FANDOM


  • September 14 2007

    A staff member was bringing Cooper outside to do his business, he was about to fasten on Cooper's harness and leash. However, he forgot to as he rushed inside to tend to one of the barking dogs. When the employee came, Cooper was nowhere to be seen.

    Meanwhile, there were loud horns blaring and loud engines revving on Route 4, the nearby freeway. Cooper ran off to see the hustle and bustle of the busy interstate, he narrowly avoided get run over by two semi trucks.

    Cooper had made his way down to the otter creek bridge and was now walking backwards and forwards across the bridge. A speeding car hit the lab head on, sending him tumbling over the guardrail and falling into the creek below. The driver didn't even stop to conduct a quick search, they just kept going because they had the notion that Cooper was a filthy mutt who deserved to die.

    April 14 2008

    During that night, I was driving home down Route 4 after a boring and stressful day of filling out paperwork. I wanted to just get home so badly that I started to go over the speed limit, even though the clouds were severely overcast. Now my speed was 75 mph, the limit was 65. I wasn't paying attention, however, because I just wanted to get back to my house quickly. I came to the Otter Creek bridge, where I saw a white lab in the road. I tried to stop, but I was going too fast, and my rear brakes had mysteriously locked up. Now my car has anti lock brakes. So I am sure that the ABS warning light on one of these gauges would stay turned on if anything were wrong with the system. I stood on my brakes, but the skid from the brakes locking up only got worse. I ended up hitting the lab head on, I could see it's body tumbling and flopping around in the rearview mirror. The car screeched to a halt by the end of the guardrail.

    I unbuckled and got out, concerned for the dog's life. But as soon as I got out of the car, the air felt like 40° Fahrenheit, but yet my blood suddenly felt as though it were slowly coming to a boil, as if it were water boiling pasta. I could smell the strong aroma of a rotted corpse from where the body of the lab was lying, as if it had been rotting for months, even though I had just barely hit it. My eyes dilated to see better in the severly overcast sky, then, I saw lab suddenly get up. The howl I heard it make was far from the cries of a cuddly pup. It was the sound of a wolf's howl, but it was so low that it sounded demonic.

    Its right eye socket was caved in, the eye was a swollen, black, lifeless orb dangling out of the socket. The left eye was the same orb as the eye next to it, but it just rested in its socket. The flesh behind the pup's nose was peeled off, revealing dark green tissue. I could see parts of the dog's tail fall off.

    The teeth were elongated to the point where they looked like sewing needles, a mysterious black flecked yellow substance covered each tooth. More teeth came until there were too many to count. The teeth all became elongated to a point where they were too lengthy to be contained within the dog's muzzle. Its paws were ripped up by massive claws. A mysterious brown, blood-like fluid came out of the dog's nose. The beast looked at me with pure contempt and anger.

    Then, I could just barely see it rushing towards me. Thinking fast, I drew my pistol and flashlight, but the creature bit my in right elbow causing my to drop the pistol.

    I turned the flashlight on, hoping to temporarily blind it.

    Just then, I saw a white mist roll of the creature's form, it started to whimper in pain as it let go of my arm. As I held the flashlight on it, the flesh started to bubble, each bubble expanding upwards until it ruptured with a violent release of steam. The undead creature howled and turned away in pain. The demon then jumped over the guardrail. I ran to the guard rail and looked down the hill, but that thing was nowhere to be seen.

    Oddly, however, the bite wound on my arm leaked pus instead of blood.

    Panicking, I got back into my car, slammed the door shut, buckled in, and then sped away, arm was still leaking pus.

      Loading editor
    • So. much. filler. So little creepiness,  I was yawning the whole time.

        Loading editor
    • Xernhacks wrote: So. much. filler. So little creepiness,  I was yawning the whole time.

      Right, sorry, this is my first pasta I've ever written, can you help me to improve it??

        Loading editor
    • Xernhacks wrote: So. much. filler. So little creepiness,  I was yawning the whole time.

      Are you rhere mate??

        Loading editor
    • What you currently have is an outline, a skeleton. Put some meat on those bones. Don't be afraid to make it longer. Add detail. Include conversations if you think they'll help push the story forward. In particular, when Cooper returns as a monster, be descriptive.

      I'm not sure if vanishing into a puff of smoke when exposed to light is the best way to go. This is really up to you, though.

      Provide some explanation as to how Cooper turned into the monster. Currently, there isn't any. Even if you leave it vague, give the reader something to think about, or some reason why that would happen.

      Also, don't let the above criticism get you down. Everyone has a first story, and pretty much none of them are good. That's why we're here; to help make them better, or point our new authors in the right direction.

        Loading editor
    • TheWizardOfTheWoods wrote:
      What you currently have is an outline, a skeleton. Put some meat on those bones. Don't be afraid to make it longer. Add detail. Include conversations if you think they'll help push the story forward. In particular, when Cooper returns as a monster, be descriptive.

      I'm not sure if vanishing into a puff of smoke when exposed to light is the best way to go. This is really up to you, though.

      Provide some explanation as to how Cooper turned into the monster. Currently, there isn't any. Even if you leave it vague, give the reader something to think about, or some reason why that would happen.

      Also, don't let the above criticism get you down. Everyone has a first story, and pretty much none of them are good. That's why we're here; to help make them better, or point our new authors in the right direction.

      Exactly. I'm very blunt, but I mean well.

        Loading editor
    • TheWizardOfTheWoods wrote: What you currently have is an outline, a skeleton. Put some meat on those bones. Don't be afraid to make it longer. Add detail. Include conversations if you think they'll help push the story forward. In particular, when Cooper returns as a monster, be descriptive.

      I'm not sure if vanishing into a puff of smoke when exposed to light is the best way to go. This is really up to you, though.

      Provide some explanation as to how Cooper turned into the monster. Currently, there isn't any. Even if you leave it vague, give the reader something to think about, or some reason why that would happen.

      Also, don't let the above criticism get you down. Everyone has a first story, and pretty much none of them are good. That's why we're here; to help make them better, or point our new authors in the right direction.

      Aye sir, that I shall do.

        Loading editor
    • Alright, how about now?

        Loading editor
    • Okay, now there's some explanation. While it's a little loose, it's something to work with.

      Now, restructure the whole thing so the new part is integrated with the old part, telling one story.

      If you would like some assistance with that, I'll be up for another hour or so, and can get you on the right track.

        Loading editor
    • Okay.

        Loading editor
    • Alright, first question. Where does the story take place? A small town? A large metropolitan city? What sort of environment do you picture when thinking about it?

        Loading editor
    • Ah, it takes place in a town known as West/Center Rutland, which is in Rutland county of Vermont state.

        Loading editor
    • And in Clarendon too.

        Loading editor
    • Small town?

        Loading editor
    • Yes.

        Loading editor
    • Okay, back to you shortly.

        Loading editor
    • Okay, I modified the story to show off some more details.

        Loading editor
    • TheWizardOfTheWoods wrote: Okay, back to you shortly.

