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  • A while ago, maybe a year, I came home to find blood on my mirror. The entire thing was covered in bloody handprints, but they didn't have reflections, like...like... no. Impossible, right? What was possible was that I was being pranked. So, of course, I went around the house demanding to know who did it. No one admitted anything, and eventually I decided to pretend it didn’t happen. I went back to my room and tried to scrub the blood off, but it wouldn’t come out, as if I was trying to scrub dirt off a car window from the inside. I told myself it had just dried, but my heart was pounding. If it was dried then that still didn't explain the lack of reflection. When I was trying to sleep, though, I heard something. It sounded like something was talking to me. It was coming from the mirror's side of the room. I felt my spine tingle, scared, but nervously laughed it off, thinking I was imagining it and went back to sleep. A week later (one absolutely terrifying week during which I refused to turn my back to the mirror because I was scared something would stab me from behind) the blood still hadn’t come off, and because I was about to move houses (my mom’s decision, not mine, I’m 13) I was trying to clean it again. While I was doing that, a figure floated past the mirror. I screamed, and threw the bowl of Jolly Ranchers I’d been eating (I have a huge sweet tooth) at the mirror. Then the WEIRDEST thing happened. It. Sank. Straight. Through. The. Glass. The figure stopped, picked up the candy, and floated away. My family and I moved houses and I never saw her again. Still, I keep as far away from mirrors as possible.

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    • I think it's too short. I didn't have time to immerse in that. It's also kind of a little in your face, kind of tell don't show. You should let me see, feel almost take part in the plot and not tell me "A happened, B happened, C happened"

      It needs some polishing and it should work

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    • Shiroiusagi503,

      Bloody Spaghetti was correct. Your story lacks emotion and feeling. It's a series of "Just the facts" events. Good writing is based on emotions. Make us feel what the protagonist felt with your words.

      You used the phrase "I got a bit scared, but then realized I was being silly." This attempts to show some emotion, but it fails because you are telling us and not showing us. Don't label emotions and move on, make us feel them. Have you ever been scared, really wondering if you were going to live or die scared? How did it feel? Did you pee yourself? Did your heart pound? Did your palms sweat? Make us feel fear.

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    • The entire thing was covered in bloody handprints, [as if something on the inside had left them there.]

      It sounded like something was talking to me [from INSIDE the mirror.]

      I think you're telling the reader too much. Maybe hint at what's happening instead of saying it outright. If the reader hasn't figured out it's something on the INSIDE, they surely will when the thing picks up the candy. Also, I'd like to know what kind of candy the protagonist was munching on.

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    • bloodyspaghetti, Andrew smith once said that the "show, don't tell" thing was rubbish. also, I was telling it as if it had happened to me. if I were telling something that happened to me, i'd lay down the facts, clarify. I find it's scarier when it feels real. (right now, for example, i'm in my room which has a big mirror. i'm typing this facing the mirror because i'm too scared to have the mirror behind me. you know, that feeling were you feel like something's going to stab you from behind {maybe I should add that to the story.} I totally spooked myself.) also, cut me some slack. im 13 and new to this. I'm great at writing, but horror? That's new. I try to keep it simple because if I don't I'll scare myself.

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    • There. Normally I would not change things because someone else told me too, but I want Hansha to become popular, so, I did.

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    • First off, you need to break this up into paragraphs. It will make it a little easier to read.

      The entire thing was covered in bloody handprints, but they didn't have reflections, [like... like... no.]

      The ellipses really don't work since the protagonist is writing this after the fact. Plus, the handprints would only give off a very slight reflection if the blood was kind of thick. I experimented with shaving cream on my bathroom mirror. Oh, the lengths I will go. :)

      The shaving cream print did leave a reflection, but I had to press my cheek to the mirror beside the print to see it. It's plausible the protagonist noticed the lack of reflection when trying to scrub the prints off, so my findings don't really affect the story. I figured I'd share anyway since I did muck up my mirror. :)

      When I was trying to sleep, though, 1-[I heard something. It sounded like something was talking to me.] It was coming from the mirror's side of the room. 2-[I felt my spine tingle, scared, but nervously laughed it off, thinking I was imagining it and went back to sleep.] A week later (one absolutely terrifying week during which I refused to turn my back to the mirror because 3-[I was scared something would stab me from behind)]

      1- What did it sound like? Could the protagonist make out any words or was it indecipherable?

      2- How long did the protagonist lie there before falling back asleep? While lying awake in the dark, did the protagonist imagine what the thing might look like or maybe what its motives might be?

      3- A whole week to imagine what that something could be. Why did the protagonist worry the something would get all stabby? What was going through the protagonist's head?

      [A week later (one absolutely terrifying week during which I refused to turn my back to the mirror because I was scared something would stab me from behind) the blood still hadn’t come off, and because I was about to move houses (my mom’s decision, not mine, I’m 13) I was trying to clean it again.]

      This is a bit of a run-on sentence. You could easily break this into 2 - 4 sentences. Worded differently, the ( )s wouldn't be necessary. They can cause the reader to lose track of the initial point if they go on for too long. My feeling is the secondary point should be a sentence all its own if it's as long or longer than the initial point in the sentence.

      Okay, on to the ending. What did the thing in the mirror look like? Was it scarier than what the protagonist had imagined over the past week or so? The protagonist is leery of mirrors now, but is that all? Do Jolly Ranchers or anything else bring up thoughts of the thing? What does a life avoiding mirrors look like? It can't be easy. Reflective surfaces are everywhere.

      I hope this helps with your story. Good luck.

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    • A FANDOM user
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