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  • Well I think Scribens and Grammarly will never tellme its okay same if I corrected my mistake because they told me different things and its difficult same if I traduct in my own language heres my story hope someone will try to help or say its a bit good.

    My name is Sebastian my story is not out of the ordinary, you see I was the kind of guy who was really shy and I never have a lot of friends since some people bully me. I was more like the reject of the group nobody wanted to be around me and one day I meet this girl Natasha she was the only one who came to talk with me "Hi" she says "Hi" I replied back I was feeling my heart beat fast.


    Natasha look at me with a beautiful smile and tell me "I organize a party for the fourth of July and I want you to be there as my date?" , I Can't believe that she invited me I was overjoy and replied "Of course, I will be there" and she left as I walked home I was really happy that she invite me still in my gaze I forgot that I should call my mother about the fundraiser.


    When my mother came home, she scolded me about it "I am sorry mom I was somewhere else". My mother look at me and says "You should be sorry, that was important and you forgot it because you still dreaming", "Aww come on he say he was sorry" says my father.


    I talk to my parents about the party of the 4th of July they didn't want me to go, but I insist to go and they accept so I Going to my room to change for bed still excited for the big day. The 4th of July finally arrive I put my casual clothes on with my hat as my parents gave me a ride to Natasha's house I hugged my parents and join the party."Good look who finally show up" Say Natasha as someone says "Ready for the party", I nods because everyone was ready for this party as everyone was drinking dancing and laughing I heard some people talking about me "I can't believe that clown is there" says Tyler as his friends Malcolm and Felix says "Yeah why she invited him".


    "Hey guys" I says walking toward them they then whisper something "I think we will have some fun guys" says Tyler as I approach "Hi"I says to the boys I look at them  and says "What's going on?" Felix then tell me with a smile "Well we were speaking if you're interested to come to the woods with us and Natasha for installed some firecrackers"  "Of course," I replied because people love firecrackers when it explode and watch all the colors in the sky.


    Later Natasha and me, Tyler and his friends are gone into the woods for put the firecracker in there, I was a bit Anxious about it and says "Hey guys, where should we put it to light it up?" that's where Tyler decide to hold one face to me and says "Well were going to use them with you" as he smile, I tried to escape and scream "Nooooo Please?!" as the other grabbed me, I still try to scream and try to kick them but they hold me tight and put the firecrackers around as they run the firecrakers exploded.


    When I woke up and gets up I was feeling that me flesh burnt and that I wasn't the same anymore like the air was cold and can't even feel anything, that's where i see someone on the ground thinking he might need help "Hey are you okay?" I says to the boy as a came to him then I froze realizing that it was me on the ground like I was sleeping and not moving.


    I was shock then I remember everything that the gang did, I was so angry "They will pay" I says with an evil smirk on my face thinking of my revenge. One year later the 4th of July came some footsteps is heard in the dead leafs it was Tyler and his friends, one year I did wait for them to come back as they put some firecrackers I then hide and break a branch, "Did you hear that?" says Felix to his friends, "Its probably some animals" says Tyler the others think that he might be right.


    But then I walk to them "Well Well look who's there" I says with a cold glare and smile, the boys see me and back up "That's not possible you're dead" says Tyler in fear , "Because of you and now youy will pay for this" I says taking a firecracker lighting it with my bare hand , "Wait it was just a joke we didn't meant to do it we are sorry please let us go" says Felix afraid I shook my head and says "Its too late for that now its you're turn to feel the fire of this" I says as the firecrackers is unleashed all I heard was the three boys screaming in pain as they burn

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    • Solonor1987,

      Please read this story: La Bruja. Not only is it an incredibly marvelous story and one of my all time favorites, but there is a lesson in it.

      Scribens will tell you that almost the entire story is composed of run-on sentences. Grammarly reports 31 "Non-Premium" errors. Since you have both, I emphatically suggest that you use them. Start with Grammarly. Correct all those non-Premium errors. It should take only a few minutes to go through Grammarly and see if Grammarly's recommendations are correct or not. Almost always, they will be.