      Are you there mate?

        Loading editor
    • Alright, my man. Here's what I threw together. This should give you a really solid starting point, but it's not perfect by itself. It could still use a little more, and that's going to be at your discretion.


      In the small town of West Rutland, local legends reign supreme. Myths of monsters, tales of terror, and historical harbingers are part of the local culture. When asked, each and every resident will unabashedly say that the legends are all true, and they are just a part of the long history of the town. Between the Spanish settlers, the introduction of christian ideals, and the mixing pot of cultures that have come and gone, the tales are numerous and varied, and often overlapping. Some have adapted over time, while other have stood strong.

      In late 2007, Cooper first went missing from the shelter. The white Labrador retriever was let out to do his business, and wandered off so fast the personnel were none the wiser. The dog followed the sound of traffic, making his way to the nearby freeway, the busiest road in town. Making his way into the multi-lane road resulted as one would have expected. The collision knocked the poor hound over the guard rail, and into the mud below.

      However, the driver that hit Cooper could not find the dog when looking over the side. No one saw the dog for months after. He finally resurfaced in April of the following year. Oliver Martinez, the chief of police, encountered the dog while on his usual route. Cooper had, once again, wandered into the road. The sky was severely overcast, and the lights along the highway had gone out. Martinez repeated the mistake that the dog had endured those long months ago. Cooper’s body flopped along the highway as the cruiser screeched to a halt. Martinez got out, concerned for the dog’s life.

      But what he found was a far cry from a cuddly animal. Cooper’s fur was stained and matted with mud, patches of it missing. He was dreadfully skinny, ribs pressing outward, threatening to pierce the skin. His paws were practically nonexistent, overtaken by massive claws that had deformed and split the skin. His teeth were elongated to resemble rows of needles, too lengthy to contain. Each one was stained yellow, flecked with black, and riddled with bits of old meat. The eyes of the hound were swollen black orbs, lifeless.

      The beast rushed Martinez, snarling and snapping its mouth of needles. Martinez brought up his gun, raising his flashlight to ensure a clean shot. As the light met the creature, white mist began rolling off of its form. Pieces of skin started bubbling and boiling, bursting open into steam. Cooper turned away in pain, leaping over the barrier and into the underpass below.

      The beast had escaped, but it was not forgotten. Legends of the hound still spread through West Rutland. The citizens have done their best to explain the creature. Most accept that it was possessed by an otherworldly monster, one which loathes light and delights in slaughter. Why it chose Cooper is unknown, though some suspect that the possessor is quadrupedal, or that it has a predilection for canines. One thing that all of the legend agree on, though, is that the creature is very real, and it’s still hunting to this day.

        Loading editor
    • TheWizardOfTheWoods wrote: Alright, my man. Here's what I threw together. This should give you a really solid starting point, but it's not perfect by itself. It could still use a little more, and that's going to be at your discretion.



      In the small town of West Rutland, local legends reign supreme. Myths of monsters, tales of terror, and historical harbingers are part of the local culture. When asked, each and every resident will unabashedly say that the legends are all true, and they are just a part of the long history of the town. Between the Spanish settlers, the introduction of christian ideals, and the mixing pot of cultures that have come and gone, the tales are numerous and varied, and often overlapping. Some have adapted over time, while other have stood strong.

      In late 2007, Cooper first went missing from the shelter. The white Labrador retriever was let out to do his business, and wandered off so fast the personnel were none the wiser. The dog followed the sound of traffic, making his way to the nearby freeway, the busiest road in town. Making his way into the multi-lane road resulted as one would have expected. The collision knocked the poor hound over the guard rail, and into the mud below.

      However, the driver that hit Cooper could not find the dog when looking over the side. No one saw the dog for months after. He finally resurfaced in April of the following year. Oliver Martinez, the chief of police, encountered the dog while on his usual route. Cooper had, once again, wandered into the road. The sky was severely overcast, and the lights along the highway had gone out. Martinez repeated the mistake that the dog had endured those long months ago. Cooper’s body flopped along the highway as the cruiser screeched to a halt. Martinez got out, concerned for the dog’s life.

      But what he found was a far cry from a cuddly animal. Cooper’s fur was stained and matted with mud, patches of it missing. He was dreadfully skinny, ribs pressing outward, threatening to pierce the skin. His paws were practically nonexistent, overtaken by massive claws that had deformed and split the skin. His teeth were elongated to resemble rows of needles, too lengthy to contain. Each one was stained yellow, flecked with black, and riddled with bits of old meat. The eyes of the hound were swollen black orbs, lifeless.

      The beast rushed Martinez, snarling and snapping its mouth of needles. Martinez brought up his gun, raising his flashlight to ensure a clean shot. As the light met the creature, white mist began rolling off of its form. Pieces of skin started bubbling and boiling, bursting open into steam. Cooper turned away in pain, leaping over the barrier and into the underpass below.

      The beast had escaped, but it was not forgotten. Legends of the hound still spread through West Rutland. The citizens have done their best to explain the creature. Most accept that it was possessed by an otherworldly monster, one which loathes light and delights in slaughter. Why it chose Cooper is unknown, though some suspect that the possessor is quadrupedal, or that it has a predilection for canines. One thing that all of the legend agree on, though, is that the creature is very real, and it’s still hunting to this day.

      That sounds good, I like it.

        Loading editor
    • I'm glad. Unfortunately, it's off to bed for me, but I hope this was a good learning exercise, and that you continue to write and improve. :)

        Loading editor
    • It certainly was.

      I know, and I shall do that.

        Loading editor
    • Is it alright if I use some of those lines for inspiration?

      I don't mean to plagiarize or steal from or copy you in anyone, I just need some inspiration to make a more effective narrative.

        Loading editor
    • Steven,

      Listen to the Wizard. That's my review. He's summed it up quite well.

      Don't just use his work. Yes it's an improvement, but WHY is it an improvement? Then how do you learn how to do it?

      Dr. Bob

        Loading editor
    • Alright, thank you for your criticism.

      I learned to use it to make an effective narrative.

      And the reason it is an improvement is because my first draft wasn't so great.

        Loading editor
    • Alright, I had fallen asleep before I could review it. It's interesting, I like how you made use of that legend. I also liked how Cooper got progressively creepier with each encounter, very good.

      Alas, we come to the criticism. Much of what I'd say has already been said: you have the skeleton, now add the meat. The story is also rather choppy, and there's a lot more paragraphs than there probably needs to be in its current state. Rather than fuse them together though, extend those paragraphs with more description and story.

      You've got a good concept for your first CP, and you've written down the structure - now fill it out, fill in the empty space. Also, you don't always have to refer to Cooper by his name - the beast, the demon, the undead creature. Use words like that to add another layer of description to Cooper. Gives a bit of variety and flavor.

      I second Dr. Bob's recommendation, take a look at Wizard's rewrite but don't copy it word for word. It might help even more if you put yours and his right beside each other, one major component in the difference can easily been seen this way. Then, analyze his text and see what he does to the story, how he fills it out.

