Ever since I was little, I’ve had this…power. I’ve never told anyone about it, not even my closest friends, but something awful has happened and I need to get it off my chest. So, I’m writing about it here, more for myself than anyone else. Who knows, this might not even see the light of day, but if you’re reading this…maybe it’s already too late.
The earliest memory I have of my power is when I was three years old, sitting on the beach with my dad, just staring out into the sea watching the waves splash gently across the sand. It was a magical moment. I was sitting on his lap and we were slowly drifting to sleep together, when suddenly, the sky flashed a deep red, stunning me and blanking out my vision. I blinked, and my vision returned, and all I could see was the sun slowly dissolving over the horizon, beaming bright, shining waves of velvet red into the sky. I can remember being awestruck at the silky smoothness of the shade, which I now understand to be known as ‘the colour of love’.
The next day, my dad proposed to my mother, on what she always said was the ‘happiest day of her life’.
These strange sunset premonitions have been happening my entire life. One other occasion, I was laying in bed, staring at the sunset from my open window on a summer’s evening. A sudden gust of cold air caught me off guard, and I watched in shock as a great swirl of blue and white began to spiral around the sun, as if the clouds and the sky were being whirled into one huge mixture. My entire body shook with cold, and I could see tiny little snowdrops flying across the sky, being whisked in every direction at once.
That same week, our county had the biggest blizzard in years.
The premonitions happen at least once a month. Sometimes I’ll see a specific face in the sunset, and soon have it show up somewhere in my day-to-day life. I’ve seen great blazes of orange burst up from the evening sky, only to hear about a deadly car fire on the radio the next morning. I’ve witnessed plants and fauna of every type flourish amidst the lowering sun, just to wake up the next day to my garden brimming with freshly bloomed flowers. From the notes I’ve taken, the premonitions are always related to personal or impersonal future events somehow, always with meaning, and always mesmerising to watch, like a firework show on the 4th of July.
Ever since I learned that I was the only person I knew that could experience these phenomena, I’ve been searching far and wide for someone to share the experiences with. I’ve been forced to hide my power from those I know in real life, scared that they’ll think I’m a druggie or that I’m schizophrenic, and instead had to resort to asking around on the internet. I’ve posted on so many forums, made so many blogs asking if anyone has had a similar occurrence, but all that’s come back my way has been disappointment. There are some saying I’m being drugged, others who claim I’m just batshit insane. But nothing that’s given me any indication that there may be someone out there like me.
I’m slightly older now and have all but given up on trying to find a suitable companion to experience my premonitions with. But none of that is important, really. What’s important is this:
Around a month ago I was sat outside, waiting for the sun to set. I live in the highest house of a particularly rural countryside area, with a mesmerising view of the sunset every night, so I never miss a premonition.
I’m sitting there, feeling rather sleepy, so I’m half-awake when I hear this distant booming noise. It’s hard to translate into words, but it almost sounded like a kind of heavy artillery-like weapon being fired, only from miles and miles away. I jolt up in my seat. The sunsets never come with any type of auditory accompaniment, so I know it has to be something else.
That’s when I see this black patch just kind of pop up from nowhere, just beside the sun as it’s going down, much too dark to be a cloud. It doesn’t look like anything in particular, just a misshapen patch of darkness. It’s so small, I barely acknowledge it at first. After waiting and waiting for hours, nothing happens. A bit of a let-down, yes, but there have been other plenty of sunsets without a premonition before, so I think nothing of it.
The next morning, I wake up, and the dark patch I saw the night before has developed into a moon-sized blot. I panic, naturally. The entire day, it’s just looming up there in the sky, unmoving, and I do my best to ignore it. For the first time in years, I go to bed without bothering to check if there’s another premonition.
I wake up in the middle of the night and go to relieve myself. Out of the bathroom window, I see a dark shape lingering in the sky. In a sleepy haze, I stick my head out of the window and look up.
The patch is twice as large as it was the other day.
Since then, it’s only getting bigger. At the end of that week, it was large enough to obscure the sun completely. Now, it’s constantly as dark as night, and any indication of a sunrise or sunset has disappeared. And it didn’t stop there. Every day, it grew larger, eating up another 10 miles of sky roughly every 24 hours. I’m scared shitless. Today, it’s occupying almost the entire sky. The only thing left is a thin blue line across the horizon.
