• The date was 6/18/05,

    We thought we knew everything_of course we did, we were young enough. Anyways, I- Martin Erikssön; and my brother Tyler, were lying about on a Saturday, twelve past noon; when our mom ragged on us for having'no ambition', I wanted to laugh but there would've been accusations of disrespect, flying around left and right, and that lecture was one we've heard many 'a time before. There was a yard sale- at the end of our street that weekend, and I dragged Tyler along, mainly to feed my personal ego; but his at thirteen was worse than mine at sixteen. The fusion stopped_ Tyler ran to find a skateboard; while I aimlessly wandered. There were fancy plates, and retro things(that resembled replicas) abound, but my mind trailed in front of me like it always tended to do.

    "You lost, kid?" some random neighbour shouted in my direction, I turned my head_ snapping out of my daze and locked my eyes on the table he managed. "Stuff here's pretty old, but someone like you might take an interest in it" he commented- in a sny tone of voice. This guy looked like he'd be in charge, of an outdoor- grunge revival event or something, although my mind couldn't decide on the finer aspects. I got closer and set my eyes on the centre-left and right_ nothing but counterfeit posters, and merch from underground acts, I didn't know what to think. Then a beat up looking tape_ sitting at the right edge, caught my eye- at first I was reluctant to look at it for myself; but my curiosity won out.

    "What's on that?" I asked, nervously gesturing towards the tape- he looked at it for a second, before returning his gaze to mine. I remember him sighing, but I don't remember the reason-maybe there was none. He picked it up with a scarred finger- and slid in closer to my direction, I had no idea what he would tell me next. It was closer, and I could read ‘98' written in crude marker, on the narrow edge, I got uncharacteristically anxious- though the reason escapes me at the moment. Back then- I thought he could've been a junkie of some kind, nowadays I get embarrassed by my behaviour, it's kind of strange when I think about it.

    "My old music from high school, it's pretty bad" he replied, an almost dead look in his eyes. Surprisingly-he'd only missed a night's sleep "I won't miss it, the player's on the house...if you buy the tape that is", he added_and I was a bit confused, but I gave in. He shot me a thumbs up as I walked off, Tyler's spent forty bucks on a skateboard sponsored by Tony Hawk, but I barely looked at it and got back in the car. We didn't talk the whole ride home- and I found that odd, but all I did was wonder what he was emo about this time, I don't think he ever told me.

    Without saying anything- I brought my stuff up to my room. A few old notebooks made their way onto the floor, in order to make room for the player_thing, I eventually sorted those into some other part of the room itself. I finally put Side A in, and the guy wasn't lying- it was pretty bad, but I just assumed they didn't have any better recording equipment; although I found it better background noise than music. The other side started out normal- but a minute and thirty seconds in, there was feedback, and then the music abruptly ended. I thought maybe the tape player was broken, but I looked and everything appeared to be in its right spot.

    I instant messaged my friend Kane, and after I explained the situation to him- he asked to see the tape- so I rode my dad's bike to his house and delivered it. For the next few weeks after that, he kept talking about hearing 'closely' at around the point I heard feedback, so I listened to tape again one night_but I didn't hear it. Years later- I found out Kane had Schizophrenia, and pieces of this story just then started coming together. His brother messaged me on Facebook thirteen years later- and I finally found out what happened to him, since we haven't spoken since my Freshman year of college. I'll probably burn the tape once I'm done with this_I don't think I wanna remember the story behind it anymore.

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    • First, you need to address run on sentences.

      How have you proof checked it? I spot punctuation errors. Get the sentences fixed first.

      It seems real light to me. Light in content and in size. Light in emotion and reaction. The pov doesn't feel anything.

      The implication is that the tape drove Kane mad but schizophrenia is common enough you need to give me a reason to suspect the tape is the root cause and it isn't just random coincidence.

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    • Try reading the article- I just made some edits

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    • It's on contributions

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    • It is your story. You are the one that needs to draft it. I have my own stories to write.

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    • This has some big format problems. You need to use periods instead of commas in a lot of places. As it is, it's hard to read. Basically, you have five gigantic sentences instead of five paragraphs.

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    • This is a really hard read, because of the word flow. For something to read as if it sounds natural, there has to be a cadence established by your word choice and sentence structure and punctuation use. This read very choppy to me and distracts the reader from the story and plot.

