Cats life was once normal it wasn’t till she got sent to a psychiatric hospital by the age of 19 that her nature started to change. She was sent there for cutting herself, when she arrived they forcefully grabbed her and checked to see where the scars are and how many there were, they found most of the cuts on her foot and moved Cat to a white padded room for examination. After being there for just a couple of minutes Cat was starting to act out, it started with her sitting calmly and still to her getting up and tumbling around the room like she was trying to occupy herself, like she was starting to get bored or agitated.
An hour has passed and her behavior was starting to act up, she was screaming “let me out!” Multiple times and was banging her hand on the wall waiting for someone to hear her, It was dead silent too silent that she could hear her own heartbeat as it got louder and louder freaking Cat out and making her panic she felt like the surrounding air was growing thin and passed out. When she woke up, she was in a room and next to her was a psychiatrist who right away started to ask Cat questions. After not responding and lying on the bed almost like she was dead the psychiatrist decided to take extreme measures by bringing Cat to a room being prepped for electroshock therapy while Cat was still up the psychiatrist said that she is very ill and needs to be fixed immediately.
They put Cat to sleep and when she woke up, she was in a room with a TV and a nice bed that Cat can
lie in, she tried to figure out what happened in that room she remembers a small part where she started to wake up but can’t remember anything. When night fell a psychiatrist came in to record Cats behavior and emotions. Cat told the psychiatrist, she can’t feel anything like she lost some of her emotions she also started to ask what happened in the room, she was just in and as the psychiatrist tried to change the subject Cat started to yell and keep asking what they did
to her, interrupting the psychiatrist said that she is ill and that she has Borderline Personality Disorder and have also been showing signs of mild narcissistic personality disorder as well as some psychotic behavior.
And after telling her that and finishing up her therapy the psychiatrist left. As Cat was falling asleep, she started to get glimpses of what they did to her, when she finally did she started to remember what happened. When she woke up, there was a doctor who came in and checked Cat and looked for any movement, when they thought she was still asleep, they started testing, they gave her painful shots and took her blood, she can still faintly smell it, they also electrocuted her and gave her medication and recorded her brain’s response to each one. Hearing her heart beat as Cat woke up, she went totally insane and as she broke out of her room, she saw an exacto knife on a surgical tray in the hall she ran to it and grabbed it.
Then continued down the stairs into the main lobby where there was a receptionist who Cat immediately killed, while smelling the blood coming from the body Cat stuck her hand into the receptionists chest and drank the blood from it then started to hear the faint noise of the receptionists’ heart beating she ripped it out of her chest and ate it. Cat left the hospital and got into the receptionists’ car after taking the keys and drove off. Cat went to her house and did the same thing to her parents, she wrote on the wall in her parents’ blood, a heart with a crown above it and refers to herself as the “Queen of Hearts”.
Cat then leaves her house and lives on, carrying her insanity with her and eating the hearts of many people
and leaving them for dead.
In my opinion it feels like an OC vehicle. My problem with this is that it is lacking in horror content and relies on psychiatric hospital (and Jeff inspired) cliches, one of the paragraphs requires scrolling vertically, and there isn't very much detail as to what is going on.
Sorry, but for me this needs alot of work to be ready to submit. The plot doesn't really make sense, and as stated above, seems to be a "and then they went crazy and killed everyone" kind of deal like Jeff the Killer (which if I'm honest I never saw the appeal in, ironic or otherwise).
A believable slide into insanity is a VERY DIFFICULT piece to write in my opinion (or it is for me, I don't feel confident enough to go there) as you need to convince the audience that given the circumstances, it is natural for someone to go insane. That part of it makes it scary or disturbing to read. I think you need to give alot of thought to how Cat goes insane and why, and make that process more organic and progressive.
Language wise, alot of work is needed. Sentence structure needs work, you need to use commas and punctuation more. Your sentences go on and on which makes this piece very hard to read.
I'm not trying to discourage you from writing (I'm far from a respected author on here so may have no idea what I'm talking about), but I think you need to refer to the Writing Advice pages on this website before submitting this.
Uh, so this is a shorter rewrite of Caterina Valentine, which was posted to the workshop a while ago. And there's little to no change from it being a JTK spinoff. I'll be blunt: Caterina Valentine was a better draft. Even that had a tinge of development. But neither are acceptable in their current forms.
As Ned pointed out, I'm noticing that this is more about creating a character rather than telling a story. It's forcing all of these images and details to try and make Cat iconic, to give people something to draw. As well as just being ridden with cliches and hardly any attachment to realism.
What I see is recording actions. Psychiatrists did these actions to Cat. Cat then did these actions. This is boring.
Good writing is emotional. Instead of just telling us each event, make us feel each event. What was Cat experiencing at each point? While descriptions of the environment do help us, getting us to feel the emotions of the moment really is what helps.