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  • “Who are you,” the little boy said as he looks at what he assumed was a tall man leaning over him. It was dark but a faint light could be seen in the distance. He blinked and look again at the man then asking, “Where is my mom and dad?” The tall figure said nothing but reached out his hand stopping it in front of the little boy. As the little boy put his palm in the tall man’s hand he is pulled up to his feet. The man bends down close to the boy. The man’s face couldn’t be seen because the cloak only showed darkness where his face would be.


    “Hello Reggie,” says the man in a deep haunting voice.

    The child being afraid stutters, “How-how do you know who I am?"

    The man going back to his original standing position he speaks once more. 

    “I’m Mr. Demies and I know everything about you little Reggie,” he stops and raises Reggie to put on his shoulders.  “It’s very nice to meet you in the living flesh” he chuckles a deep quite laugh as this is said and starts to walk down a seeming long path.

    “Mr. Demise where are my parents and are they okay?” Reggie ask.  Mr. Demise stops sets down Reggie and bends over and taps his nose with his long black finger.

    “Your parents are fine Reggie,” he says as he stands upright again. 

    “Reggie what do you last remember?” Mr. Demise ask in his low deep haunting voice.  

    Reggie pauses as he recalls what he remembers “Well”, he starts “I was lying in my bed because I was very sick."

    “Continue,” Mr. Demise says as the child pauses.

    “I remember my dad giving me a hug before I fell asleep and now I’m here."

    There was quietness until Mr. Demise started to speak, “Your father loved you very much Reggie,” he pauses then continues, “You were very sick and not likely to make it."   

    Another pause was there along with the dark atmosphere and silence until ounce again broken by Mr. Demise “I’m going to simply say this and tell you that you had cancer,” he bends down towards Reggie, “And your father brought you to this wonderful place." 

    Reggie looks at Mr. Demise with fear written all over his face as he asks, “Why would my dad bring me here?"                                                                                                                                                                                       
    “He wanted to ease your pain Reggie,” Mr. Demise was now speaking louder than earlier. "To simply put this," Mr. Demise pauses leans down and pulls a knife from behind Reggie’s back then dangling the knife with his long fingers in front of him “He killed you, Reggie."                                                                                                                                   

    Reggie was frozen in horror fear as he then hears in the faint distance a familiar voice, “Son,” it said, “Son what’s going on in there?"

    Reggie in a crying voice says his final words “Dad,” before Mr. Demise raps his tongue around him and biting him in half leaving the rest of the boy’s body there in his bedroom. Leaving out of the window the boy's dad screams in terror.

    “He ruined my fun,” Mr. Demise says angrily to himself as he leaves, "Maybe I’ll eat some kid's soul next time."   

      Loading editor
    • Take a good look at this. A long hard look, then hover over the community tab. Select the first item that says, "Stories by authors on this Wiki". Pick an author, any author. Then pick a story, any story. Compare the two. Put them side-by-side if you have to. That should answer your question.

        Loading editor
    • L0CKED334 wrote:
      Take a good look at this. A long hard look, then hover over the community tab. Select the first item that says, "Stories by authors on this Wiki". Pick an author, any author. Then pick a story, any story. Compare the two. Put them side-by-side if you have to. That should answer your question.

      Im guess this is fricken trash.

        Loading editor
    • Oh and L0CKED334 wrote:
      Take a good look at this. A long hard look, then hover over the community tab. Select the first item that says, "Stories by authors on this Wiki". Pick an author, any author. Then pick a story, any story. Compare the two. Put them side-by-side if you have to. That should answer your question.

      Oh it wasn't spposed to upload like this ill fix that.

        Loading editor
    • This is a reformatted version of your story. I also took the type to copy/paste it into Grammarly.com, it helped weed out major spelling and grammatical errors. That's just structure, you still have to deal with the content of the story itself.

      “Who are you,” the little boy said as he looks at what he assumed was a tall man leaning over him. It was dark but a faint light could be seen in the distance. He blinked and look again at the man then asking, “Where is my mom and dad?” The tall figure said nothing but reached out his hand stopping it in front of the little boy. As the little boy put his palm in the tall man’s hand he is pulled up to his feet. The man bends down close to the boy. The man’s face couldn’t be seen because the cloak only showed darkness where his face would be.


      “Hello Reggie,” says the man in a deep haunting voice.

      The child being afraid stutters, “How-how do you know who I am?"

      The man going back to his original standing position he speaks once more. 

      “I’m Mr. Demies and I know everything about you little Reggie,” he stops and raises Reggie to put on his shoulders.  “It’s very nice to meet you in the living flesh” he chuckles a deep quite laugh as this is said and starts to walk down a seeming long path.

