• My name is Alexandra Lynn Zora. I'm 17 years old and I go to a private school for exceptional students in the New York area. My favorite area of studies in school is music and science. I play the cello at concerts around the state performing classic pieces from Beethoven and Bach.

    My parents own a huge company call Zora Medical and we produce the finest medicine for people all around the world, my parents regularly donate large sums of both money and medicine to the less well-off individuals of the country and to third world countries. My mom started off as a nurse in a small suburb of Baton Rouge, Louisiana and my dad as a pharmacist in Los Angeles, California. They met at a convention in Denver, Colorado for a new cancer medicine and treatments. Sparks flew and after dating for two years my dad proposed and shortly thereafter my parents were married. After many long nights of trying and experimenting my parents actually found the cure for cancer and patented it. With the cure for all types of cancer, my parents were millionaires practically overnight. They moved into a cozy neighborhood in New York and here we are 17 years later with me telling you about the exclusive, invite-only dinner I experienced with my parents.

    My weeks are usually plain and mundane and repetitive. School, concerts, practices, so on and so forth. Just this past week my mom and dad were discussing going to one of those dinners they always go to. They leave early and I usually have the house to myself for the rest of the evening and the whole next day. I never understood why they were gone for almost 36 hours but were only going to dinner. Then again, my parents were always going off to weird places ever since I could remember, but I never got invited so I decided to ask when he brought this one up to mom.

    "Dad, why do I never get invited to these dinners?" I asked the night before they were supposed to go.

    "They're just boring dinners. We talk about new developments in medicine and how we can better the care of patients or how to make side effects easier to deal with. You wouldn't be interested in all the boring adult talk." He said casually.

    "But shouldn't I know who I'll be dealing with when I'm older? When I take over the company and have to make decisions like this?" I cut into my steak before loading my mashed potato with butter, sour cream, and bacon.

    "She's not wrong darling," my mother vouched for me.

    "I know she's not Olivia, but I don't think she's quite ready for these dinners," putting extra emphasis on the word these.

    My mother was quiet and was in agreement with him. She didn't utter another word on the subject, however, she did change the subject. "Alex, how do you feel about playing in Madison Square Garden next weekend?"

    I hated when they treated me like a child, I wanted to go to this dinner. I was willing to put up with boring business talk and having to look at numbers and charts that didn't make sense to me but I wanted to take the extra initiative to start learning. "Sure," I said through my teeth.

    "Don't be like that Alexandra," my father scolded me. "We just want you to enjoy your time as a teenager. You won't be 17 forever."

    "I know dad but I want to be treated like an adult. I get A's in school, I do extra by playing concerts and I've signed up for AP Anatomy and Science in school. I want to come to this 'dinner'. Why do you think I'm not ready?"

    My dad looked at my mom and they almost had a telepathic conversation between the two of them while I was sitting right there.

    "Hello? I'm still here." I said clearly annoyed.

    "We'll talk about it," my dad said. "Please finish your dinner, Alex."

    I did as I was told. 'We'll talk about it' was as good as a no, I knew my parents too well. I knew that they would be gone before I got home from school and I would be alone for the rest of my Friday night and the majority, if not all of Saturday. I finished my dinner and excused myself to my room. I finished my homework and I practiced on the cello. I had to decide on a piece for next weekend. Did I want to write something or did I want to play something already written? So much stress. I did scales while I tried to decide but all I could think about was that damned dinner. Why wasn't I allowed to go?

    After an hour or so of doing scales, major and minor, endlessly repeating I decided I wanted a shower. I got my robe and my hair towel and entered the bathroom.

    Upon entering I saw my tub, and it was calling my name. I decided to take a bath instead of a shower, I had a huge claw foot tub that I hardly ever used but I just decided I wanted to be enveloped in warmth instead of having the water run over me. I let the water run just a little too hot for comfort and dropped in some rose petals soaked in Jasmine oil for the perfect bath. I put on some classical music and let the water caress my body as I sank into the tub, the temperature was perfect. I felt all of my stress and annoyance melt away into the water. The oil was definitely a good call, Jasmine is the best. I love Jasmine tea too, with a teaspoon of sugar. It's perfect for destressing or just to have on a cool day.

    Beethoven's 5th Symphony just came on, the first classic I ever learned a cello part too. Also, my favorite Beethoven song, ever, behind Fur Elise. At about 3 minutes in there came a sudden, sharp knock on my bathroom door. "Alex," I heard my mother's soft voice behind the door. "May I come in?"