      I get that I'm pretty much reiterating everything that's been said, but it's all I got and you were looking for me haha. Oh, and just a note for using the forum, you don't need to comment on someone's story asking for a review, or if they're still there. We all (usually) get notifications if there's been an update or comment on a thread, so we know when to come back anyways. The Workshop is kinda like the tech support of CP: you post something, wait on the line, and then someone will return to you with improvements and tell you to call back ;)

        Loading editor
    • Don't worry, I tried not to copy it word for word.

      And thank you for your opinions.

        Loading editor
    • RedNovaTyrant wrote: Alright, I had fallen asleep before I could review it. It's interesting, I like how you made use of that legend. I also liked how Cooper got progressively creepier with each encounter, very good.

      Alas, we come to the criticism. Much of what I'd say has already been said: you have the skeleton, now add the meat. The story is also rather choppy, and there's a lot more paragraphs than there probably needs to be in its current state. Rather than fuse them together though, extend those paragraphs with more description and story.

      You've got a good concept for your first CP, and you've written down the structure - now fill it out, fill in the empty space. Also, you don't always have to refer to Cooper by his name - the beast, the demon, the undead creature. Use words like that to add another layer of description to Cooper. Gives a bit of variety and flavor.

      I second Dr. Bob's recommendation, take a look at Wizard's rewrite but don't copy it word for word. It might help even more if you put yours and his right beside each other, one major component in the difference can easily been seen this way. Then, analyze his text and see what he does to the story, how he fills it out.

      I get that I'm pretty much reiterating everything that's been said, but it's all I got and you were looking for me haha. Oh, and just a note for using the forum, you don't need to comment on someone's story asking for a review, or if they're still there. We all (usually) get notifications if there's been an update or comment on a thread, so we know when to come back anyways. The Workshop is kinda like the tech support of CP: you post something, wait on the line, and then someone will return to you with improvements and tell you to call back ;)

      I also looked at his text, he has lot more detail to the story about the death of Cooper, and the demon form he comes back in, along with what happens when light is shined on him.

        Loading editor
    • Btw, Ashley will come back from the dead as a proxy for Cooper.

        Loading editor
    • Steven"SpringBubba"Savoy wrote:

      And the reason it is an improvement is because my first draft wasn't so great.

      No. Well, yes, but not the point. I think Dr.Bob asked why it is an improvement referring to what makes it an improvement. "It wasn't so great" is not the answer. His question was for you to stop and analyze how The Wizard told the story and why he did it that way. It's your first story and it's okay that you don't know very much about telling stories, but the thing is for you to really concentrate and observe the elements used to make the improvement, so you understand them and then you can use them for yourself. It's not a "Oh I like it, I see some things you did to it", it's more like a "Well, lets see what things changed and then lets think why did they change". And, like everyone else, you could make a mistake on your conclusions, and don't worry about it, there's people here to help you.

      Don't rush your story, write it on your computer -like in a Word or other program- and take your time to make it, get to know the characters, the environment in which they are, the conflict, how it affects the characters, what scars it leaves, etc.

      This is like my little tip for you to have in mind. And of course, enjoy writing and enjoy your story! Good luck with it!

        Loading editor
    • Oh, okay.

      Lemme see, Wizard made a more elaborate and detailed backstory for Cooper, along with a detailed way his form reacts to being exposed to bright lighting, lemme see, he also made a better introduction to the new Cooper and chief Martinez.

      He also elaborated on the mythology about Cooper.

      He also made a better atmosphere for the highway Cooper roams.

      And thank you, I shall enjoy my story and enjoy writing.

        Loading editor
    • So basically, this makes very little sense. 

      If a demon has a preference for Canine hosts, why choose a Labrador Pup? Pups are tiny... unless you mean an adolescent dog that reached it's full size but then again, Labradors are awful as evil doers. They are super friendly and sociable, hell, they are actually dependent on having someone to socialize with. Also, A Lab's friendly psyche seems to be a dominant trait as apparently all cases of mutts that have a Labrador parents end up inhereting the Labrador's friendliness. 

      All of this seems way too cartoonish and silly to me, quite honestly. 

      I just couldn't connect to this story, it lacks the creep fact. 

      Have it be about a more intimate encounter and how the zombie dog stalks a person and tries to kill them, hell, even just a stray "wild" dog... or rather a pack of them would be scarier if done right. The zombie dog needs to be looking like an actual rotting dog carcass, that's a nasty one, describe how it's moving oddly, producing weird sounds, smelling like death itself (and it's a VERY bad smell) etc.

        Loading editor
    • BloodySpghetti wrote: So basically, this makes very little sense. 

      If a demon has a preference for Canine hosts, why choose a Labrador Pup? Pups are tiny... unless you mean an adolescent dog that reached it's full size but then again, Labradors are awful as evil doers. They are super friendly and sociable, hell, they are actually dependent on having someone to socialize with. Also, A Lab's friendly psyche seems to be a dominant trait as apparently all cases of mutts that have a Labrador parents end up inhereting the Labrador's friendliness. 

      All of this seems way too cartoonish and silly to me, quite honestly. 

      I just couldn't connect to this story, it lacks the creep fact. 

      Have it be about a more intimate encounter and how the zombie dog stalks a person and tries to kill them, hell, even just a stray "wild" dog... or rather a pack of them would be scarier if done right. The zombie dog needs to be looking like an actual rotting dog carcass, that's a nasty one, describe how it's moving oddly, producing weird sounds, smelling like death itself (and it's a VERY bad smell) etc.

      Not a pup, Cooper is a full grown Labrador.

        Loading editor
    • BloodySpghetti wrote: So basically, this makes very little sense. 

      If a demon has a preference for Canine hosts, why choose a Labrador Pup? Pups are tiny... unless you mean an adolescent dog that reached it's full size but then again, Labradors are awful as evil doers. They are super friendly and sociable, hell, they are actually dependent on having someone to socialize with. Also, A Lab's friendly psyche seems to be a dominant trait as apparently all cases of mutts that have a Labrador parents end up inhereting the Labrador's friendliness. 

      All of this seems way too cartoonish and silly to me, quite honestly. 

      I just couldn't connect to this story, it lacks the creep fact. 

      Have it be about a more intimate encounter and how the zombie dog stalks a person and tries to kill them, hell, even just a stray "wild" dog... or rather a pack of them would be scarier if done right. The zombie dog needs to be looking like an actual rotting dog carcass, that's a nasty one, describe how it's moving oddly, producing weird sounds, smelling like death itself (and it's a VERY bad smell) etc.

      And I know that Labradors are sweet, that is why the demon chose to possess Cooper, it knew that no one would suspect a sweet, innocent lab like him to be a cold blooded killer.

        Loading editor
    • I know that labbos are sweet, that is why I chose one as a killer instead of say, a pitbull.

