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  • Hello. My name is Amanda Doe. I… don’t know how to put this. I was part of a small party a few days ago that ended badly. I’m writing this to explain to everyone what happened.

    Let me start off by saying I didn’t want it to happen. I didn't expect him to... sorry. I keep going off track. Let’s restart.

    It was a gloomier day in the city. The sky was filled with gray clouds. I was walking to the store to grab food for later that night. We were having a couple of friends over for a game night. 

    I walked down the street, heading towards the shopping district. Okay, I need potato chips, nachos, salsa, nacho cheese. This is gonna be one hell of a game night! As I walked I kept thinking about my friends and how nice it was going to be to see them.

    Then I got a call. I grabbed my phone and looked at the caller ID. 'Oakwood High'. I answered.

    "Hello?"

    "Hi Amanda. This is the front office of the school. We just wanted to tell you that you're assistant will be coming in on Monday." the secretary spoke.

    "Alright, Karen. I understand. I'll see you Monday." I hung up the phone and put it back in my pocket. The school's been updating medical facilities and security, what with the missing children. I hope they'll be found soon. I got back to walking.

    But as I walked, some commotion from behind me pulled me out of my thoughts. I turned to see what was going on. A boy, roughly 16 years old, was being chased by what looked to be the owner of some building. The boy looked familiar however.

    As he passed by me, I caught a glimpse of his face. I knew exactly who it was. It was Jason. He looked like he was frightened by all of hell. I instinctively reached out to grab his hand. And I did. But once I had done so, I ran with him, helping him escape from the owner.

    After running for a few blocks, we stopped at the mouth of an alley. I hadn’t run like that in a while. It felt good to run like that. To run for your life.

    “T-thanks, Mrs. Doe.” He spoke.

    “No problem, Jason.” I replied.

    I looked closer at him. He had cuts and bruises on his arms and face. Poor kid.

    “You look pretty beat up.”

    “When you have a life like mine, you tend to get beat up.” he explained. I walked up to him and took a closer look at his wounds. They weren’t too bad, but they’d still need to be taken care of.

    “Who did this to you?” I asked. He looked at me like I was being nosy. He sighed.

    "They're nothing to worry about. Just some kids from a nearby street."

    "We should get you some help. Lemme call the hospital."

    "No! I'm fine with basic medical help, not doctors poking and proding at my cuts. Just get me some gauze and bandages." he explained.

    "At least let me take care of your wounds. I have some knowledge on how to do this."

    “Are you sure?”

    “Yeah. I’m the nurse at your school, so i should know a little bit. Just help get some things from the market and then we can get to my house where I can tend to your wounds.”

    “...Fine.” He sighed. He didn't seem like he was okay with how his life is. If he was, he'd be happier about getting his wounds taken care of, wouldn't he?

    In any case, we got to work. We headed for the market, making sure to keep an eye out for the owner. Jason and I walked for a couple of blocks, until finally we made it to the market. We searched around looking for snacks perfect for a game night.

    Chips, soda, cheese, and salsa. This is gonna be great. We got all of they’re snacks and headed on their way.

    -33 minutes later-


    We took a while, but we made it back to the apartment building I lived at. We walked in and headed for the elevator. The door opened and we stepped inside. I felt my hand against the bag of food. This should be enough, right?

    “You having a party?” he asked.

    “Yeah, were gonna eat some good food, play some fun games. It’s going to be epic.” I chuckled. I looked over at the boy. His eyes were widened. He looked over at me.

    “Well, I hope you’re not playing so you can get money. It’s better just to play for fun.” He sighed.

    “No, we won’t be betting or anything. Just playing for fun.”

    He smiled an honest smile. I guess he doesn’t want me to lose any money. That’s what I thought.

    The elevator door opened and we walked out. I walked up to my door and unlocked and opened it. The two of us walked in and headed for the kitchen.

    “Kyle! I’m home!” I greeted. My husband, Kyle, walked into the kitchen. He looked at the situation he was presented with and knew exactly what to say.

    “So… who’s the kid?”

    “This is Jason. He goes to the school I work at.”

    “Jason… wait. You’re not Jason Armack, are you?”

    “No. I’m aware of who that is, but that is not me.” Jason explained.

    “Damn, that would’ve been cool. Well, anyways. Amanda, our guests will be here soon. Let’s get stuff set up. You’re welcome to join, Jason. Just expect some grown up talk.” Kyle explained.

    “You really think its appropriate to be inviting a minor into your adult party?” Jason questioned.

    "Now that I think about it. You're right. Why did you bring him?" Kyle asked.