    "I'm kinda, uh." I was at a loss for words. "Hang on mom."

    I turned on the jets so the water would bubble and cover my indecency while my mother and I talked. "The door's unlocked."

    A moment later I heard the knob turn and my mother slip into the room. "I'm sorry to intrude, do you want me to come back?"

    "It doesn't matter, you can stay if you want. It's not like you haven't ever seen me naked before," I said my back to her and the door.

    "I know, but I respect your privacy Alex. I don't want you to think I'm barging in on you." She shut the door and quietly walked across the room. "Your father and I have talked about the dinner."

    "And?" I sat up and turned around but still kept my body submerged in the water.

    "These.....dinners," she hesitated. "Are for a person who has an acquired taste for certain things."

    "You act like I haven't had exotic food mom." I laughed but her face did not change expressions.

    "It's not that I'm worried about, but your father and I have decided that we will let you come to this one, but no more until after you've turned 18."

    "Okay...?" I said puzzled.

    "I will pick you up from school tomorrow after lunch." She said and then she just got up and left. She didn't utter another word to me.

    I got my wish, I was finally going to one of these weird dinners with my parents. She's probably worried I won't eat what they serve or something. I shrugged it off and slid back down and relaxed with the jets swirling the water around me and tiny little bubbles forming on the water's surface. I dipped my head under and wet my hair, I resurfaced and listened to the woodwinds sing a sad tune of loss and the brass triumphantly enter the song.

    When the song was finished I drained the bath water and stepped out. I wrapped my hair in the towel and my body in my robe. I was relaxed and I wasn't going to be all alone tomorrow night. What was I going to wear? What about my hair? My make up? Oh, the decisions I had to make, but I was going to play it cool until I knew what mom and dad were going to wear.

    Fast forward to the next day, it's fourth period and I'm watching the minutes slowly tick by on the clock. It's almost lunch, which means mom will be here to pick me up soon. I'm trying to concentrate on my school lesson but I can't. The whole period drags by but finally ends. I rush out and down to my locker where I pack my book bag with the homework I already have and I go to the rooms of my next three classes to collect my homework and study guides for missing class. This was so unusual, I never missed school. Ever.

    My cell is buzzing, mom is calling. I answer, "hello?"

    She's outside, she's here to get me. Finally. I finish grabbing everything I need and I walk out to meet her. Mom is dressed casually in jeans and a t-shirt, me in my school uniform. "We'll go home to get new clothes and then we have to go to the airport, your dad is waiting for us there."

    "You guys fly out of town for these dinners?" I asked shocked. "What else are you NOT telling me?"

    Mom was silent until we got home. "Pack something formal and something to wear home Saturday."

    "Okay," I say not arguing. I rush up to my room and pack my concert gown, a white and gold trim floor length dress with an open back and a low V-Neck front but with lace covering all the way down. I grab my work out an outfit for the ultimate comfort experience for the flight home. I put on capris and a tank top, with a light sweater on and go downstairs. "I'm ready to go."

    "Okay, let's go then." Mom and I got in the car and she drove us to the airport where dad was standing next to a jet.

    He reached out his hand and my mother placed her hand in his. He gently clasped and kissed the back of her hand. "Hello, beautiful."

    When dad saw me he did the same but greeted me with. "Hello, my sweet girl."

    I blushed a little and said, "hello daddy." I hugged him and he motioned mom and me up the stairs to board the jet.

    "Alex, I need you to be on your absolute best behavior tonight," dad said once we were up in the air.

    "Have I ever made a fool of any of us dad?" I asked kind of irritated with the remark.

    "No, but you have to understand this is an adult kind of thing and you'll be experiencing something no other teenager will." He said slicking his hair back.

    I always liked the way my dad looked with his hair slicked back and the way that it shined, it was comparable to Gomez Addams. My dad was a real sharp looking guy and I hope my husband looks good like that when I get married. "I understand dad, say no more." I put my hand up to express that he didn't need to say anymore.

    "Okay good. But you should prepare for the unexpected, some wild things happen at these dinners." He said and then left to go to a private room.

    "You should go change into your dinner wear darling," my mother said following closely behind my dad after motioning to a room on the other side of the plane.

    I changed into my dress and did my make up, but I left my hair down. I always liked to do a similar updo to my mother, so I usually let my mother do my hair for formal events. I was back in the main area of the plane before my parents were, but I didn't wait long before they joined me. "Mom, will you do my hair please?"

