been reading my mind. 

      "Do you really want to confront the thing that took your brother. We don't even know if it's human."

      "Don't give me that bullshit." 

      "You've seen the door. No human could be big enough to do that and still be as sneaky as it was taking your brother." 

      "You don't know if it took him. He could be outside somewhere."

      "Like where? His car is here, where on Earth would he go?" 

      "I don't know,” Sam was slowly starting to face the possible truth. 

          He finally agreed to take the boat. I took my pocket knife, but didn't worry about anything else. I was just worried about getting the hell out of this place. It took a while for him to crank the lift down. But once he did, we hurriedly left the dock. 

      Once we got out into the open water, I felt this was no better than our situation before. The sky itself looked menacing. It was filled with dark jagged clouds. We saw lighting constantly streak across the sky. And the night amount of rain made the visibility awful.  But the worst problem was the waves. The boat was quickly taking on water. We hadn't even gone that far when my ankles were already submerged. 

      "I knew this was a bad idea!" Sam yelled at me. I didn't respond. I couldn't help but agree with him. We were barely able to sit in the boat, and we constantly had to lean to keep it from flipping. 

      "We need to just..." Sam's voice was cut off by a large wave hitting the boat. This was to much for us and it toppled the small vessel. I felt myself go underwater and was spun around for a few times. I emerged back on top of the water, but the waves were constantly hitting my face. I could not see anything and could barely breathe. 

      "S-Sam! Sam!" I tried to call out but my mouth kept filling up with water. The current was pulling me quickly away, and I could not see Sam or the boat. I was a decent swimmer, but this was a nightmare. I could barely keep my head above water. The big waves would sometimes pick me up and carry me. I could make out that I was being carried to the shore. I felt relieved at first, but then panicked when I saw a group of halfway submerged trees in front of me. Slamming into one would not feel good, so I tried to swim away. But it was hopeless. A big wave picked me up and carried me headfirst into one of the biggest trees. Then everything went black.

        

      My eyes shot open. I was looking up at a cloudy sky and the tops of trees. I could hear birds in the background.

      Ouch, my head hurts a lot, then everything came back to me

      Sam! I jumped up and looked around. I was on a dirt beach. There was the lake in front of me and nothing but trees behind me. 

      Great, I thought. I was lost in the middle of nowhere now. At least the storm had stopped. I rubbed the spot on my forehead where it was hurting. Just as I had thought, there was a huge bump. I looked back towards the forest behind me. It was thick, but I had no choice but to go into it. I started heading right, towards where I assumed the cabin was. A blood-curdling scream stopped me in my footsteps. It sent shivers down my spine. I changed my direction and headed left, away from whatever had made that God-awful noise. It sounded eerily similar to the one me and Sam had heard earlier. There were other houses on the lake, and If I kept walking, then I would probably come up on one. 

           The dirt beach was only a little patch, so I couldn't walk on the shoreline. The forest was dense and hard to walk through. I kept walking into spiderwebs. And branches scratched at me. I was fearful I would step on a snake, but a much bigger fear kept me going. Every now and then, the woods would clear up, and I actually had room to breathe. But that was rare. As I walked, I couldn't stop thinking about Will and Sam Where were they? What would I say when I came back alone? That someone or something was stalking us, and possibly took one of us? But these were the least of my worries. I just wanted to get out of this place right now. 

             My heart jumped when I saw flashes of white through the trees. It had to be the side of some building. I took off running. The trees ended and I was standing at the edge of a field. There was a big 2-story white house in the middle, just as I had thought. 

      It had a path leading to a dock on the lake house, and an old white van in the parking lot. 

      That meant someone was there. But as I got closer, I noticed something off about the house. The yard was horribly overgrown, and vines crept up the walls of the house. It looked like no one had been here in a while. The door was wide open. I came up to it and knocked anyway. No response. I tried several more times before deciding to walk in.