The worst part of all of this is how seemingly nobody else but me can tell this is happening. The internet is carrying on as usual, and anyone I’ve met in real life since all this began hasn’t brought up anything out of the blue. I’m conflicted between asking what the fuck is going on and not wanting to out myself as a crazy bastard.
I can’t be crazy. Maybe something as minor as a small black dot could be considered a hallucination, but not this. This is total fucking blackout, 24/7. If my mind is clever enough to simulate effects as realistic as this, I must be some sort of hyper-genius. It feels like I’m trapped within my own head. Fuck, all I want is for someone to share this nightmare with. Someone who can see the shit I’m seeing. That’s what I’ve been searching for this whole time.
I probably wouldn’t have written all this if not for what happened today. I haven’t left the house since, and I don’t know if I will ever again.
Out of nowhere, this huge fucking face appeared from the blackness above. Like, this hideous bug-eyed demon-looking thing. It had to be as wide as the entire county. It was awful. Beyond awful. I couldn’t stand to look at for more than a few seconds. It was pale white, and bony, kind of like the skull on a Jolly Roger flag but with a little flesh and the fucking creepiest eyes. I felt like they were looking right at me.
Just as quickly as it appeared, it faded to nothing again. A few seconds later, I hear this quiet humming noise, like a bee buzzing into a microphone. I assume it’s just the ringing in my ears from seeing such a horrible sight, but as it gets louder, I quickly learn it isn’t. It’s coming from everywhere at once, every direction. It sounds far-off but I can hear it getting closer with each passing hour.
I’ve locked myself in my bedroom, and I have no idea what to do. Part of me wants to scream for help, call the police, reach out to somebody, but I’m fucking terrified of leaving the house. So I’m writing this instead. I can only pray there are people out there going through the same hell I am. I can’t be the only one.
I’m not so sure of anything anymore, but if there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s this:
There's the idea of something interesting here, but it's not fully developed. Interestingly, the parts that don't add to the story are overdeveloped.
First, there is simply too much rambling information at the start of the story. The entire first third to half of it is exposition that could easily have been established in half the time you've taken to do it here. That said, for all the vividness with which you've written it, you could make the pattern of the visions a bit clearer and more consistent. I suggest taking the time to really describe one specific example of the premonitions in detail and then summarizing the rest in a single paragraph. This will give you an intro of maybe three or four paragraphs before your story properly begins.
Since we're talking about the beginning, I wanted to quickly suggest that you cut the whole "I want to confess/write about my experience" part of the intro. It's hoaky and unnecessary and prevents the reader from taking the story seriously. You can begin more strongly by pulling us right into an example of the narrator's power.
At the moment, it feels like your exposition and your story were written by two different people. Once we get into the meat of the story, which is the black spot next to the sun, it seems like all of the vivid description we were treated to in the beginning of the story is abandoned and the word "fuck" is used repeatedly to create a sense of panic. Consider the difference between the following two sentences:
"I blinked, and my vision returned, and all I could see was the sun slowly dissolving over the horizon, beaming bright, shining waves of velvet red into the sky."
"Out of nowhere, this huge fucking face appeared from the blackness above."
The first sentence is much more effective than the second. Not that there's anything wrong with expletives, but they don't replace clear description. Using the reader's five senses to bring them along for the journey will always be more effective.
Ultimately, for all the set up, this story falls flat. You introduce a situation without resolving it, and that's incredibly disappointing. It's all buildup and no payoff. If you're taking us this far for this long, you better have something strong and clear to end your story. Even if you spend your whole story leading up to an event that doesn't happen within the story itself, it should at least be clear what that event is and when it's going to happen. Otherwise, your story is just unsatisfying.
Finally, and this is very much a low-order concern, your tense shifts pretty jarringly. Pick a tense and stick to it. If your story happened in the past, stick with past tense. It will just keep the whole thing cleaner.
I really hope all of this helps. Your story needs some work, but the idea is good and it can definitely be developed into a great final product. I look forward to seeing future drafts of this.