    "Certainly, what would you like me to do?" She asked me while placing the last of her bobby pins into her updo.

    "French twist?" I asked handing her a brush.

    She got my hair up and pinned it down then finished off the look with some hairspray to contain my few fly-aways.

    It wasn't more than another fifteen minutes and we were landing. "What city are we landing in?" I asked.

    My parents looked at each other, but my dad spoke. "We usually just get on and off the plane, the cities and locations are kept secret. When we get out of the car there's going to be some men with blindfolds, just put it on and let them guide you to the car."

    "Ooookay," I said confused. "Is this like a cult meeting or something? Because this is definitely NOT how business dinners go."

    I looked at my dad and when he didn't respond I looked at my mom, but I didn't get a response from either one of them. "I'm scared, I don't want to do this anymore. I want to stay on the plane."

    "You wanted to do this, so now you're going to do this Alex," my dad's voice was very matter of fact.

    I nodded and sat quietly. The door to the plane opened up and we walked out together where two men handed out blindfolds to me, mom and dad. I put it on without question and helo my mother's hand who was led by one of the men. "Watch your step into the car Miss," one of the guards said softly as he gently guided me in after my mother.

    We drove for what seemed like forever blindfolded. I held my mother's hand. I felt her lean over, "don't be nervous darling. Nothing bad is going to happen to you."

    The car stopped and I felt someone grabbing onto my blindfold but I let them pull it off, it was my dad I saw holding all three. "Get out Alex and follow me," he told me.

    I opened the door and stepped out waiting by the door for my parents to exit the vehicle as well. My dad walked nonchalantly to the building nearest to us and mom and I followed. We entered and my parents were warmly greeted by both men and women, all dressed nicely, just like we were.

    My dad introduced me to a few people, all of their names I forgot. Everyone was older than me and there wasn't anyone there around my age, so I was very quickly bored with the people my parents were talking to. They didn't talk about my dad's new research project or how the new hospital had just been put up in a suburb of Chicago. There were no charts of progress or anything. I started to question if this was a business dinner again.

    They announced dinner was about to be served and we all sat around a giant rectangular table, it fit everyone. Mind you, there were at least fifty people or more present. We sat down and had a wonderful dinner, surf and turf, my favorite. My steak was pan seared to perfection and the shrimp and lobster were succulent and juicy. I had a baked potato and my dad even lets me have a glass of wine with my mother. I couldn't believe I was so nervous, I was just being foolish I suppose. The waiters came around and removed our plates. A gentleman at the head of the table lifted his glass and gently hit it with his knife.

    "I'd like to make a toast to all of you wonderful people and all the wonderful things you do for this country, from the head of the medical communities, who provide excellent medicine and care to the people of this country. To the fine men and women of police enforcement, who protect us in our times of need. But most of all to the people who found us this month's venue. It's quite roomy if I do say so myself!" He said cheerily and clinked glasses with the person to his left who clanked his glass next to the woman next to him and it went all the way around the table back to him.

    "Is everyone ready for tonight's entertainment?" He asked raising his glass.

    Simultaneously everyone lifted their glasses and cheered. From the corner of the room emerged four men carrying a long, narrow box on their shoulders. "Mom, what's in there?" I asked tapping on her shoulder.

    "You'll see," she said in a callous voice.

    The man at the end of the table closest to the men got up from his seat and moved, the men climbed onto the table and gently set down the box. I could see a lock on the side that faced us. The man who made the toast tossed one of the men a set of keys and he unlocked the box and opened it. He kneeled down and into the box and picked up a girl from inside. She was naked, bound, and blindfolded. She wasn't moving though. Was she asleep? Was she dead? I couldn't tell.

    I nudged my mom. "What's going on?"

    She shushed me. The guy closed the top of the box and set the girl down on top. I watched in anticipation, I was starting to sweat and my stomach turned sour. I took a sip of wine to try to calm my nerves. That seemed to do it. I watched carefully as the men who carried the box walked off the table and out of the room.

    The toast guy stood and got on the table himself. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a sheath of some sort and unrolled it next to the girl. He looked around the table, and his eyes locked onto mine. "Would you like to do the honors, young lady?"

    I looked at my mother but she didn't say a word to me. "Wh-what is the honors?" I asked trying to keep my voice calm.

