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  • “Take me instead,” pleaded by Michael as he cried desperately towards the torturer.

    The hulking monstrosity turned around and gave a small yet noticeable smirk with its wide drooling mouth. He turned back again and proceeded to slowly bash Melissa with its spiked mace, hand by hand. The beast knew that this couple would provide all the satisfaction it craved for its thirst of violence.


    In all of my time spent living in this piece of trash, I've never realized that being a writer could be so much fun. I thought it was a boring hobby to begin with but overtime I've come to really enjoy it. Who doesn't love having the ability to create countless intricate dimensions just by creating the simplest of stories; whether it's high quality or not.

    Best of all, anyone can force their own creation to undergo through such simple yet painful scenarios without the thought of needing to face repercussions. That's why I, unlike most people have always chosen a terrible or tragic end to my beloved characters as it's exciting as watching porn.

    It's quite entertaining to see them squirming or pleading for mercy when facing their demise, but it's even more amusing when you remove them from that situation to witness their looks of relief, only for them to be thrown at something far more worse.

    I've read numerous works from the most well-known authors to the obscure of the bunch. I know how it goes, the characters, the settings, the atmosphere, the themes and most importantly, the damn plot. Despite spending immeasurable amounts of my time reading critically, I still have a long way to go in terms of writing my own masterpiece.

    The journey is treacherous yet once that small step is taken, you shall have no trouble producing amazing content. Nevertheless, nobody has ever reach the top of that summit as it's considered to be most challenging of excursions. Either way, let's get back to the work.


    Yet it wanted more but couldn't forced anymore out of them, at the cost of the couple's suffering; they shall be allowed to live and as such the creature released them back into the woods where they came from. Although the couple endured through massive injuries, it won't the kill them; the brute made sure of it.

    After all, it always observed the victims from a distance afar to see them being traumatized. Most importantly, by living they shall spread the encounter meaning some more foolish hooligans should be arriving towards its domain soon which is literal music to its ears.

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    • Saw your note. I can't review it now, but I'll be happy to do it later.

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    • Derpyspaghetti wrote:
      Saw your note. I can't review it now, but I'll be happy to do it later.

      No worries my brother. By the way, congrats on getting your story narrated by Creeparoni.

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    • Of everything I've witnessed entirety [entirely; though even with this change the sentence remains clumsy] across this stunning world, I've never seen such [delete; such] life displaying this unusual behavior before. They called [call] themselves humans I presume, not an accurate [or] fitting name if you ask me.

      Why please stop laughing my fellow siblings, ya'll [I’ll just say that ‘ya’ll’ doesn’t work; it’s a colloquialism and it doesn’t suit the language] know I don't tolerant [tolerate] being a running [‘running mockery’ is not a phrase] mockery here right? Sure, these creatures are notorious for its [their] blood shed amongst others and their own. But give a ponder [‘give a ponder’ is not a phrase; delete ‘give a’]  'bout [‘bout is also a colloquialism; for that matter you can delete ‘bout’ as well since ponder means “to think about something”] it for second, what differentiates them from the rest of the crowd?

      Kinda obvious actually, like most intelligent lifeforms they have adapted numerous writing systems. Not a [an] impressive feat you might consider, but take a good damn and closer look [the ‘good damn and’ part here just doesn’t work – you can say ‘take a good damned look’ or ‘take a damn/damned closer look’] at their writings. You'll notice several of 'em appears [appear] to be written in the form of storytelling; quite similar to what our father does.

      The tremendous mount [amount] of effort they're willing to undergo through [delete; through] just to write a story is simply astonishing. Nothing I've seen before have [has] ever exhibit [exhibited] such [a] strange nature and everything they've written is portrayed so accurately. I couldn't even begin to imagine the time it takes to produce such amazing content.

      I've personally read their works starting from the most well-known to the least of the bunch and I still can't get over it. And little do they know [that] by creating such spectacular works, they're becoming Gods in a way. Creating countless intricate dimensions; all uniquely perfected [awkward], I believe you all have seen it for yourselves at one point. [you all have – this is an odd phrasing. Rather “you have all” is more common]

      Best part is, their willingness to subject their own creations through [to] simple yet painful scenarios simply [repetition] to entertain themselves and others alike. And you thought our oldest brother was cruel. Oh man, do humans deserve that title now.

