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  • “Henry was a nice man” Denver said as he stood at the crime scene.

    “He worked at the pet store” he sighed as he held his umbrella while the rain poured down.

    Janet nodded at him and covered the man’s face.

    “You can look around the crime scene, but we didn’t see anything important.

    He slowly walked around and looked for anything out of the ordinary, but nothing stood out. Just before leaving he noticed on the wooden dresser there were scratch marks.

    “Janet” he yelled eyes still fixed on the scratch marks. He looked to his right as he saw her quickly walk his way.

    “Right here” he said as he pointed to the scratch marks “this could show sign of struggle have this tested”. She nodded and put a number 3 sign on the floor by the dresser.

    He pulled out his umbrella and walked in the pouring rain to his car. Someone had set a hand on his shoulder. It was old and rough hand so he already knew who it was.

    “Chief” he exclaimed in surprised.

    “What are you doing here you old dog” he said cracking a small smile even though he was exhausted.

    “Came to see if he was really dead” Chief said making a quick glance behind him.

    “Let’s get out of this rain” Chief said tiredly in his old Italian accent of his.

    They both made their way to Denver’s car and sat in it.

    “Nice car you got here, good taste” Chief nodded as he looked around it. The car was a 2000 Toyota MR2 Spyder custom painted a beautiful Sky Blue and with the License plate saying Detect on the back. Truly the car was a work of art. Children would see him in it and think he was a television star. Not to mention it worked nice with the females.

    “We were good friends” Chief said looking out of the window.

    He turned and faced Denver “take the next two days off” he said.

    Denver opened his mouth to speak but chief spoke first. “Don’t bother arguing back”.

    Denver nodded chief was like a grandfather to him. Chief stepped out of the car and walked back to the crime scene.

    After the long drive home he stepped out his car and approached his door. Unlocking the door to enter a sound was heard. It sounded very much like bird chirp.

    “Poor little thing”, he thought to himself then hearing the chirp louder than the last time. He decided to look in the bushes nearby and sure enough there was a little black bird. It looked hurt and he couldn’t just leave it there.

    He already had one bird and that should be enough, but what’s one more living being in the house. He gently held the bird in his hands and made his way into the house. Tomorrow he would nurture the poor thing back to health.

    He made a small cardboard box and set the little bird inside of it. He looked at Parrot “looks like you have some company tonight Buddy”. Flipping the switch he turned off the lights to wake up to another day.

    He awakened the next morning and made a small breakfast, when finishing he walked over the little bird box from last night.

    “That’s strange” he said in confusion as he looked at the little bird.

    “You look perfectly well now” he said then holding the little bird in his hand.

    He stood there gentle petting it with his thumb thinking to himself silently while looking at the bird.

    “What do you think Buddy, should we keep him” he asked his parrot looking over at the cage it was in. To his surprise he saw the parrot he loved, his only pet he’s ever had……dead.

    Gently setting down the little bird in his hands he walked to the cage and looked at his parrot.

    “I guess it’s true what they say, all good things must come to an end” he said as he picked up the cage and brought it to his backyard digging a little hole and burying the poor thing. Bringing the cage back in he put it back to hang on the hook.

    “Looks like you have a new home” Denver said as he walked over to the cardboard box.

    Sure enough the little bird was there, “I wonder what kind of bird you are” he mumbled and brought the bird to the cage, but it wouldn’t go in.

    “What seems to be the problem” he asked looking at the bird facing the way of the cardboard box he had made the night before. It flew off his finger and landed in the box.

    He shrugged and went to go sit in front of the television. It was raining now and he was off from work for the day. He could still be called at any time by him being a detective.

    “Chief said to take the next two days off” he said to himself. Hours passed of him watching a shark week marathon until he fell asleep. Only to be awakened by rustling in the kitchen. He snapped awake and quickly reached for his gun. Quietly hopping to his feet he went around the corner to the kitchen there was the refrigerator door open and surely someone going through it.

    “Drop the food and put your hands up” he called out to the stranger gun pointed the way of the refrigerator.

    “So you’re up” the voice said calmly then closing the refrigerator door. There in front of his eyes stood a tall slender shadow like being wearing a white mask.

    Denver was frozen in fear he’s taken down countless criminals but this wasn’t even human. He just stared at it gun still in hand staring at the thing in front of him.

    “My names Fousifer” it took the gun from Denver hand with two of his long fingers and tossed it to the side.

    “What in god’s name” he was cut off from the thing now standing closer to him.

    “I am a being that no one ever sees” it walked to his front room as he spoke.

    “I’ve seen many things” he waved his hand in front of his face as he said it.

    It sat on Denver’s sofa and crossed one of its long dark legs on top of the other. Denver looked at the thing sitting on his server uninvited into his house.

    “I don’t know what you are but you better leave or there is going to be problem buddy” Denver spoke out to the dark figure sitting on his sofa.

    “Did you not bring me into your house” he emphasize pointing at Denver with his long black finger.