    "Well, you get to make the first cut of course!" He said cheerily and laughing. The whole room erupted into laughter after. He reached down and grabbed my hand and pulled me up onto the table. He guided me over and I saw the sheath was a butcher's kit. It had every knife one would need to completely skin, gut and quarter an animal.

    I stood there, completely frozen. "First-time nerves darling? That's okay, go sit back down."

    I looked around the room as people silently judged me sipping on their drinks. A gentleman stood up and said, "my wife would like to make the first cut!"

    It felt like my chair was a million miles away from where I stood and I couldn't move, my legs wouldn't move. My dad got up onto the table and walked me back and sat me down.

    The guy's wife got up on the table and carefully selected her knife, she chose a long, slim knife. It was a fillet knife, I recognized it from when we get fresh fish and dad fillets them at home. She glided the knife along the girl's upper arm, who was still not moving, but as soon as the lady got to her elbow she pushed harder and the knife sliced through her skin like butter. The girl jolted awake and screamed in pain, she looked around confused and tried to get up but her ankles were bound together. "Oh that was exhilarating!" said the lady who cut into the girl's arm.

    She went in for another cut and this time got the girl's upper arm. Men from all around the table sprang into action and held down the poor girl as she screamed in pain again. I looked at my parents, mortified. They were supposed to help people, not torture them.

    I heard a gurgling, choking sound and some guy was holding the girl down by her neck. He was saying something to her but I was too mortified with my parents to listen. I got up from the table and found the ladies room. I opened the stall and vomited into the toilet. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I heard the door open and my mother enter. "Alex?"

    "GO AWAY!" I shouted. "You're supposed to HELP people Mom!" I screamed. I threw up again.

    "Alex, get yourself together and get back to the table." She said sternly.

    I wiped my mouth and just stared at her. "No."

    "Get out there, now." She said not changing her tone of voice.

    "Or what? You'll let them do that to me?!" I screamed at her.

    "Do not embarrass your father and I, get out there. You have 5 minutes to get your act together." With that, she left.

    I could hear the girl screaming in agony, but I was terrified of what would happen if I didn't go back out there. Would my parents let them do that to me?

    I exited the bathroom and put my bravest face I could muster on. I sat next to my mother and watched in horror as more people got up and mutilated this poor girl's body. There were so many cuts on her body now. Her whole body was red with blood. Soon she screamed and jerked violently and someone held up a chunk of meat. She rolled off the box and one of her calves were missing. That sicko just filleted her calf muscle off.

    I could feel my stomach turning again, but I didn't want to vomit. Not out here in front of everyone my parents knew. I swallowed it. Everyone, including my parents, had gone up and cut or mutilated the girl in some way. I just wanted to go up and cut her throat so it could be over for her.

    Before I knew it, that's exactly what I had done. One second I was sitting in my chair, the next thing I knew I was standing over her with a knife in my hand and her throat was cut open. "Thank you," she mouthed to me as the last of her life had left her body.

    I dropped the knife and her blood pooled by my feet. I dropped to my knees and cried, I didn't care what anyone thought. An alarm went off in the building and I felt warm water washing away all the blood. Everyone cheered and clapped and was elated. I leaned my head back and soaked up the water, feeling it cleanse away all the bad I had just witnessed. I wiped the water away from my eyes and opened them, only to realize it wasn't water raining down on was blood. We were being showered with blood.

    I got up as fast as I could and made a break for the door to outside, but I was stopped by one of the men who carried in the girl. He tried to grab me but I bolted in the other direction, I slipped on the floor and fell. I hit my head and I blacked out.

    When I woke, I was at home in bed. "Oh God, it was just a bad dream," I thought to myself. I looked around my room and saw my dress hanging, freshly dry cleaned. That was odd. I don't remember taking it out before bed last night. I swung out of bed and when I went to stand, I immediately fell. I hit the floor and screamed in pain. My mother rushed into my room and helped me back into bed.

    "Honey, you sprained your ankle last night. Relax. What do you need?"

    I wrapped my arms around her and cried, "Mom I had the worst dream ever."

    She hugged me tightly and patted my head. "What about darling?"

    "I had a dream that you and dad took me to a dinner and they cut up this poor girl and you and dad were involved and it was terrible." I sobbed into my mother's shoulder.

    She let me calm down and rubbed my forehead. "Just relax my darling, we would never."

    I knew my parents could never, my parents were good people. They didn't torture people. My parents were medical professionals and they took a vow to help and cure people.

