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  •  I really should have just waited.

     

    I closed my door as I came inside of my home, dropping my bag by the door. It had been a long day at work, and I was exhausted. The sun was setting, and most people were coming inside. Well, who wouldn’t? It wasn’t safe to be out past nightfall. I sighed, walking towards the chair sat in the middle of our living room. Our home was quiet, obvious that my girlfriend hadn’t come home yet.

    “It must be a long day with the clients.” I’d say to myself, before catching glimpse of a note, folded neatly, on the table. I smiled to myself. Josie usually left notes, rather than just texting me. She says that it’s more personal that way. I opened it up and read through it.

    ‘Hey there Sofiel! I won’t be home until late tonight, my client asked me to work overtime on this case. Don’t worry, I should be home before you go to sleep, so you can wait up for me. I love you, and see you tonight.’

    I couldn’t help but grin. It was a small, but sweet gesture. I put the note in my pocket. But, then, I heard something. It sounded like heavy footsteps, but, no one else was there. It was almost like the noise completely surrounded me, I couldn’t pinpoint where it was coming from. I stood up, looking around the living room, until I caught a glimpse of something through the window, disappearing as soon as I blinked.

    I ran towards the window, but whatever was there, is now gone. The only other living soul around was my neighbor, Mr. Lopez, sitting on his rocking chair in the lawn. I stepped back, away from the window. I was worried that our home may be being scoped out by a burglar. It wouldn’t be hard, me being a small framed woman, alone at home.

    I grabbed my phone out of my back pocket, turning it on and calling Josie. The noises of the steps had return, and I was silently begging that she would pick up. But, after a few moments, the voicemail voice had started, and I sighed.

    “Hey, Josie. Listen, I know you’re busy, but, please pick up as soon as possible. I love you.”

    Then, I hung up and put my phone back in my pocket. The footsteps hadn’t stopped. But, this time, it sounded like it was coming from our kitchen. I silently walked towards the kitchen. But, the noises had stopped. It was completely silent, and completely empty. I cautiously walked around, catching a glimpse of my orange pill bottle. It was completely empty, I hadn’t had time to get it refilled yet. I sighed, walking past it.

    Then, I saw something staring at me through the window by the sink. It’s hard to miss it, the bright, almost unnatural green eyes stared through the dark surroundings. The shade of green eyes was completely different from mine, or any other green eyes I’ve seen. My eyes were forest green, but those eyes were neon, like a flashing open sign lighting up a dark storefront.

    But, before I knew it, those eyes were gone. I felt uneasy, because now I knew that someone or something was watching me. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket, this time calling my Mama.

    “Mamá, please pick up” I silently said to myself. After a few moments, I heard her voice, but, it was her voicemail. I started to tear up. I felt helpless, I had no one to turn to. The footsteps had begun again, as well as the sound of scratching class, as if it we’re trying to get in. This time, it sounded like it was coming from our bedroom.  I took a moment to put myself back together, and get my courage up, I started to walk to my bedroom cautiously.

    I stepped into my room, prepared to find the creature that had been stalking me. From the corner of my eye, I saw something scratching on my window. I turned towards it, taking a good look at its appearance. It was about the size of a large dog, maybe bigger. With its canine-like appearance, as well as the spikes coming from the back of its spine, it looked exactly like an El Chupacabra. That is, except for its large, green, cat-like eyes.

    I took a step back, as the scratching continued. It was trying desperately to get inside, and I didn’t think it would stop. I had no idea why it was coming after me; El Chupacabras typically ate the blood of goats, and occasionally a household pet. The only thing was, me and Josie didn’t have any pets.

    I ran into the living room, trying to ignore the scratching I heard. I ran towards the nightstand that held mine and Josie’s gun. It was there to protect us, since my neighborhood isn’t the safest, and I needed it more than ever. The scratching had stopped, but I knew that it hadn’t gone away. I held the weapon by my side, prepared to defend myself.

    I walked towards the window; the same window from where I first saw the creature. Just as I had expected, the El Chupacabra ran at me, trying to claw its way through the window. I sighed, gaining all my strength to go through with this. I aimed my gun at the creature, put my finger on the trigger, and shot three times. I watched as the glass of my window shattered, the protection from the El Chupacabra disappearing. Luckily, I watched the creature fall with a thud, and sighed. I ran my fingers through my long black hair, and just took it all in.