      I wouldn't be too harsh though, being fictional work themselves probably [probably is a ‘filler’ word; it can harm the flow unless it’s %100 necessary] had [took] it's [its] toll on them after all.

      -

      Mechanical – you’d benefit from studying the literature on tenses and sentence construction. Also your choice to litter the writing with phrases like ‘y’all’ and ‘’bout’ makes it all feel very weird.

      Style – Kinda already covered that; either way the biggest issue is ‘tonal dissonance’ or, basically, having a story that varies wildly in the tone of writing. Is it serious, or silly? When you write things like “Of all the things I have seen across the entirety of the universe, I have never seen life display such unusual behaviour before” in one sentence and then write “y’all better a goddam look” it feels disjointed and odd.

      Plot – For what it’s worth I quite liked the overall premise but I’m not sold on a few details (not everyone perfects their stories, nor does everyone work very hard to write. Painful as it is to admit it comes very naturally to some people). Nonetheless – I liked the overall idea and I even liked the little twist near the end.

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    • Author Notes: Coincidentally I was doing a second draft of this till I saw your comment. I've fixed the issues you mentioned though I still require some more insight to it. I was trying an unique writing style; guess that backfired lol.

      Of everything I've observed while scouring across this never-ending yet stunning world; I've never witnessed life displaying such unusual behavior before. They refer to themselves as humans I presume, not a fitting or accurate name if you ask me.

      My fellow brothers and sisters, you know I don't tolerate being laughed off right? Knows what I'm capable of yet have the audacity to make me a running joke. And to answer some of you, I've heard the reputation regarding these apes. Notorious for their violence amongst others and their own despite retaining high levels of intelligence. But ponder for second, what differentiates them from the rest of the crowd?

      Kinda obvious actually, like most intelligent lifeforms they've adapted numerous writing systems. Not an impressive feat you might consider, but take a good damned closer look. You might notice several of their writings appear to be written in a form of storytelling; quite to what our father does.

      The tremendous amount of effort they're willing to undergo to write a story out instead of speaking it is simply astonishing. Nothing I've seen before has ever exhibit such a strange nature and everything they've written is portrayed so accurately. I couldn't even begin to imagine the time it takes to produce such amazing content.

      I've personally read their works starting from the most well-known to the least of the bunch and I still can't get over it. And little do they know that by creating such spectacular works, they're becoming Gods in a way. Creating countless intricate dimensions; all slightly different from another, I believe all of you have seen it at least once.

      Best part is, their willingness to subject their own creations to simple yet painful scenarios solely to entertain themselves and others alike. And you thought our oldest brother was cruel. Oh man, do humans deserve that title now.

      I wouldn't be too harsh though, being fictional work themselves had its toll on them after all.

      P.S: Which details were you not "sold on", I'm dying to know more about it.

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    • Well like I said not everyone perfects their stories, not all stories are told accurately, and writing isn't the only thing that makes us unique (but rather art as whole; not to mention oral histories are also important). Also many people write their stories very quickly (Stephen King could write a book in less than a week, but the famous sci-fi author Philip K Dick had even him beat. He could write 30,000 words in a night ready to be published the next day.) Also why is the name "human" not accurate or fitting given that it has no other meaning?

      Also I'm not sure intelligent life would ever exist without a writing system. Is it really the case that we would be unique among intelligent life forms for this reason?

      Like I said I'm willing to let these details go given the general gist of the story and the fact it's quite entertaining, but you did ask so I'd let you know.

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    • Sadly the human name part will have to be address in another pasta. I intend to make sure all of my stories will fit together in this gigantic intricate dimension I'm creating.

      It wasn't writing system I wanted to point out the humans for. It was the fact that they were willing to spend their time creating stories for fun.

      (Since this universe is expanding non-stop, who's the say life can't develop intelligence just because they lack the ability to create a sophisticated writing system. But then again, I'm no scientist so I added 'like more' just to be safe. Looking at you the greys.)

      Other than that, you managed to give me another important lesson of being a writer. And you managed to spark another idea from my head to expand this story little bit more.

      I'm gonna say it again, thanks for helping me out with this story & in a way given me more advice in general!

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    • Sorry for being so late w/ the review.