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    • In addition to what the others have said here about giving your story a good proofread and getting the formatting corrected, I'd just also like to point out that any further revisions to your story should be made in this thread (which can be done by going to the bottom right of your original post, clicking the "More" dropdown box and selecting the "Edit" option). This way your pasta can be easily updated as you refine it.

      I'm going to review your pasta a bit now, and be prepared, I'm going to be very honest. Please don't think I'm talking down to you or insulting your passion; I'm just trying to help as much as I can by speaking bluntly. Remember that I'm doing this all to help you as a fellow horror and literature fan.

      As far as the story itself goes, I think DrBob put it very well when he said everything here felt "light". Everything goes by very fast and without much build-up at all. The main characters are introduced very quickly within the first paragraph, a couple personality traits and names are hastily assigned and never mentioned again. The bulk of the story is just Martin obtaining the tape from the yard sale from the weird guy. None of this exposition about the yard sale is particularly interesting or attractive to me. They listen to the A-side of the tape with the bad music on it, then the B-side of the tape with the vague description of "feedback" on it, then Martin gives the tape to Kane (why did Kane want the tape anyway?).

      Then you do a huge time-warp 13 years into the future (which comes across as very sudden and awkward mid-paragraph) and Martin comes to find out that Kane is apparently schizophrenic now and it's the tape's doing, as far as I understand. Martin says "and I finally found out what happened to him" but you never seem to share that with the reader. What exactly happened to him? Why was the ending so rushed through and vague? And how can we as readers be shocked or afraid of what happens to these characters when they haven't been built up at all (especially Kane)? And speaking of the "creepy" aspect of this story, I can find very little of that. That prime opportunity for scaring the reader here is in the descriptions of the B-side of the tape and the effect it has on Kane, but those are both pretty much glossed over and confusing.

      I really think you should reconsider what you want to accomplish with this pasta and focus more on what would unnerve you if you found yourself in this situation. Describe it well for the reader, take them through the whole crazy situation (while taking care not to go on about unimportant things), make it believable, and by the end give the reader a sense of "Wow, that was an interesting/creepy story and a worthwhile read. I was taken on a ride by the author and they delivered on my expectations."

      But honestly, all plot issues aside, what really kills this as a pasta is the choppy, unnatural, and disjointed flow to the sentences. The entire time I read this, I had to struggle to understand what was going on in the sentences. I want you to try reading this all out loud to yourself, exactly as you wrote and punctuated it, and see if it sounds natural and appealing to you. I think you'll find it doesn't. You're going to really have to nail down making it sound organic and well-structured, like writing you would find in an effective horror story. Take a look around this site (especially the Suggested Reading page) and read some of the excellent stories we have here. Get a good sense of effective horror writing and compare it with your writing often. Ask yourself, "Why does this way of writing make me feel afraid? What makes this writing different from my own? How can my own writing be improved by emulating these authors and their great stories?"

      Normally I would point out all the grammar/punctuation/wording problems in a story, but I'm going to honestly suggest you start completely over if you want this pasta to work. If you decide to update it, we'll be here to give you feedback. I wish you the best of luck in your writing, boss.

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    • Cryuslemdt,

      Heed Dr. Furter's advice. It is all dead on about the issues with the story.

      Before you can write a good story you have to know the mechanics of the English language. My blog contains some very basic advice on using free websites to check your story.

      Please check it out.

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    • "We thought we knew everything_of course we did, we were young enough. Anyways, I- Martin Erikssön; and my brother Tyler, were lying about on a Saturday, twelve past noon; when our mom ragged on us for having'no ambition', I"  I quit reading after this, you have to make so many styling and formating issues to fix as a starter. After that, you'll have to probably fix the story itself as well, I guess, looking at the comments were left here.

      Eventually, I read the whole thing and I must say I don't see the horror in it, a schizophrenic person having auditory hellucinations is supposed to be scary? or is it the rugged old man? I didn't get it... at all. I might be that stupid, but I don't know, I just don't see the scary in this.

      It literally needs more crazy if you took it to the path of a person with Schizo hearing things that aren't there from a tape acquired at the hands of a suspecious old man. 

      First you must definitely fix the formating issues however. 

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    • A FANDOM user
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