It was in the middle of August when it was my first day of high school in Lincoln, Nebraska, where my family had just moved. My dad was a businessman, so we often had to move. People at my temporary school were treating me with respect since I was the new kid, so my school days were of to a pretty good start. The school is hosting it's 13th annual fall dance, so I wanted to go. My parents said that it depended on how they feel. Bummer. Why? Because my dad is working extra hard so he could get enough money to take us to Disneyland. When it was time to go to 1st period, I noticed something behind the trees. It was a girl that was 16 years old. She had pale skin, ginger hair that was straight and to her top back, freckles, and brown eyes. The thing that concerned me about her was her body. It was thin as if she hadn't ate anything. I decided to greet her with a warm and friendly, "Hello."
She jumped up. "Uh, hi.", she staggered. "I'm new here. My name's Alissa. What's yours?", I questioned. "The name's Winona, but you can call me Winnie if you like.", she informed me. "I like your nails.", I commented. "Thanks. They're bleach-blue.", Winona replied. "What hall do you go to for 1st period?", I asked. "Oh. Let me see.", she added while she pulled out a sheet of paper from her binder. "I go to the south hall." she informed. "Oh well that's too bad because I go to east hall.", I told her. "We better go before we're marked tardy." Winona cautioned. "Yeah, uh, catch you later. It was nice meeting you. Are we friends?", I asked in deep thought. "Yes.", she answered with a smile. After that, we shook hands and went to class. Days past by as we had fun together, joked, had conversations, and made memories.
At last, today was the fall dance, and it was going to last from 6:00 to 8:30. I asked Winnie if she was going, and she said with an uncertain maybe. I was looking forward to going to the dance, so my mom answered with a yes. I was getting dressed for the dance, then ate dinner, then my mom drove me to my school. As I entered in the cafeteria, the place looked cool. At the entrance, there was a scarecrow, and there were glow-in-the-dark balloons, along with lights and projections that lit-up the dark room. Everyone looked like they were having a good time as they talked and danced. I then saw Winnie sitting on a bench inside looking disappointed. I then sneaked up behind her and scared her. She jumped up and, then we she noticed it was me, we both laughed. "I'm so glad you're here!" she exclaimed happily. "Yeah. So, how's the party going?" , I inquired. "Now that you're here, I'm doing great." she said with that same sweet smile. "So, you want candy? It's on me. ", I implied. "No, I'm good." she explained. "You sure? They have chocolate if you don't want anything fruity." , I informed. "I'm not hungry." , she fibbed. "Okay." , I added.
As I was on my way to the concession stand, I noticed something off. There was a group of girls going towards Winona. Not only that, but they were talking to her with cruel expressions on their faces. I then returned with a pack of Sour Patch Kids in my hand. "Where's your sister now, Winona?!" , one of them snapped. "I already told you that she's in Heaven, so back off, Zarina.", Winona said calmly. "Oh, is she? Cause the last time I checked, she was with all the other dudes in Hell." , Zarina retorted. "Just leave me alone, okay." , Winnie cried. "Nobody likes you because of your FAT body!" , Zarina yelled. Most of the people were gathering around, enjoying every moment of the dreaded query. I rushed to my friend to accompany her of this situation. "Winnie, I think we should go." , I insisted. "The only reason why my sister killed herself was because of you bitches!" , Winnie yelled. Everything went silent. Winnie ran off, crying. I quickly followed her outside. "This is all my fault. I should have stopped my sister when I had the chance." , Winnie sobbed. "No. None of this is your fault." , I told her. "You don't understand." ,Winnie said to me. "Yes I do. Look, even though I never experienced this pain, I still understand. I'm your friend." I said. "Best friends?" ,Winnie asked as she wiped her tears and smiled. "Best friends." ,I told her. That night we decided to take a walk outside.
I knew our friendship would last forever, but what I didn't know was that Winona wasn't going to live long. We were walking together, hand in hand. Winnie stumbled. "Woah." ,Winnie interjected. "You okay?" ,I questioned. "Yeah,I'm fine." ,Winona answered. "Maybe we should go back." I insisted. " With the mean girls there? No thank you. ", she stated. "Please, you need to just eat something." I informed her. "I said I'm fine! ", she shouted. Before I knew it, she fell head-first on the cement. "Winnie?!" , I called. There was blood on her head. "Oh my God, you're bleeding!" ,I panicked. I quickly picked her up. While I was rushing inside, I've noticed how light she was, which made me even more distressed. "Help! Somebody call the ambulance!" ,I demanded. One of the staff picked up their phone and dialed 911. A couple of minutes later the, ambulance arrived and took Winona to the hospital. I asked if I could ride along with her, but the doctors didn't allow it.
Minutes passed, and then before I knew it, I was in a hospital room with Winnie. Her parents were there, too. They had a sad look on their faces. "So, you're her friend who got her into this mess." , her mother concluded. "I had no choice. She was getting -" ,before I could finish, her mom interrupted me.