      Then read this blog:

      How to Not Make a Wall of Text

      Read it until you understand the ideas. Then try to correct the run-on sentences. Run it through Grammarly again.

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    • I have to agree with the good doctor. Just reading the first "sentence" there are a number of problems with it. You bypassed any kind of punctuation, which makes it very hard to read. Get that up to par, and I'll give e this story a review for you.

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    • I did corrected  and they all tell me the same thing atleast some tell me where  I should not put much ponctiation. 

      And I don't  were its not too much ponctuation in La Bruja  yes its a good story , but  still a lot of ponctuation.

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    • Let's break down this reply.

      "I did corrected and they all tell me the same thing atleast some tell me where I should not put much ponctiation."

      I did is a complete thought, so it could use a period or comma after it.

      Corrected is just thrown in there, it is out of the blue. What did you correct? Is this part of the I did statement before? If so it wouldn't be corrected, it would be correct it. If you're referencing something that was said in a comment above, maybe make that known to who you're talking to.

      Who is they? Is it the sites that say where the errors are? I doubt that any of those sites are saying that you're using too much ponctiation, whatever that is. Sorry, that was a little mean, but you're arguing with the points that were mentioned to help you, so my patience is a little slim for helping you with this story now.

      "And I don't were its not too much ponctuation in La Bruja yes its a good story , but still a lot of ponctuation."

      What don't you? Again, we don't have any idea what you're talking about and it should have a comma or a period after that. Unless you're missing some words there. There should be a period after La Bruja, that much is for sure. Yes should be capitalized, because it's the start of a new sentence.

      Let me break this down a little more for you so you can read your story as it is written and see where the problems are for yourself. Read it out loud, that way you can hear where the problems are and if you still don't see anything wrong with the way it is written above, I don't know what I can do to help you. So what you want to do is keep reading, don't stop or pause until you come to a period or a comma. A comma is a perfect place to get a breath, and a period is a full stop. Read it like it is written and see if you have any trouble with making sense of what is written.

      If you can read that, and still don't think that there is any trouble with the punctuation, than I don't know how else to explain it to you. Editing and proofreading are some of the most important parts of writing. As someone who used to hate editing and proofreading, I've come to learn how helpful they can be. A simple proofread of this story could save a bunch of time and make it easier to actually get a real review of it.

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    • I know but they do put coma anyway same if I read it, but I do not know how should I get this straight maybe if I knew where unfortunately I lost the point  same if i try to autocorrect it its still not perfect  well I still try hard , but it seem that  if my story don't have coma it will work  people tell me I should get ride of Coma , but I don't want to get rise of it  the story still not perfect without it.

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    • Okay, try this, write it in your native language, then translate it into English. I'm sure that your native tongue has commas and different punctuation, so try that. It will be easier for you to get a grip on how it works that way, and it will be easier for us to help with the problems that are seen.

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    • do not work neither i try its still not worth it 

      I gave up it will never accept  

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    • Aside from the language issue. 

      The plot is really not great; you have a typical cartoonish socially awkward character who gets coexed by the "mean girl playing good" to go somewhere, get pranked badly, in your case to death with fireworks only to come back as a evil thing that kills them because reasons. 

      I mean, maybe give it more time and build; establish a genuine relationship between the narrator and Natasha, maybe with her friends before he gets killed. Then add some Hell sequence or something that explains how he came back and then have him kill the bad kids, preferably creatively. 

      You could also do it from the end to the beginning chronologically speaking; have the narrator in his post mortem form monologue about what happened. To us or to a character he is about to hurt. 

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    • Solonor1987
      Solonor1987 removed this reply because:
      it does
      15:25, November 25, 2019
      This reply has been removed
    • Solonor1987
      Solonor1987 removed this reply because:
      nothing
      15:25, November 25, 2019
      This reply has been removed
    • Well I corrected and made dialogue more understable

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    • A FANDOM user
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