      "Hello? Anyone here? I need help. I think someone took my friends,” I called out. But once again, nothing but crickets answered. I made my way to the main room, and I almost jumped at what I saw. There was a big bookshelf across the middle of the room. Only there weren't books on it. Instead, there were bottles of all sizes holding liquids of all types. That's when it hit me. These were the neighbors Will and Sam had told me about. I didn't think anyone was home now, which was odd because of the car. Unless that meant that thing was the person... I didn't tread on the thought. I needed to find a phone, or keys, or something. 

         I slowly headed upstairs. This whole place was dirty and dusty, like no one had been here for while. And there was this god-awful smell. After finding nothing upstairs, I headed back downstairs. My heart skipped a beat when I noticed something I had missed earlier. All over the floor was dry blood. It looked like it wasn't even red anymore; almost brown. It was a trail too. A trail leading to the door and out.

          What the hell happened here? This place was worse than the forest. The main room's entire floor was the color of the blood. At first I had thought that was just the paint. I noticed another door open. I got closer and saw stairs leading down to a dark room. More blood followed down it. I was scared but I needed to check down there for more supplies. Possibly a gun, or a knife, or anything that could protect me. I slowly walked down the stairs. The smell only got worse. Whatever it was, it was coming from down here. I got to the bottom and peered around. There was just enough light coming from upstairs to make out what was down here. The smell was stronger than ever, and was by far the worst thing I have ever smelled. It didn't take long for me to find the source. At first I thought it was someone sleeping, but I gasped in horror once I got closer. On the floor lay two decaying corpses. Their torsos were ripped wide open, most of the their intestines had been ripped out. The skin on there faces and arms was rotting. One of their throats was ripped open. Maggots were crawling all over them. I turned around and vomited. There skin wasn't cut precisely like a knife would do; it was ripped, like it was done by claws or teeth. No human could do this. I mean, no human would do this. One of them had a revolver clutched in his hand still. I reluctantly pulled it out, his flesh making a tearing sound. I normally go hunting, so I'm used to blood and gore, but this, this was too much. 

          Unfortunately, there was nothing in the gun. I set it down with disappointment. Then I noticed something on the other body. Strapped to its side was a long machete. I pulled it out of its sheathe. It was rusted, but still sharp. I also noticed a box of matches sticking out of the body's pocket. I pulled it out, carefully avoiding making contact with the flesh, if you could call it that. I opened it, and thankfully, the box was half way full. Looks like not everything was going wrong today. 

          I began to head back to the staircase, but stopped. The birds had stopped chirping. Everything was quiet. Almost everything. I thought I heard something. The sound of floorboards creaking. But it wasn't the normal kind of creaking. No, this was the sound of something walking. I listened a little longer to make sure I wasn't hearing things. I wasn't, something was definitely walking around upstairs. Fear flooded my heart. My breathing picked up. If the thing came down here, I would have no way to get out. I would have to fight my way out. I listened closer. It was moving around slowly. I thought I may have heard a growl too. Then I noticed something different about the footsteps. I could barely make it out; but there was no mistaking the sound of footsteps on the staircase. And it wasn't getting closer either. The thing was going upstairs. 

           This was my chance, I quietly, but hurriedly made my way up the stairs and out of the basement. I was walking out of the main room and to the door when an idea struck me. I looked over at the shelf of alcohol. Quickly, I grabbed a few bottles; in case I would need them later. Then I used all my strength to push the whole thing over. There was a large crash followed by alcohol sweeping over the floor. The thing definitely heard that, because I heard him moving quickly. I pulled out the matches and tried to strike one, to no avail. The thing was now quickly rushing down the stairs. I tried again and fire lit up at the red tip. I immediately responded by dropping it and running. I quickly felt the heat at my back as I leapt out of the door.

            I turned around to see most of the building already on fire, smoke leaking out of the windows. Nothing followed me out of the flames. It didn't take long for the fire to spread to the rest of the building; the flames reaching towards the air like claws grasping for prey. Maybe it was just the sound of the house burning, but I could barely make out a moaning sound, coming from inside the hell-shack. I didn't stick around to watch the show. The sky was orange, like the flames, but now it was turning purple. Eventually the purple consumed the sky, and night took over day. I didn't stop walking. I wasn't even sure exactly where I was walking. I had picked a direction I assumed was to the cabin, and went from there. 