      “Mr. Demise where are my parents and are they okay?” Reggie ask.  Mr. Demise stops sets down Reggie and bends over and taps his nose with his long black finger.

      “Your parents are fine Reggie,” he says as he stands upright again. 

      “Reggie what do you last remember?” Mr. Demise ask in his low deep haunting voice.  

      Reggie pauses as he recalls what he remembers “Well”, he starts “I was lying in my bed because I was very sick."

      “Continue,” Mr. Demise says as the child pauses.

      “I remember my dad giving me a hug before I fell asleep and now I’m here."

      There was quietness until Mr. Demise started to speak, “Your father loved you very much Reggie,” he pauses then continues, “You were very sick and not likely to make it."   

      Another pause was there along with the dark atmosphere and silence until ounce again broken by Mr. Demise “I’m going to simply say this and tell you that you had cancer,” he bends down towards Reggie, “And your father brought you to this wonderful place." 

      Reggie looks at Mr. Demise with fear written all over his face as he asks, “Why would my dad bring me here?"                                                                                                                                                                                       
      “He wanted to ease your pain Reggie,” Mr. Demise was now speaking louder than earlier. "To simply put this," Mr. Demise pauses leans down and pulls a knife from behind Reggie’s back then dangling the knife with his long fingers in front of him “He killed you, Reggie."                                                                                                                                   

      Reggie was frozen in horror fear as he then hears in the faint distance a familiar voice, “Son,” it said, “Son what’s going on in there?"

      Reggie in a crying voice says his final words “Dad,” before Mr. Demise raps his tongue around him and biting him in half leaving the rest of the boy’s body there in his bedroom. Leaving out of the window the boy's dad screams in terror.

      “He ruined my fun,” Mr. Demise says angrily to himself as he leaves, "Maybe I’ll eat some kid's soul next time."   

        Loading editor
    • L0CKED334 wrote:
      This is a reformatted version of your story. I also took the type to copy/paste it into Grammarly.com, it helped weed out major spelling and grammatical errors. That's just structure, you still have to deal with the content of the story itself.

      “Who are you,” the little boy said as he looks at what he assumed was a tall man leaning over him. It was dark but a faint light could be seen in the distance. He blinked and look again at the man then asking, “Where is my mom and dad?” The tall figure said nothing but reached out his hand stopping it in front of the little boy. As the little boy put his palm in the tall man’s hand he is pulled up to his feet. The man bends down close to the boy. The man’s face couldn’t be seen because the cloak only showed darkness where his face would be.


      “Hello Reggie,” says the man in a deep haunting voice.

      The child being afraid stutters, “How-how do you know who I am?"

      The man going back to his original standing position he speaks once more. 

      “I’m Mr. Demies and I know everything about you little Reggie,” he stops and raises Reggie to put on his shoulders.  “It’s very nice to meet you in the living flesh” he chuckles a deep quite laugh as this is said and starts to walk down a seeming long path.

      “Mr. Demise where are my parents and are they okay?” Reggie ask.  Mr. Demise stops sets down Reggie and bends over and taps his nose with his long black finger.

      “Your parents are fine Reggie,” he says as he stands upright again. 

      “Reggie what do you last remember?” Mr. Demise ask in his low deep haunting voice.  

      Reggie pauses as he recalls what he remembers “Well”, he starts “I was lying in my bed because I was very sick."

      “Continue,” Mr. Demise says as the child pauses.

      “I remember my dad giving me a hug before I fell asleep and now I’m here."

      There was quietness until Mr. Demise started to speak, “Your father loved you very much Reggie,” he pauses then continues, “You were very sick and not likely to make it."   

      Another pause was there along with the dark atmosphere and silence until ounce again broken by Mr. Demise “I’m going to simply say this and tell you that you had cancer,” he bends down towards Reggie, “And your father brought you to this wonderful place." 

      Reggie looks at Mr. Demise with fear written all over his face as he asks, “Why would my dad bring me here?"                                                                                                                                                                                       
      “He wanted to ease your pain Reggie,” Mr. Demise was now speaking louder than earlier. "To simply put this," Mr. Demise pauses leans down and pulls a knife from behind Reggie’s back then dangling the knife with his long fingers in front of him “He killed you, Reggie."                                                                                                                                   

      Reggie was frozen in horror fear as he then hears in the faint distance a familiar voice, “Son,” it said, “Son what’s going on in there?"