        Loading editor
    • Steven"SpringBubba"Savoy wrote:

      BloodySpghetti wrote: So basically, this makes very little sense. 

      If a demon has a preference for Canine hosts, why choose a Labrador Pup? Pups are tiny... unless you mean an adolescent dog that reached it's full size but then again, Labradors are awful as evil doers. They are super friendly and sociable, hell, they are actually dependent on having someone to socialize with. Also, A Lab's friendly psyche seems to be a dominant trait as apparently all cases of mutts that have a Labrador parents end up inhereting the Labrador's friendliness. 

      All of this seems way too cartoonish and silly to me, quite honestly. 

      I just couldn't connect to this story, it lacks the creep fact. 

      Have it be about a more intimate encounter and how the zombie dog stalks a person and tries to kill them, hell, even just a stray "wild" dog... or rather a pack of them would be scarier if done right. The zombie dog needs to be looking like an actual rotting dog carcass, that's a nasty one, describe how it's moving oddly, producing weird sounds, smelling like death itself (and it's a VERY bad smell) etc.

      And I know that Labradors are sweet, that is why the demon chose to possess Cooper, it knew that no one would suspect a sweet, innocent lab like him to be a cold blooded killer.

      Because no one would suspect a zombified dog as dangerous... Alright...

        Loading editor
    • BloodySpghetti wrote:

      Steven"SpringBubba"Savoy wrote:

      BloodySpghetti wrote: So basically, this makes very little sense. 

      If a demon has a preference for Canine hosts, why choose a Labrador Pup? Pups are tiny... unless you mean an adolescent dog that reached it's full size but then again, Labradors are awful as evil doers. They are super friendly and sociable, hell, they are actually dependent on having someone to socialize with. Also, A Lab's friendly psyche seems to be a dominant trait as apparently all cases of mutts that have a Labrador parents end up inhereting the Labrador's friendliness. 

      All of this seems way too cartoonish and silly to me, quite honestly. 

      I just couldn't connect to this story, it lacks the creep fact. 

      Have it be about a more intimate encounter and how the zombie dog stalks a person and tries to kill them, hell, even just a stray "wild" dog... or rather a pack of them would be scarier if done right. The zombie dog needs to be looking like an actual rotting dog carcass, that's a nasty one, describe how it's moving oddly, producing weird sounds, smelling like death itself (and it's a VERY bad smell) etc.

      And I know that Labradors are sweet, that is why the demon chose to possess Cooper, it knew that no one would suspect a sweet, innocent lab like him to be a cold blooded killer.

      Because no one would suspect a zombified dog as dangerous... Alright...

      No, i know people would indeed suspect a zombified dog as being dangerous.

      I was just responding to your reply about labradors being awful as evil doers.

        Loading editor
    • I made a labrador the zombified dog because know would expect a labrador to be zombified.

        Loading editor
    • Steven"SpringBubba"Savoy wrote:

      BloodySpghetti wrote:

      Steven"SpringBubba"Savoy wrote:

      BloodySpghetti wrote: So basically, this makes very little sense. 

      If a demon has a preference for Canine hosts, why choose a Labrador Pup? Pups are tiny... unless you mean an adolescent dog that reached it's full size but then again, Labradors are awful as evil doers. They are super friendly and sociable, hell, they are actually dependent on having someone to socialize with. Also, A Lab's friendly psyche seems to be a dominant trait as apparently all cases of mutts that have a Labrador parents end up inhereting the Labrador's friendliness. 

      All of this seems way too cartoonish and silly to me, quite honestly. 

      I just couldn't connect to this story, it lacks the creep fact. 

      Have it be about a more intimate encounter and how the zombie dog stalks a person and tries to kill them, hell, even just a stray "wild" dog... or rather a pack of them would be scarier if done right. The zombie dog needs to be looking like an actual rotting dog carcass, that's a nasty one, describe how it's moving oddly, producing weird sounds, smelling like death itself (and it's a VERY bad smell) etc.

      And I know that Labradors are sweet, that is why the demon chose to possess Cooper, it knew that no one would suspect a sweet, innocent lab like him to be a cold blooded killer.
      Because no one would suspect a zombified dog as dangerous... Alright...
      No, i know people would indeed suspect a zombified dog as being dangerous.

      I was just responding to your reply about labradors being awful as evil doers.

      So, the demon is a stupid one... because it forgot that mortal carrions tend to rot when they die.

        Loading editor
    • No, Cooper's body is slightly rotten.

      That is why he is so skinny, and that is also why he has the black, lifeless orbs.

        Loading editor
    • BloodySpghetti wrote:

      Steven"SpringBubba"Savoy wrote:

      BloodySpghetti wrote:

      Steven"SpringBubba"Savoy wrote:

      BloodySpghetti wrote: So basically, this makes very little sense. 

      If a demon has a preference for Canine hosts, why choose a Labrador Pup? Pups are tiny... unless you mean an adolescent dog that reached it's full size but then again, Labradors are awful as evil doers. They are super friendly and sociable, hell, they are actually dependent on having someone to socialize with. Also, A Lab's friendly psyche seems to be a dominant trait as apparently all cases of mutts that have a Labrador parents end up inhereting the Labrador's friendliness. 

      All of this seems way too cartoonish and silly to me, quite honestly. 

      I just couldn't connect to this story, it lacks the creep fact. 

      Have it be about a more intimate encounter and how the zombie dog stalks a person and tries to kill them, hell, even just a stray "wild" dog... or rather a pack of them would be scarier if done right. The zombie dog needs to be looking like an actual rotting dog carcass, that's a nasty one, describe how it's moving oddly, producing weird sounds, smelling like death itself (and it's a VERY bad smell) etc.

      And I know that Labradors are sweet, that is why the demon chose to possess Cooper, it knew that no one would suspect a sweet, innocent lab like him to be a cold blooded killer.
      Because no one would suspect a zombified dog as dangerous... Alright...
      No, i know people would indeed suspect a zombified dog as being dangerous.

      I was just responding to your reply about labradors being awful as evil doers.

      So, the demon is a stupid one... because it forgot that mortal carrions tend to rot when they die.

      I thank you sir for your critisms, I was just using parts of the wizard's rewrite for an inspiration to elaborate Cooper's past, along with elaborationg on the effects light has on the demon dog's form.

        Loading editor
    • BloodySpghetti wrote:

      Steven"SpringBubba"Savoy wrote:

      BloodySpghetti wrote:

      Steven"SpringBubba"Savoy wrote:

      BloodySpghetti wrote: So basically, this makes very little sense. 

      If a demon has a preference for Canine hosts, why choose a Labrador Pup? Pups are tiny... unless you mean an adolescent dog that reached it's full size but then again, Labradors are awful as evil doers. They are super friendly and sociable, hell, they are actually dependent on having someone to socialize with. Also, A Lab's friendly psyche seems to be a dominant trait as apparently all cases of mutts that have a Labrador parents end up inhereting the Labrador's friendliness. 

      All of this seems way too cartoonish and silly to me, quite honestly. 