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    • Of everything I've observed while scouring across this never-ending yet stunning world; (This should be a comma) I've never witnessed life displaying such unusual behavior before. They refer to themselves as humans I presume, not a fitting or accurate name if you ask me. (Please address this soon, I want to know what you mean by 'not accurate')

      My fellow brothers and sisters, you know I don't tolerate being laughed off (,) right? (Being 'laughed off' isn't a thing. Being 'Laughed at', however, is.) Knows (That (<-) should be 'You know.) what I'm capable of (,) yet have the audacity to make me a running joke. And to answer some of you, I've heard the reputation regarding these apes. Notorious for their violence amongst others and their own(,) despite retaining high levels of intelligence. But ponder for (a) second, what differentiates them from the rest of the crowd?

      Kinda obvious actually, like most intelligent lifeforms they've adapted numerous writing systems. Not an impressive feat you might consider, but take a good damned (Good damned isn't a thing you can say. I would change this to something more like 'good, close look.) closer look. You might notice several of their writings appear to be written in a form of storytelling; (This should be a comma.) quite (You should put something there, such as 'contrary') to what our father does.

      The tremendous amount of effort they're willing to undergo to write a story out instead of speaking it is simply astonishing. Nothing I've seen before has ever exhibit such a strange nature and everything they've written is portrayed so accurately. I couldn't even begin to imagine the time it takes to produce such amazing (I feel like the word 'amazing is out of place here) content.

      I've personally read their works starting from the most well-known to the least of the bunch and I still can't get over it. (A comma would fit better there) And little do they know that by creating such spectacular works, they're becoming Gods in a way. Creating countless intricate dimensions; (A comma would fit better there as well) all slightly different from another, I believe all of you have seen it at least once.

      Best part is, their willingness to subject their own creations to simple yet painful scenarios solely to entertain themselves and others alike. And you thought our oldest brother was cruel. Oh man, do humans deserve that title now.

      I wouldn't be too harsh though, being fictional work themselves had its toll on them after all. (I don't think this last sentence needs to be a separate paragraph.)


      Story: This was actually really good. I enjoyed the tone of the story, and it fit well with the content. All in all, I could see this up on the wiki.

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    • Author Notes: Thanks for the review Derpy, I fixed all of the issues mentioned; especially the comma splices. Given the second thought, I've removed the accurate name part.

      Of everything I've observed while scouring across this never-ending yet stunning world, I've never witnessed life displaying such unusual behavior before. They refer to themselves as humans I presume, not a nice fitting name if you ask me.

      My fellow brothers and sisters, you know I don't tolerate being laughed at, right? You know what I'm capable of yet, have the audacity to make me a running joke. And to answer some of you, I've heard the reputation regarding these apes. Notorious for their violence amongst others and their own despite retaining high levels of intelligence. But ponder for a second, what differentiates them from the rest of the crowd?

      Kinda obvious actually, like most intelligent lifeforms they've adapted numerous writing systems. Not an impressive feat you might consider, but take a good damned look. You might notice several of their writings appear to be written in a form of storytelling, quite similar to what our father does.

      The tremendous amount of effort they're willing to undergo to write out a story instead of speaking it is simply astonishing. Perhaps what they've written aren't perfect but they constantly strive to portray it as accurately as possible. Nothing I've seen before has ever exhibited such a strange nature. I couldn't even begin to imagine the time it takes to produce such magnificent content.

      I've personally read their art starting from the most well-known to the least of the bunch and I still can't get over it, and little do they know that by creating such spectacular works, they're becoming Gods in a way. Creating countless intricate dimensions, all slightly different from another, I believe all of you have seen it at least once.

      Best part is, their willingness to subject their own creations to simple yet painful scenarios solely to entertain themselves and others alike. And you thought our oldest brother was cruel. Oh man, do humans deserve that title now. I wouldn't be too harsh though, being fictional work themselves had its toll on them after all.

      EDIT: By the way, does anyone have any ideas on a better title. This one just seems off to me but I'll keep it if there's nothing else.

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    • You're going to hate me, but this still needs work. I see what you're going for, but it lacks clarity. The narrator's voice also doesn't fit that well and seems a bit inconsistent here and there. The wording is still a bit awkward at times, but it is improving. This is all still a bit foggy and needs some clearing up.

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    • No worries my brother, I'm now more than willing to get my story up on the site. Though I have to fix the issues presented in the story like you mentioned.