         It was a full moon, so I wasn't at least blindly running around a forest. I could still make out a little smoke from the fire, but it was harder now at night. At one point I felt a sting on my arm. My instant reaction shaking off whatever was causing it. A spider fell to a tree stump below me. I could barely make it out in the moonlight. I used to hate spiders. Was a little scared of them too. Something so unnatural about their look. That's all you had to normally worry about in a forest here: spiders and snakes. But this was a different forest, and I was not worried about these creatures anymore. 

      I walked for a very long time. Much longer than I did earlier. Eventually my legs grew weary, and I had to rest. I sat on a tree stump and thought. Even if I had set that thing on fire, it barely helped my situation. I was lost. By now the smoke was gone, so I had no direction. The quiet night was suddenly interrupted by a piercing screech. This was similar to the one I heard earlier; but louder, angrier. And it was close too. It sent shivers down my spine. That was when I knew for sure. I was being hunted. 

      The moon had climbed to its highest point, and had begun to climb back down. Fueled by fear, I kept walking. I figured I had to hit some civilization at one point. This county wasn't completely abandoned. I didn't hear anything else from the creature again. I didn't know if that was good or bad. I constantly heard leaves crunching, twigs cracking; but I had no idea what was causing it. At one point a deer jumped in front of me. I had almost taken off into a sprint before I recognized it. I wanted to stop and sleep, but I knew this thing was angry, and it wouldn't stop. It obviously had a great sense of smell, so there was no point in trying to hide either. I had come to a rut. 

          The only thing I could do was keep walking, so walk I did. Just when I had begun to give up hope, I saw something that changed my mind. Through the thick of the trees, I could see water. I knew it was water because I could of the moonlight reflecting off of it. I broke off into a sprint. Branches kept whacking my face, but I didn't care. Once it came into full view, I realized that this wasn’t just any body of water. It was the pond Sam and I had been to the other day. And my car was still sitting there. I felt like I wanted to shout with relief. It was like something, someone out there was helping me. 

            I burst into a sprint with what little energy I had left to reach there. I grabbed the handle and pulled, only to remember that it was locked. But I wasn't gonna give up. I hadn't made it this far just die a door away from freedom. Ideas ran through my head while I frantically looked around. My eyes landed on a set of descent sized rocks. They were in a circle, like a border for a camp fire. I knew what I had to do. I quickly picked one up and headed back to the car. But then I stopped. If I did this, this forest would be blasted with the loud sound of the car alarm. And in this quiet night, it would be heard for miles. And then that thing would surely be alerted of my position. But this was my best hope. I brought down the rock as hard as I could on the window of the driver's door. A loud crack was immediately followed by an even louder repeating honk. 

          I reached in and manually pulled up the lock, then I flung the door open. Not wasting any time, I grabbed the keys, which had been laying in the seat, and jabbed them into the ignition. I turned my hand and the engine roared up, ending the obnoxious alarm. The alarm had still gone off for a solid 10 seconds before i started the car. Any creatures in the surrounding woods would have heard it loud and clear. I hopped onto the driver’s seat, remembering to take the bottles of alcohol with me. 

            Sam's shotgun was still sitting in the backseat, shells right next to it. I grabbed it and loaded it as fast I could. Now I wasn't just some helpless prey. I clicked on my brights and headed down the dark dirt road. I drove for a while in silence. The moon had gone behind some clouds, and hadn't bothered to come back out. Now, other than my headlights, I was in pitch black darkness. It took a while until I recognized where I was. Once I saw a tree that had fallen over, I knew I was by the field with the old house. The same field where me and Sam had been chased a couple nights ago. But that also meant I was close to the main road. 