      I just couldn't connect to this story, it lacks the creep fact. 

      Have it be about a more intimate encounter and how the zombie dog stalks a person and tries to kill them, hell, even just a stray "wild" dog... or rather a pack of them would be scarier if done right. The zombie dog needs to be looking like an actual rotting dog carcass, that's a nasty one, describe how it's moving oddly, producing weird sounds, smelling like death itself (and it's a VERY bad smell) etc.

      And I know that Labradors are sweet, that is why the demon chose to possess Cooper, it knew that no one would suspect a sweet, innocent lab like him to be a cold blooded killer.
      Because no one would suspect a zombified dog as dangerous... Alright...
      No, i know people would indeed suspect a zombified dog as being dangerous.

      I was just responding to your reply about labradors being awful as evil doers.

      So, the demon is a stupid one... because it forgot that mortal carrions tend to rot when they die.

      I added a little more rot to him.

        Loading editor
    • Well, it is improved for sure. But it stills feel like you're just explaining the events to me, like a news report. There's a lot of lines that talk about stuff that we, the reader, shouldn't really know, much like the characters. It's just the narrator explaining that to us. It's mostly in lines like:

      The reason for this is that the force possessing Cooper can make proxies of itself, giving it the ability to possess multiple bodies at one time, and the headless body of Ashley would resurface in November of the same year.

      And it's not that it's based on a legend, I get that. It still feels like I'm being told what happened and not shown (I've been using that analogy a LOT lately).

      There's a fair amount of description, sure, but I still don't FEEL the fear. You gotta make me scared, give me that reason to be terrified of Cooper. I think you've got your story planning down for these two parts, and the writing has improved, but before moving on to part three, try working on the atmosphere the story creates for the reader. Make them feel as if THEY are the officer or Ashley in the story, and make them uncomfortable or terrified.

        Loading editor
    • Oh, okay.

        Loading editor
    • Lemme see, do you have any suggestions to increase the fear factor?

        Loading editor
    • Steven"SpringBubba"Savoy wrote: Lemme see, do you have any suggestions to increase the fear factor?

      Hmm... with the way you're going with this story, atmosphere is what you wanna focus on. Describe the environment and the type of day more. How the air feels. How does the character feel upon seeing Cooper? Is the blood rushing through their veins, pumping so hard they can't hear anything but the sounds of their own beating hearts? Give us the feel of the world you're writing about. Right now, we're just kinda watching all that stuff happen.

        Loading editor
    • Okay.

      I shall write it in then.

        Loading editor
    • I edited the draft.

        Loading editor
    • So, in all honesty, I have no major issues with the second chapter. The only real problem I see is that I don't know how Cooper got into the car. Did Ashley let him in? Did he teleport in? Either I missed the explanation, or you need to go back and put it in.

      As for 'Chapter 3', all of that stuff should by put earlier in the story. For example, the part about it being constantly overcast and raining was correctly included near the start of Chapter 2, but the parts regarding how characters feel around Cooper should be included in the moment, as the encounter happens. Don't be afraid to back up to earlier parts of the story to include important details like that. It'll be much spookier and more relatable in the moment than as an after word.

      The writing is improving. I actually really noticed the changes toward the beginning of chapter 2, particularly when you described the sky and rain, and how she was driving that quickly despite the slick road. These all show attention to detail, and the point about her speed in particular shows care for continuity. If you can apply that to each scene in the story, you'll be well on your way.

      Oh, and as a side note, I will see any time a change is made here. I get notified. I just have an odd schedule, and i tend to be free later in the day. But rest assured, I will see it, and if I feel the need, I will leave feedback and advice. :)

        Loading editor
    • Oh, okay, hang on.

        Loading editor
    • Ok, like most have said you have an OK premise for a story. The facts are there but it's being force fed and makes for a less than enjoyable read. The way each line breaks it's just like what  some others have said it sounds like I am being read instructions, "The road is here. *PAUSE* You will take a left. *PAUSE* Continue on for three miles. *PAUSE*" Each time you make a reader pause with this story it pulls them out of the experience. Within the first few lines they are disconnected. Wizard gave you a great example of how a well structured story should look, read, and feel when reading. You want each sentence to flow together and when you must transition to a new idea try to do is gracefully. Unless your intention is a sudden shock (for effect) then we don't want to get whiplash while reading. You want to gradually pull them in while giving the reader the information they need to "see" the world you are placing them in. To me it still seems like the skeleton of what it could be.

        Loading editor
    • L0CKED334,

      A very good comment about being pulled out of the story. That really hurts suspension of disbelief.

        Loading editor
    • L0CKED334 wrote: Ok, like most have said you have an OK premise for a story. The facts are there but it's being force fed and makes for a less than enjoyable read. The way each line breaks it's just like what  some others have said it sounds like I am being read instructions, "The road is here. *PAUSE* You will take a left. *PAUSE* Continue on for three miles. *PAUSE*" Each time you make a reader pause with this story it pulls them out of the experience. Within the first few lines they are disconnected. Wizard gave you a great example of how a well structured story should look, read, and feel when reading. You want each sentence to flow together and when you must transition to a new idea try to do is gracefully. Unless your intention is a sudden shock (for effect) then we don't want to get whiplash while reading. You want to gradually pull them in while giving the reader the information they need to "see" the world you are placing them in. To me it still seems like the skeleton of what it could be.

      Oh, I see, thank you for your criticism, I am indeed trying to gradually pull them in.

      I didn't mean to force feed the information, I just wasn't sure how to present it.

        Loading editor
    • DrBobSmith wrote: L0CKED334,

      A very good comment about being pulled out of the story. That really hurts suspension of disbelief.

      Excuse me Bob, may I ask you for a suggestion as how to use the information?

        Loading editor
    • Steven"SpringBubba"Savoy wrote:

      DrBobSmith wrote: L0CKED334,

      A very good comment about being pulled out of the story. That really hurts suspension of disbelief.

      Excuse me Bob, may I ask you for a suggestion as how to use the information?

      Actually I do.

      Learn how to effectively use a paragraph. This is a good intro, but you should study further. I would also suggest critically reading some well structured stories and get a feel for how they use paragraphs.

      https://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/User_blog:Fatal_Disease/How_to_Start_a_New_Paragraph_Or:_How_I_Learned_to_Not_Make_a_Wall-o-Text

      Also, rewrite the Chapter 1 and chapter 2 bit. You can have a transition in a paragraph over the four year difference.

        Loading editor
    • Oh, okay.

        Loading editor
    • DrBobSmith wrote:

      Steven"SpringBubba"Savoy wrote:

      DrBobSmith wrote: L0CKED334,

      A very good comment about being pulled out of the story. That really hurts suspension of disbelief.

      Excuse me Bob, may I ask you for a suggestion as how to use the information?

      Actually I do.