      "Kinda obvious actually, like most intelligent lifeforms they've adapted numerous writing systems. Not an impressive feat you might consider, but take a good damned look. You might notice several of their writings appear to be written in a form of storytelling, quite similar to what our father does.

      The tremendous amount of effort they're willing to undergo to write out a story instead of speaking it is simply astonishing. Perhaps what they've written aren't perfect but they constantly strive to portray it as accurately as possible. Nothing I've seen before has ever exhibited such a strange nature. I couldn't even begin to imagine the time it takes to produce such magnificent content."

      I believe this was part where the narrator's voice was inconsistent right? Also which part need some clearing up?

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    • Author Notes: I thought about doing a second draft; it backfired me again. In the end, I changed most of the sentences and presumably fixed all of the awkward wording problems.


      While observing and scouring across this constantly expanding universe, never have I ever witnessed life displaying this unusual behavior before. These creatures refer to themselves as humans I presume, not a nice fitting name if you ask me.


      Brothers, sisters please control your childish attitude. You know what I'm capable, right? To answer some of you all, I've heard about the reputation regarding these hairless apes. Quite notorious for their violence among others and their own despite retaining high levels of intelligence, I'll have to admit. But ponder for a second, why am I so interested in them all of the sudden?

      Unlike most advanced lifeforms they've adapted countless writing systems. Not an impressive feat you might say, but take a careful and closer look at writings. Perhaps you'll notice that several of their crafts appeared to be done in the form of storytelling, quite similar to what our father does.

      If you dig deeper into it, you shall see for yourselves the tremendous amount of effort these creatures are more than willing to undergo just to write out a story is simply astonishing. Sure what they've written aren't perfect yet they constantly strive to portray everything; no matter how big or small as accurately as possible. I can't even begin to imagine the time it takes to produce such magnificent content. Nothing I've ever seen before has exhibited such strange nature.

      I've personally spent my time reading their art starting from the most well-known to the obscure of the bunch and I still can't get over it. Little do they know that by creating such spectacular works, they're becoming Gods in a way. Creating countless intricate dimensions, all slightly different from another, I believe all of you have heard about it at least once.

      Best part is, they're eager to subject their own creations to simple yet painful scenarios solely to entertain themselves and impress others alike. And you thought our oldest brother was cruel. I wouldn't be too harsh though, being fictional work themselves had its toll on them after all.


      Hey Jay, if you still think this isn't clear enough; do you think I should change the word "themselves" in the last sentence into "of our father's" instead?

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    • While observing and scouring across this constantly expanding universe, never have I ever witnessed life displaying this unusual behavior before. These creatures refer to themselves as humans(,) I presume, not a nice (The word 'nice' is technically correct here, but 'well' fits much better) fitting name if you ask me.

      Brothers, sisters please control your childish attitude. You know what I'm capable (the word 'of' should go here), right? To answer some of you all(Take out the word 'all'), I've heard about the reputation regarding these hairless apes. Quite notorious for their violence among others and their own despite retaining high levels of intelligence, I'll have to admit. But ponder for a second, why am I so interested in them all of the(This should be 'a', not 'the'.) sudden?

      Unlike most advanced lifeforms they've adapted countless writing systems. Not an impressive feat you might say, but take a careful and closer (Saying 'careful and closer' seems unnecessary. Just say 'careful' or 'closer'. Both would work equally well, just not together.)look at (The word 'their' should go here) writings. Perhaps you'll notice that several of their crafts appeared to be done in the form of storytelling, quite similar to what our father does.

      If you dig deeper into it, you shall see for yourselves the tremendous amount of effort these creatures are more than willing to undergo just to write out a story is simply astonishing. Sure(,) what they've written aren't(This should be isn't.) perfect(,) yet they constantly strive to portray everything; no matter how big or small(,) as accurately as possible. I can't even begin to imagine the time it takes to produce such magnificent content. Nothing I've ever seen before has exhibited such (The word 'a' should go here.) strange nature.

      I've personally spent my time reading their art starting from the most well-known to the (The word 'most' should go here.) obscure of the bunch and I still can't get over it. (Something about the transition between these two sentences bothers me.) Little do they know that by creating such spectacular works, they're becoming Gods in a way. Creating countless intricate dimensions, all slightly different from another,This should be a period.) I believe all of you have heard about it at least once.