    "He's been getting into fights and has a few wounds. I'm gonna take care of him, you get stuff set up."

    “Okay”

    Kyle got to work setting things up for the party. I walked into the hall and opened the closet. Then I grabbed the first aid kit from inside. Then I went into the living room, looking for Jason. I looked around for him, but I couldn’t find him. I searched in the hall leading to my bedroom and saw light coming from the bathroom.

    Stupidly, I opened the door. And what I saw horrified me. A black stick figure creature was popping out of Jason’s back. He turned to see my curious eyes staring back at him. He held his finger up to his mouth and shushed me. I nodded slowly. The creature clawed its way back inside him, and he walked back out of the bathroom. The hell was that thing!? I stood there terrified. What am I supposed to do with that thing? Why is there some type of creature inside of Jason? …Calm down.

    A knock came from the front door. I walked back out to the living room, still shocked by what happened. Kyle opened the door and let in our guests. In came my friend Sasha, Kyle’s friend Greg, and his husband Michael. We all greeted each other.

    Everyone got settled, while I tended to Jason's wounds in the kitchen. He had cuts mostly on his arms, and surprisingly there were no cuts on his back. Where does that thing lurk after it claws its way back into his back?

    "Okay, that's the last of them. You should be good." I spoke.

    "Thanks."

    "Jason, if you don't mind me asking... are you okay? You seem different from how I remember you."

    He sat there for a second. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a cyan cube. He placed it in my hand.

    "When you want to play, put your hand on the top of it and say 'Isaac'." he explained.

    "What are you talking about?"

    But he didn't answer. He just walked to the front door, and out he went. I walked back out to my friends.

    We talked for a couple of minutes, recalling old stories, new stories, and everything in between. Then, they had some good food and began the night of games.

    -1 hour later-

    It was a long build up, but Greg finally won the Monopoly game. It was getting dark so everything was getting better. But I was still on edge. Why did Jason... give me that cube?

    I pulled the cube out to study it. There was nothing on 5 of the faces, but on the 6th there was something written.

    "Whatcha looking at?" Sasha asked.

    "Just a cube. What did he say? Put my hand on the top?" I spoke. I placed my hand on top of the cube. It lit up a green light. Kyle caught sight of this and panicked.  He ran towards me... but it was too late. "Isaac?"

    The cube released a cloud of smoke into the room. Everyone began coughing because of said smoke. After a few minutes of fog filled lungs, the smoke cleared giving sight to a creature standing next to Amanda. It was completely black, except for its eyes which were gold and magenta.

    “Welcome to the most exciting game night ever!” the creature spoke.

    “Everyone stay away from it! It's a monster.” Kyle spoke.

    “Isaac’s rules. Freeze tag. You run, they tag.” the creature explained. The monster clawed its way out of both of its back. Then it began the chase. 

    Everyone ran from the creature. Greg and Kyle tried their best to stay away, however the same couldn’t be said for Michael. The creature grabbed either end of his body and ripped him in half. His organ were still connected to both halves.

    Sasha was next. It grabbed her by the legs and slammed her on the ground. It broke the ground with her body. It dropped her body and went for the next. There’s gotta be some way to beat them. Wait!

    I tried staying perfectly still. And the creature passed right by me… and went straight for Kyle and Greg. I turned around to see the creature tear into the two. Tears streamed from my eyes. I can’t… no… NO! I ran at the creature, full of hate and emotion. It looked back at me, blood on its claws and faces.

    I slammed my fists into them, scraping away at the creatures skin. I clawed and clawed until my skin was rough and bloodied. No, no, NO! You bastard! Why did I listen to him!? I screamed out. Then I felt something hit the back of my head, and I was out cold.

    -Some time later-

    I awoke in a bedroom that was not my own. I studied my surroundings and noticed I was not alone in this room. There was another female inside. She looked at me when she noticed me wake up. She walked up to the edge of the bed. Then I saw another familiar face. Haley.

    “You feel okay, Amanda?” she asked.

    “I… yeah. Where...?”

    “The surgery was difficult. It’s easier to do when you’re awake, but we got it done.”

    “The surgery!? What happened to me!?”

    “You… are now one of us.” A familiar voice spoke. I looked up to see that Jason had entered the room. Hate instantly filled me once again.

    “What did you do!?” I yelled.

    The creature popped out of Jason’s back. It towered over the three of us. That when I pieced it together. They put one of those creatures inside of me. Tears began to flow from my eyes. I’m a monster…

    “I’m going to tell the world of what you did. They’ll all know. They'll know that you killed innocent people, that you're turning people into monsters.” I hissed.