            My thoughts were interrupted when something came into the bright white beams of my headlights. A figure had been standing in the middle of the road. Something muscular and covered in a fur coat. But it wasn't a deer or a coyote. This was bigger. It stood on its hind legs. Long arms came down to its knees. At the end of each were paws with a set of long claws. The head came to a long snout. Its lips were drawn back in a snarl, showing long and sharp fangs. It had pointed ears like a big cat. Its eyes were black and soulless. Its fur was short, and there were a few patches that showed burn marks. I was frozen with shock. I felt a sudden chill run through my bones; one that made me feel… numb. I had only felt like this once before. Before I had ever been to this lake. Before, when I put three bullets into another living creature. Only then had I feel the same feeling of death, the same feeling of… nothingness. But this time, it was bigger. This time, It filled the whole air.  It let out a growl before moving to my car. It walked light on its feet.  The thing towered over the car, and had to be at least 10 feet. 

          It slammed its arms down on the hood of the car, denting it and causing the car to shake. I came to my senses and reached for the shotgun. Smoke was now coming from the engine. I aimed and fired. The glass shattered and the creature stepped back, letting out a growl of pain. I pumped and fired again. Blood splattered me and the car. The creature fell on its back. Wherever I hit it, it had hurt the creature. I pushed the gas pedal, but the only response was a clicking sound from the smoking engine. I grabbed the bottles and jumped out of the car. My adrenaline was pumping and my first thought was to run away. I listened and took off down the road, leaving the creature and the car behind me. I quickly came to the field and took off running through it. I needed to reload the shotgun, but I didn't want to stop in a wide open area. My ears were ringing and my head was spinning. But the moon had come back and I could at least see. I saw the old abandoned house and headed there. The side of the wall was torn down, so I stepped in and sat down. 

          My head started to clear and I put three more shells into the bottom of the shotgun. That's when I noticed the smell. The same smell as earlier, but stronger. The smell of death. The moonlight was shining through the small cabin, so I I could see all around it. It was overgrown and full of cobwebs. The wood was rotting, and filled with termites. The back half of the house had also collapsed. I made my to what I assumed was the kitchen. Old shelves lined the walls. Half of it was filled with collapsed wood. Then I noticed a big hole in the collapsed wood. Big enough for someone or something to crawl through. It seemed to be the source of the smell, so I climbed through it. It led me down a tunnel to a room.  If I had eaten anything recently, I most definitely would have threw it all back up. There was enough moonlight seeping through to see a little bit of the cave. And the first thing that had come into my sight was a body. A body that had been mutilated and gutted. 

           Its face was too mangled to see, but I could tell who it was from the ripped up clothing. Will, or Sam. One of them had met a grisly fate. A hole was ripped down the middle, and the body's organs were still hanging out. Fresh blood seeped out slowly too. Claw marks and bite marks were all over the body. One arm had been torn off. I could see the bone poking out of a fleshy stump, and I could tell where it had snapped clean through. I felt tears roll down my face. Will and Sam were my best friends. And this thing had taken them from me, and everyone else. Then I noticed the other corpses too. Thankfully it was to dark too see the details of most of them, but the room was full of them. I could make out some skeletons. They appeared to be of deer, cats or coyotes. I took a step back and stepped on something squishy. I felt a lukewarm liquid run over my feet and jumped away. That's when I noticed the moonlight begin to fade away. There was a large shadow blocking the exit. I thought I was seeing things, but then the shadow moved and my heart sank. I had foolishly left the shotgun in the kitchen, and I was cornered now. I was tired of this and began to accept my fate when I felt something in my pocket. I still had a bottle of alcohol in my pocket. I quickly pulled it out and chucked it at the slow moving shadow. There was a crack followed by a growl, and the shadow began to move faster. Still backing up, I pulled out the matches and struck one on the side of the box. With the little light it emitted I could make out the ugly face of the creature. 

      "You like fire, asshole!" I sneered and chucked the match at the shadow. The room was immediately lit up by a ball of flame. The creature screeched in pain and agony. I tried to run past it but it reached out and grabbed my arm. His arm was on fire, and his claws sunk deep into my arm. I screamed in pain. I felt the nothingness engulf me wholly . I felt it grip my soul.The heat from the fire cauterized the wound, so no blood came out . I remembered my pocket knife, pulled it out, and began stabbing away. After few jabs, the creature finally let go and I fell back. I turned around and ran, not even bothering to see the effects of the flames. I felt the claws barely miss my back as  I stumbled back up the tunnel.