      Best part is, they're eager to subject their own creations to simple yet painful scenarios solely to entertain themselves and impress others alike. And you thought our oldest brother was cruel. (Due to the way these two sentences flow, I'd consider making this one a separate paragraph. And yes, I know that I said they should be in the same paragraph. Sorry about that.) I wouldn't be too harsh though,(While technically correct, I'd make this comma a period.) being fictional work themselves had its toll on them after all.

      Okay. Um... That's all I have to say about this. Maybe make those edits, and see what Christian and Jay have to say. I hope to see this up soon.

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    • Author Notes: Thanks again for the review, Derpy!


      While observing and scouring across this constantly expanding universe, never have I witnessed life displaying this unusual behavior before. These creatures refer to themselves as humans I presume, not a well-fitting name if you ask me.


      Brothers, sisters please control your childish attitude. You know what I'm capable of, right? To answer some of you, I've heard about the reputation regarding these hairless apes. Quite notorious for their violence among others and their own despite retaining high levels of intelligence, I'll have to admit. But ponder for a second, why am I so interested in them all of a sudden?


      Unlike most advanced lifeforms they've adapted countless writing systems. Not an impressive feat you might say, but take a closer look at their writings. Perhaps you'll notice that several of their crafts appeared to be done in the form of storytelling, quite similar to what our father does.

      If you dig deeper into it, you shall see for yourselves the tremendous amount of effort these creatures are more than willing to undergo just to write out a story is simply astonishing. Sure, what they've written isn't perfect, nevertheless they constantly strive to portray everything; no matter how big or small, as accurately as possible. I can't even begin to imagine the time it takes to produce such magnificent content. Nothing I've ever seen before has exhibited such a strange nature.

      I've personally spent my time reading their art starting from the most well-known to the most obscure of the bunch and I still can't get over it. Yet, little do they know that by creating such spectacular works, they're becoming Gods in a way. Creating countless intricate dimensions, all slightly different from another. I believe all of you have heard about it at least once.

      Best part is, they're eager to subject their own creations to simple yet painful scenarios solely to entertain themselves and impress others alike. And you thought our oldest brother was cruel.

      I wouldn't be too harsh though. Being fictional work themselves had its toll on them after all.


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    • Let's see what some others have to say about this. I can't get past certain issues, and I'd like to hear thoughts from another user or two. Something about it doesn't work for me, but I'll keep an open mind. It seems odd to me that he's talking about them the way he is when he knows they're fictional characters. Something about that feels off. There are some other issues like "never have I ever" needs the word "ever" removed from it. Maybe try to get some more feedback and come back to this one. The concept is more of an issue than the writing at this point.

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    • I suppose I should explain the whole story in full detail to get your thoughts on how to change the narrator's voice.

      Our lovely storyteller here and his siblings are the actual children of God. The almighty created the whole universe; technically nobody knows how he managed to pull that off (It shall never be explained). In a way, depending on your perspective we could be considered as his fictional work. After all, we along with any other life spawned from there.

      Now the reason he done the act was because he wanted to show his children the beauty of life (Essentially our universe). But they never took actual consideration of his works and more less mocked him for it. He felt resentful about the whole situation and left (Never came back despite the cries of his sons and daughters during the worse time of all). <-- The event shall be addressed in a novella-based pastas.

      A few actually liked the idea and they were eager to see what their father has created. And then they saw humans and other advanced lifeforms acting like the voracious animals like they are (Suffice to say they lost interest completely). But only one and that's our narrator has decided to scour across the universe in search of similar beings like them. <-- Shall be addressed during novella-based pastas; not the same as the above

      He stumbled upon humans again and decided to do the observation once more (like he always did). Discovered an unusual behavior never seen before and then he went back to his homeland and delivered the message. (There, you know how it goes)

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    • "These creatures refer to themselves as humans I presume, not a well-fitting name if you ask me." Once again, an issue present in your other story which is present here, is that you tend not to explain your ideas or go in-depth with them to strengthen a theme. Why doesn't this entity view humans as a fitting name? What name would it give them that it finds more appropriate? Look at this line for example: "Quite notorious for their violence among others and (towards) their own despite retaining high levels of intelligence, I'll have to admit." What is the narrator conceding to, that humans are prone to violence? Generally the use of the phrase, "I have to admit" generally implies that someone is conceding a point. ("While most people disliked the explosion-riddled movie, I have to admit that I liked the fast-paced action")

      The sudden interest factor really doesn't help much either. ("But ponder for a second, why am I so interested in them all of a sudden?") What brought about this change in the first place? I assume this is an eternal entity who has been watching humans for eons. Why shift from this attitude of decrying them as hairless apes prone to violence to storytellers capable of rivaling the existence of God? Connecting these two dots and explaining it might build upon this character and idea.

