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  • Today was Tuesday. I’m currently living in Anaheim, California. I liked it there. I remember when I was young, my parents took me to Disneyworld. It was the best time ever. That was until I had a strange encounter with someone. I never knew him before and I've never seen him until today. He looked like some guy with an eyeball tattoo that was red. His pupil was weird but I couldn’t really see it due to the red eyes. He had pale skin and he wore a brownish-red robe with a hood. I thought he was a ghost or something. I don’t know. I was lucky that we got out before he could even get me. 



    I’m an adult and I’ve been having nightmares of this man. He keeps staring out my with that red eye. I wake up every time I see it. It was pretty damn scary. My wife keeps calming me down every night. She keeps saying “What’s wrong, Henry”. I say “I’m having these nightmares of a man with a red-eye appearing”. At least I’ve never seen him in the real world since I was young. I was at least 8 years old when I saw it. I tried to search it up on the internet and I found terrifying things about it. “The Pale Man” also known as “The Bloodshot Eye”. His eye was bloodshot. He also had a skull in it. He hunted down children between the ages of 7 to 12. It didn’t matter what genders they were. He would usually appear at places where children were like Disneyworld. He would lure you in and take you when your parents weren’t looking.



    What was scarier about it was it almost looked like a skeleton. Pale and white and almost like death himself. I’ve never got a glimpse of it. I was young when I saw it, so I don’t remember what it looks like. Then something that was scarier than that was when I came downstairs and checked up on my son, who was 11 years old showed me a drawing he found. It was “The Bloodshot Man”, the foul entity that was following me for years. There were words written on the bottom of it and it read, “Why did you run away from me? We could’ve played some fun games together. I was going to introduce you to my friends. You think you can hide forever but you can’t. Your son is next then your wife, then YOU!!!” My wife and son are dead. He has to die and I will kill it. Ok so I killed it, he was so easy. He didn’t even stand a chance.

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    • As I stated on your talk page, your story was deleted due to numerous punctuation, wording, coding, and plot issues. As you've made no changes or submitted a revised version, I am going to outline the errors I found to help out any other reviewers.

      Coding issues: While this is a small issue that really has little bearing on a story's deletion, it can still render text completely unreadable in certain circumstances if you use visual editor instead of source mode. Every line of your story has this coding in editor mode which can make it difficult to edit/seperate from the text of the story: "<p dir="ltr">The Image that was shown to Henry from his son</p>"

      Punctuation issues: You frequently forget to introduce dialogue with proper punctuation or use punctuation correctly in dialogue. "She keeps saying(comma/colon missing) “What’s wrong, Henry(question mark missing)”.(punctuation should not be left outside of quotations)", I say(,/:) “I’m having these nightmares of a man with a red-eye appearing(.)”.", etc.

      Wording issues: There are frequent instances of awkward wording. "At least I’ve never seen him in the real world since I was young. (Do you mean to say that the protagonist couldn't remember exact details?)", "He keeps staring out my (sic) with that red eye.", "I’ve never got a glimpse of it. I was young when I saw it,", etc. I would suggest reading your story aloud to yourself as a general rule of thumb and working on areas where you stumble or come off sounding awkward.

      Plot issues: Here's were a majority of the issues were. There were problems with a real lack of description ti build up the story. A number of lines come off as bland due to not really being descriptive or engaging. Adding some more detail to the protagonist's experience (what were they feeling, doing, etc.) would flesh out their character and help engage the audience more: "I remember when I was young, my parents took me to Disneyworld. It was the best time ever.", "He keeps staring out my with that red eye. I wake up every time I see it. It was pretty damn scary.", etc.

      Plot issues cont.: There are also a lot of redundancies in the plot where you restate points to the point that it comes off like story padding. "“The Pale Man” also known as “The Bloodshot Eye”. His eye was bloodshot.", "He has to die and I will kill it. Ok so I killed it,", etc.

      Conclusion: The ending is incredibly rushed as well. It feels like you wrote this in an hour and sped through the conclusion to the point that it comes off more like placeholder lines rather than the actual ending. "My wife and son are dead. He has to die and I will kill it. Ok so I killed it, he was so easy. He didn’t even stand a chance.  I hope he is dead otherwise he will come back and kill me."

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    • Oh my bad.

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    • As Empy stated above, this story is incredibly rushed. It also has the age old problem of Telling and not Showing, with the addition of jumping all over the place. "I saw scary man when I was a kid. Now I'm an adult and he's still watching me. He killed my son and wife, I have to get him. I got him, it was easy." There needs to be more build up, more suspense to create effective horror. Just bumping into this scary ghost man isn't enough.

      I would also bring up the feeling that this is just a vehicle for an monster OC. At least it's better than yet another teenage killer OC, but the story suffers from focusing really hard on what the creature looks like and does and nothing else, as though you're looking for fan art. There's no events that make the monster scary - we don't even get to see it DO anything, we're just told it takes kids away when their parents aren't looking.

      Slow down, take some time to flesh out your monster, and really show us what is going on in this world. And just adding the sentence "He ripped them to shreds and there was blood everywhere" is not enough. Go descriptive, add more details to make the monster more terrifying. Give us time with this story instead of blasting through all of the points as quickly as possible just to get to Monster Exposition Hour.

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    • The above issues summaries are right on.

      Gore is a bore. We don't feel anything. There is no emotion or sensation. It's like a police report of a monster attack. "Just the facts."

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    • A FANDOM user
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