You Would say that having luck is a wonderful thing,Right? But have you ever thought about if you got too much luck?I bet you haven't have you,Well Its nice if you haven't,Because ill tell you the consequences of when you have too much luck.

    You walk down a normal road,With normal people,Weird people,And the cool kids.You wish that you had that luck didn't you.In fact,You would do anything for that magical life.You walk home,Do your stupid homework,and get on your phone.

    Its been 5 hours,And You notice that nobody is online,You look out the window and nobody is outside either.You call out to your parents,No reply.You scream to your parents again,Still no reply.You got a text message from a unkown number.For somewhat reason you answered.

    Unkown:Hiya! Remeber me!

    You:No,Who are you?

    Unkown:Im you friend online,Do you want to be friends?


    Unkown:So,Hows life?

    You:Its terrible,I never was able to be claimed."Cool Kid" I was just claimed a kid,I want luck.

    Unkown:I can,Help you with that,But it will cost you.

    You:How much? 10 dollars,50 dollars? 6 dollars?

    Unkown:You'll find sooner or later,I just need some DNA of you.

    You:Im not coming to your house to find you.

    Unkown:Just drop a piece of hair on your phone.

    You look at the comment for a long time,Before cutting a bit of your hair and places it on the phone.

    You:So,What now?

    Unkown:Just stand still.

    Your phone crashes,And you shivered,Looking around for any signs of your cool.You stop moving,You feel something entering your body,But you can't react to it.This thing thats entering your body is called the mimic.It wasn't long until you lost full control into your body,And you are in a blank screen.You can see your body smile at your phone,Before it cracked it in half.

    The Mimic is a soul that takes the bodies of kids online.When your in the phone it has the choice to spare your soul or destory it.Sadly,Your soul died.I hope you all learned a lesson today.Be grateful for what you have,And Don't trust strangers online.You don't know if you can be the next vicitim of The Mimic.

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    • What's up with all the commas?

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    • Spelling and grammar issues: First off, the formatting is very off, most of the paragraphs are seperated by three or four spaces. On top of that this story is filled with unnecessary capitalizations and missing spaces between commas, periods, and colons. There are a ton of apostrophes missing, words such as "I'm" and "I'll" (which you also forgot to capitalized) for example. You often confuse "you're" with "your", remember "your" = possessive, "you're" = you are . "For somewhat reason you answered" "somewhat" means "kind of", therefore "For kind of reason you answered" does not make sense. The story also suffers from awkward wording, using wrong words, and grammatic train wrecks ("Looking around for any signs of your cool.")

      Plot issues: The story feels more like a fable about not responding to texts from strangers than an actual Creepypasta, especially because of the line "I hope you all learned a lesson today.Be grateful for what you have,And Don't trust strangers online". The story is pretty lacking in creepy content, with the exchange taking up most of it. The only part that can be considered creepy is the part where the character's soul is replaced, but even that falls flat. "The Mimic is a soul that takes the bodies of kids online" I could make a joke about people trying to do that in real life, only to succeed in meeting Chris Hansen, but instead I'm going to take the high road and use this as an opportunity to give you advice. To an adult reader this makes the story even less scary. The fact that this story is told in the second person ("you") and supposed to be about a school child alienates older readers and cuts your audience in half.

      With this advice in mind, I wish you good luck on your next story.

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    • Therandomloser,

      NedWolfkin's list of issues is correct. In addition, this would need to be rewritten in story format. Right now, the dialogue is more in script format.

      BBC creative writing course

      You did bring it to the right spot though.

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    • DrBobSmith wrote:
      Right now, the dialogue is more in script format.

      D'oh, I forgot to mention that. I also forgot to mention this little blunder "Im you friend online."

      I would also like to point out the random tense swaps.

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    • Therandomloser,

      The page below explains tense in a story.

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    • So aside from the bad English, the story is bad as well. The whole thing just reads like an instruction manual for a monster. It's like an SCP without creativity. 

      I'd add less weirdness to the kids life, making him a typical teenager in a story who gets bullied, has somewhat distant parents etc. 

      Create more dialogue and discussion between the monster and the kid; have him play a video game or something and meet this "person" who's the monster. Have them become friends over a period of time. Then make the kid confess is misery to the monster only for to tell the kid it can help him.

      From there on, go for something like the monster telling the kid to listen to a recording of it's voice really closely. (by putting the phone to his ear) or to look closely at the screen, maybe put it under his pillow when he goes to sleep... something with a very close physical contanct.

      That's when you have the monster take over the kids body in a painful process before it tells the kid's prone new/broken form that it had taken over his life.

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    • A FANDOM user
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