      Another thing is, I'm not sure of the audience the protagonist is addressing. It feels off. Lines like "Brothers, sisters please control your childish attitude. You know what I'm capable of, right?" implies that they're talking down to someone and using threats of violence/response to subdue them, but when it's followed by "Not an impressive feat you might say, but take a closer look at their writings." seem to really muddle who the speaker is targeting. Is he speaking to equals who they're trying to convince of a point or is he chiding children?

      In the end I don't know if this approach/method of story-telling is the most effective. Something like: "Best part is, they're eager to subject their own creations to simple yet painful scenarios solely to entertain themselves and impress others alike." would feel a lot more impactful if the audience were experiencing it rather than this faceless entity musing on it without really injecting a personal element into it. It's the effect of telling and not showing. You can tell an audience what to feel, but without that demonstrative component, it's hard to convey a point.

      Additionally the ending "I wouldn't be too harsh though. Being fictional work themselves had its toll on them after all." seems a bit too much like a twist that's being shoe-horned in. If you're drawing a comparison to the horrors that humans inflict on their creations, wouldn't it be more effective to assume that this creator is doing the same and not even mention that it's fiction (as fiction typically describes imaginary events and people). It tends to create this disconnect where you go from implying that they're influencing the reality of other things ("Creating countless intricate dimensions, all slightly different from another. I believe all of you have heard about it at least once.") and then to say it's fictitious ("Being fictional work themselves had its toll on them after all.") kind of undermines what you're going for.

      As someone who's written a few stories with similar themes, I think that this approach has some issues that need to be addressed. Best of luck.

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    • Hey Empy, thanks for your input and based on your response. I'll try to make a new pasta but incorporate some of the elements present here.

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    • Author Notes: I've updated the new draft; I could use some insights to it.

      I remain uncertain if he's still observing me or not as I continue to write this down. I'm not even sure if he's pulling my strings into doing this. However I hope neither of those is the case.

      Due to the length of the paper and the low amount of ink inside the pen, the officer given me; I'm afraid I'm unable to note down everything that has happened to me and as such I shall not put too much detail into things I find, unnecessary.

      Bear in mind, prior to that incident; I had no knowledge that I was a slave to this man until quite recently, technically we all are but I'll get to that part later. - I presume some background information may be needed for you all to understand. I shall skip my name and age part since it's irrelevant to the whole ordeal.

      I lost my wife and child on 13th of January 1993, a truck driver had apparently failed to make a proper turn and rammed into them. They both didn't survived under the sheer weight of the beast, the man got away thanks to a shady lawyer and he proclaimed it to be a fucking tragic event. No it wasn't an fucking accident; he was called to do the hit and run, I'm positive. That day shall forever be burnt into my memory as a day where the two most important things were taken away from me.

      But it wasn't enough to satisfy this fucker's taste for my demise; he started forcing me into drugs. I don't remember how I've gotten addicted nor how I managed to laid my hands on them in the first place. Regardless, everything spiral into madness from then on - when I was caught by the cops. I served my time and when I was released, I had no where to go - (Parents didn't want me back so much for parenting love).

      By that time, I've lost my old home and it should obvious, got fucking fired when my boss found out I was under arrested for drug charges. Couldn't convince anyone else to give me a job with these felonies listed in my records. And that's when I turned my head to drug dealing; I won't dwell too much in there, frankly I rather avoid talking about it.

      It took many years along with many ins and outs from prison to finally realized that I was a puppet, being forced to undergo through such scenarios I couldn't even imagine myself doing. I mean, how else could you explain it? A man who's about to live his life fully ends up being the most hated and deemed worthless by society.

      You're probably wondering who this man is, after all who has the kind of power to influence so much people? Should be obvious, he sticks out like a sore thumb. He goes by many names, but we all commonly know him as God. Yes, you've heard it correctly. The almighty is the one who's responsible for the misfortunes that happened to me.

