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  • The following passage was written down from a recording. Several times, sobbing, screaming and unintelligible speech was heard, which will be indicated in bold. Swearing has also been cut out.

    If you're hearing this, you're lucky to be alive. This area is infested with those (things). They have unparralelled senses, can smell any hint of blood from miles off. They swim fast as hell, can outrun almost anything on land. That's how they got sobbing. That's how they got him. Undecipherable speech.

    You gotta leave here. I don't know what they are, but they're impossible to kill. I took the head off one and it kept going, as if it weren't bothered. I don't know how I'm still alive, how they haven't found me yet. I'm on my own. My gun's out of ammo, my pocket knife is pathetic compared to them. I haven't got a phone, I just found this tape recorder in this hut. I'm alone and as good as dead.

    These things, they have been around for years it seems. This area, probably destroyed by now, was a village. Now and again, people would wander into the woods and never be found again. They must have been killed by those creatures. They have what looks like thin skin, but its tough as hell. They look almost human, but have iron claws and teeth. They walk around like dogs and have gills on their necks. If you see one, you're as good as dead. Screaming.

    People are still fighting out there. Sobbing. Its useless, but they insist on going down fighting. People are being eaten alive, and those things just keep on killing. Smashing and banging Unintelligible speech. They've found me!! They've found where I've been hiding!!! Don't engage them, find a way to destroy them, they could destroy the human race!!!! Growing and sobbing.

    Dried blood was found near the tape. No remains were found of the man recording the tape. However, a few fingers of what must have been the creature attacking him were found. They never got to a Pathology Lab, as they crumbled the second they were moved. People can only speculate at what killed off the entire residence of Arches, a small village off the coast of California. As far as the authorities know, no one survived.

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    • The last paragraph is really the only thing that makes this pasta worth reading. There's a nice idea here, but I feel as if the writing is too focused on descriptions and not enough on developing the underlying story. I understand that you may be trying to keep it more on the vaguer side, but you could always drop a few more hints relating to why the town was massacred, if they brought it upon themselves, etc.

      The format the story is written in is also somewhat clichéd, and the constant interruption of the story by the words in bold messes with the flow. Maybe consider putting the bold words in brackets, or just completely redacting them from the story. Always make sure you check your spelling and grammar; there are missing pieces of punctuation and some misspelled words dotted around the text.

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    • Going off the above post, I do agree about the focus on description rather than world building. I think the creatures are fine: fairly ambiguous/strange, but I'd like to know why they appeared, where they came from, how they grew in population. 

      Capitalize on:

      - The format of the story being told: transcripts can really drive an emotional story.

      - the ambiguousness of the tape being found after the event (this is an alternate historical event, yes? Spooky)

      Improve on:

      - Origin and world building of the creatures and their context

      - Flow of events: maybe drag out some of the events to make the suspense hit harder, have the recorder listening to people dying slowly outside for ex.

      Fix/Delete:

      -Bold lettering, maybe simply capitalizing/bracketing

      - Some of the grammar and wording: eg, *unparalleled;  *This - now destroyed - area was once a village. Etc.



      Good luck! Hope to see more soon

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    • A FANDOM user
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