            I came back to the kitchen and remembered to grab the shotgun before running out. I heard a pop as my foot caught and I face planted into the hard wood. Pain shot through my ankle. My foot had caught on a raised up floorboard. Ignoring the pain, I got up and continued to make my way out. But I could only half-limp, half-jog. I didn't stop ’til I got outside the home. Once I was a good distance away, I stopped to look back at the cabin. Nothing had followed me back out. I readied the shotgun and waited some more. But I was only met with the orange filled wave of sunrise peaking over the tops of the trees. The chirping songs of birds filled the once-silent woods. Grass gleamed in the sunlight. 


            I sat down next to my car, covered with blood. Nature can be so beautiful, I thought as I saw two young turkeys cross the field. They quickly turned around and ran back once they came close to the old cabin. I got up and rummaged through the back of my car and pulled out a fishing rod. Strange, I used to hate fishing as a kid, but now I found it... relaxing. You, alone with nature. Away from the stresses of the world. I hooked my bait, watching as it tore through the flesh of the worm. It squirmed, helpless under a much larger creature. I never got a chance to fish at the pond. And I heard that the fish in there were plentiful and huge. Carrying only the rod; I headed off through the field, sunlight beaming through the trees. 

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    • I only had to read the first few paragraphs before coming across a plethora of issues. There are issues with punctuation/capitalization/spelling/awkward wording/etc, and that's just in the first three paragraphs. Every now and then there's a situation such as yours where the author keeps making revisions hoping to finally get the story accepted, but it's simply not going to happen at the moment. You're too far from meeting the quality standards, and I really think it's going to take a lot more reading and practicing for you to grasp what it takes to write a story that someone will actually want to read.

      Even if there were no technical errors, the story is still poorly worded and a chore to get through. I'm not telling you to never write again, but I am telling you that right now you need to give up on the hope of getting your story on the site and focus on learning about writing. Please feel free to use the workshop and hang around the site, but I personally am not going to keep going over and over the same story when it's simply too far from being acceptable. The best thing you can do is read as much as you can. Keeping a journal is also a good place to start. I would even recommend copying a few paragraphs or even a page a day from books that you like to get a feel for what it's like to write properly. Feel free to post your stories here as you continue to practice, but I would strongly advise keeping them much, much shorter for a while. I'm talking like a fourth of what you have written above. I don't really know what else to say. Hope this helps.

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    • Hello, Tide16. I have read all versions of this story and see all the improvements you made throughout each of your revisions. However, I noticed that there were still many issues present with your story.

      First off, there were several punctuation errors present in your story. I'm not going to list them, but you I recommend you ensure all your future stories are properly punctuated.

      Second, even though you clearly tried to correct several of your typos/misspellings, grammatical errors and awkwardly worded phrases, I still noticed that you had many errors that remained uncorrected. Here is a list of such errors I found while reading your newly revised story:

      It just felt wrong to have to put another living animal... (The use of "another" in this case would imply that the narrator and the deer are both animals, which is clearly not the case as the narrator is a human.)

      Will and Sam where (were) my two best friends...

      ...for being too (omit "too") redneck(s).

      i (I) was their only real friend.

      ...at 12 at night ("in the morning" as 12:00am is considered morning)...

      ...drive to a subway (Subway. This should be capitalized as it is the name of a company)...

      ...I listened to the closely to sounds (closely to the sounds) of the summer night.

      ...it's (its) lips...showing of it's (its) fangs... (keep in mind it's = it is, its = possessive)

      We only (know/do) because of how...

      Sure some of them did call someone (What does this mean? Who called who? Were locals calling the police? Please specify).

      Once we got back, me and Sam (Sam and I) packed...

      ...since I lived in a city were (where) cars were...

      They (The) key's buttons were broken...