"Zip it, I had enough of you thinking that you have every right to separate me and my only daughter left from me!" , she yelled. I was then shoved out of the room by her father. Heartbroken, I looked through the window. Then her parents left her there. Some good parents they are. When they were gone, I entered in the room. I heard a weak "Hi" from Winnie. "I'm so glad you're alive!" , I cheered. We were talking, but then after that, her heart rate started to rise at impossible rates. "Oh no. Please don't die." , I pleaded. "I can't live too long, ya know." ,she said.
"No, you can't do this to me! You can't!" , I exclaimed. "Goodbye, Alissa. See you later." , Winnie said while she smiled. "Goodbye." ,I said with tears. Then, she took her last breath.
Years went on, and days had gone by as memories of Winnie danced in my head. I was tired, so I decided to watch the news. A breaking-news report came on the tv screen. It was about these four women who were drunk and decided to jump off a bridge to their doom. They were not just any random women, they were actually Zarina and her friends. Not only that, but how Winona's sister committed suicide was by jumping off a bridge. As I looked at the woods behind the news reporter, I noticed something very odd. It was Winnie smiling and waving at the camera. So, if you see Winnie, treat her with respect, or else you, yourself, might suffer a great consequence.
It was in the middle of August when it was my first day of high school in Lincoln, Nebraska, where my family had just moved. My dad was a businessman, so we often had to move. People at my temporary school were treating me with respect since I was the new kid, so my school days were of to a pretty good start. The school is [was] hosting it's [its] 13th annual fall dance, so I wanted to go. My parents said that it depended on how they feel. Bummer. Why? Because my dad is [was] working extra hard so he could get enough money to take us to Disneyland. When it was time to go to 1st[first] period, I noticed something [someone] behind the trees. It was a girl that was 16 years old [how do you know she’s that old at first glance?]. She had pale skin, ginger hair that was straight and to her top back [do you mean shoulder length?], freckles, and brown eyes [you don’t need this description. Most people won’t remember more than two items in a list. Instead of telling us exactly what she looks like, tell us about how she makes the narrator feel. Does she look sad? Wistful? Cheery? Are her cheeks rosy? Gaunt? Is her skin flushed or pallid?]. The thing that concerned me about her was her body. It was thin as if she hadn't ate [eaten] anything. I decided to greet her with a warm and friendly,
"Hello." [when writing always put a new speaker on a new line, that way it breaks paragraphs up and helps your reader keep track of who’s talking]
She jumped up.
"Uh, hi.", she staggered [stammered].
"I'm new here. My name's Alissa. What's yours?", I questioned [asked].
"The name's Winona, but you can call me Winnie if you like.", she informed me [replied].
"I like your nails.", I commented.
"Thanks. They're bleach-blue.", Winona replied.
"What hall do you go to for 1st[first] period?", I asked.
"Oh. Let me see.", she added [she didn’t add, by the way. She spoke. She would have ‘added’ if she’d been the one speaking last] while she pulled out a sheet of paper from her binder. "I go to the south hall," she informed [this is where she actually ‘adds’].
"Oh well that's too bad because I go to east hall," I told her.
"We better go before we're marked tardy," Winona cautioned.
"Yeah, uh, catch you later. It was nice meeting you. Are we friends?" I asked in deep thought.
"Yes.", she answered with a smile. After that, we shook hands and went to class. Days past [passed] by as we had fun together, joked, had conversations, and made memories.
Almost all your problems are mechanical (grammatical), so I’m going to run through as many of them as I can and try to explain why it’s important to get them right, and what to do in the future.
So I’ve already mentioned making sure each time a new person speaks, they start on a new line. This lets people follow conversations easily. But you should also know that punctuation in speech works the following way.
“Word word word comma,” dialogue tag full stop. “Next bit of speech full stop.”
“Can I ask you something?”, she asked, “Are we friends?” -> wrong. You never put punctuation immediately after speech marks, and you never end a dialogue tag with a comma. It needs to be:
“Can I ask you something?” she asked. “Are we friends?” -> right.
Next up, tense issues. Try to write in a consistent tense. I’ve discussed tense in the past here but it can be awfully complicated. The best thing to remember is that if you start a story talking like it’s in the past, it needs to stay consistent throughout the story. So…
It was (past) a long time ago I first met (past) the love of my life. I was(past)travelling to a new country when she sits(present) next to me on the train. She smiles (present) and reached (past) over to…
That example (made up by me) is all wrong. It’s constantly jumping back and forth between the past and the present. Keep to a consistent tense.
Oh and also, dialogue tags. First up you mix words up (Staggered/stammered) and you also use the wrong tags. There’s nothing wrong with asked/said/spoke/told/replied/answered/continued etc. Avoid overly informal terms like “informed” and “questioned” because they don’t really sound right in normal language. Police “question” suspects, and grieving family are “informed” about their loss. Those words don’t really work in day-to-day contexts.
Finally, I recommend you read my reply here because it deals with descriptive language and while you make some effort to describe things, you seem to just list items without really thinking about how words make people feel. Moving forward you’re going to want to get a good spellchecker and grammar checker (Grammarly.com I think is the popular one) and then focus on my advice in the posthere.