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  • I could feel her teeth on my neck, biting down, nibbling ever so softly. The stars illuminated the night sky. The blood pumped quickly through my veins and stimulated a rush of adrenaline which coursed through my body. Her white gown and pale face gave her a ghastly appearance. But the connection I felt with the girl was the first of its kind that I had felt for what seemed to be an eternity. Ever since I had been stranded on this island with nothing but the clothes on my back, I have had to live off the land, without another soul to accompany me. She crawls on top of me, staring into my eyes with hers. The too gleam, just as the stars do, and the light reflecting from her bright blue pupils is the most mesmerizing sight I have ever seen. She presses her teeth against my neck slightly harder, and then unexpectedly pulls away. She brushes her luscious brown hair back and smiles.


    "Oh you poor soul, stranded on this inescapable island with naught a friend to appreciate you. How does it feel now, to have one such as I to appreciate your magnificence? How does it feel to know the marks of love which I hath brought upon you tonight, and for many moons further?"


    I looked up at her. From my viewpoint, she was the most dashing and beautiful lady I had ever seen. Perhaps her features were exaggerated within my mind, for it had been quite some time since I had layed my eyes upon a woman. I remembered waking up not long before this very moment to the sound of faint whispering, and there she was. As soon as I saw her I fell into a trance, unable to truly act on my own accord. And yet, I was enjoying myself. How could I complain about my current situation? I hadn't felt such love and compassion for the longest time.


    "It feels magnificent my lady. I thought for sure that once I was stranded here, I would never see another human being again. And yet, here I am now, before you. And now that you're here, I am content."


    She seemed pleased to hear this, for her eyes widened and a strange purring sound emitted from her throat. She placed the palm of her hand against my chest and closed her eyes, seemingly sensing my heartbeat. I could feel my body transcending any feeling I had ever felt before. A warm sensation surrounded my entire body, and I couldn't help by close my eyes once more. I felt her lips against my shoulder, firmly yet softly pressing against my skin. Where did she come from? How did she get here? Who was she? What did I care? She gave me what I wanted, and in my eyes, she could do no wrong. Again she spoke, her voice soft and mellow. I could feel my body drift into a sensation of pleasure and comfort. The closest I can go as far as describing it would be to imagine being completely surrounded by dozens of cotton sheets and blankets, each one more welcoming and cozy than the last.


    "Tell me, of all things in this universe, what is it that you desire most."


    I tried thinking. I tried to remember what I truly wanted. Did I want to go home? Did I want to escape this island and find my way back to my friends and family? I swear that I couldn't remember for the life of me.


    "You... I desire you. I want you. I need you my lady, more than anything in the universe," I said. I didn't believe my words. I couldn't believe that which I spoke then, for they weren't my thoughts. But my actions betrayed my thoughts. How could it be? I struggled to correct myself, but the warmth and comfort surrounding me restrained me from doing so. This felt wrong, and something within me knew it. The real me knew it, but the woman's beauty had put me in a trance, and I no longer represented myself. My control was slipping away.


    "Then you shall receive what you desire, man," Replied the woman. I could hear the slight shift in the tone of her voice. That sweet, soft melody prior to this moment sounded different. Rather, now I could hear a giddy excitement to her voice. My response had been exactly what she had hoped for, and probably what she had expected.


    She clutched my hair and pulled my head upwards towards her. I tried ever so desperately to pull away, but it was to no avail. I could only nudge myself a few inches back, but no more. She placed a finger on my lip and tilted my head up with her hand, looking deep into my eyes. Her silky white skin appeared clearer and fairer than before, and her previously dull red lips now appeared to have become more colorful. I saw her open her mouth once more, revealing a row of gorgeous white teeth. She leaned in and placed them on my neck once more, sucking. It felt amazing, even better than before. But then she bit a little harder. And she continued to apply force until I could feel the skin break.


    I didn't wince in pain. I didn't even react. I just stayed there, perfectly still on the ground. She pulled away once more and looked at me, lips curled in a sick smile.


    "So, did you like it? Do you still desire me? Do you want more of my love," She inquired.


    "Yes, don't stop. Never stop. I desire your love more than all which exists," I responded. I couldn't believe it. My voice was completely void of emotion, and lies spilled out of my mouth. I didn't want this. Again, I tried my hardest to pull away, but as soon as she glared into my eyes I stopped. The sickest, most perverted giggle erupted from within her as she went back down to my neck.


    I felt her dig into my neck, applying even more force this time. I could feel the blood trickling down into her mouth. I could hear her lapping it up and returning to my neck once more, biting harder and harder. Each time she would bury her teeth into my neck, she would come back up and smile at me, asking that same question once more.


