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  • When I was little I every night I would have this dream. It always felt so lucid and I would never wake up in my bed. My five-year-old brain could never comprehend the primal fear it was experiencing. My twin sister never had this dream only me. We used to share a room, her bed beside the window, mine at the wall. They put me on medication but that only made it worse.

    The dream always start with me “waking up” in bed in the middle of the night. It would be so quiet that I thought I had gone deaf, until the whispering started. Slowly the whispering would get louder and the walls would begin to slowly melt, sticky black arms slowly growing, reaching out towards me. And suddenly everything had a slow stuffy feeling, like a dark magenta tint to the twisted reality.

    I would scream, but no sound would come out. I would try and try but I could never be able to. It felt like I had no lungs whatsoever. Immediately after I stated screaming, almost like a trigger, the arms would begin to shoot out towards me. I would scramble off of my bed as fast as I could, but my body felt heavy. Just fast enough to evade the arms but not fast enough to be able escape unscathed.

    After leaving my bed the whole room would suddenly start to melt into the same black sticky substance as the arms. Slowly it would collapse onto me, most of the time this would be the end of the dream. I would wake up in a cold sweat on the floor crying and screaming. My parents would come in and reassure me it wasn’t real, all just a night terror.

    A few years passed and i changed medication and I stopped having the dream. Until one night when I was ten years old. This is after my sister and I had separate rooms. We had got my day time medication dosage wrong and I was having lucid hallucinations. The first few hours I kept hearing my name being whispered by a voice that felt so real. Every time this voice said my name it sent a chill down my spine. But that was it, until one point, around midnight, the voice laughed a disturbing terrifying laugh.

    Then it all kicked off, the walls began melting into the arms. This time I didn’t scream, knowing that it would just make things worse, I just slid off my bed and ran. I could barely walk by body felt so heavy, I thought the room would collapse on me like it used to. But I managed to make it out relatively unhurt. However it didn’t end there because the voice was back.

    “oh so you want to play games little dolly?” another spine-tingling laugh came from seemingly nowhere “I’ll hide you seek!”

    Terrified I ran through the hallway, the walls slowly beginning to melt into the black molasses. I got to the end of the hallway, only for the door to open up to the hallway again, seemingly endless. That’s when I saw it. The light was on in the bathroom. Cautiously I wandered in, but as soon as I entered the light was turned off. I heard a little chuckle. It was coming from outside.

    “you can’t find what you can’t see!” it sang. It was right outside. “I’ll wait here quietly, cause you’ll never find me!” it was taunting me. I stared into the mirror, and watched my pupils dilate for an hour hoping it would go away.

    After an hour I sighed in relief, it was gone. I decided it was time to go back to bed. I took one last look in the mirror, and saw a purplish black figure standing behind me.

    “THAT’S NOT HOW YOU PLAY!” it screamed. It lunged at me and all I could do was watch.

    That’s all I remember because I think I passed out after the creature lunged at me. I woke up in a cold sweat on the bathroom floor. Dragging myself up, I stumbled into my room and curled up into a tight ball and cried.

    Five years later I’ve started hearing the voice again. In a low whisper and distanced far apart. Its calling my name. it says to come play. Last night it said something that sent a wave of terror into me.

    “this time…… you hide and I’ll seek.”

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    • The overall story suffers from capitalization issues. For example " i changed medication" the word i is not capitalized. Also, words that start dialogue should be capitalized. On top of that there are quite a few punctuation errors. I suggest using a spell checker for your next story.

      Overall, it's pretty difficult to make a Creepypasta about nightmares and hallucinations scary because there is no real reason to fear them, as they aren't even real in-universe.

      "[I] saw a purplish black figure standing behind me." I advise against using this as it is reminiscent of the much hated Sonic.exe.

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    • Oh okay. I didn't know about that last one (the sonic thing) Also my regular writing also suffers from capitalisation errors especially when not written in word. I'm working on it though.

      I was going to change the description of the monster anyway because it sounded rather flat to me anyway. I was also going to add more description to the setting as well.

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    • Hiya!

      Here are my thoughts on the story:

      To me, it seems to be lacking a certain something. Perhaps, it's in the build-up. I do like that this disembodied torturer with its arms reaching and messing with the character but I wish we got more incidents that increase interaction with the protagonist. Build upon it though to really sell its presence: does smell when it appears, how does it voice sound when talks (guttural as if backed up with phlegm, etc). Really try to sell it this thing as something you wouldn't want to be in a run at night with.

      I think more interaction might shed a little more insight on the "creature" --without completely divulging what it is-- but rather its intentions. I like mystery to a monster but it almost seems too ambiguous to the point that it doesn't really make sense. It's just happening and that's it.

      The ending could work but it didn't feel like we really achieved that true state-of-terror for the character you were trying to relay because it felt rushed. I think with more incidents sprinkled throughout a set time-period (say, a whole year, for example) and then have whatever action that makes the character overcome and believe the ordeal is over, followed by the five-year time-skip, would really sell the ending.

