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  • My name is Alice I am about to tell you what happens to me when I was a kid my parents were very abusive and always tell me they don't love me “You are a stupid girl why do we keep you instead to give you to an orphanage!“Says my father always shouting at me my mother wasn't any better as she beat me and see me crying without caring,“Aww cry all you want no one love you, “she always says these words to me".


    I always felt so alone in my own house since I wasn't loved by my parents who hated me every day and nights, “Why this happens to me What do I do wrong?“ Asking myself why my life is miserable I wasn't sure if people like me because some think I am a weirdo but since sometime its some voice inside my head who's telling me to kill someone.


    When summer came my grandparents came to my house and took me with them for some vacations, I love my Grandfather and Grandmother because they are the only one who really understands me when we go to their home my aunt and my cousins was also there one of my male cousins glared at me “Well its that, not awful Alice!!!“ Says my more elderly cousin I hated that guy he constantly bullies me like some people of the village and I was really angry at this remark.


    I was walking in the village going to the beach when I heard one of my female cousins talking behind my back “Do you see that ugly dress she has why is she wearing that awful thing?“She asked her friends her friend nods and laugh “This is so unfair,“ I was thinking because like some girls like know its ignore the bullying, of course, my parents came to visit not because they missing me or want some news they are just happy to not have me at home more to my dismay.


    Everyone's while I stay with my grandparent beat me up I was really saddened and run to the forest to cry then someone approached me, it was a man but he has no eyes or nose just ahis mouth and he was tall with a green flat cap kaki buttoned shirt with blue short sleeves shirt gray pants a with purple shoes on his feet.


    The strange man began speaking “Don't be scared my name is Old-time Man and I want to help you get revenge,“ I was suspicious why this creature wants to help as he has the same voice I heard in my head “How will you help me?“ I respond to him he looked at me and says You see and take these objects he gave me a knife and a mask he also told me to wait for the nightfall.


    Going home I was not feeling really well since that encounter I was also tired so I went upstairs to my bed and sleep a weird dream then appear and the man I saw was there his voice was deep as he says “Kill them“ I feel myself waking walking to my desk and take the mask and the stabbing knife, then without warning I enter my cousin's room as I walk over they still sleeping then I feel the knife stabbing as one of them woke up screaming the others do the same and I totally blackout.


    The next morning I heard my aunt screaming in horror I run out my room not knowing what happen, until I saw the blood on the floor and look threw the door all my cousins are dead much to my shock as I see the blood on my hands I run to the forest because I didn't want someone to accuse me, but it was sure that my parents were about to know what happened me I feel great as I put the mask back on and have my stabbing knife in my pocket.


    Note from the author: I try to corrected it the best I can and use less comas but some my narration on scribens and i am sorry that its not perfect but like I says I try the best I could if the phrases are not well its because my computer doesn't understand the quotes maybe if someone can help fix my mistakes.

    Maybe my story or one of them will work and be accepted.

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    • The paragraphs are seperated by two spaces instead of one which gives it an unpleasant look. The story is missing proper punctuations as well as quotation marks.

      As for the story itself, it suffers from tense swaps and is your typical OC vehicle that follows the Jeff inspired formula.

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    • That's what I said   my computer  doesn't know quotes anymore  I try to do less ponctuation because people doesn't  like when its too much they do not understand ,  I could fix it myself but it will gave me the same result as this. If someone try  to help me  I would be glad if someone  can arrange it.

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    • Solonor1987 wrote:
      That's what I said   my computer  doesn't know quotes anymore

      You should try to do something about that as there is no way of getting around having dialogue without quotation marks. If you have to, you can always copy quotation marks and insert them where needed.

      Solonor1987 wrote:
      I try to do less ponctuation because people doesn't  like when its too much they do not understand

      Punctuation is important. Without it all you have is a bunch of run on sentences which makes it difficult to read.

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    • unfortunately some people tell me  that too much  is not right  well actually its comas they don't want much  that's what I meant by punctuations


      I try but to copypaste the quote it doesn't works.

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    • The main problem with the punctuation in this story is the lack of periods. In some places where there should be a period, there is a comma and in some place there isn't any periods at all where they are needed.

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    • Well now I do find the quote and paste it  I think now its more understable wich is the quotes and sentences .

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    • I strongly recommend you read the Style Guide for Writing and How to Write Creepypasta that are posted on this wiki. They both provide very good guidance material for how to structure a story and how to use correct punctuation.

      All the best!

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    • unfortunately I try Grammarly but cannot  have the premium because I can't buy it  because I don't have credit card fior it and never will  so if someone fix some my words it would be helpful.

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    • Solonor1987 wrote:
      unfortunately I try Grammarly but cannot  have the premium because I can't buy it  because I don't have credit card fior it and never will  so if someone fix some my words it would be helpful.

      Why don't you try finding a free program?

      As for fixing your spelling, there is no point. This story, even with spelling and grammar fixed the story itself is (like I said) little more than a typical OC story that follows the Jeff formula.

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    • Its not follow the Jeff formula  at all  and I try to find a free program  but they all tell me the same things  that story its in the 1916  same I don't say the year in the story,  I try every story about old time  but everyone think it is  a Jeff formula  its not.

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    • It follows the Jeff formula because the main character is cartoonishly abused and bullied, kills their family, then becomes a serial killer on the loose.

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    • So what do you want me to say else, if I say that she's raped nobody would read it because they think its stupid and don't have  interest,  like Sally  some people do find that story awful and interesting at all.

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    • I suggest writing a new story all together. Adding a theme that wasn't in Jeff the Killer (in this case rape) would not make it any less of a Jeff-like story. The theme of a bully victim turning into a murderer would remain, therefore it would still be a JtK-like OC.

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    • but its not its actually based on slenderman one  

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    • All the same, it follows the same formula.

      As for it being based on another pasta, you should ask an administrator about that one. That might break the no spin-off rule.

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    • well you said bring all story  what you mean by it ?????

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    • Would you mind either quoting what I said or rephrasing that.

      No offense or anything but it is kind of hard to understand what you are saying.

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    • It was easy I said  what you meant by bring all the story Togheter???

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    • If you're talking about when I said "I suggest writing a new story all together." then I was saying write a totally new story as this one won't work.

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    • Like what shouls it talk.

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    • I don't know. That is for you to decide.

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    • Well maybe a summer camp one

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    • Hmm

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    • Solonor, have you read the Style Guide for Writing or How to Write Creepypasta that I suggested earlier? They are on this wiki, free to access, and have very good information about the kind of ideas that make good stories. 

      You can't just ask people to fix it because you don't have the Premium Grammarly, as stated above this story needs a complete re-write not just spelling and grammar improvements.

      Please read those pages, it will help!

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    • SigmetAlpha wrote:
      Solonor, have you read the Style Guide for Writing or How to Write Creepypasta that I suggested earlier? They are on this wiki, free to access, and have very good information about the kind of ideas that make good stories. 

      You can't just ask people to fix it because you don't have the Premium Grammarly, as stated above this story needs a complete re-write not just spelling and grammar improvements.

      Please read those pages, it will help!

      Nope I did read it I didn't understand a word sorry

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    • I don't mean to be harsh, but if you can't understand those pages you will find it difficult to write a decent story.

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    • well what i meant its hard to know something some are readable but I get lost between lines actually inthe rules.

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    • I don't understand

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    • Sorry I meant  i try to read between the line in the rules but its not easy

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    • Maye be you can try something ese?

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    • A FANDOM user
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