      Learn how to effectively use a paragraph. This is a good intro, but you should study further. I would also suggest critically reading some well structured stories and get a feel for how they use paragraphs.

      https://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/User_blog:Fatal_Disease/How_to_Start_a_New_Paragraph_Or:_How_I_Learned_to_Not_Make_a_Wall-o-Text

      Also, rewrite the Chapter 1 and chapter 2 bit. You can have a transition in a paragraph over the four year difference.

      Thank you for your helping suggestions.

        Loading editor
    • Alright, I rewrote the chapter 1 and chapter 2 bits and made them into a transitional sentence.

        Loading editor
    • I'm so sorry, Steven, but this is really bad.  It needs improvement in nearly every possible way.

      First of all, it doesn't feel like there's any point to the story.  A demon-possessed dog corpse is preying on people.  Okay.  So what?  What is it all for?  Where is it all going?  What's the point of it all?  Without a point, it just feels like a waste of time and energy.

      Next, it feels more like a documentary in places than a story.  There's too much telling and not enough showing.  Don't tell us what happens to people or to Cooper.  Pick a perspective and use the five senses to paint a vivid scene.  Make us experience what's happening.  This will eliminate your need for exclamation points and italics which, honestly, a good story shouldn't need.

      Finally, please don't write each individual sentence on its own line.  Use full paragraphs that contain multiple sentences each.  Each paragraph should have a job.  One sets the scene, one describes a person, one deals with a specific action, etc.  This will make your story flow much better.

      This needs a lot of work and time, Steven.  I wish this review could have been better, but it's just not ready for the wiki right now.

        Loading editor
    • Alright, thank you for your input.

        Loading editor
    • Jdeschene wrote: I'm so sorry, Steven, but this is really bad.  It needs improvement in nearly every possible way.

      First of all, it doesn't feel like there's any point to the story.  A demon-possessed dog corpse is preying on people.  Okay.  So what?  What is it all for?  Where is it all going?  What's the point of it all?  Without a point, it just feels like a waste of time and energy.

      Next, it feels more like a documentary in places than a story.  There's too much telling and not enough showing.  Don't tell us what happens to people or to Cooper.  Pick a perspective and use the five senses to paint a vivid scene.  Make us experience what's happening.  This will eliminate your need for exclamation points and italics which, honestly, a good story shouldn't need.

      Finally, please don't write each individual sentence on its own line.  Use full paragraphs that contain multiple sentences each.  Each paragraph should have a job.  One sets the scene, one describes a person, one deals with a specific action, etc.  This will make your story flow much better.

      This needs a lot of work and time, Steven.  I wish this review could have been better, but it's just not ready for the wiki right now.

      I, I understand.

        Loading editor
    • I have added the purpose for the demon dog killing people.

        Loading editor
    • I have to agree with Jdeschene. This is far from ready for prime time, as you asked me.

      Two weeks later, the woman who hit Cooper confessed that she did it and took off because she couldn't find him, so he was issued a 1000$ citation, 600$ for speeding, and 400$ for fleeing the scene of the accident.

      This is what I mean when I say it feels too much like a news report. In what way does this add to the plot? How does this make the story progress or make Cooper any more frightening? It doesn't.

      As soon as he got out of the heated car, the air felt as though it were 40° Fahrenheit even though it was a summer day, but yet Oliver felt as though his blood were slowly boiling, his blood was also rushing through his veins, yet it also felt like it was slowly thickening!

      Welcome to the Clan of Redundancy Clan. I know many of us said more description, but this is just dragging our feet now. It's a whole paragraph to tell us "it was hot out." Yeah, you can word it more interestingly to tell us it's hot out, but this is just telling us, one, two, three, four times that's hot.

      And then I get to the same point as J did above: what's the point? Why does it matter that Cooper is roaming the highway? We're being told a lot more about Cooper than the people that encounter him, so we don't feel the fear he presents because we're not worried about the characters.

      It needs work. That's all I got.

        Loading editor
    • Steven"SpringBubba"Savoy wrote:
      I have added the purpose for the demon dog killing people.

      Steven, unfortunately, this isn't a case of adding things here or fixing things there.  The story needs a complete overhaul and restructuring.

        Loading editor
    • I'm not a professional writer, I do write some stuff, but I don't do it daily either. But I'm going to say this anyways: I really feel like you are rushing it, Steven. I see you making changes all the time following what they say. And yes, they are correct about what they are saying, but you look like if you were not comprehending them. Making a story takes time, and you are going as fast as you can to have your story done. It looks like you want to be a Writer and need money right now, and you start writing so it gets approval and then continue writing stories until you finally get to sell books. Instant approval is not the point of writing, it's not the point of anything at all.

      Calm down. I don't think changing and adding stuff every two seconds is good or even worth it, because it doesn't even help the story.

      Start from zero. Write short notes about the characters of the story, then write short notes about the conflict, and so on. Learn how to tell a story, use Google or Youtube tutorials. I already said it and I'm saying it again: Analyze. Stop and analyze. Thinking is the first process. You can't just come up with some phrases and start putting them together and pretend it's a whole universe. Stop, relax and start again, maybe with a different story if you want. Talk with people who know about writing if you are really interested in it, surround yourself with the knowledge it requires.

      In The Slenderman wiki, you even started making a story of Slenderman in a thread. That's really poor. And you were adding facts completely out of knowhere to make your story work. And it didn't work because it lacked knowledge, in this case is about the Slenderman Mythos. But I also mean the knowledge for making the tale.

      We all start knowing nothing. But if we are interested, we start getting the knowledge. And we do it because we want to. It's part of everything's project. If you are interested, then you would investigate, do research, learn about the subject that attracts you.

      You create the universe, be responsible with it.

        Loading editor
    • RedNovaTyrant wrote: I have to agree with Jdeschene. This is far from ready for prime time, as you asked me.

      Two weeks later, the woman who hit Cooper confessed that she did it and took off because she couldn't find him, so he was issued a 1000$ citation, 600$ for speeding, and 400$ for fleeing the scene of the accident.

      This is what I mean when I say it feels too much like a news report. In what way does this add to the plot? How does this make the story progress or make Cooper any more frightening? It doesn't.

      As soon as he got out of the heated car, the air felt as though it were 40° Fahrenheit even though it was a summer day, but yet Oliver felt as though his blood were slowly boiling, his blood was also rushing through his veins, yet it also felt like it was slowly thickening!

      Welcome to the Clan of Redundancy Clan. I know many of us said more description, but this is just dragging our feet now. It's a whole paragraph to tell us "it was hot out." Yeah, you can word it more interestingly to tell us it's hot out, but this is just telling us, one, two, three, four times that's hot.

      And then I get to the same point as J did above: what's the point? Why does it matter that Cooper is roaming the highway? We're being told a lot more about Cooper than the people that encounter him, so we don't feel the fear he presents because we're not worried about the characters.

      It needs work. That's all I got.

      Oh, I understand...