      Prior to my wife and child's incident, I've received numerous strange phone calls; all warning me about this event. I didn't heed it because I assumed it was a prank made by the teenagers living there at that time. The more I thought about it, the more I loathed myself. If I had given a damn about it, maybe my wife and child will still be here with me.

      In all sincerity, I could care less if you don't believe what I'm saying. Yet for those who do, please keep in mind that this being always hunger for our suffering. Praying will do nothing seeing how I've been a faithful person to this monstrosity for decades, he shall torture you, whether religious or not.

      Now, I don't know if I'm the only one to face this kind of fate; but given the chances, it is possible others too have experienced similar outcomes. Nevertheless, the purpose of this message isn't to moan or bitch about my ruined life yet to serve as a warning towards you readers out there.

      You'll most likely never gonna come across such scenario but if you happened to do so. Suicide is an option you could probably consider taking.

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    • Author Notes: ^ That's another draft which is different from the one posted here.

      “Take me instead,” pleaded by Michael as he cried desperately towards the torturer.

      The hulking monstrosity turned around and gave a small yet noticeable smirk with its wide drooling mouth. He turned back again and proceeded to slowly bash Melissa with its spiked mace, hand by hand. The beast knew that this couple would provide all the satisfaction it craved for its thirst of violence.


      In all of my time spent living in this piece of trash, I've never realized that being a writer could be so much fun. I thought it was a boring hobby to begin with but overtime I've come to really enjoy it. Who doesn't love having the ability to create countless intricate dimensions just by creating the simplest of stories; whether it's high quality or not.

      Best of all, anyone can force their own creation to undergo through such simple yet painful scenarios without the thought of needing to face repercussions. That's why I, unlike most people have always chosen a terrible or tragic end to my beloved characters as it's exciting as watching porn.

      It's quite entertaining to see them squirming or pleading for mercy when facing their demise, but it's even more amusing when you remove them from that situation to witness their looks of relief, only for them to be thrown at something far more worse.

      I've read numerous works from the most well-known authors to the obscure of the bunch. I know how it goes, the characters, the settings, the atmosphere, the themes and most importantly, the damn plot. Despite spending immeasurable amounts of my time reading critically, I still have a long way to go in terms of writing my own masterpiece.

      The journey is treacherous yet once that small step is taken, you shall have no trouble producing amazing content. Nevertheless, nobody has ever reach the top of that summit as it's considered to be most challenging of excursions. Either way, let's get back to the work.


      Yet it wanted more but couldn't forced anymore out of them, at the cost of the couple's suffering; they shall be allowed to live and as such the creature released them back into the woods where they came from. Although the couple endured through massive injuries, it won't the kill them; the brute made sure of it.

      After all, it always observed the victims from a distance afar to see them being traumatized. Most importantly, by living they shall spread the encounter meaning some more foolish hooligans should be arriving towards its domain soon which is literal music to its ears.

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    • Hi Raptor. Please make new threads for other stories of yours. Also, update the original post with your newest version. It is simpler that way. Right now I don't know what is the latest story I should review. Thanks.

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    • MrDupin wrote:
      Hi Raptor. Please make new threads for other stories of yours. Also, update the original post with your newest version. It is simpler that way. Right now I don't know what is the latest story I should review. Thanks.

      Well, based on Jay and Empy's responses; I've salvaged this story into two different pastas. Though I don't know which is better, that's why I decided that perhaps you could take a look at them. Either way I shall update the original post with the latest drafts.

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    • "with but overtime I've come" - I believe 'overtime' is two words in this case, 'over time'.

      "it won't the kill them" - Remove the 'the'.

      ---

      This is an interesting concept, but it is very hard to pull off. Usually these kind of stories need a revelatation twist at the end. Here we do not get that. I'm not saying you need a twist, but I believe in this case it would work better. This is an idea I had:

      After the writer says "let's get back to work", I suggest you don't actually have him continue his story. Maybe write about the original idea you had, where the writer is a fictional character in someone else's story. So, the last section would be the writer of the writer going on in a similar vein to your original work. It doesn't have to be a long section, in fact it would be better if it was short.

      This will elevate the story in my opinion and it becomes even better at the introspective/philosophical idea of your original story. Because it separates the story into distinct layers. The first section is the work of the human writer, the section is the human writer talking, then the last one is the "god" writer talking. If you want to be a little extra cheeky, have the god god writer point out that layer system as nonchalantly as possible to really drive home the point.