    I finally relaxed back onto my pillow and turned on my tv. I was flipping through the channels when I saw a familiar face on the news channel. I stopped and saw the girl from last night was found on the side of US-2 in the middle of Minnesota and she was the fifth girl to turn up terribly mutilated.

      Loading editor
    • Ouitalkcreepy,

      I am so glad to see you here! Welcome to the Writer's Workshop.

      Please read some other threads in this forum. See how we all take each other's stories apart. It's not a personal attack. We truly want to help each other.

      This story can be improved and made into good creepypasta. Coming here is a really good first step.

      Grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc. issues can be identified by free online tools. I recommend starting with that. As you explore those tools and look at your story one phrase at a time.

      Please read this BLOG entry on use of tools:

      Basic Spell and Grammar Checking

      The next thing I advise you to do is read the story out loud to yourself several times. If you stumble on a sentence when you read it, there's something wrong that needs fixing.

      I always tell people to edit mercilessly. If it doesn't drive the story forward then take it out. I generally cut out 1/3 to 1/4 of the story in editing. In particular, I have noticed that the worst sentences gramatically are usually the ones that also are the most expendable.

      Good luck,

      Dr. Bob

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    • ooo that's an interesting one. 

      Definitely do what Bob says, your grammar is off in places. Your tensing is particularly affected by this; a lot of times sentences that are meant to be in past tense are in a present one etc. Among other issues. You could use Grammarly to help you with that. Don't rely on the web correctors too much however, since it will inhibit your ability to improve naturally. 

      Anywho, as for the story itself. It's pretty good, other than few minor issues like you can't find a single cure for Cancer because cancer is many many many separate disease that all have tumors as their common denominator. The causes and effects, along with treatment and chances of recovery/mortality rates are different. You can find a way to reduce the genetic factors that increase one's risk to suffer from a cancer (two thirds of all known cancers are results of bad gene replication). 

      You've focused on the mundane build up a little too much, reduce the unimportant stuff at the beginning and keep the juicy bits around. I don't really care for all the details of this family's dynamic and how good of a student is Alexandra. 

      Also, performing at the MSG is a HUGE deal, if you mention that, don't make it sound like a random thing. Even for very large entertainment companies/distributers its a very big venue to book. 

      Another thing that came of as kind of out of place for me is why don't they eat the girl? it feels like you were building up to this ritualistic cannibalistic dinner but then just dropped the idea to be less predictable? sometimes the obvious is the better option. And where does the blood come from? Whom does it belong to that is?

      Hope to see you revise this story, it should be a very good addition to the site once it's done.

        Loading editor
    • I know there's no cure for cancer, but let's just pretend. Her parents are ridiculously rich because they've found the cure.

      As far as her playing at MSG, that's a normal thing for her. She's done it befire, it bores her. That's why its dropped in as almost an after-thought. I suppose i could a little more emphasis on it.

      They aren't cannibals. Not all people who cut up people eat them, have you ever seen the movie Hostel & Hostel 2? Those people just pay to mutilate people for fun & then someone else disposes of the body for them. Its elite people too, they're stupid rich. That's kinda what I was going for.

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    • Also, I really like kind of 'mundane' facts. I think the reader should feel betrayed by her parents like she does when she finds out what these 'dinners' are all about.

      How would you feel if you found out your parents were murdering people?

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    • BloodySpghetti is spot on. A lot of this story is unnecessary filler that is so long that you are likely to lose any interest your readers had, and what is supposed to be the scary scene is just pointless violence.

      As for the cure for cancer part, I think Creepypastas should have a touch of reality. Creepypasta originated with the urban legend theme which, while often fantastic, they were grounded in reality and tried to stay as realistic as possible which added to their creep factor.

      Now on to the whole MSG problem. Even for a badly stereotypical rich kid who performs there a lot, it still would be a big deal. Enough said.

      "Its elite people too, they're stupid rich. That's kinda what I was going for." So you were going for rich-people-are-stupid-and-evil? Jeez no wonder rich people look down on the poor.

      "I really like kind of 'mundane' facts. I think the reader should feel betrayed by her parents like she does when she finds out what these 'dinners' are all about." Like I said you are gambling your readers' interest. When they see miles and miles of pointlessness, they are likely to hit the back button on their browser and look for something that gets to the point. Even worse is that if they do hold on until the end they are going to be dissapointed that what is supposed to be the scary scene is just pointless violence that goes nowhere.