      As it stands, the story feels like it needs to be fleshed a bit more, so we can really connect with the character and find the situation frightening and/or frustrating until the end. Maybe, add involvement with the family some more too.

      Hope this helps!


      The next part is dedicated to some errors I noticed throughout. I made corrections and annotated them in []:

      When I was little [remove *I*] every night I would have this dream. It always felt so lucid and I would never wake up in my bed. My five-year-old brain could never comprehend the primal fear it was experiencing. My twin sister never had this dream [,] only me. We used to share a room, her bed beside the window, mine at the wall. They put me on medication but that only made it worse.

      The dream always [started] with me “waking up” in bed in the middle of the night. It would be so quiet that I thought I had gone deaf, until the whispering started. Slowly the whispering would get louder and the walls would begin to slowly melt, sticky black arms slowly growing, reaching out towards me. And suddenly everything had a slow [,] stuffy feeling, like a dark magenta tint to the twisted reality.

      I would scream, but no sound would come out. I would try and try but I could never be able to. It felt like I had no lungs whatsoever. Immediately after I [started] screaming, almost like a trigger, the arms would begin to shoot out towards me. I would scramble [out] my bed as fast as I could, but my body felt heavy. Just fast enough to evade the arms but not fast enough to be able escape unscathed.

      After leaving my bed the whole room would suddenly start to melt into the same black sticky substance as the arms. Slowly [,] it would collapse onto me [;] most of the time [,] this would be the end of the dream. I would wake up in a cold sweat on the floor crying and screaming. My parents would come in and reassure me it wasn’t real, all just a night terror.

      A few years passed and [I] changed medication and I stopped having the dream. Until one night when I was ten years old. This [was] after my sister and I had separate rooms. We had [gotten] my [daytime] medication dosage wrong and I was having lucid hallucinations. The first few hours I kept hearing my name being whispered by a voice that felt so real. Every time this voice said my name it sent a chill down my spine. But that was it, until one point, around midnight, the voice laughed a disturbing terrifying laugh.

      Then it all kicked off [:] the walls began melting into the arms. This time [,] I didn’t scream, knowing that it would just make things worse, I just slid off my bed and ran. I could barely walk [; my] body felt so heavy, I thought the room would collapse on me like it used to. But I managed to make it out relatively unhurt. However [,] it didn’t end there because the voice was back.

      “[Oh,] so you want to play games [,] little dolly?” Another spine-tingling laugh came from seemingly nowhere [.] “I’ll hide [,] you seek!”

      Terrified [,] I ran through the hallway, the walls slowly beginning to melt into the black molasses. I got to the end of the hallway, only for the door to [open-up] to the hallway again, seemingly endless. That’s when I saw it. The light was on in the bathroom. Cautiously [,] I wandered in, but as soon as I entered [,] the light was turned off. I heard a little chuckle. It was coming from outside.

      “[You] can’t find what you can’t see!” it sang. It was right outside. “I’ll wait here quietly, [‘cause] you’ll never find me!” It was taunting me. I stared into the mirror, and watched my pupils dilate for an hour hoping it would go away.

      After an hour [,] I sighed in relief[;] it was gone. I decided it was time to go back to bed. I took one last look in the mirror, and saw a purplish black figure standing behind me.

      “THAT’S NOT HOW YOU PLAY!” it screamed. It lunged at me and all I could do was watch . That’s all I remember because I think I passed out after the creature lunged at me. I woke up in a cold sweat on the bathroom floor. Dragging myself up, I stumbled into my room and curled up into a tight ball and cried.

      Five years later [,] I’ve started hearing the voice again. In a low whisper and distanced far apart. Its calling my name. [It] says to come play. Last night [,] it said something that sent a wave of terror into me.

      “[This] time…… you hide and I’ll seek.”

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    • thank you for the grammar edits! it's really appreciated

      and as for the missing somethings, thanks for the ideas! i knew that it was missing a bunch of description but i didn't know where. i will definitely add in the suggested events at the end, trying to not use clichés.

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    • This story definitely has something going on for it. It's not perfect however, something is amiss. I don't wanna say it's rushed, because it's not it. Maybe you need to establish better in your own head what it is that happens. It feels like you haven't decided for yourself what you want this to be; a monster or a hallucination. It starts off as a monster, because a hallucination (with the whole medications thing) and then it became a monster again. 

      I suggest keep it on the hallucination plain, it's kind of scarier because you can almost enterilize something like that. It doesn't have to be strickly a real life neurological disease like schizophrenia. Just make it a passing mention there is something wrong with the narrator and give them some more symptoms if you do choose this route. Look up some neuro-psychological disorders, see what they cause and try to impliment that. 

      You can always combine supernatural and medical, but that's gonna be hard to pull off effectively. Maybe cap it off with "but I did take the pills" or something when the monster shows up. 