        Loading editor
    • ÑeñeBrah wrote: I'm not a professional writer, I do write some stuff, but I don't do it daily either. But I'm going to say this anyways: I really feel like you are rushing it, Steven. I see you making changes all the time following what they say. And yes, they are correct about what they are saying, but you look like if you were not comprehending them. Making a story takes time, and you are going as fast as you can to have your story done. It looks like you want to be a Writer and need money right now, and you start writing so it gets approval and then continue writing stories until you finally get to sell books. Instant approval is not the point of writing, it's not the point of anything at all.

      Calm down. I don't think changing and adding stuff every two seconds is good or even worth it, because it doesn't even help the story.

      Start from zero. Write short notes about the characters of the story, then write short notes about the conflict, and so on. Learn how to tell a story, use Google or Youtube tutorials. I already said it and I'm saying it again: Analyze. Stop and analyze. Thinking is the first process. You can't just come up with some phrases and start putting them together and pretend it's a whole universe. Stop, relax and start again, maybe with a different story if you want. Talk with people who know about writing if you are really interested in it, surround yourself with the knowledge it requires.

      In The Slenderman wiki, you even started making a story of Slenderman in a thread. That's really poor. And you were adding facts completely out of knowhere to make your story work. And it didn't work because it lacked knowledge, in this case is about the Slenderman Mythos. But I also mean the knowledge for making the tale.

      We all start knowing nothing. But if we are interested, we start getting the knowledge. And we do it because we want to. It's part of everything's project. If you are interested, then you would investigate, do research, learn about the subject that attracts you.

      You create the universe, be responsible with it.

      Alright then, i shall

        Loading editor
    • Don't take it personally. As NeneBrah said, it seems like you're rushing to get the story out. I know what that's like, it's exciting to have your own story on the site. But it won't stay there if it's a bad story - it will be taken down. So the best thing you can do is take your time, work with it more, read more CPs similar to your own story and pull from what they did, and apply what you learn.

        Loading editor
    • Alright. Wait, can you send me links to good pastas similar to this?

        Loading editor
    • Steven"SpringBubba"Savoy wrote: Alright. Wait, can you send me links to good pastas similar to this?

      I don't know any myself, but I imagine searching things like "ghost dog creepypasta" will probably come up with something at the least. If it's here on the wiki, you can check the comments section to see what people think of it.

        Loading editor
    •   Loading editor
    • Or check the Animals catergory.

        Loading editor
    • You asked for help with the story in another thread. I am trying to give some here.

      I pasted your story into www.grammarly.com. You have dozens of errors in basic English. Grammarly and other tools help find some types of errors. They aren't a substitute for careful writing and composition.

      I pasted your story into https://www.scribens.com. It says you have 27 run-on sentences. Those make the story very difficult to read. Again this is just a tool but it does find some common mistakes. Since it's free, use it.

      Once you fix all of that, you have a lot more to fix in just the basic English composition. But we'll assume you do learn that. I am seeing some improvement. For example, you are using paragraphs now.

      I dislike the plot of the story. There - I said it. Maybe with time you can make it into something marvelous. I doubt it. Do the best you can with it and then when you REALLY can do no more you can go to the next story. If you want it to not disappear within hours then you will need to keep on working.

        Loading editor
    • DrBobSmith wrote:
      Do the best you can with it and then when you REALLY can do no more you can go to the next story. If you want it to not disappear within hours then you will need to keep on working.

      And I think there's value in keeping a practice story around, you know?  Maybe you never post this to the wiki, but working on it could still be valuable and an opportunity to learn and grow.  I think we all have stories like that in our personal collections.  It's just part of being a writer.

      Steven, you are already on a good track.  You're receptive to criticism and you clearly want to learn and improve.  Even if you scrap this story, that's a great way to be.  I look forward to more from you!  :-)

        Loading editor
    • Jdeschene wrote:

      DrBobSmith wrote:
      Do the best you can with it and then when you REALLY can do no more you can go to the next story. If you want it to not disappear within hours then you will need to keep on working.

      And I think there's value in keeping a practice story around, you know?  Maybe you never post this to the wiki, but working on it could still be valuable and an opportunity to learn and grow.  I think we all have stories like that in our personal collections.  It's just part of being a writer.

      Steven, you are already on a good track.  You're receptive to criticism and you clearly want to learn and improve.  Even if you scrap this story, that's a great way to be.  I look forward to more from you!  :-)

      Alright, I shall do my best to give more.

      And I am indeed open to criticism, after I'm not a schmuck like JC the hyena, I want to improve as I writer, I care about real horror.

        Loading editor
    • DrBobSmith wrote: You asked for help with the story in another thread. I am trying to give some here.

      I pasted your story into www.grammarly.com. You have dozens of errors in basic English. Grammarly and other tools help find some types of errors. They aren't a substitute for careful writing and composition.

      I pasted your story into https://www.scribens.com. It says you have 27 run-on sentences. Those make the story very difficult to read. Again this is just a tool but it does find some common mistakes. Since it's free, use it.

      Once you fix all of that, you have a lot more to fix in just the basic English composition. But we'll assume you do learn that. I am seeing some improvement. For example, you are using paragraphs now.

      I dislike the plot of the story. There - I said it. Maybe with time you can make it into something marvelous. I doubt it. Do the best you can with it and then when you REALLY can do no more you can go to the next story. If you want it to not disappear within hours then you will need to keep on working.

      I shall indeed keep on working.

        Loading editor
    • Sorry about the run on sentencing, I was just trying to group certain stuff into a paragraph.

        Loading editor
    • L0CKED334 wrote: Or check the Animals catergory.

      Alright, I shall.

        Loading editor
    • I'll rework the story tommorow, it shall be told from the point of view of Rutland police chief Oliver Martinez.

      And I am sorry for not replying hours ago, I went out of state to go to a drive in.

        Loading editor
    • No problem whatsoever, man. :)

        Loading editor
    • Noice, noice.

      I am also sorry if I might have rushed the story, I just really wanted to get it out there, and I ended up forgetting about my own words.

        Loading editor
    • Steven"SpringBubba"Savoy wrote:
      Noice, noice.

      I am also sorry if I might have rushed the story, I just really wanted to get it out there, and I ended up forgetting about my own words.

      Please stop apologizing.  You're not doing anything wrong.  Every writer's rushed a story.  Every writer's turned out winners and losers.  You're creating.  You're learning, and so are we all.

        Loading editor
    • Alright. Got it.

        Loading editor
    • Alright, I have restructured my story. How is it now?

        Loading editor
    • Steven"SpringBubba"Savoy wrote: Alright, I have restructured my story. How is it now?

      I see three monolithic block paragraphs. Not good.

      I didn't even read it. Just seeing that last tombstone of text was enough.

      Learn how to effectively use a paragraph. This is a good intro, but you should study further. I would also suggest critically reading some well-structured stories and get a feel for how they use paragraphs.

      https://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/User_blog:Fatal_Disease/How_to_Start_a_New_Paragraph_Or:_How_I_Learned_to_Not_Make_a_Wall-o-Text

        Loading editor
    • DrBobSmith wrote:

      Steven"SpringBubba"Savoy wrote: Alright, I have restructured my story. How is it now?