    "Do you desire me more?


    And each time, I would answer with the same lie, with the same monotonous voice.


    "Yes, I desire more."


    Perhaps she truly did control my actions, or perhaps her seduction really did pull the inner beast within me, causing me to lose all sense of humanity and replacing it with animalistic instinct. But each time I was forced to look into those awful, yet beautiful eyes, I could only allow her entry into me once more. I saw her starting to ripping chunks of flesh out of my throat, trying to reach inside fully. The blood splattered her skin and stained her dress, but oh God how she changed. Her skin grew greyer with each droplet of my blood she consumed, and the light in her eyes dimmed as well. And each time she asked me that damn question, I could only respond in the voice and tone which I had quickly grown to despise. Even as the blood clogged my throat and began to drown out my voice, my body persisted and insisted gurgling those words.


    "More"


    "More"


    "More"


    "Please, I desire you."


    And I only stopped hearing my voice once the blood drowned out my ability to speak. Her skin had darkened even further, and her dress grew filthy. Her eyes were no longer full of life. Still, her lips were red, stained with the blood she drained from my willing, yet unwilling body. Through it all, I felt the pleasure and pain intertwine, yet I knew it was wrong. Even still, I could do nothing to stop my fate, for it was never my decision to begin with. And as my eyes fluttered and closed, the final sight I saw was the woman, who now appeared to be more of a ghoul-like creature than a human. Still, she wore that same grin as she finished tearing my throat apart and feasting on my body. And then all faded to black.



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    • All feedback welcome

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    • I could point out a few punctuation issues and such if you'd like, but I don't have too many issues with your story. No subterfuge here, you let the reader know immediately what's going on, but manage to dodge naming what she is. I appreciate that, and other readers will as well.

      The siren draws him towards the rocks, and crashes into them. I really like how the castaway's inner dialogue describes his battle for control. It plays well with the title. The story really isn't about his desire, but hers. Her transformation through the story was well done. My thinking is that maybe she was lost, desperate for sustenance, and stumbled upon an oasis in the form of a man trapped on an island.

      I only have two issues. 1- I'd switch out 'zombie' with ghoul or something like that since you've avoided using 'vampire.' 2- I don't think the last line is necessary. Maybe, instead of focusing on her humanity you could focus on his. I assume he hasn't died (not yet at least) since he's telling the story. She mentions feasting on him for many moons to come. What will become of his humanity? Is he to become like her, or is he just a buffet?

      This is all just my opinion. Maybe I missed your intent here, but that's how it goes. The reader often takes the story in directions the writer didn't intend. I feel that reviews are meant to help you see your story a little clearer. I'm sure Bloody will be more critical tham me if that's what you're looking for. Relax Bloody, that's not an insult. :)

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    • Kolpik wrote: I could point out a few punctuation issues and such if you'd like, but I don't have too many issues with your story. No subterfuge here, you let the reader know immediately what's going on, but manage to dodge naming what she is. I appreciate that, and other readers will as well.

      The siren draws him towards the rocks, and crashes into them. I really like how the castaway's inner dialogue describes his battle for control. It plays well with the title. The story really isn't about his desire, but hers. Her transformation through the story was well done. My thinking is that maybe she was lost, desperate for sustenance, and stumbled upon an oasis in the form of a man trapped on an island.

      I only have two issues. 1- I'd switch out 'zombie' with ghoul or something like that since you've avoided using 'vampire.' 2- I don't think the last line is necessary. Maybe, instead of focusing on her humanity you could focus on his. I assume he hasn't died (not yet at least) since he's telling the story. She mentions feasting on him for many moons to come. What will become of his humanity? Is he to become like her, or is he just a buffet?

      This is all just my opinion. Maybe I missed your intent here, but that's how it goes. The reader often takes the story in directions the writer didn't intend. I feel that reviews are meant to help you see your story a little clearer. I'm sure Bloody will be more critical tham me if that's what you're looking for. Relax Bloody, that's not an insult. :)

      Thanks for the review man. I appreciate it. I'll be sure to look into those issues you pointed out. And yea, if Bloody finds this he probably will be. No offence to either of you two, it's just the way he is :)

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    • Bloody has seen this and he brought a large knife to butcher this little piglet. 
      Mwahahahahahaha.

      Alright, in all seriousness, I like how this is ambiguous in regards to the creature instead of telling us its a vampire or a siren. These are OVERRATED. I tend to view this monster as a Baohbhan Sith, the resident vampiric hypnotizing maiden spirit that prays on lone men of the Scottish highlands. If you were aiming at this one perticular beast, props to you. Insular Celtic folklore does not get enough of the spot light. 