      Reggie in a crying voice says his final words “Dad,” before Mr. Demise raps his tongue around him and biting him in half leaving the rest of the boy’s body there in his bedroom. Leaving out of the window the boy's dad screams in terror.

      “He ruined my fun,” Mr. Demise says angrily to himself as he leaves, "Maybe I’ll eat some kid's soul next time."   

      What wrong with the story and is it cliche or boring.

        Loading editor
    • Now as for the story itself, you had something good going (even though I don't like how it is constructed, I would completely rewrite this if it was mine). Then you get to the end and it just ruins it. His dad sent him there? I am asuming Mr. Demise is lying to him at this point, which you should point out to the reader somehow. Then he just bites him in half and leaves? And this sentence, "Leaving out of the window, the boy's dad screams in terror." You do realize that the way this is written it sounds like the boy's father is leaving out the window while screaming, right?

        Loading editor
    • L0CKED334 wrote:
      Now as for the story itself, you had something good going (even though I don't like how it is constructed, I would completely rewrite this if it was mine). Then you get to the end and it just ruins it. His dad sent him there? I am asuming Mr. Demise is lying to him at this point, which you should point out to the reader somehow. Then he just bites him in half and leaves? And this sentence, "Leaving out of the window, the boy's dad screams in terror." You do realize that the way this is written it sounds like the boy's father is leaving out the window while screaming, right?

      Omg it does?  lol look he's lying to his why eles would his dad be calling also I put He ruined my fun so that should be seperateing the two also think about what was said  “Son what’s going on in there?"  hinting he was in his room the whole time and everything that happend he was dreaming. Mr. Demise comes at night feeds fear into his vitcoms before he consumes them it makes them quite satiating for him. I had this whole story visually in my head and had to write it down.

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    • Simon Slaughters wrote:
      L0CKED334 wrote:
      Now as for the story itself, you had something good going (even though I don't like how it is constructed, I would completely rewrite this if it was mine). Then you get to the end and it just ruins it. His dad sent him there? I am asuming Mr. Demise is lying to him at this point, which you should point out to the reader somehow. Then he just bites him in half and leaves? And this sentence, "Leaving out of the window, the boy's dad screams in terror." You do realize that the way this is written it sounds like the boy's father is leaving out the window while screaming, right?
      Omg it does?  lol look he's lying to his why eles would his dad be calling also I put He ruined my fun so that should be seperateing the two also think about what was said  “Son what’s going on in there?"  hinting he was in his room the whole time and everything that happend he was dreaming. Mr. Demise comes at night feeds fear into his vitcoms before he consumes them it makes them quite satiating for him. I had this whole story visually in my head and had to write it down.

      I understand that, but I probably would have got in out in notepad or some other text document before putting it up. I know this is a workshop and all but you need to have something to work with first.

        Loading editor
    • L0CKED334 wrote:
      Simon Slaughters wrote:
      L0CKED334 wrote:
      Now as for the story itself, you had something good going (even though I don't like how it is constructed, I would completely rewrite this if it was mine). Then you get to the end and it just ruins it. His dad sent him there? I am asuming Mr. Demise is lying to him at this point, which you should point out to the reader somehow. Then he just bites him in half and leaves? And this sentence, "Leaving out of the window, the boy's dad screams in terror." You do realize that the way this is written it sounds like the boy's father is leaving out the window while screaming, right?
      Omg it does?  lol look he's lying to his why eles would his dad be calling also I put He ruined my fun so that should be seperateing the two also think about what was said  “Son what’s going on in there?"  hinting he was in his room the whole time and everything that happend he was dreaming. Mr. Demise comes at night feeds fear into his vitcoms before he consumes them it makes them quite satiating for him. I had this whole story visually in my head and had to write it down.
      I understand that, but I probably would have got in out in notepad or some other text document before putting it up. I know this is a workshop and all but you need to have something to work with first.

      What are you talking about? That has nothing to do with what I just said.

        Loading editor
    • I say, first get your first story well and done and then come up with the second one. 

      Doing half of one story and jumping onto another, it's just meh... Not a good idea, the same problems show up here too... It's too skinny and lacks in oomph, it's just not scary, nor emotion inducing, nor thought inducing... it's just there... 

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    • BloodySpghetti wrote:
      I say, first get your first story well and done and then come up with the second one. 

      Doing half of one story and jumping onto another, it's just meh... Not a good idea, the same problems show up here too... It's too skinny and lacks in oomph, it's just not scary, nor emotion inducing, nor thought inducing... it's just there... 

      I gave up on the last one.

        Loading editor
    • BloodySpghetti wrote: I say, first get your first story well and done and then come up with the second one. 