      I see three monolithic block paragraphs. Not good.

      I didn't even read it. Just seeing that last tombstone of text was enough.

      Learn how to effectively use a paragraph. This is a good intro, but you should study further. I would also suggest critically reading some well-structured stories and get a feel for how they use paragraphs.

      https://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/User_blog:Fatal_Disease/How_to_Start_a_New_Paragraph_Or:_How_I_Learned_to_Not_Make_a_Wall-o-Text

      Oh, alright then.

        Loading editor
    • Steven"SpringBubba"Savoy wrote:

      DrBobSmith wrote:

      Steven"SpringBubba"Savoy wrote: Alright, I have restructured my story. How is it now?

      I see three monolithic block paragraphs. Not good.

      I didn't even read it. Just seeing that last tombstone of text was enough.

      Learn how to effectively use a paragraph. This is a good intro, but you should study further. I would also suggest critically reading some well-structured stories and get a feel for how they use paragraphs.

      https://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/User_blog:Fatal_Disease/How_to_Start_a_New_Paragraph_Or:_How_I_Learned_to_Not_Make_a_Wall-o-Text

      Oh, alright then.

      I tried to break them up a little into more organized paragraphs.

        Loading editor
    • Well it feels like a text block a little. Also, honestly, no one would see an article about a lost dog unless the dog belongs to some important person, or that dog is famous for whatever reason.

        Loading editor
    • Oh, okay, I was just using the articles to give some backstory to Cooper.

        Loading editor
    • Steven"SpringBubba"Savoy wrote:
      Oh, okay, I was just using the articles to give some backstory to Cooper.

      You can throw in just a random backstory paragraph or two about the dog, as a dog.

        Loading editor
    • Okay. Just did.

        Loading editor
    • BloodySpghetti wrote:

      Steven"SpringBubba"Savoy wrote:
      Oh, okay, I was just using the articles to give some backstory to Cooper.

      You can throw in just a random backstory paragraph or two about the dog, as a dog.

      Made two paragraphs for backstory.

        Loading editor
    • It's a lot better than before, moving always in the right direction.  I really think description is your strong suit, because you've been able to paint such clear and vivid pictures.  The description of the dead dog is delightfully disgusting, for instance.

      What's missing, still, is a point.  This story needs to give the reader a reason for sticking around this long.  Letting the narrator escape unharmed at the end is a let down.  Stories this short need an ending that pops.  Maybe the dog wants to bit someone so this his demon soul can be transfered to a human, or something like that.  Maybe he succeeds.  Think about how you would convey that.

      That part is relatively easy.  What's a little trickier is execution.  The story still reads very messily and clunkily.  This is something you just have to get a feel for over time.  I suggest finding a story or a writer you really really like.  Or, failing that, one that a lot of people seem to think is really good.  Look at it closely.  How do they structure their sentences?  How do they present information to the reader?  Really study how they do this.  This will help you smooth out your own writing.

      I also think you need to take a break from this story.  Step back from it for at least a couple of days.  Right now, I think you're so caught up in it that you can't see it objectively.  Taking a break will help you come to it with fresh eyes and you'll be better able to see how to proceed.

        Loading editor
    • Jdeschene wrote: It's a lot better than before, moving always in the right direction.  I really think description is your strong suit, because you've been able to paint such clear and vivid pictures.  The description of the dead dog is delightfully disgusting, for instance.

      What's missing, still, is a point.  This story needs to give the reader a reason for sticking around this long.  Letting the narrator escape unharmed at the end is a let down.  Stories this short need an ending that pops.  Maybe the dog wants to bit someone so this his demon soul can be transfered to a human, or something like that.  Maybe he succeeds.  Think about how you would convey that.

      That part is relatively easy.  What's a little trickier is execution.  The story still reads very messily and clunkily.  This is something you just have to get a feel for over time.  I suggest finding a story or a writer you really really like.  Or, failing that, one that a lot of people seem to think is really good.  Look at it closely.  How do they structure their sentences?  How do they present information to the reader?  Really study how they do this.  This will help you smooth out your own writing.

      I also think you need to take a break from this story.  Step back from it for at least a couple of days.  Right now, I think you're so caught up in it that you can't see it objectively.  Taking a break will help you come to it with fresh eyes and you'll be better able to see how to proceed.

      I guess you're right, I shall.

        Loading editor
    • Jdeschene wrote: It's a lot better than before, moving always in the right direction.  I really think description is your strong suit, because you've been able to paint such clear and vivid pictures.  The description of the dead dog is delightfully disgusting, for instance.

      What's missing, still, is a point.  This story needs to give the reader a reason for sticking around this long.  Letting the narrator escape unharmed at the end is a let down.  Stories this short need an ending that pops.  Maybe the dog wants to bit someone so this his demon soul can be transfered to a human, or something like that.  Maybe he succeeds.  Think about how you would convey that.

      That part is relatively easy.  What's a little trickier is execution.  The story still reads very messily and clunkily.  This is something you just have to get a feel for over time.  I suggest finding a story or a writer you really really like.  Or, failing that, one that a lot of people seem to think is really good.  Look at it closely.  How do they structure their sentences?  How do they present information to the reader?  Really study how they do this.  This will help you smooth out your own writing.

      I also think you need to take a break from this story.  Step back from it for at least a couple of days.  Right now, I think you're so caught up in it that you can't see it objectively.  Taking a break will help you come to it with fresh eyes and you'll be better able to see how to proceed.

      There actually is more to come.

        Loading editor
    • Steven"SpringBubba"Savoy wrote:

      Jdeschene wrote: It's a lot better than before, moving always in the right direction.  I really think description is your strong suit, because you've been able to paint such clear and vivid pictures.  The description of the dead dog is delightfully disgusting, for instance.

      What's missing, still, is a point.  This story needs to give the reader a reason for sticking around this long.  Letting the narrator escape unharmed at the end is a let down.  Stories this short need an ending that pops.  Maybe the dog wants to bit someone so this his demon soul can be transfered to a human, or something like that.  Maybe he succeeds.  Think about how you would convey that.

      That part is relatively easy.  What's a little trickier is execution.  The story still reads very messily and clunkily.  This is something you just have to get a feel for over time.  I suggest finding a story or a writer you really really like.  Or, failing that, one that a lot of people seem to think is really good.  Look at it closely.  How do they structure their sentences?  How do they present information to the reader?  Really study how they do this.  This will help you smooth out your own writing.

      I also think you need to take a break from this story.  Step back from it for at least a couple of days.  Right now, I think you're so caught up in it that you can't see it objectively.  Taking a break will help you come to it with fresh eyes and you'll be better able to see how to proceed.

      There actually is more to come.

      Also J, thank you for your suggestion.

        Loading editor
    • A FANDOM user
        Loading editor
Give Kudos to this message
You've given this message Kudos!
See who gave Kudos to this message
Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.