    He looked at it lost in thought he would have remembered if he invited a tall demon like being in his house, unless. He looked over at the cardboard box for the little bird, the bird was gone.

    “Congratulations you figured it out Den” Fousifer said sarcastically clapping his hands, bravo.

    Fousifer stood up and walked with long strides toward Denver, looking down at him he spoke.

    “Time for you to come with me” he said in a smooth tone.

    Denver could help but let his guard down when the thing spoke it didn’t seem like it ment harm. However it did look like a demon so he made sure to show it whose boss.

    “I’m not going anywhere with you buddy” I’ll die before I do”.

    “On the contrary my friend, that is why I’m taking” Fousifer said.

    “I’m honestly done playing games with you Denver” Fousifer grabbed Denver’s shoulder and gripped his finger nails on Denver cutting his shoulder some.

    “Your acting has gotten much better my friend” he said as a black portal like hole appeared in front of him. Denver could only see darkness in the hole and nothing else.

    “No more escaping my friend” Fousifer through him in the hole as he said this and Denver went into what seemed like an eternal fall.

    Some people say when they die a white light appears or their life flashes before their eyes. Denver experience was different it has seemed as if he relived his most important moments in his life. Then every time he would die in different way, he had died at least 6 times already.

    He awakened in his chair in front of the television in a cold sweat and heart racing. His shoulder burned so he rubbed it with his hand some knowing it wouldn’t do anything. What just happened? Was it just a bad dream? He stood and walked to the box with the bird in it, but it wasn’t there.

    He turned his head there was a scream. He picked his gun off the floor and made his way to his window and peeked through the curtains. But there was himself on his own floor with Janet staring at his body.

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    • Don't grammer police me just yet still not yet in final faze but I started writing this and it almost turned into a novel but then back to a short story originaly the bird has going to be a demon and kill him sort of thing them the demon was going to be something eles but I didn't go through with it. This is the final thing not grammer wise but story wise. I have a problem with sometimes chaging the plot multiple times in the middle of my story.

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    • Certain plot points seem to happen without adequate explanation. Moreover, the ending seems like it should lead to more, but doesn't. I also can't help but notice the similarities to Murdered: Soul Suspect, al least in base concept. Still, if polished correctly, this can turn out well. I'd say that you need to give a reason for the demon to be there in the first place, or some explanation of why it's there. There should also be a greater reason for the demon to target Denver, unless it just attacks indescriminately which is something I advise against.

      Motivation is everything. The characters need to have reasons behind what they do. I did appreciate that Denver at least already keeps birds, explaining why he brought the wounded bird to his home at all. However, a lot of other things, like the chief giving him time off work for example, seem unmotivated. The demon's motivations seem nonexistent as well, and he makes it seem like he has a prior relationship when they clearly don't. Perhaps expand on that. Maybe Denver is familiar with the demon, or maybe this really is their first meeting. Either way, both characters need to act accordingly.

      As I said, I think this has potential. I do want to know what was up with the ending, as it didn't make a lot of sense to me. This may be something that needs smoothed out or expanded upon. Hopefully you find this all helpful.

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    • TheWizardOfTheWoods wrote:
      Certain plot points seem to happen without adequate explanation. Moreover, the ending seems like it should lead to more, but doesn't. I also can't help but notice the similarities to Murdered: Soul Suspect, al least in base concept. Still, if polished correctly, this can turn out well. I'd say that you need to give a reason for the demon to be there in the first place, or some explanation of why it's there. There should also be a greater reason for the demon to target Denver, unless it just attacks indescriminately which is something I advise against.

      Motivation is everything. The characters need to have reasons behind what they do. I did appreciate that Denver at least already keeps birds, explaining why he brought the wounded bird to his home at all. However, a lot of other things, like the chief giving him time off work for example, seem unmotivated. The demon's motivations seem nonexistent as well, and he makes it seem like he has a prior relationship when they clearly don't. Perhaps expand on that. Maybe Denver is familiar with the demon, or maybe this really is their first meeting. Either way, both characters need to act accordingly.

      As I said, I think this has potential. I do want to know what was up with the ending, as it didn't make a lot of sense to me. This may be something that needs smoothed out or expanded upon. Hopefully you find this all helpful.

      You actually helped me alot I will be clearing that up a bit. The ending is a hint to the beinging if you read the end then read the beggining again you'll see what i mean but I'll clean this up deffinally thanks for the help.

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    • This feels like a lot of standalone sentences crammed in together, it doesn't feel like much of a story for the most part. 

      Might be because it's so disorganized, the plot feels really jumpy and all over the place. Things move to fast and the characters don't feel like people at all, it's like this weird anime I've seen once where the hero is called "Hero" and another character is named "King" (even though it's supposed to be a queen). You need to make your characters more relatable and humans, I mean, your narrator is called Denver, Denver what or maybe What Denver? "Denver" isn't exactly a real name. Not to mention how "Chief" isn't a name at all, it's a title. 