      Doing half of one story and jumping onto another, it's just meh... Not a good idea, the same problems show up here too... It's too skinny and lacks in oomph, it's just not scary, nor emotion inducing, nor thought inducing... it's just there... 

      Bloody Spaghetti,

      I think the overall idea may be easier on the second. Personally, I throw away about as many ideas as I complete. I figure if I get bored writing it then everyone else will get bored reading it.

        Loading editor
    • Simon Slaughters wrote:
      BloodySpghetti wrote:
      I say, first get your first story well and done and then come up with the second one. 

      Doing half of one story and jumping onto another, it's just meh... Not a good idea, the same problems show up here too... It's too skinny and lacks in oomph, it's just not scary, nor emotion inducing, nor thought inducing... it's just there... 

      I gave up on the last one.

      elabrate on wat was said.

        Loading editor
    • Simon Slaughters wrote:

      elabrate on wat was said.

      Simon,

      You must practice correct spelling at all times. "Elaborate on what was said." If your spelling is a joke, people won't take your stories seriously.

        Loading editor
    • DrBobSmith wrote:

      Simon Slaughters wrote:

      elabrate on wat was said.

      Simon,

      You must practice correct spelling at all times. "Elaborate on what was said." If your spelling is a joke, people won't take your stories seriously.

      I see, aprently one says my story has promise and the other sayin it's meh. My question is what do you think good sir.

        Loading editor
    • I think that this one has more chance than the other one. You would need to do a great deal of work to bring out the real essence and feeling.

        Loading editor
    • Simon Slaughters wrote:
      Simon Slaughters wrote:
      BloodySpghetti wrote:
      I say, first get your first story well and done and then come up with the second one. 

      Doing half of one story and jumping onto another, it's just meh... Not a good idea, the same problems show up here too... It's too skinny and lacks in oomph, it's just not scary, nor emotion inducing, nor thought inducing... it's just there... 

      I gave up on the last one.
      elabrate on wat was said.

      Honestly, the "evil" Grimm Reaper kind of character is rather boring, Death isn't evil, it's just there. It's a fact of nature, all things must come to an end. Unironically, even the universe will come to an end. Ironically however, living matter might be promoting enthropy through it's existence.

      If anything the depiction of Death as a tragic character is far more powerful, because dying brings a lot pain, sadness, gloom, and over all negative notions into the atmosphere, for us humans, and well other intelligent animals too. Now if we're being realistic here, Death the "person" would be more of an ancient being that doesn't really care and has all the power in the world over pretty much everything. Think God just with more indifference and sarcasm. That, that would an ideal representation of a Death personified. 

      The story could be that the kid reachers the underworld and Death has to tell him his father put him out of his misery, but the story has to be told very tragically, and bluntly. Death tells it awfully bluntling and the child's memories are very childish with the final detailing of the child's murder at the hands of his parent to "save" the kid from his pediatric cancer... The idea is golden, your execution is very much not. 

        Loading editor
    • Bloody Spaghetti,

      Death is one of the big unknowns and the big fears. There's going to be room in death for creepypasta until people start coming back and explaining what it's really like on the other side.

      I interpreted it as something pretending to be a gentle, kind death but really was just another ordinary killer. The kid was alive until almost the end.

        Loading editor
    • DrBobSmith wrote:
      Bloody Spaghetti,

      Death is one of the big unknowns and the big fears. There's going to be room in death for creepypasta until people start coming back and explaining what it's really like on the other side.

      I interpreted it as something pretending to be a gentle, kind death but really was just another ordinary killer. The kid was alive until almost the end.

      I guess Im looking at it from a none Judeo-Christian point of view. I do prefer the tragedy to blatant "slashers" nowadays to be quite honest. I guess I've just matured a little too much. 

      Also, on a side note, remember you told me about writing a CP on Israeli matters? i'll be uploading one soon. 

      o
        Loading editor
    • DrBobSmith wrote:
      I think that this one has more chance than the other one. You would need to do a great deal of work to bring out the real essence and feeling.

      Maybe any advice fror bringing it out more.

        Loading editor
    • BloodySpghetti wrote:
      Simon Slaughters wrote:
      Simon Slaughters wrote:
      BloodySpghetti wrote:
      I say, first get your first story well and done and then come up with the second one. 

      Doing half of one story and jumping onto another, it's just meh... Not a good idea, the same problems show up here too... It's too skinny and lacks in oomph, it's just not scary, nor emotion inducing, nor thought inducing... it's just there... 