    Only a few moments later, Josie ran inside, looking like a panicking mess,

    “Sofiel, what did you do!” She demanded an answer, practically yelling. I was confused, was she upset because of the broken window?

    “What do you mean? I defended myself from that creature!” I responded, capturing the same tone as she did. She looked at me like I was crazy. She walked up to me and grabbed me by the arm, and started to drag me towards the door.

    “What are you doing!” I asked, needing an answer. She didn’t respond, continuing to harshly drag me outside. There was a certain anger in her eyes, demanding justice, must like how she looks when she’s talking to me about a case at work she’s passionate about. As she dragged me towards the side of the yard, I saw the glass of the shattered window, but no corpse of the creature, as well as no blood. I knew something was off. In all the stories I read of the El Chupacabra, they described it as a physical being, not supernatural at all.

    Then, Josie let go of me. She glared at me, then pointed to the neighbor’s porch. There, was Mr. Lopez, unmoving on his chair. Three gunshot wounds, fresh, in his chest. I looked in terror at what I had apparently done.

    “W..What? But, I shot the El Chupacabra!” I exclaimed, beginning to panic. She stared at me, before asking

    “Sofiel, did you take your medication?” I didn’t respond. I was panicking. I had accidentally killed someone, and for all I knew, Josie had already called 911.

    “Sofiel, did you take your schizophrenia medication! Answer me!”  But, I still didn’t answer. I contemplated what was going to happen. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I was hallucinating. I was hearing sounds that weren’t there. I was creating a scenario that didn’t exist, and that cost Mr. Lopez his life.

    And, before I knew it, I was running

    I couldn’t tell what I was running from. Maybe I was running from my responsibilities. But, I needed to get away. My adrenaline was kicking in, and I was running faster than I ever had before. It was hard to tell where I was going, it was dark, and the farther I ran away from the neighborhood, the less light to illuminate my path.

    As I continued to run, I thought of what would happen If I just accepted my fate, and stopped right there. I knew that Josie wouldn’t excuse my actions; she was a woman of justice. I remember when she used to rant to me about her latest client and their case. I miss that. Being a lawyer, she’s seen a lot of injustice. I’ve seen a lot of injustice as well.

    I remember when I was young, my Papa got arrested for murder, sentenced to 50 years. But I know he didn’t deserve that. He murdered that woman to protect our home and family, but, despite that, thanks to the horrible lawyer we got, as well as the majority of the jury being biased and thinking any violence against woman, no matter the situation, is wrong and a crime, was taken away from me and my Mama. I didn’t want to be taken away from my Mama like Papa was.

    Before I knew it, I was on top of a hill, behind me an empty valley. The city that seemed so large was below me. It was like I was on top of it all. I was exhausted, and I needed a break from all the running. The pounding of my heart mimicking the footsteps of the creature that felt so real. But, on top of that hill, I felt at peace, knowing that even if I was being hunted down by the police, I would have awhile to rest.

    Present

    I’m still hiding out, not wanting to be found by the police. I’m writing this story so that people know what I saw, how I felt, and they won’t take it with bias, knowing I killed someone, especially someone they knew. I know that there’s a good chance I’ll be found, but even so, I want to stay away from prison for as long as possible. I miss what I had before, and I regret what I did, even if it wasn’t exactly my fault. I also occasionally see an El Chupacabra scratching around, presumably searching for a small creature to eat. I know it isn’t real, but I’ll still start crying, remembering that night that seems so long ago.

    I miss Josie, I miss Mama, and I miss what I had before. But, I know that will be something I’ll never get back.

    I wish I had just waited

     I really should have just waited.

     

    I closed my door as I came inside of my home, dropping my bag by the door. It had been a long day at work, and I was exhausted. The sun was setting, and most people were coming inside. Well, who wouldn’t? It wasn’t safe to be out past nightfall. I sighed, walking towards the chair sat in the middle of our living room. Our home was quiet, obvious that my girlfriend hadn’t come home yet.

    “It must be a long day with the clients.” I’d say to myself, before catching glimpse of a note, folded neatly, on the table. I smiled to myself. Josie usually left notes, rather than just texting me. She says that it’s more personal that way. I opened it up and read through it.

