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  • The forest covered me on all sides, the road in front of-and behind- me. I was driving to my sisters home, almost in the middle of nowhere. “Why did she have to pick here, of all places?” It was common for me to talk to myself when I was alone, or just bored. “It’s dark, gives me the creeps, and I barely have a phone signal out here.” My pet lizard hissed, seeming to agree with me. “I know, Trusk. We’ll be there soon.” As I said that, I saw something out of the corner of my eye.

    Trusk must have seen it too, because he went up to the window, and started to stare at whatever he saw, and hissed.“I know boy, I saw it, too.”I was really scared, even though on the outside I seemed calm. It freaked me out that something was in these woods. It even reminded me of Slenderman and his proxies, which I hope I don’t ever encounter. The house slowly creeped up in front of me because of the fog, it looked eerie. Like something from a horror movie, but the house looked newer. I got up to the house, parked my truck in the gravel driveway, grabbed Trusk along with his leash and heating lamp, climbed the creaky stairs to the porch, and knocked on the old, wood door.



    “Hey, Alene! Come on in!” My sister, Jade came to the door faster than usual, which was slightly suspicious but I just shrugged it off.“Hey, Jade! How are you doing with the new house?” I hugged Jade and walked into the large house. “I’m doing good, I feel as though its still a little empty..” Indeed it was; things were spread out so far that they were practically useless. Like the coffee table and chairs, they were so far apart that someone would have to get up to set their cup or mug down on the table that was 4 feet away.“Yeah, you really need to get decorating.” I shrugged and took my coat off, asking Jade to hold Trisk and his things. “Wanna see the upstairs? There's a spare bedroom with clothes if you want to stay a couple days.” I thought about staying, since I did have nothing to do at home. “Sure, why not?” I shrugged and took Trisk back. I then put Trisk on the table, plugged in his heat lamp, and gave him some food and water.

    We started to go up the stairs when there was a gentle knock at the door. I stopped and turned around toward the sound, then looked at Jade, who had also heard it. “Did anyone follow you?” She asked, and I shook my head. I went down the stairs and looked through the peephole. What I saw was...well.. A VERY tall man. I knew he wasn’t Slenderman because he was wearing a deep blue pinstriped suit, smiley mask, bright blue bowtie, tophat(with blue ribbon on base), and a strange haircut. His hair was cut so it looked like two cat ears sticking out from under the tophat, and his hair was a bright red-orange. He looked like he was the Victorian era, despite the mask; which looked very creepy. When I opened the door, he was gone and in place was a cloud of dark smoke, and a note on the ground. The handwriting was neat, and clearly not rushed.

    “I know you when you’re sleeping, and I know when you’re awake.

    I wear red and leave black smoke in my wake.

    Who am I? You will never know.

    Unless you figure out the puzzle that will include books.”

    'There was a little picture at the end, and it looked like a cartoony version of his mask. The bottom was a large, lined smile, and the eyes looked like half moons turned on their sides.'I looked at Jade after I was done reading and she was gone, and in place of her was another note. “Now don’t cheat, this is a single player game!” I got scared about what he did, or will do, to Jade. I looked at the other note and realized that knowledge reminded me of books. Earlier I saw a library, so I ran to it. The floor creaked under my heavy footsteps as I ran, but I noticed that there were other footsteps. They slowly clicked and clacked, like fancy shoes or high heels. I immediately assumed it was the man at the door, so I kept running until I reached the library.

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    • The multiple mentions of Slenderman don't really help your originality, makes it seem like a wee bit of a spin off. 

      Also, the moment you mention the protag entering a "unfamiliar house" for no good reason, I can tell something's gonna go wrong and that's not good. Not to mention how the suspicion of the sister being up to something that suddenly disappears also doesn't help your case.

      The element of surprise is important in these types of stories, don't go out there telling me "well now shit's about to go down" cause I'll lose interest. Make a build and make it make more sense; how would you act in such a situation? 

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    • Updated/Edited Version(I have more but I'm going to post it later):

      The forest covered me on all sides, the road in front of-and behind- me. I was driving to my sisters home, almost in the middle of nowhere. “Why did she have to pick here, of all places?” It was common for me to talk to myself when I was alone, or just bored. “It’s dark, gives me the creeps, and I barely have a phone signal out here.” My pet lizard hissed, seeming to agree with me. “I know, Trusk. We’ll be there soon.”

      I usually like being in the woods, probably because its away from people; but these woods seemed off. It even reminded me of Slenderman and his proxies, which I hope I don’t ever encounter. Hopefully they're just jokes made up by the internet. The house slowly creeped up in front of me because of the fog, and it looked eerie. Like something from a horror movie, but the house looked newer. I got up to the house, parked my truck in the gravel driveway, grabbed Trusk along with his leash and heating lamp, climbed the creaky stairs to the porch, and knocked on the old, wood door.

      “Hey, Alene! Come on in!” My sister, Jade came to the door faster than usual, which was slightly suspicious but I just shrugged it off.“Hey, Jade! How are you doing with the new house?” I hugged Jade and walked into the large house. “I’m doing good, I feel as though its still a little empty..” Indeed it was; things were spread out so far that they were practically useless. Like the coffee table and chairs, they were so far apart that someone would have to get up to set their cup or mug down on the table that was 4 feet away.“Yeah, you really need to get decorating.” I shrugged and took my coat off, asking Jade to hold Trisk and his things.“Wanna see the upstairs? There's a spare bedroom with clothes if you want to stay a couple days.” I thought about staying, since I did have nothing to do at home. “Sure, why not?” I shrugged and took Trisk back. I then put Trisk on the table, plugged in his heat lamp, and gave him some food and water.



      We started to go up the stairs when there was a gentle knock at the door. I stopped and turned around toward the sound, then looked at Jade, who had also heard it. “Did anyone follow you?” She asked, and I shook my head. I went down the stairs and looked through the peephole. What I saw was...well.. A VERY tall man. I knew he wasn’t Slenderman because he was wearing a deep blue pinstriped suit, smiley mask, bright blue bowtie, tophat(with blue ribbon on base), and a strange haircut. His hair was cut so it looked like two cat ears sticking out from under the tophat, and his hair was a bright red-orange. He looked like he was the Victorian era, despite the mask; which looked very creepy. When I opened the door, he was gone and in place was a cloud of dark smoke, and a note on the ground. The handwriting was neat, and clearly not rushed.

      “I know you when you’re sleeping, and I know when you’re awake.

      I wear red and leave black smoke in my wake.

      Who am I? You will never know.

      Unless you figure out the puzzle that will include books.”

      There was a little picture at the end, and it looked like a cartoony version of his mask. The bottom was a large, lined smile, and the eyes looked like half moons turned on their sides.I looked at Jade after I was done reading and she sighed, and reached into her pockets. There was another note that she pulled out, and it read: “Now, sadly this is a single player game, so I’ll have to get rid of Jade..sorry!” I stared at Jade and she stared back. She became panicked as her edges started to fade into black smoke. “Jade!” I cried out, and Jade ran to me, and when she fell into my arms she disappeared swiftly into a cloud of black smoke. I started to cry, but then I looked at the door and saw the creature trying to stick its head out. I jumped a little, then realized that earlier I saw a library, so I ran to it. The floor creaked under my heavy footsteps as I ran, but I noticed that there were other footsteps. They slowly clicked and clacked, like fancy shoes or high heels. I immediately assumed it was the man at the door, so I kept running until I reached the library.

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    • A FANDOM user
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