      I gave up on the last one.
      elabrate on wat was said.
      Honestly, the "evil" Grimm Reaper kind of character is rather boring, Death isn't evil, it's just there. It's a fact of nature, all things must come to an end. Unironically, even the universe will come to an end. Ironically however, living matter might be promoting enthropy through it's existence.

      If anything the depiction of Death as a tragic character is far more powerful, because dying brings a lot pain, sadness, gloom, and over all negative notions into the atmosphere, for us humans, and well other intelligent animals too. Now if we're being realistic here, Death the "person" would be more of an ancient being that doesn't really care and has all the power in the world over pretty much everything. Think God just with more indifference and sarcasm. That, that would an ideal representation of a Death personified. 

      The story could be that the kid reachers the underworld and Death has to tell him his father put him out of his misery, but the story has to be told very tragically, and bluntly. Death tells it awfully bluntling and the child's memories are very childish with the final detailing of the child's murder at the hands of his parent to "save" the kid from his pediatric cancer... The idea is golden, your execution is very much not. 

      The idea of it is he supposed to represent death but not accually be deat hence name Mr. Demise he tricks his victims into thinking they are some place different slowly building fear in them (like he does with the child) and consuming them by soul ar just the pysical being. Mr. Demise is not human.

        Loading editor
    • After reading it. I my self didn't get that heart dropping factor. Kind of like reading the old school Goosebumps books. I'm not a expert at this, but i know i want the Suspense.

        Loading editor
    • Spelling and grammar issues: First of all the first paragraph is a wall of text, and the second is seperated by two spaces instead of just one. "He blinked and look again at the man then asking" not only is this a tense change, but also it lacks punctuation and "and look again" should be "and looked again". The first paragraph is in the past tense and the rest of the story is in the present tense. "he stops and raises Reggie to put on his shoulders." should be "he stops and raises Reggie to put him on his shoulders." "he chuckles a deep quite laugh as this is said and starts to walk down a seeming long path." you spelled quiet "quite" "as this is said" is pointless. "Mr. Demise stops sets down" should be "Mr. Demise stops and sets Reggie down." “Mr. Demise where are my parents and are they okay?” would make more sense if it was "Mr. Demise, where are my parents? Are they okay?". "Reggie ask." should be "Reggie asked", aslo you added two spaces instead of just one after it. "Mr. Demise ask in his low deep haunting voice." should be "Mr. Demise asked in his low, deep, haunting voice." After Mr. Demise tells Reggie his father killed him there are two lines of space rather than just one. "Reggie was frozen in horror fear" should probably be just "Reggie was frozen in horror" or "Reggie was frozen with fear." "Reggie in a crying voice says" should just be "Crying, Reggie says". " Mr. Demise raps his tongue" should be "Mr. Demise wraps his tongue". "biting him in half leaving the rest of" there should be a comma after half. "Leaving out of the window the boy's dad screams in terror." should be "Leaning out the window of the boy's room, Reggie's dad screams in horror."

      Plot issues: "The child being afraid stutters, 'How-how do you know who I am?'" it would sound better worded if he asked "How-how do you know my name?" The plot itself isn't scary, all we have here is (I'm assuming) a grim reaper who eats children's souls. The part where he eats him comes off more comedic than it does horrifying.

      This story's major issues are tense (it should be told in the past tense), you forgot punctuation sometimes, you forgot to ad "-ed" at the end of verbs (i.e. "Reggie ask."), and the story itself is flat and not even remotely scary. The story itself needs more fleshed out, a majority of this story is just Reggie and Mr. Demise talking.

        Loading editor
    • Simon,

      You need to listen very carefully to the advice on this story. Of the three, it's the best idea. You have good people trying to help you.

      Start with the fundamentals of English. If the story won't pass a spelling and grammar correction program like grammarly, don't post it yet.

      Below is a Blog entry of mine. It is a review of FREE spelling and grammar correction sites on the web. Yes, FREE, as in no money. You can't afford not to use them.

      User_blog:DrBobSmith/Basic_Spell_and_Grammar_Checking

        Loading editor
    • Well, whatever this creature is, my point stands... telling the kid he has died and that his father killed him to "save him" from his Cancer before trying to actually kill him or the soul... that would work, because it's a child and not used for a cheap shock value plot point. 

      Fix your English though, as well. 

        Loading editor
    • NoTimeCreepy wrote:
      After reading it. I my self didn't get that heart dropping factor. Kind of like reading the old school Goosebumps books.

      I'm not a expert at this, but i know i want the Suspense.

      Maybe you have an idea to pick this back up and give it more flame.

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    • A FANDOM user
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