    ‘Hey there Sofiel! I won’t be home until late tonight, my client asked me to work overtime on this case. Don’t worry, I should be home before you go to sleep, so you can wait up for me. I love you, and see you tonight.’

    I couldn’t help but grin. It was a small, but sweet gesture. I put the note in my pocket. But, then, I heard something. It sounded like heavy footsteps, but, no one else was there. It was almost like the noise completely surrounded me, I couldn’t pinpoint where it was coming from. I stood up, looking around the living room, until I caught a glimpse of something through the window, disappearing as soon as I blinked.

    I ran towards the window, but whatever was there, is now gone. The only other living soul around was my neighbor, Mr. Lopez, sitting on his rocking chair in the lawn. I stepped back, away from the window. I was worried that our home may be being scoped out by a burglar. It wouldn’t be hard, me being a small framed woman, alone at home.

    I grabbed my phone out of my back pocket, turning it on and calling Josie. The noises of the steps had return, and I was silently begging that she would pick up. But, after a few moments, the voicemail voice had started, and I sighed.

    “Hey, Josie. Listen, I know you’re busy, but, please pick up as soon as possible. I love you.”

    Then, I hung up and put my phone back in my pocket. The footsteps hadn’t stopped. But, this time, it sounded like it was coming from our kitchen. I silently walked towards the kitchen. But, the noises had stopped. It was completely silent, and completely empty. I cautiously walked around, catching a glimpse of my orange pill bottle. It was completely empty, I hadn’t had time to get it refilled yet. I sighed, walking past it.

    Then, I saw something staring at me through the window by the sink. It’s hard to miss it, the bright, almost unnatural green eyes stared through the dark surroundings. The shade of green eyes was completely different from mine, or any other green eyes I’ve seen. My eyes were forest green, but those eyes were neon, like a flashing open sign lighting up a dark storefront.

    But, before I knew it, those eyes were gone. I felt uneasy, because now I knew that someone or something was watching me. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket, this time calling my Mama.

    “Mamá, please pick up” I silently said to myself. After a few moments, I heard her voice, but, it was her voicemail. I started to tear up. I felt helpless, I had no one to turn to. The footsteps had begun again, as well as the sound of scratching class, as if it we’re trying to get in. This time, it sounded like it was coming from our bedroom.  I took a moment to put myself back together, and get my courage up, I started to walk to my bedroom cautiously.

    I stepped into my room, prepared to find the creature that had been stalking me. From the corner of my eye, I saw something scratching on my window. I turned towards it, taking a good look at its appearance. It was about the size of a large dog, maybe bigger. With its canine-like appearance, as well as the spikes coming from the back of its spine, it looked exactly like an El Chupacabra. That is, except for its large, green, cat-like eyes.

    I took a step back, as the scratching continued. It was trying desperately to get inside, and I didn’t think it would stop. I had no idea why it was coming after me; El Chupacabras typically ate the blood of goats, and occasionally a household pet. The only thing was, me and Josie didn’t have any pets.

    I ran into the living room, trying to ignore the scratching I heard. I ran towards the nightstand that held mine and Josie’s gun. It was there to protect us, since my neighborhood isn’t the safest, and I needed it more than ever. The scratching had stopped, but I knew that it hadn’t gone away. I held the weapon by my side, prepared to defend myself.

    I walked towards the window; the same window from where I first saw the creature. Just as I had expected, the El Chupacabra ran at me, trying to claw its way through the window. I sighed, gaining all my strength to go through with this. I aimed my gun at the creature, put my finger on the trigger, and shot three times. I watched as the glass of my window shattered, the protection from the El Chupacabra disappearing. Luckily, I watched the creature fall with a thud, and sighed. I ran my fingers through my long black hair, and just took it all in.

    Only a few moments later, Josie ran inside, looking like a panicking mess,

    “Sofiel, what did you do!” She demanded an answer, practically yelling. I was confused, was she upset because of the broken window?

    “What do you mean? I defended myself from that creature!” I responded, capturing the same tone as she did. She looked at me like I was crazy. She walked up to me and grabbed me by the arm, and started to drag me towards the door.

    “What are you doing!” I asked, needing an answer. She didn’t respond, continuing to harshly drag me outside. There was a certain anger in her eyes, demanding justice, must like how she looks when she’s talking to me about a case at work she’s passionate about. As she dragged me towards the side of the yard, I saw the glass of the shattered window, but no corpse of the creature, as well as no blood. I knew something was off. In all the stories I read of the El Chupacabra, they described it as a physical being, not supernatural at all.