      Grammatically this was sound and the prose flowed smoothly. The only line I found a bit unnatural was this:

      "as it's exciting as watching porn" - This sentence should actually be "as it's as exciting as watching porn", if you want to be correct, but it is even more awkward. I suggest playing around with the sentence to make it work.

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    • MrDupin wrote:
      "with but overtime I've come" - I believe 'overtime' is two words in this case, 'over time'.

      "it won't the kill them" - Remove the 'the'.

      ---

      This is an interesting concept, but it is very hard to pull off. Usually these kind of stories need a revelation twist at the end. Here we do not get that. I'm not saying you need a twist, but I believe in this case it would work better. This is an idea I had:

      After the writer says "let's get back to work", I suggest you don't actually have him continue his story. Maybe write about the original idea you had, where the writer is a fictional character in someone else's story. So, the last section would be the writer of the writer going on in a similar vein to your original work. It doesn't have to be a long section, in fact it would be better if it was short.

      This will elevate the story in my opinion and it becomes even better at the introspective/philosophical idea of your original story. Because it separates the story into distinct layers. The first section is the work of the human writer, the section is the human writer talking, then the last one is the "god" writer talking. If you want to be a little extra cheeky, have the god god writer point out that layer system as nonchalantly as possible to really drive home the point.

      Grammatically this was sound and the prose flowed smoothly. The only line I found a bit unnatural was this:

      "as it's exciting as watching porn" - This sentence should actually be "as it's as exciting as watching porn", if you want to be correct, but it is even more awkward. I suggest playing around with the sentence to make it work.

      Author Notes: I've fixed the awkward sentencing and have added the God theme like you suggested. Though I'm uncertain or not have I drove the story on point.

      “Take me instead,” pleaded by Michael as he cried desperately towards the torturer which stood before him.

      The hulking monstrosity turned around and gave a small yet noticeable smirk with its wide drooling mouth. It turned back again and proceeded to slowly bash Melissa with its spiked mace, hand by hand. The beast knew that this couple would provide all the satisfaction it craved for its thirst of violence.


      In all of my time spent living in this piece of trash, I've never realized that being a writer could be so much fun. I thought it was a boring hobby to begin with but over time I've come to really enjoy it. Who doesn't love having the ability to create countless intricate dimensions just by creating the simplest of stories; whether it's high quality or not.

      Best of all, anyone can force their own creation to undergo through such simple yet painful scenarios without the thought of needing to face repercussions. That's why I, unlike most people have always chosen a terrible or tragic end to my beloved characters, it's as enticing and exciting as watching a porno.

      It's quite entertaining to see them squirming or pleading for mercy when facing their demise, but it's even more amusing when you remove them from that situation to witness their looks of relief, only for them to be thrown at something far more worse.

      I've read numerous works from the most well-known authors to the obscure of the bunch. I know how it goes, the characters, the settings, the atmosphere, the themes and most importantly, the damn plot. Despite spending immeasurable amounts of my time reading critically, I still have a long way to go in terms of making my own masterpiece.

      The journey is treacherous yet once that small step is taken, you shall have no trouble producing amazing content. Nevertheless, nobody has ever reach the top of that summit as it's considered to be most challenging of excursions. Either way, let's get back to the work.


      Sebastian T. James and many others like him; who've chosen writing as their passion for similar reasons have always tarnished my name. It disgusts me to think that the ones who I granted the powers with would've ended up like this.

      Regardless I guess I should've invented a better cleaning system, having infinite microscopic worlds which are full of perpetual cycle of life and death, sure is hard to clean up nowadays.

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    • "perpetual cycle of life and death; sure is hard to clean up nowadays" - The semicolon isn't need here. As the use of semicolon is a very tricky subject, I suggest you look it up online. A good video explaining its use is this.

      ---

      I think right now the story is pretty good. I'm afraid though that even if it is an interesting read, it isn't appropriate for the wiki as it isn't creepy. The concept you chose is turned into a creepy story only from exceptional writers. I know I cannot pull it off, and maybe just a couple people on the wiki can do so.

      This reads smoothly though, so you are getting more and more comfortable writing stories. I suggest you move on from this idea into something more akin to a creepy pasta. Good luck, and have fun!

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    • A FANDOM user
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