      "Please look for it (them) then!" Sam said...

      ...Sam walked back to the shack (What shack? The narrator made no previous mention of a shack).

      I ran thought (through) the door and collapsed...

      ...one of their long arguments; and I was just was just (omit second "was just") sitting on the couch...

      Their argument was interrupted by a large (loud) noise outside.

      There was a small gap that I could barely fit into too (omit "too").

      I creeped (crept) down the hallway...

      We will come back (Why is "We" italicized? Italics are used for emphasis. Why is "we" being emphasized?).

      We could find someone at there (the) house up here...

      Being stranded in the middle of a lake with lighting (lightning) and wind...

      We saw lighting (lightning) constantly streak...

      This was to (too) much for us and it toppled...

      I felt myself go underwater and was spun around for (omit "for") a few times.

      ...away from whatever had made that God-awful (God awful) noise.

      It sounded eerily similar to the one me and Sam (Sam and I) heard earlier (The narrator states that the night before that he heard a "whimper", but now he states that he is hearing a "blood-curdling scream". A whimper sounds vastly different from a scream).

      This whole place was dirty and dusty, like no one had been here for while (a while).

      ...most of the (omit "the") their intestines...

      The skin on there (their) faces and arms was rotting.

      The narrator sees corpses are obviously extremely mangled. How could he have mistaken them for someone sleeping? Was the lighting initially poor?

      There (their) skin wasn't cut precisely...

      There was a large (loud) crash followed by alcohol sweeping (spilling) over the floor.

      ...so I wasn't at least (at least I wasn't) blindly running around the forest.

      It obviously had a great sense of smell (How exactly was it made obvious that the creature had a great sense of smell?)

      I hadn't made it this far just (to) die a door away from freedom.

      I turned my hand and the engine roared up, ending the obnoxious alarm. The alarm had still gone off for a solid 10 seconds before i (I) started the car. (Perhaps you should switch these sentences around, i.e., "The alarm had gone off for a solid 10 seconds before I turned my hand and the engine roared up, ending the obnoxious alarm.")

      I hopped onto (into) the driver's seat...

      ...shining through the cabin so I I (omit second "I") could see all around it.

      I made my (way) to what I assumed was the kitchen.

      If I had eaten anything recently, I most definitely would have threw (thrown) it all back up.

      Thankfully it was to (too) dark too (to) see the details...

      I felt a lukewarm liquid run over my feet (How could he have felt this? This would either mean that he was barefoot or he had holes in his shoes.).

      After (a) few jabs, the creature...

      Finally, I understand how you were trying to create a symbolic ending that tied into an element first mentioned in the beginning (the mention of "I used to hate fishing"), however, this ending does not seem appropriate or realistic. He escaped being killed by this creature and one of his friends was killed and mutilated. If this were to happen to a person in real life, they would attempt to call the police or, if they had no access to a phone, they would try to find some sort of help. In your story, however, we have the narrator who has clearly gone through a traumatic event, yet he still decides to go fishing. I'm sorry but this feels way too unrealistic. I think you should try to write an ending that is both appropriate given the circumstances yet still has the symbolism you were trying to go for. Perhaps he could call for the police and/or ambulance and after they arrive and start tending to the scene, then the narrator decides to go fishing out on the lake.

      I highly recommend that you take time to sit and read any stories you write aloud to yourself. This will allow you to catch grammatical/wording errors that auto-correct may not recognize. You may be surprised by what you find.

      As Jay Ten mentioned, this pasta will most likely not be accepted to the wiki due to these present errors, however, I think that this story was still very much a decent attempt to write a good Creepypasta. Yes, few people will be able to write a decent story on their first few tries, but don't let that discourage you from trying again in the future. I would recommend at the very least saving this story so you can keep it for yourself. I can tell you invested a lot of time in this story and it would be a shame to see all that effort undone. Use all the constructive criticism you receive on your stories to learn how to improve your skills and make your a better overall writer. I hope my review here has been at least somewhat helpful to you. Best of luck with all your future stories.

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    • A FANDOM user
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