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    • Ouitalkcreepy,

      If you would be so kind, let's play a bit of imagination here.

      What if the protagonist's parents were filthy rich from computer software? Like Bill Gates. Or e-commerce like Jeff Bezos of Amazon? Not much. They're still multi-billionaires. Those are much more believable ways of having enough money to be able to kill people for fun. By switching sources of wealth, a peripheral background detail, you avoid the reader questioning a technical reality.

      Likewise, what does the protagonist being THAT talented add to the story? It distracts from the story. We are stuck thinking that this is an ultra-perfect Mary Sue fantasy and really don't care what she feels. We would empathize more with someone as human and imperfect as we are.

      Think about it.

      Dr. Bob

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    • DrBobSmith wrote:

      If you would be so kind, let's play a bit of imagination here.

      What if the protagonist's parents were filthy rich from computer software? Like Bill Gates. Or e-commerce like Jeff Bezos of Amazon? Not much. They're still multi-billionaires. Those are much more believable ways of having enough money to be able to kill people for fun. By switching sources of wealth, a peripheral background detail, you avoid the reader questioning a technical reality.

      Likewise, what does the protagonist being THAT talented add to the story? It distracts from the story. We are stuck thinking that this is an ultra-perfect Mary Sue fantasy and really don't care what she feels. We would empathize more with someone as human and imperfect as we are.

      Think about it.

      Dr. Bob

      As I was reading this I just thought of something. If her parents discovered a cure for cancer and are philantrophistic, then why are they involved in killing people? I'm assuming it is just a way to surprise the readers.

      Also, is it really necessary for us to know why the parents are rich at all?

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    • Ned Wolfkin,

      Look at that man.


      Mortimer Sackler pictured with his wife Dame Theresa at Chelsea Physic Garden in 2004

      He is the face of evil. His products have killed more Americans than live in Berkeley, CA. His name is Mortimer Sackler. The Sackler family owns Purdue Pharma, who were the name brand behind OxyContin. Since 1999, two hundred thousand Americans have died from overdoses related to OxyContin and other prescription opioids.

      Yes, I can believe someone in the medical industry being as big a bastard as Dr. Josef Mengele was.

      Dr. Bob

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    • Again, you can't cure a bunch of diseases with the same cure. It's not how medicine works, and before anyone jumps with "but THC and Cannabis" yeah that does not entirely fix anything really. It's a somewhat safe neuroactive compound. It's not an actual miracle cure. As I've said before two thirds of all known cancers are caused by mistakes in the genetic code during the process of cellular division. You could perhaps include a treatment for these genetic mistakes or something. 

      You could come up with some medicine for AD or other neurodegenerative diseases that have a prion misfolding common to them. 

      You could have your parents characters to be like a couple of Elon Musk like people, the man is the modern day Tesla, he is crazy (in a good sense), but he is definitely crazy. You could have them super inventive or something, be it for medicine or not. 

      The hostel thing, uhhh, sadistic people are sadistic through and through and even though the Gold State Killer was a cop, I don't think he did anything out of the need to help people but rather out of his ability to control and exert power over others. So, this needs work.

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    • Ouitalkcreepy,

      I see a definite improvement. The protagonist has gone from unbelievable to high end believable.

      When you list a technology that we don't have and we aren't close to having, you implicitly say that the story is in the future. As Bloody Spaghetti said, we are very far from a single unified cure for cancer, decades at least. Then this story takes place a couple of decades after that. Add it up, and we are at close to the end of this century, in the realm of futuristic science fiction. At that point, anything is possible. They may be holding these little meetings in a private space station or on the moon. They may be legal - on that moon colony. Are you trying to write such a piece? If so, you need to paint that world clearly.

      If you want to put the story in this decade, you need to change the detail of how the protagonist's parents made their fortune.

      Dr. Bob

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    • As much as I like this story, everyone has picked it apart so much I might just delete it all together. I have other ones to post but I'd much rather have them done in private than have multiple people giving ideas. I work best that way.

        Loading editor
    • Ouitalkcreepy,

      Try picking one person for feedback and requesting that the one person gives feedback and nobody else does. I would be willing to shut up and stay clear.

      Dr. Bob

        Loading editor
    • Since you were the one who answered most honestly and the person who I took it the hardest from I was going to ask you if you could privately message me so we could work on it together

        Loading editor
    • OK, That works. I will send you a private message.

      Dr. Bob

        Loading editor
    • A FANDOM user
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