      You definitely need to build this a bit more, expand on the plot and make us care and know the narrator better to feel for them better. 

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    • > My twin sister never had this dream only me.

      neutral observation for the moment: sort of a line that surprised me. I think the implication that the reader may have expected otherwise was unexpected. Maybe a little interesting as like, a window into the narrator's thought process. That is, lots of things are shared between twin siblings, it's maybe interesting how the narrator finds it necessary to clarify that this dream isn't one of those things? IDK poking at some thread you find in that line might enhance the protagonist as a character and make it easier to empathize with them.

      > We used to share a room, her bed beside the window, mine at the wall.

      idk why i like this layout imagery. It's the simplest thing but it's really grounding.

      > It felt like I had no lungs whatsoever.

      very tangible feeling line. I definitely have felt that before in dreams. I think the terror of it is lost, though. Perhaps try directing this unattainable scream directly at the hands, or even contrast the lack of an ability to scream with the like, ringing fear and dread the narrator is feeling. I think something like that would really emphasize the claustrophic feeling of not being able to scream and overall make the dream more impactful. just my advice

      > Immediately after I star*ted screaming, almost like a trigger, the arms would begin to shoot out towards me.

      like i imply with the previous comment, its implied the narrator cannot scream. Something about "once i started to scream" makes it unclear if this is referring to his ATTEMPT to scream, or an actual scream itself that is not dictated to us.

      > lucid hallucinations

      maybe explain what that means for the idiots in the back haha (like me)

      > The first few hours I kept hearing my name being whispered by a voice that felt so real. Every time this voice said my name it sent a chill down my spine. But that was it, until one point, around midnight, the voice laughed a disturbing terrifying laugh.

      This is all really dry and conversational. I might suggest fleshing out sequences like this one and the first dream sequence to have more of a buildup to them. You don't necessarily need complex prose for an effective horror scene, though! Simply being aware of what details you provide, and when, can be enough to unsettle the reader, and in turn make them empathize with the protagonist. When the narrator says they felt "chills down their spine" it struck me as a little un-earned. Be playful with how you reveal whats scary, and try to keep close hold over what actually creeps YOU out about the idea.

      > “O*h so you want to play games little dolly?”

      I assume this is a real rough, early draft. Just remember to be wary of capiltalization and grammar rules when formatting your dialogue especially, which seems to be where you have more trouble here

      > Terrified I ran through the hallway, the walls slowly beginning to melt into the black molasses. I got to the end of the hallway, only for the door to open up to the hallway again, seemingly endless. 

      sort of a high adrenaline sequence! Not sure I have many useful feedback at this stage, but I think you may want to assess how you write this sequence because it sort of felt, to me, like a gesture towards intensity, without really selling it.

      > “Y*ou can’t find what you can’t see!” it sang. It was right outside. “I’ll wait here quietly, cause you’ll never find me!”

      not much to say I like this line lol. Something unique and creepy in pointing out that the protagonist cannot see the being it just put a door in front of. 

      > I stared into the mirror, and watched my pupils dilate for an hour hoping it would go away.

      This observation is a result of what, I assume, is my misinterpretting this line.

      Dilated eyes are fucking terrible, I hate the image of dilated eyes. When I first read that line I assumed it meant the narrator noticed their eyes dilated and kept staring waiting for their eyes to return to normal, which is a weirdly tangible feeling emotion for a dream. Sort of a non-sequitur, considering, but dreams are full of those, lol

      > That’s all I remember because I think I passed out after the creature lunged at me. I woke up in a cold sweat on the bathroom floor. Dragging myself up, I stumbled into my room and curled up into a tight ball and cried.

      Again, just really dry, conversational prose here. "So, anyway, thats when the dream ended." You can maintain that conversational, clinical style and still keep hold of the reader, I think. Just be mindful of where, how, and when you drop threads like that one. As is, it's sort of an abrupt transition that pulled me out of the moment.

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    • I liked this story a lot, so far. It's shaping up to be really interesting stuff! I think it needs a few more rounds of rewrites, but I think you've touched on a really cool, creepy idea here with the "you seek, I'll hide" line. The idea of the terrifying nightmare entity playing hide and seek is possibly overplayed, but I didn't really expect that turn on things.

      That being said, you kind of have a lot going on here. It's a really short story but it's a little hard to punch into what the core of it is. Just in the dreams alone, you have these walls dissolving into black slime, hands reaching from everywhere, a bizarre demon who the narrator doesnt actually see, etc. And that's ignoring the baggage that comes with it being a nightmare, and then later, a hallucination.

      I think I'd suggest either fleshing these things out into a more realized, total whole, or alternatively tighten what you have by limiting the focus on the elements you found personally most interesting or scariest?

      Sorry if my feedback sounds mostly negative. I like what we have here! It's underdeveloped but quite interesting! I'd love to stay updated on its progress if you want more feedback down the line, and I'd love to leave the first comment when it's a finished story ^^

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