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  • It was a glummy mornig and Mai woke up to the sound of an alram as loud as a hawk she covered her ears and whispered "What the I had it on low..."

    She then got up and streched getting ready to go anywere from there she hated life she hated the fact she had to live this life a life of despar her mother and father left her sending her to her aunt and uncle her they both hate her. She knows every mean thing they will call her the scedual is easy to spot.

    She walked out of her room and went down the stairs and down into there gorage "Let me see" she looked around she stopped by a motercycel... "this will do" She said as she hopped on it starting it and driveing off deeper into the woods....

    After five hours Obsidian stops and to her it feels like time has stopped no nosie is being made other than the river off the road...

    she gets off and heads over there. Once she is there she sit's down right next to the river and thinks alot....

    "Why dose this happen to me!!" "Why am I eve staying here to play there game I could end it right here right now.." "NO I will live to beat them even if it means hurting them-" "What the?!" She screamed "why am I thinking that?!" She got up and ran back to the motorcycle and drove back to there house and went into the kitchen were her Aunt was...

    she was chopping things up for there lunch with there neboirghs... she then noticed the knife right next to the sink... "Maybe I could just..." "No stop thinkig that" Mai thought "Hey Aunt how are you?" Mai asked she didn't answer Mai turned to the stairs and walked up to her room. she closed the door and locked it she sat on her bed with no fram...

    "Why don't they love me!" "I try to be there wonderful neics...." "I try to-" 

    "MAI YOU HAVE A CALL!" Mai's aunt yelled "okay" Mai said when she got down she took the phone and asked "Hello.." it answered "Hi there gfdj fs wkoda at 3:00 a.m." then it hug up 

    she gave back the phone to her aunt and went back to her room gentaly falling asleep

    30 mintues later she woke up to yelling and a sharp pain in her hip and back...

    "HOW DARE YOU NOT SHOW UP!!" 

    end of chapter one!!

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    • if you have any question just ask me please

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    • First of all, I will say this: This story's grammatical structure is so bad I can barely look at it. Sorry, but it's the truth. I will give you some examples: 

      "It was a glummy mornig and Mai woke up to the sound of an alram as loud as a hawk she covered her ears and whispered "What the I had it on low..."

      I would change it to "It was a glommy morning and Mai woke up to the sound of an alarm as loud as a hawk. She covered her ears and whispered, "What the I had it on low...".

      There are even more grammar mistakes as the story goes on. Along with that, the spelling is absolutely horrendous and I most definitely want you to check your spelling. 

      "She then got up and streched getting ready to go anywere from there she hated life she hated the fact she had to live this life a life of despar her mother and father left her sending her to her aunt and uncle her they both hate her. She knows every mean thing they will call her the scedual is easy to spot.

      She walked out of her room and went down the stairs and down into there gorage "Let me see" she looked around she stopped by a motercycel... "this will do" She said as she hopped on it starting it and driveing off deeper into the woods...."

      Should be more like (grammar wise): 

      She then got up and stretched getting ready to go places. She hated life, and she hated the fact she had to live this life. A life of despair as her mother and father left her. Sending her to her aunt and uncle. They both hate her. She knows every mean thing they will call her when they get the chance to do so. 

      She walked out of her room and went down the stairs and down into there garage. 

      "Let me see" she said as she looked around she stopped by a motorcycle. 

      "This will do" she said as she hopped on it starting it and driving off deeper into the woods.


      Secondly, your plot moves way too fast. Explain why she hated life so much other than her aunt and uncle hating her. Explain why her parents sent her off. Explain as much as you can because I was stumped while reading this. You cannot continuously go through the story without explaining to the reader because thats what we want to hear. What I hear from this is the classic "She hated her life, the end". 

      Thirdly, this is way too short, even for one part of the entire story. Consider putting more effort into this. Put it into Google docs, notes, anything! Put time and care into pastas. 

      Unless this story drastically improves in quality, there is no way it can survive on the wiki without deletion.

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    • thank you, 

      You onesly did not get the fact that I am still learning. Iam just so Girl trying to get better. Also you probly dont know this cause I did not say this but this is the origanal a story I wrote at 6...

      I am trying to get the same affect of when I first wrote it.  The reason its so short is cause back then I was a little girl who didn't know the differnts of what a chapter ad a page was....

      I can start over if thats what you want!! I do hate this myself but being tired and writing dont mix otherwise I would have made it better longer and more to your aproval.

      Thank you for your feedback

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    • Even if you are trying to learn, you still should fix your many spelling errors even in your reply. I can tell the English is not your first language and you are not able to spell correctly. 

      Also, even  though I do not know your age, but I can tell that you may be underaged. Unless you have a learning disability (which I can also help you with), you shouldn't be getting this wrong. You said you wrote this as the age of 6. However, your grammar and spelling did not change in 7 years (if you're 13). I find that hard to believe unless you have trouble with this unless you don't know English well or you are having some difficulty learning language. 

      If you are having trouble with this spelling because English is not your first language, I can help you in the areas of French, Spanish, and Chinese. 

      If you have difficulty learning English or if you have a learning difficulty and you have came to this wiki to learn better, I can direct you to an admin. 

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    • I found out that you have a blog which states that your sister found this place for you at the age of five. However, you joined just recently. Therefore I can see that you might be aged from 5-6 years old. If so you should not be here because this site requires users to be 13 years of age or up if you read the rules.

      Other than that, good day. 

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    • You should fix your english first.

      The plot is just some girl hating her life, well that's no bueno. 

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    • A FANDOM user
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