      Give your characters actual character, why would a man take the death of his beloved pet so easily? 

      Why does the demon do what he does, why does the plot even occur? What's the point of everything? 

      The ending is really confusing, does he see an alternate self of his dead? Is he really dead, is he in some other dimension, what's going on there?

      Make sure the characters seem real, the plot makes a certain progression and that there is a sort of sense to things. 

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    • BloodySpghetti wrote:
      This feels like a lot of standalone sentences crammed in together, it doesn't feel like much of a story for the most part. 

      Might be because it's so disorganized, the plot feels really jumpy and all over the place. Things move to fast and the characters don't feel like people at all, it's like this weird anime I've seen once where the hero is called "Hero" and another character is named "King" (even though it's supposed to be a queen). You need to make your characters more relatable and humans, I mean, your narrator is called Denver, Denver what or maybe What Denver? "Denver" isn't exactly a real name. Not to mention how "Chief" isn't a name at all, it's a title. 

      Give your characters actual character, why would a man take the death of his beloved pet so easily? 

      Why does the demon do what he does, why does the plot even occur? What's the point of everything? 

      The ending is really confusing, does he see an alternate self of his dead? Is he really dead, is he in some other dimension, what's going on there?

      Make sure the characters seem real, the plot makes a certain progression and that there is a sort of sense to things. 

      Thank you also. he didn't take the life of his pet it happned to die it's time was up. I finnaly realized what the orignal thing I was going to do so I'll post that when ever I finish it. Denver is the last of him in all of the different diamentions. I posted this for help to remember what I was going to do I lost my way when writing it.

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    • Simon Slaughters wrote:
      BloodySpghetti wrote:
      This feels like a lot of standalone sentences crammed in together, it doesn't feel like much of a story for the most part. 

      Might be because it's so disorganized, the plot feels really jumpy and all over the place. Things move to fast and the characters don't feel like people at all, it's like this weird anime I've seen once where the hero is called "Hero" and another character is named "King" (even though it's supposed to be a queen). You need to make your characters more relatable and humans, I mean, your narrator is called Denver, Denver what or maybe What Denver? "Denver" isn't exactly a real name. Not to mention how "Chief" isn't a name at all, it's a title. 

      Give your characters actual character, why would a man take the death of his beloved pet so easily? 

      Why does the demon do what he does, why does the plot even occur? What's the point of everything? 

      The ending is really confusing, does he see an alternate self of his dead? Is he really dead, is he in some other dimension, what's going on there?

      Make sure the characters seem real, the plot makes a certain progression and that there is a sort of sense to things. 

      Thank you also. he didn't take the life of his pet it happned to die it's time was up. I finnaly realized what the orignal thing I was going to do so I'll post that when ever I finish it. Denver is the last of him in all of the different diamentions. I posted this for help to remember what I was going to do I lost my way when writing it.

      I was talking about how he reacted so lightly to the death of the pet

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    • My suggestion is to run it through a spell checker before adding it. That way reviews can be more focused on the plot and whatever spelling issues the spellchecker missed, and so you can be given accurate feedback.

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    • I know you mentioned how you hadn't fixed the grammar yet, but reading this is like trying to do simultaneous equations on a hangover. It's very incoherent, and you should really try to put it through a grammar-checking device ASAP (try doing this for any story you post on the workshop).

      As for the plot, it doesn't make a lot of sense. The ending is clichéd: "it was all a dream, except it wasn't" is overused and shouldn't be utilised in a story unless it's done very well, which it isn't in this instance. The beginning sequence has little to no relation to the rest of the story, especially the ending. Also, the story moves very quickly, and if you're trying to make it creepy, I would advise putting in more detail.

      There's a lot more to criticize, but I'm going to keep it brief. Basically, this just needs a lot more polish.

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    • Just a Guy That Likes Creepypastas wrote:
      I know you mentioned how you hadn't fixed the grammar yet, but reading this is like trying to do simultaneous equations on a hangover. It's very incoherent, and you should really try to put it through a grammar-checking device ASAP (try doing this for any story you post on the workshop).

      As for the plot, it doesn't make a lot of sense. The ending is clichéd: "it was all a dream, except it wasn't" is overused and shouldn't be utilised in a story unless it's done very well, which it isn't in this instance. The beginning sequence has little to no relation to the rest of the story, especially the ending. Also, the story moves very quickly, and if you're trying to make it creepy, I would advise putting in more detail.

      There's a lot more to criticize, but I'm going to keep it brief. Basically, this just needs a lot more polish.

      My dear friend you assumed it was a dream but it is not he's simple stuck in another realm. The grammer I know the grammer isn't good at all but I did not ask for grammer correction. The beggining has very much to do with the story it's just that I lost my way writing this and needed some help. Do not assume the most simplest thing when I write and post something on here because 90% of the time there is more under the surface ;) thank you helper. 

      "We are all dead and the dead are the living, prove me wrong" - Simon Slaughters

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    • A FANDOM user
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