This is a story that needed to be with many CreepyPasta icons. Hope it's famous one day! :D
Hey, my name's Zach. I recently just moved in with my buddy, Thomas, who has a job as a car dealer. It was at a Friday evening that I had moved in till I get my own house, then we were rich for a short time. Till on Saturday night, a burglar broke into his car dealership and stole over $10.000 in cash, so we called the police, and they said they'll see what they can do.
The next night, we put survaillance cameras to capture the suspect. Set up a piggy bank as bait and wait for the right time. Hours later, I was half asleep till I saw something in the live footage. It was the burglar, but he was... how do I put this...? Unusual.
He wore a cat outfit that looked as if it was black oil-skin. This was my friend's car dealership, and I'm not going to let this guy take away his dream of being known by the public.
So I grabbed my gun my father gave to me when I was seven-teen and went down to confront this asshole. I told him to 'drop the money before I call the police', but he just looked at me. And that, is when I saw his face. ... His face... it was god awful...
His face was like that of some mutant cat with a grin so perverted. His fangs were so long that they literally stuck out of his mouth when he closed them, his ears were large and pointed, and his yellow eyes glowed in the dark. Eyes that seemed to burn into my brain. He also had a long, whip-like tail that danced to it's own accord, and wrinkles all over his body like one of those hairless cats.
I now knew this wasn't some thief in a cheap costume. This guy was some sort of monster, and the cat-like tail, fangs, claws, and almond-like eyes were actual parts of his body! As he made his way up the stairs to me, I noticed that this man (creature) moved in a way that can be described as marionette-like. I tried to shoot the thing away, but he would just creep his way up to me no matter how many rounds of bullets I would fire out of my gun.
I suddenly found myself running to the manager's office, but it was locked. I tried desperately to unlock it, but the monster crept closer, and closer, and then... I heard Thomas call my name. The creature heard Thomas and suddenly ran down the blackened hallway and out the entrance it had made through a window, now a gaping hole. I went down to where Thomas is and he asked about the crook. I wanted to tell him, but he would think I'm crazy. So I told him that I scared him away.
At least Thomas was back in buisness, and as for me, I was haunted by that night. I had horrible nightmares about whatever I saw. He wasn't an alien, nor a man putting on a performance. It was something more horrible than supernatural. ... Oh god, that face...
I'm sorry, but there are quite a lot of issues here involving awkward wording, grammatical, misuse of words, and plot issues.
Awkward wording: "It was at a Friday evening that I had moved in till I get my own house, then we were rich for a short time.", "The next night, we put survaillance cameras to capture the suspect.", "His face was like that of some mutant cat with a grin so perverted.", "I tried to shoot the thing away, but he would just creep his way up to me no matter how many rounds of bullets I would fire out of my gun.", A general rule of thumb: Read your stories aloud to yourself to catch instances where wording sounds awkward or it breaks the story flow.
Wording issues: "So I grabbed my gun my father gave to me when I was seven-teen (seventeen) and went down to confront this asshole.", ""He also had a long, whip-like tail that danced to it's (its) own accord"", "It was something more horrible than supernatural. (You really need to work on this juxtaposition as a supernatural event can be horrible.)", etc.
Story issues: Some lines feel like you're going for a more ridiculous premise which really detracts from the overall story. This line for example: "Set up a piggy bank as bait and wait for the right time" doesn't make a lot of sense. Even ignoring the idea that a piggy bank would lure out this creature, it's still hard to accept the idea that they would be enticed by a small sum of money when they had already stolen "$10.000 in cash" (I'm also going to assume you meant to use a comma instead of a period otherwise you're saying the creature stole 10$ in cash).
Story issues cont.: "I went down to where Thomas is and he asked about the crook. I wanted to tell him, but he would think I'm crazy. So I told him that I scared him away." Why wouldn't he believe the protagonist? They have the creature on film, they have the protagonist confronting them, and likely Thomas was watching the footage too at some point as he did lose a large sum of money the night before and they were staking the area out.
Story issues end: There are other plot problems, but I think the largest issue is that the plot is pretty rushed and really doesn't do a good job setting up your OC. In the end it feels more like a vehicle to introduce your creepypasta and isn't really telling an involving story. I'm sorry, but this is going to need quite a lot of work to be effective.