    The two of them smiled.

    “That’s the plan.” Jason chuckled.

    And that’s how I got this computer. They had me type up a recap of how this happened. If I didn’t, they said they’d kill me. I don’t believe that. I think they need me for something. They’re planning something big, and no one will be exempt from it.

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    • My first suggestion is to unbold the story's text as it makes it unpleasant to look at.

      "why I killed my friends and family." I advise against using this as it will lead people to believe this is just another Jeff OC. On top of that it is pretty deceptive because technically she didn't kill her friends or family.

      It sounds odd that someone would not only bring a stranger child into their home, but also invite them to a party that can get rowdy. And why didn't the main character even consider getting child protective services on this obviously abused child?

      The main character doesn't really seem too alarmed by the creature in Jason's back as she forgets about it for a while.

      "'Wait, the kid from that Creepypasta?' Greg asked." It is almost never a good idea to reference Creepypasta in a Creepypasta, especially when trying to fit your character as one of the "Creepypasta characters".

      No offense or anything, but what I'm assuming is supposed to be the climactic scene is not scary at all.

      "Tell the world!" sounds as if it were inspired by Smile.dog's "Spread the word".

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    • NedWolfkin



      Thank you for the awesome advice! I really appreciate it. I'm new at this type of story stuff so I don't always see stuff like what you posted. I'd also like to tell you that there is a story that comes before this. It's called Doyle's Game. If you can think of any things in it that might be off, please tell.

      Sincerely,

      Unclepaco26

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    • Uncle Paco,

      I am glad to see that you are continuing your story and that you are bringing the next installment to the Writer's Workshop before posting it.

      My generic first suggestion is that you take your story to http://www.grammarly.com and correct the dozens of errors it spots. Then take your story to http://www.hemingwayapp.com and correct the errors it finds. Actually, http://www.hemmingwayapp.com likes your story so let's focus on Grammarly for the moment.

      Ned Wolfkin made a good review of your story. I definitely would listen to it for the next draft.

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    • Well it's riddled with cliched tropes. I wouldn't believe anyone if they told me that they took in a child that refuses medical attention. That kid was asking to have the cops called on him.

      Why was he riddled with bruises given his monster pal? Convenient plot points that serve no actual purpose and kill the internal logic of the story.

      Woman brings in random kid and her husband goes, "did you think it was a good idea to bring a kid to an adult board game party?" what... What are these people?!

      Womsn sees something clearly paranormal ~ does nothing

      Street kid who pretends to be troubled by "street life" is against gambling... What?

      Why are these characters so unlifelike?

      "we made you into one of us now tell the world our secret because reading about us gives us power over the reader" ~ had it been better, i might've believed that but as it stands its just not believable at all.

      Mentioning a CP character unironically in a CP is bad.

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    • Uncle Paco,

      Bloody Spaghetti's points are dead on. Don't be discouraged. All those issues and plot points can be resolved. Address them one by one. I can see a logical way past several of them just reading them.

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    • This rewrite is better.

      Jason would know the school nurse. Well, my kids all did. They knew her very well, and she did know him. Make the familiarity two way.

      Point #1 - When that bat thing pops out, the party is over. Nobody is going to calmly sit and play Monopoly when they just saw something like that. You must build up tension. Something should be wrong before that, then a sign, then the bat that blows them all away.

      Point #2 - Jason and three other kids went on a work detail to a house. The four of them disappeared. The school would be talking about it. Jason abandoned his car. What kind of a kid abandons his wheels? Days later, Jason appears to Nurse Doe. So, what happened? She's got to wonder at least, and probably she's going to ask.

      Point #3 - the last name "Doe." A "Jane Doe" is an unidentified female corpse. A "John Doe" is an unidentified male corpse. Not the best last name. You can come up with a better one. Any ethnicity. "Buck" would do if you really want venison. "Hunter" "Jaeger" I have used everything from the names of co-workers to radio show characters.

      Focus on the transition in that party scene. It has to go from slightly creepy "the kid who is coming down on drugs" to something weird but not necessarily him to outright horror.

      I had an idea. What if it isn't Monopoly they are playing? What if it is a Ouji board or they are doing a seance or a religious healing or something like that? Somewhere in there, the mysterious starts happening. The Ouji board thingie starts moving by itself, nobody touching it or some such. Then things could be flying around the room. At the end of that escalation where everybody is trying to run out but the door won't open that the bat unveils.

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    • A FANDOM user
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