    Then, Josie let go of me. She glared at me, then pointed to the neighbor’s porch. There, was Mr. Lopez, unmoving on his chair. Three gunshot wounds, fresh, in his chest. I looked in terror at what I had apparently done.

    “W..What? But, I shot the El Chupacabra!” I exclaimed, beginning to panic. She stared at me, before asking

    “Sofiel, did you take your medication?” I didn’t respond. I was panicking. I had accidentally killed someone, and for all I knew, Josie had already called 911.

    “Sofiel, did you take your schizophrenia medication! Answer me!”  But, I still didn’t answer. I contemplated what was going to happen. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I was hallucinating. I was hearing sounds that weren’t there. I was creating a scenario that didn’t exist, and that cost Mr. Lopez his life.

    And, before I knew it, I was running

    I couldn’t tell what I was running from. Maybe I was running from my responsibilities. But, I needed to get away. My adrenaline was kicking in, and I was running faster than I ever had before. It was hard to tell where I was going, it was dark, and the farther I ran away from the neighborhood, the less light to illuminate my path.

    As I continued to run, I thought of what would happen If I just accepted my fate, and stopped right there. I knew that Josie wouldn’t excuse my actions; she was a woman of justice. I remember when she used to rant to me about her latest client and their case. I miss that. Being a lawyer, she’s seen a lot of injustice. I’ve seen a lot of injustice as well.

    I remember when I was young, my Papa got arrested for murder, sentenced to 50 years. But I know he didn’t deserve that. He murdered that woman to protect our home and family, but, despite that, thanks to the horrible lawyer we got, as well as the majority of the jury being biased and thinking any violence against woman, no matter the situation, is wrong and a crime, was taken away from me and my Mama. I didn’t want to be taken away from my Mama like Papa was.

    Before I knew it, I was on top of a hill, behind me an empty valley. The city that seemed so large was below me. It was like I was on top of it all. I was exhausted, and I needed a break from all the running. The pounding of my heart mimicking the footsteps of the creature that felt so real. But, on top of that hill, I felt at peace, knowing that even if I was being hunted down by the police, I would have awhile to rest.

    Present

    I’m still hiding out, not wanting to be found by the police. I’m writing this story so that people know what I saw, how I felt, and they won’t take it with bias, knowing I killed someone, especially someone they knew. I know that there’s a good chance I’ll be found, but even so, I want to stay away from prison for as long as possible. I miss what I had before, and I regret what I did, even if it wasn’t exactly my fault. I also occasionally see an El Chupacabra scratching around, presumably searching for a small creature to eat. I know it isn’t real, but I’ll still start crying, remembering that night that seems so long ago.

    I miss Josie, I miss Mama, and I miss what I had before. But, I know that will be something I’ll never get back.

    I wish I had just waited



    (Small side note, this is my first creepypasta, and I want to keep it from being a Crappypasta, so any corrections or suggestions are highly appreciated <3)

      Loading editor
    • I think you have a really good idea going and I really like what you've written, I think it's great for your very first creepypasta. I can say that writing is... well... hard, haha. What I've noticed most is your over-use of commas and repetition of words and sentence openers. In this case I've noticed a lot of "But" and "Then" being used which is a habit that I myself fall into all the time so I know how hard it is to catch yourself doing it. I also see a lot of your sentences start with "I". I also do this frequently (as you can probably tell from this comment alone XD) so I can readily say it's easy to do. I think fleshing out the sentences a bit more can help to remedy using the same words over and over again. You can also sometimes re-arrange the sentence or change some of the wording. All that being said, you don't want the sentence to become a run-on so just be careful with how you flesh it out and keep an eye on how the sentence looks. If it doesn't look right to you you can always change it. Everyone has their own writing style so keep in mind that you don't have to force your writing to be something it's not. <3 You really do have a good start and with a little refining and fleshing out I think it has real potential. I don't see it becoming a Crappypasta because it's not poorly written nor is it a bad concept it just needs a little tweaking and tuning. :] Nobody is perfect so just remember that what matters most in writing or any other art form is your passion for it and whether or not you're happy with the finished product! You can't always satisfy everyone, so the real focus should be on making yourself happy! As long as you like the final product yourself, you've already accomplished something great! <3 Also keep in mind that writing, as with everything in life, takes practice! Nobody wakes up one day writing best-seller novels! Don't let anyone make you feel discouraged. Stand your ground and keep writing no matter what because that's how you'll get better and better! I hope my notes can help you even if only a little bit. Keep at it!