      I don't know if it was a good idea to mention how her skin is gray (Im guessing, sickly palor gray) while exclaiming that she's a beautiful woman. Because, well, we don't like corpses intstinctually. So, anything reminding us of them (like gray skin) isn't gonna be viewed as attractive. Maybe should've not mentioned her skin color and instead just somehow describe her appearence as slightly off, or maybe just "extremely pale".  This later ties into her cyclical transformation in the eyes of the narrator from beautiful yet sickly to perfect and then into deathly sickly. I would've gone with "gleaming skin" or something reminiscent of the sparkling vampire from Twilight. Not sparkling!(!!) Something similar, maybe shining or something. I do not know how to express this but this really bothers me. She looks sickly and yet somehow attractive (which is impossible). Rewording is needed.

      Once you lose a part of your throat, you kind of lose your ability to speak, but for the sake of the plot make sure to mention how the narrators voice was fading over time after "chunks of flash were beaten out if throat".

      I'm pretty sure you're supposed to say "her skin grew grayer with each..." because it's growing in gray color. Also, it's important you capitalize the word "god" once refering to a specific Havea Hikule'o (God of the world) of the western world, which is what you are kind of doing. 

      Thee might not but changeth the w'rd carrion to something else, this w'rd doest not fiteth the vocabulary style of thy st'ry!


      You most definitely have to change the word "zombie" it does not sit well with the vocabulary style of your story. Consider words like "ghoul", "monstrosity", "revenant" or something like that. Zombie is a really modern word that comes from Haitian voodoo probably originally out of west africa. So yeah, this word is herrendously new (first mentioned just two hundred years ago in English.)

      So yeee...
      das it...
      the Piglet has been bludgeoned. 

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    • BloodySpghetti wrote: Bloody has seen this and he brought a large knife to butcher this little piglet. 
      Mwahahahahahaha.

      Alright, in all seriousness, I like how this is ambiguous in regards to the creature instead of telling us its a vampire or a siren. These are OVERRATED. I tend to view this monster as a Baohbhan Sith, the resident vampiric hypnotizing maiden spirit that prays on lone men of the Scottish highlands. If you were aiming at this one perticular beast, props to you. Insular Celtic folklore does not get enough of the spot light. 

      I don't know if it was a good idea to mention how her skin is gray (Im guessing, sickly palor gray) while exclaiming that she's a beautiful woman. Because, well, we don't like corpses intstinctually. So, anything reminding us of them (like gray skin) isn't gonna be viewed as attractive. Maybe should've not mentioned her skin color and instead just somehow describe her appearence as slightly off, or maybe just "extremely pale".  This later ties into her cyclical transformation in the eyes of the narrator from beautiful yet sickly to perfect and then into deathly sickly. I would've gone with "gleaming skin" or something reminiscent of the sparkling vampire from Twilight. Not sparkling!(!!) Something similar, maybe shining or something. I do not know how to express this but this really bothers me. She looks sickly and yet somehow attractive (which is impossible). Rewording is needed.

      Once you lose a part of your throat, you kind of lose your ability to speak, but for the sake of the plot make sure to mention how the narrators voice was fading over time after "chunks of flash were beaten out if throat".

      I'm pretty sure you're supposed to say "her skin grew grayer with each..." because it's growing in gray color. Also, it's important you capitalize the word "god" once refering to a specific Havea Hikule'o (God of the world) of the western world, which is what you are kind of doing. 

      Thee might not but changeth the w'rd carrion to something else, this w'rd doest not fiteth the vocabulary style of thy st'ry!


      You most definitely have to change the word "zombie" it does not sit well with the vocabulary style of your story. Consider words like "ghoul", "monstrosity", "revenant" or something like that. Zombie is a really modern word that comes from Haitian voodoo probably originally out of west africa. So yeah, this word is herrendously new (first mentioned just two hundred years ago in English.)

      So yeee...
      das it...
      the Piglet has been bludgeoned. 

      Oh god, some of these are really bad mistakes, thanks for lettin me know and thanks for your help.

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    • And Bloody strikes again! LOL! You're getting plenty of review for your money on this story Icydice. Plenty to work with. Good luck on the story. I'd love to reread it when it's on the site.

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    • Kolpik wrote: And Bloody strikes again! LOL! You're getting plenty of review for your money on this story Icydice. Plenty to work with. Good luck on the story. I'd love to reread it when it's on the site.

      I added some of the suggestions by both you guys. Any further suggestions?

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