• A Bird In The Bathtub

    8:44 a.m

    The odd stench flew inside me which triggered my curiosity. As I walked down the hallways to get inside the bathroom, I opened the bathtub curtains to reveal a horrific high. A bird in the bathtub. The bird was dead, still like a statue, looking lifeless. This certainly left me in quite the shock, but I must admit that I was fascinated. In my mind I was trying to come up with all the ways this could of happened. I ended up just sticking to the theory that one of the windows was left open and the bird was being chased by a predator at the time. The bird ended up bringing itself into the house, finding its way into the bathroom and slamming itself onto one of the walls, causing its body to drag down and land on the bathtub floor. I wonder what it would be like to be in the eyes and mindset of that predator. Chasing your victims into death, only to feast out the flesh afterwards. I took this incident as a sign that the whole day would be strange, yet satisfying.

    With a pool party going on later tonight, I knew this was my chance to step inside the mind of a predator. Being considered the “weird kid” at school, I question myself how I get invited to these type of events. Was it to make all the guests make fun of me? For them to make me become a fool of myself just for their amusement? Either way, I knew I wasn’t invited to this party because they liked me or considered me as their friend. However, opportunities like this is something I would not want to miss.

    12:37 p.m

    I drove over to the local store to buy some things to use for the party. Each guest had to bring some sort of snack to share among the guests. As I looked from isle to isle, I decided to go with red velvet cupcakes. They would really blend in well with the surroundings. I would also need a swimsuit, which I could find in the clothing section of the store. I didn’t plan on bringing too many things to the party, just in case I needed to runaway from the crowds.

    1:48 p.m

    Why did I have to park so far from the store? The bags i’m carrying are super heavy, which are causing my arms to get more sore. I bought one more item, other than a swimsuit and the cupcakes, which really made the bag gain weight. I needed to get home to test an experiment for the party. I wouldn’t want to end up coming into the party without a plan..

    5:17 p.m

    It’s been a long day, but the party is going to be starting in 30 minutes so I was hoping all this hard work would be worth it. After packing my bags with everything I was going to bring, I needed to make sure I left nothing behind. Towel? Check. Red velvet cupcakes? Check. Extra pair of clothes for after? Check. There was no need to bring my extra item I bought from the store earlier. It was already hiding inside the cupcakes.

    7:34 p.m

    The people were laughing, dancing to the loud music being played through by the speakers, diving into the water creating a massive splash, and having a great time with all their friends. I was just sitting alone, feeling lonely and bored. Nobody was paying attention to me, and the only times I interacted with people so far was them shoving me or calling me a “freak”. It was about time I decided to get up and start to actually have fun at this party. I can’t just sit around being bored! It was time for me to have the greatest night of my life! It was time for the predator to chase away the prey!

    7:49 p.m

    Not too long ago I grabbed the red velvet cupcakes and served one to each guest. It turns out that nobody brought any type of snack to the party. I guess they sent me a different, modified invitation. Not like that matters though. I was hungry and dinner was about to be served.

    8:07 p.m

    Man, all the hard work really paid off! It wasn’t too long ago I was starving, craving for a bite but now i’m having the feast of my life! Well, technically i’m having the feast of their life if you know what I mean. As I looked around my surroundings I couldn’t help but think to myself, where have I seen this before? Whats so familiar about the situation i’m currently in?

    I took a break from the plate I was eating and took a look at the pool. A body was just floating there, dead, still like a statue, looking lifeless. It was like a bird in the bathtub.

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    • I see an obvious error that you should have caught.

      "I made the red velvet cupcakes have a melted texted because I personally think melted cakes taste way better."

      It's like you followed the corrections in MS Word without double-checking to see if they made any sense.

      There's no motivation. Why kill Adam? Was Adam a human being or a dog? Why did you kill that poor dog? With no motivation and no emotional connection, there is no horror.

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    • I second what the Doctor said. It's kind of random and there's no reason or rhyme for what is happening. I saw you posting other stuff here too recently, Id like to say that good writing requires time and effort to accomplish. I doubt that even established writers can pull off great content on a whim.

      Take that into account

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    • BloodySpghetti wrote: I second what the Doctor said. It's kind of random and there's no reason or rhyme for what is happening. I saw you posting other stuff here too recently, Id like to say that good writing requires time and effort to accomplish. I doubt that even established writers can pull off great content on a whim.

