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  • To whom may read this id like some help and critsisms about my story. I'd like to know what to add or what to scrap from it if you'd like to read it's put down below

    “Don’t open the door!” Your aunt calls out to you as you slowly waddle towards the door. You stop to look at her as she has the expression of extreme anger on her face. Scared, you back away from the door and go to watch the T.V. Your favorite show is on but your not paying attention as you see your uncle open the door and walk down a flight of wooden stairs. The door was left open and all you see is darkness. The picture of black stuck to your mind as your aunt picks you up and brings you to the crib. She seemed to be upset now instead of angry. “Was she ok?” you think to yourself as you slowly drift off to sleep. All you could dream of what was downstairs. In your kid mind you would never think anything bad, but you know it could be something scary but your curiosity gets the better of you. You wake up and find a way out of your crib. It was dark outside but some lights were on in the house and you approach the door once again.

    You see a crack of the door was open and a dim light shone through from down the stairs. You pull the door open slowly and begin your descent down the long flight of stairs. You grip onto the railing tightly as to not fall down the stairs as you do one stair at a time. You finally make it to the bottom of what seemed to be the endless staircase. You look around but due to little light you cant make out anything. You decide to wander around until you bump into something hard and cold. You feel it all around it until you feel a button. You press the button as the machine began to move and start making loud creaking and grinding noises. You then hear someone open the door from upstairs as its your uncle. He rushes downstairs with something in his hands. He grunts and looks around and almost spots you. He goes back upstairs and slams the door.

    The light seemed to get better as you see the machine still on, working and grinding. There was a smell, a bad smell that you can’t describe as you see the machine produce chunks of meat. “How is this thing doing that?” You think to yourself as you see a hand sink down into the machine. You see more of the meat being produced. You don’t understand what’s going on and you get very scared. You begin to cry and hear someone come down the stairs again. It’s both your aunt and uncle. They both have looks of anger as they turn off the machine and spot you. You try running but your aunt grabs you by the arm and grips it tightly. You kick, you scream you try everything to get away but its no use as they try to put you into the machine as well.

    There was pounding on the door upstairs. Everything went silent as there was another bang at the door. Then there was a loud smash as the police break in through the windows and doors of the house. The search the house until they come downstairs to see them forcing you into the meat processor. They were forced to put you down and they were arrested for 3rd degree murder and kidnapping. You were put into the police car and driven off to be with your parents again. Your mom and dad were so happy to be reunited with you again. Your now 17 and the event happened 13 years ago you still wonder, what ever happened to your aunt and uncle. but then you slowly began to realize that your aunts house doesn’t have a basement nor does she have a husband.

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    • There's not enough here. I don't feel anything. It's not just a lack of detail. You also pretty much completely lack any emotional content.

      A kid that young isn't a reliable witness. If he did report Aunt and "uncle" killing someone, people would ignore it. If he reported them grinding people up, she could laugh and say she was grinding some pork and beef up in the meat grinder to make kielbasa sausage. If the question of there being no "uncle" comes up, she says "It's my boyfriend, Fred." No cop involvement.

      I don't get a twist at the end. So what if there wasn't a basement? The kid was so young he still slept in a crib.

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    • I really don't get what's going on here. I feel 2nd person doesn't work here at all, and I have no idea what the twist at the end is meant to mean. There's no emotion in this pasta; no way for us to feel what the narrator is feeling.

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    • SigmetAlpha wrote: I really don't get what's going on here. I feel 2nd person doesn't work here at all, and I have no idea what the twist at the end is meant to mean. There's no emotion in this pasta; no way for us to feel what the narrator is feeling.

      SigmetAlpha,

      That's just as I see it.

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    • First off, the first paragraph of the story is bolded. I assume you did this to differentiate it from the note (the paragraph above), but I suggest unbolding it and putting the note in parentheses.

      As SigmetAlpha pointed out, the second person perspective (which is hard to pull off to begin with, at least in my opinion) doesn't work here.

      "but your not paying attention" should be "but you're not paying attention".  Remember your = possessive, you're = you are. This problem reoccurs at "Your now 17"

      "You then hear someone open the door from upstairs as its your uncle" no offense, but this really isn't worded to well. Also that should be "it's your uncle". Its = possessive, it's = it is.

      This story raises a lot of questions: The main character is four when this happens (given by the math "Your now 17 and the event happened 13 years ago") so why are they still in a crib? And how did they escape it? And what makes them cry?

      The "but" at the beginning of the final sentence should be capitalized.

      "you slowly began to realize that your aunts house doesn’t have a basement nor does she have a husband." There is so many problems with this. First off, it feels like a forced wham line. Second, I can see why Dr. Bob and SigmetAlpha find it confusing, in fact I find it slightly confusing. Was the whole thing supposed to be a "Wait a minute then who/what/why...?" kind of thing? It feels like it was inspired by Candle Cove's wham line.

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    • First, the second person dosn't work at all. It feels like you're not sure you've intended to use it. 

      Second, there isn't much going on here, it's just "a bad thing randomly happens for reasons" kind of thing. There's no real plot progression here. There's no real plot in here to be honest. Kid finds a door to a room he's not supposed to go there, decides to go there, almost gets murdered by the people who've abducted him and wanted to murder him but kind of didn't? 

      Also, shoving a person whole into a meat processor that you can keep at home is somewhat physically impossible and impractical. 

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    • thank you all for the critisism this really does help for any future stories i may wright or i might revise this story

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    • A FANDOM user
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