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  • I've been running this by my peers and could use further opinion on where the strengths/weaknesses are. Lemme know if there's problems viewing the document and I'll try to fix it up in my spare time: https://docs.google.com/document/d/11u8pBFrBQ0_07XCsIkRlFEj_L1DSFl-vxMqAjESZcx8/edit?usp=sharing



    Spoiler of Core concept: A creature that feeds off people and the art they leave behind on walls inhabits an abandoned Chicago railway.

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    • Why did you post a link and not the story?

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    • JohnathanNash wrote:
      Why did you post a link and not the story?

      Busy with stuff, didn't have time to format it properly. Plus I saw other people post links to their respective external documents, so I didn't see anything wrong with it

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    • Jake, the story is good. It's pretty good, plotwise doesn't have too much problems other than a weird ass pacing that I couldn't understand. Other than that it's pretty good. Maybe the pacing was fine but the thing that is horribly wrong here is your insistence on using the wrong person to narrate with. Second person here doesn't work at all. I don't believe I am "you" (or you, given the chicago and the sort of speech the character uses) I get it, some authors used it. Here it's awkward and feels like you're trying to tell me to remember "tis fiction bruh" every second sentence. 

      A second person speech works well in horror when the situation is either really well descriped to the point where the reader has no choice but to be convinced they are indeed part of the story or when the plot is an easily relatable one, something like the every day routine going wrong sort of story. 

      Get rid of the second person adressing and kill some of the jargon. You speak weird (at least online) and it'll be muy bueno. 

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    • BloodySpghetti wrote: Jake, the story is good. It's pretty good, plotwise doesn't have too much problems other than a weird ass pacing that I couldn't understand. Other than that it's pretty good. Maybe the pacing was fine but the thing that is horribly wrong here is your insistence on using the wrong person to narrate with. Second person here doesn't work at all. I don't believe I am "you" (or you, given the chicago and the sort of speech the character uses) I get it, some authors used it. Here it's awkward and feels like you're trying to tell me to remember "tis fiction bruh" every second sentence. 

      A second person speech works well in horror when the situation is either really well descriped to the point where the reader has no choice but to be convinced they are indeed part of the story or when the plot is an easily relatable one, something like the every day routine going wrong sort of story. 

      Get rid of the second person adressing and kill some of the jargon. You speak weird (at least online) and it'll be muy bueno. 

      I started off wanting the plot twist to be that the creature, being able to absorb memories, ended up narrating the events of the last few hours of the protagonist. I’m not quite sure how to fix that, other than change it to third person and just pretend there isn’t a monster narrating it up until the twist, where it switches to second? Would that work?

      As for it being a self insert/having weird jargon, that wasn’t really my intent. Not sure what wording was weird anyway. I have a flowery writing style but I try not to go overboard and channel Lovecraft’s overly-prosey spirit.

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    • William See wrote:

      BloodySpghetti wrote: Jake, the story is good. It's pretty good, plotwise doesn't have too much problems other than a weird ass pacing that I couldn't understand. Other than that it's pretty good. Maybe the pacing was fine but the thing that is horribly wrong here is your insistence on using the wrong person to narrate with. Second person here doesn't work at all. I don't believe I am "you" (or you, given the chicago and the sort of speech the character uses) I get it, some authors used it. Here it's awkward and feels like you're trying to tell me to remember "tis fiction bruh" every second sentence. 

      A second person speech works well in horror when the situation is either really well descriped to the point where the reader has no choice but to be convinced they are indeed part of the story or when the plot is an easily relatable one, something like the every day routine going wrong sort of story. 

      Get rid of the second person adressing and kill some of the jargon. You speak weird (at least online) and it'll be muy bueno. 

      I started off wanting the plot twist to be that the creature, being able to absorb memories, ended up narrating the events of the last few hours of the protagonist. I’m not quite sure how to fix that, other than change it to third person and just pretend there isn’t a monster narrating it up until the twist, where it switches to second? Would that work?

      As for it being a self insert/having weird jargon, that wasn’t really my intent. Not sure what wording was weird anyway. I have a flowery writing style but I try not to go overboard and channel Lovecraft’s overly-prosey spirit.

      I unno, the narrator being the moster kind of didn't click. Maybe make it a wee bit obvious somewhere along the way, add in some "I did, I saw" sort of thing. 

      I thought the whole thing of the monster here was to flay people for shits and giggles us mere mortals don't understand. 

      Don't try to be Lovecraft, you ain't him. Maybe if you fall on your head a few times. Do 'yer own ting 

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    • BloodySpghetti wrote:
      William See wrote:

      BloodySpghetti wrote: Jake, the story is good. It's pretty good, plotwise doesn't have too much problems other than a weird ass pacing that I couldn't understand. Other than that it's pretty good. Maybe the pacing was fine but the thing that is horribly wrong here is your insistence on using the wrong person to narrate with. Second person here doesn't work at all. I don't believe I am "you" (or you, given the chicago and the sort of speech the character uses) I get it, some authors used it. Here it's awkward and feels like you're trying to tell me to remember "tis fiction bruh" every second sentence. 

      A second person speech works well in horror when the situation is either really well descriped to the point where the reader has no choice but to be convinced they are indeed part of the story or when the plot is an easily relatable one, something like the every day routine going wrong sort of story. 

      Get rid of the second person adressing and kill some of the jargon. You speak weird (at least online) and it'll be muy bueno. 

      I started off wanting the plot twist to be that the creature, being able to absorb memories, ended up narrating the events of the last few hours of the protagonist. I’m not quite sure how to fix that, other than change it to third person and just pretend there isn’t a monster narrating it up until the twist, where it switches to second? Would that work?

      As for it being a self insert/having weird jargon, that wasn’t really my intent. Not sure what wording was weird anyway. I have a flowery writing style but I try not to go overboard and channel Lovecraft’s overly-prosey spirit.

      I unno, the narrator being the moster kind of didn't click. Maybe make it a wee bit obvious somewhere along the way, add in some "I did, I saw" sort of thing. 

      I thought the whole thing of the monster here was to flay people for shits and giggles us mere mortals don't understand. 

      Don't try to be Lovecraft, you ain't him. Maybe if you fall on your head a few times. Do 'yer own ting 

      Alright

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