Dude, it's fine. I know you're going through something tough, and I'm really sorry about that. I do care that you're okay, because that can be really tough on people, and I want to see you feeling well again before the holidays end. Again, I'm sorry that this happened to you, and, even though there's nothing I can do, I hope you can get through this.
What kind of ISS are you in?
Also, I'm sorry that you can't talk to many people. I hope that your girlfriend can come back to you and your life gets easier.
I think that you can make well-written stories if you work at it. I suggest taking 30 minutes to revise the work afterwards, and fix any erratic punctuation or spelling, or to read it out loud in your head ~30 minutes after you finish. If you are already doing that, I don't know what to say. I'm sorry.
Your story, as Empy stated, was below quality standards. Why do you assume we want a copy of your story?
Call me rude or insensitive, whatever. I don't give a flying finger. Calling your story "good" when it's basically a wall of nonsensical text just pushes your narcissism to a whole new level.
I hate when people use age or the fact English isn't there first language as an excuse. If you write something in English and publish it anywhere it has to meet a certin quality. We don't give pity passes to people.
You need build up and inner dioalog. You're just telling what happens (Poorly at that) and not showing or making it interesting. Also it's a wall of text, the " " are used wrong, and I don't understand why names are in the (bubbles) like that.
This thread is phenomenally long. It ought to be dead and it's long since past it's sell-by date. The purpose has been fulifilled; the OP has received feedback, everything's been sorted and wrapped up neatly with a bow.
@PCYC0, you have my sympathies, but if you and Derp wanna exchange any more messages of support I think it'd be best to do it through your talk pages. You can always message me for advice or help about anything, but I think it'd be best to bury this thread and move the conversation elsewhere.