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  • (I assume there might be a few grammatical and wording errors. I apologize. English isn't my native language and I don't think Google Documents is advanced enough to correct things like that. Critique is very much appreciated.)

    It was a regular cloudy day. I was left home alone once again since my parents and my little sister were going to her birthday party. It didn’t appeal to me though since it was a water park and I wasn’t a huge fan of water-related activities. So I was left home alone, with my dog and the door locked. Nothing was out of the ordinary, so I just decided to watch movies and maybe play a video game occasionally.

    I was lying on my bed, scrolling through my phone. Despite it being 2 in the afternoon, I was quite tired, I barely got any sleep the night before anyway, so I figured I’d just settle my phone down and rest. I slowly closed my eyes and it didn’t take long for me to drift off to sleep.

    Dark. It was dark when I woke up. And by dark, I mean pitch black, the large moon is my only source of light. How long was I asleep for? It felt like a quick power nap but that clearly wasn’t the case. I grabbed my phone and checked the time, squinting at the sudden light. I slept for 10 hours straight. Frustrated, I let out a dragged out sigh. How did I let myself sleep for such a long time?

    As I was slowly getting out, I placed my foot down onto the floor and it took me a second to realize something. I didn’t feel anything, as in, it felt like my foot was just hanging on the edge of a building.

    There was no surface.

    My heart sunk as I looked down and realized that not only could I not feel anything, but there was no floor. Squinting and frowning in confusion, I thought about standing up, but then again, there was nothing to stand on. Even if I did try to stand up, I’d fall. Fall forever. The thought terrified me to no end, but I was too focused on my main thought; why was this happening?

    Everything was normal until I took a nap, what did I do that resulted in this? I’m stuck in a void with nothing but my phone that has 40 percent left of power. There wasn’t anything I could do, so I just laid back down in my bed and rolled over, going back to sleep.

    A few minutes passed, I woke up and checked my phone again. I slept for half an hour. Groaning, I rolled over to my side and looked at my open door. My eyes widened. At my door stood a tall figure. It had the head of my dog but the body was lanky and hairless, it had large hands with long unnatural looking fingers. Its neck was really long, about as long as my forearm and it also had a small torso with a large belly and very long but thin legs. Not to mention it had huge eyes with tiny pupils.

    But one thing that stood out was that it had a glowing aura. I could see its features clearly and it wasn’t doing anything. Just staring. But as I blinked it occasionally got closer to me, like something out of a horror movie. After a few blinks, it was about a few inches away from me, staring down at me with its tongue hanging out of its maw, black goo dribbling down its tongue and into the endless abyss. It smelled like burnt hair.

    Despite the blinking making it come closer, it stopped after a while. If I looked away it didn’t care, it just made a low gurgle and it tilted its head, followed by a disgusting cracking sound. I’ve been on my phone for a few hours. I’m hungry but sick at the same time. It's been 2 days and it’s 7 in the morning but it’s still pitched black. Every time I look at the creature it just glows some more, it's my only source of light. I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t understand why this is happening.

    Maybe this was destiny. Maybe this was my only purpose in life, living in a void with a thin and tall creature that has the head of my dog, just the two of us. No more socializing, no more family, nothing. I looked behind him to see if my room changed at all aside from it being pitch black, but then I realized something;

    The door disappeared.

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    • I don't feel an organized story. I feel a bad dream that you transcribed.

      A story must have a logic that stands within the story, and each part much contribute to that logic and the progression of it. I don't feel any such logic or progression.

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    • Yeah, I get that. It's basically what the story is.

      After re-reading it, I don't really feel like it holds up. I think I'll just make a new story altogether.

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    • I feel that it's too ambitious for its length, if you were to make it longer and more detailed with more twists and turns and more plot points, maybe then it could work. 

      As it is now, it's just weird and disorganized. 

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    • This has a few problems.

      The first two paragraphs are basically pointless. The opening has almost no part to play in the rest of the story, and is in danger of making the reader lose the interest. I would either shorten it or disregard it altogether.

      Ok, so waking up and there being no floor. That's a half-decent concept. But the strange dog-headed monster ruins this almost immediately. It's far too cliché, and has virtually no reason for being in the story.

      Also, you don't need to tell us exactly what the thing looks like all in one paragraph. You can expand the description out a little to make it more exciting. That's more of a nit-pick than anything, though.

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    • A FANDOM user
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