      Take that into account

      I know I can't pull off great or even semi-decent content on a whim. Usually, my first few drafts make me cringe. Then I'll take it to the Writer's Workshop and I will carefully ponder the advice given. More often than not, it is good advice and is correct.

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    • As it was stated above, a lot of this story is missing pieces of information. The problem I tend to find 99% of the time when I see these time-coded stories is that they jump from moment to moment and don't fill in the gaps; it's just the important events that the writer wanted to get down on paper.

      I get what the bird in the bathtub is supposed to be, what with it referencing Adam in the pool at the end, but with the story being so short and bare bones, it doesn't really pay off as a way to come full circle. Again, most of this is just stating a bunch of events: - I found bird in my bathtub, haha that's weird - I am going to pool party today - I am prepared for pool party - I am at pool party, it is fun! Adam has abs (?) and there was a hot girl - Adam is dead now, and I framed everyone else but also made the music play creepy funeral music when I killed him

      This is Telling, not Showing, and Showing making for much more interesting reading. So when the music and cupcakes are supposed to pay off in the end as actually being more sinister than initially thought, the reveal isn’t as satisfying or terrifying because there was barely any build up to said reveal. Within little over 100 words (I did a word count), you go from the first paragraph of how excited the MC is about the party, to “Adam is dead”.

      Now for the murder. Nothing about this murder makes sense and feels very gimmicky at most. If the main character didn't want to get caught, why would they put funeral music on the playlist at the time Adam would die? The police would just have to find out who put the playlist together (which the MC says was their job) and they'd have their culprit.

      And you can't say that the MC is just crazy and doesn't care if they get caught, because they actively tried to make everyone else look like the murderer with the icing from the red velvet cupcakes. Which also makes zero sense; the police would easily be able to test that the red marks on them are icing and not blood. An easier way to do this would just throw the cupcakes out of the equation; the pool water would clean the blood off of some while others might have it dripping down them, making it harder to differentiate who was in contact with the body. But then again, we have no idea how the MC killed Adam because it's not included in the story, so we have no idea how much blood has been spilled or if any got out of the pool.

      And the worst sin of it all - there's literally no motivation to the murder. With no understandable reason for MC killing Adam, there's no emotional connection, so the reader just doesn’t care that someone got offed. The only discernible possibility for a motive that I could find was that… Adam was in better shape than MC? And they wanted the hot girls to like them instead of him..? There is nothing telling us why they wanted to kill their best friend. And saying it was an accident also doesn’t work, because everything here has been premeditated with the music, the cupcakes, etc.

      I’d also complain about why this is even in a time-coded format anyways. It doesn’t aid the story in any particular way; you could just as easily remove the times and add in some transition statements so the main character can get from point A to point B and boom, no need for time codes. And yes, there are grammatical errors throughout the story that need to be corrected.

      This story is going to need a lot of work. I hope this explains why, and I wish you the best of luck.

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    • [It was like a bird in the bathtub.]

      That last line just farts all over the foreshadowing. It's like saying, "Get it?" right after delivering the punch line of a joke.

      The bird in the bathtub is a great way (clever too) to give the reader a hint or 'sinking feeling' as to what's coming later in the story, but there just isn't enough here. I hope you take the time to fully flesh this story out more. It's a good idea, but I'd nix the whole 'jealous of Adam's hecka abs' murder motive if this was my story. Good luck.

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    • Draft 2! I took most of the feedback and changed up the story a bunch.

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    • InternetDisneya,

      That's a lot better! I see distinct improvement here. You have shown motivation, background emotion, and a clear plan. We can relate.

      I think you can improve it even more. I don't like those time stamps. You can blend it together to show the passage of time for the day by using more subtle clues. Lunchtime crowd at the store, for example. It doesn't matter if it is 12:15 or 12:37, you know what a hungry crowd of office workers rushing to get their fried McCholesterol and some quick shopping look like. Likewise, it's breakfast or morning for the bird, after work traffic for the party, etc.

      Since this is a creepypasta and not a detailed murder mystery, what I am saying next probably isn't relevant. I'll say it anyway in case you do have answers for it that you may want to blend into the story. I accept the purchase of something deadly as a poison as a plot device, well enough. I can't think of anything sold in like a Walmart or a Home Depot with that degree of lethality with the exception of some pharmaceuticals or the right illegal drugs sold behind the dumpsters outside. Also, a lot of people wouldn't touch cupcakes, myself included.

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    • A FANDOM user
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