        Loading editor
    • Thank you <3. I'll be sure to keep your points in mind. I didnn't even notice how many times I used the same opener, so I'll be sure to tweak some of those so it's not repetitive. Again, thank you, I appreciate the encouragement!

        Loading editor
    • "“It must be a long day with the clients.” I’d say to myself,"

      Use a comma not a period at the end of the quote. Also, I'd say isn't correct. It'd be I said. I'd say means I would say, and that sounds weird.

      "‘Hey there Sofiel! I won’t be home until late tonight, my client asked me to work overtime on this case. Don’t worry, I should be home before you go to sleep, so you can wait up for me. I love you, and see you tonight.’"

      This is far too wordy. It could be "Hey Sofiel, I had to work late tonight. I should be home before you go to sleep, so I'll see you then. Love you." The way it is written seems forced, and unnatural, at least for writing. Most people use poor grammar when they speak, but don't translate that into your writing for the most part. It is distracting and pulls the reader out of the story.

      Another thing that I've noticed already is the flow of this story. It's very choppy. There are far too many words that aren't needed. In the first paragraph there are a bunch wordy sentences. Below is the first paragraph along with a way to make it flow better.

      "I closed my door as I came inside of my home, dropping my bag by the door. It had been a long day at work, and I was exhausted. The sun was setting, and most people were coming inside. Well, who wouldn’t? It wasn’t safe to be out past nightfall. I sighed, walking towards the chair sat in the middle of our living room. Our home was quiet, obvious that my girlfriend hadn’t come home yet."

      I dropped my bag by the door, as I came in my house. I was exhausted from a long day at work. Most people were already inside, and why wouldn't they be? It isn't safe to be out in the dark. I sighed as I sat in my chair. The house was quiet, obviously my girlfriend wasn't home yet.

      Yes, it makes the paragraph shorter, but it also reads smoother. I don't care that the chair is in the middle of the living room. Granted I haven't read the entire story, and I'm too tired to tonight, but all those words kill the flow. If it isn't important to the story, cut it. Try to tighten up your sentences, and make them feel natural. If someone is going to be talking, try to make them sound like a real person would talk. If they're a fast talker, make it known that they are a fast talker, don't omit punctuation. If it's a note, write it like a note, most people just jot down what they want quickly, they aren't trying to write a novel. Granted, the note that was left wasn't that long, but it was far too wordy, even for people in love.

      Also, when you look at the first sentence and the note, the two things I focused on the most so far, it's just repeating the same information. Girlfriend isn't home, most likely at work. Cut all that stuff from the first paragraph and have the reader learn it as the narrator does. It would get the reader more invested.

      Once you got a feel for that, go through the rest of the story and fix any more problems you see that look like that, and it'll help the story a lot.

        Loading editor
    • Story doesn't make much sense, why would Sofiel decide to run away in fear of the police? He'll get locked if he's caught by the police since he is clearly insane. Given that Schizophrenia is managable, he'll be out in a relatively short period of time. Ed Gein never got treated for his Schizophrenia that's why he remained in the hospital until he died. This guy would've been treated and gotten out. 

      Also, schizophrenia doesn't look like that. You don't simply hallucinate things, and when you do (if, some don't even hallucinate at all), the more common type of hallucinations are auditory not visual. A bigger hallmark of the disease is distorted train of thought and speech. Sofiel speaks way too coherently to have schizophrenia and his thinking is way to sound. He should be thinking "I shot el chupacabra... see... here it is... bananas... there, there's el chupacabras body". Quite literally be all over the place in his head. 

      I can't really describe from the top of my head how the distorted speech looks like but he basically should be losing his words, speaking gibberish or making up sentences that make no senfgjhghhfd like you in the morning of a sunday nigfkjhdjt what?!

      ^ like that, kind of. 

      Another big hallmark of schizophrenia is delusions, in Sofiel's case, he has a paranoid delusion of being followed around (by a monster) he doesn't act that paranoid however.

      So yeah, you should do some research on the subject. 

        Loading editor
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